Athena Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Have made contact with solicitor and hope to meet next week re job. Wow. Good for you! I am glad to hear that.
jj33 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Fabulous. Then no matter what happens with H personally or professionally, you will know that you know where you stand professsionally. I hope it goes well.
Author worlybear Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Legal team are now chasing up about my contract and I have sent out multiple copies to be examined. I had a letter yesterday asking me to sign a different post-dated contract that basically terminated my employment as of 30 April.(from County). They must think I'm as stupid as they are. I haven't signed it and its in the hands of solicitors. County has also decided that H is not allowed to go to Australia.(2 days before he flies.) Despite everything I think that decision sucks as he was going as part of a national team and County have had 7 weeks to meet with him. They claim they have only just had the investigative report submitted. He has been told if he goes that he will be instantly dismissed. Yes I know its his fault but I can't see how a national trip can have any bearing upon his alleged offence(s) and as the trip is only 10 days anyway ,meetings could be held on his return. The vice chair has sent an email to parents saying he won't return this term ,which is interesting as he has not faced even an investigative meeting as yet. Daughter is starting to settle at new school. SO glad we moved her. As for me ,I'm full of flu so I'll post later. At least things are starting to happen.
jj33 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Thank God and just in the nick of time. If you didnt have a solicitor on board, you would have needed one now. Good to see you are taking control. Once they see that you are actually taking steps to protect yourself and that they may need to defend their actions in court or at a tribunal, they are likely to be a lot more careful with you. Now for H to take some steps to deal with reality and get his own solicitor. I can only imagine you must be worried about the financial impact on your family.
LifesontheUp Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Just catching up on your thread and glad to see that you have taken legal advice. You need it as County just want to bury it all as quickly and with as little fuss as possible. Personally I don't have any sympathy for your husband not being able to go Australia and its good to see they've taken firm action on this. Your husband was in a very respected role and held in high esteem. His actions are what have caused all this to happen. Basically he needs to now feel the consequences of his actions.....just like you and your daughter have had to deal with the fall out from his behaviour. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Your husband has to sort his mess out, you can't take on that responsiblity too.
Athena Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I completely agree with LifesontheUp about your H not going to Australia! And Worly, I understand you want the best for your H, but honestly, he Needs consequences and they are Finally catching up to him... that is the only thing that is going to wake him up and turn him towards remorse and repair. Also, isn't it good that YOU are not the only person responsible for making him take a look at his poor choices which damaged your M and hurt your children? The consequences he now must face are all part of the choices that he made -- you know, the ones where he got to get his rocks off, run around, lie to you, leave you, and feel young, care-free and foot loose.... now comes the flip side of Affairs, and he needs to experience it 100% if your M ever stands a chance of working out. He needs to see his affair as not worth it. And -- well done for finally taking heed & getting Legal Advice! It is you taking control once again (first one was taking your daughter out of the clutches of the inept school). And the last one is taking back your own personal power when it comes to dealing with your husband. Serves him right to be let down two days before he runs off on an exciting adventure with Ms Special to boot! While you would have stayed home and fretted and cried! Now he has to face the music himself... really, I have said this before, but How Many Times Has Your Husband Had to Reprimand a Naughty Child at school and made the child "face the music''? Your husbands a grown man and must do the same.
jj33 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 County has also decided that H is not allowed to go to Australia.(2 days before he flies.) Despite everything I think that decision sucks as he was going as part of a national team and County have had 7 weeks to meet with him. They claim they have only just had the investigative report submitted. He has been told if he goes that he will be instantly dismissed. Yes I know its his fault but I can't see how a national trip can have any bearing upon his alleged offence(s) and as the trip is only 10 days anyway ,meetings could be held on his return. The vice chair has sent an email to parents saying he won't return this term ,which is interesting as he has not faced even an investigative meeting as yet. Do you see how inconsistent that is with wanting the school and the county to take action against the affair with OW? If its something that you think Ofsted should investigate and something you wanted the school to take into consideration then certainly he is not someone who should be representing the country as part of a national team. You cant have it both ways. You MUST hold him accountable for his actions. Pity is not appropriate after all the hurt he has caused you. He has nonchalantly devastated you and your daughter. You cant let him off the hook that easily by saying poor baby they should at least have let him go on his little trip. The fact that he cant return for the rest of the terms means they are not taking this lightly. You should be glad of that. Not that you want harm to come to his career but you wanted it taken seriously and now it is. If you think this is bad, DONT go to the press. You do not want your personal problems showing up in the papers. It will be humiliating. Dont make your life into the Jerry Springer show. Its not worth it.
jj33 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Worly it seems and this would make perfect sense, that what you really want is to see consequences for the OW. And you may yet see that. She had a moral responsibility to you, she knew you. It was a terrible thing to do. But your H is your H. And he took vows. He is the one you should be focused on, not her. You havent said you are focused on consequences for her, but the fact that you think its ashame that he couldnt go on the trip suggests that you are not as interested in consequences for him.
Author worlybear Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I do think that chickens are coming home to roost for H and deservedly so. However, County should not have left the decision so late in the day. They have known about Australia for sometime and could have ve-toed it weeks ago. I 'm not saying that they are wrong in stopping him but that they could have told him sooner, also H was due to give a high powered presentation in Oz and there isn't time for another delegate to do it. I do think that BOTH he and ow should face up to the mess that they've made AND face the consequences. I do find it galling that she is in school as usual,with no consequences for her .I just hope he realises that the only ones having thir lives disrupted are the family, me and now himself. She is getting off scot-free. Was she really worth it? Re his return to school ,the point I was trying to make was that there has been no decision or meetings. The vice chair just decided to send a letter out to parents saying he wouldn't be back ,despite the fact that this is not true. I am so glad that daughter is no longer there. Yes ,you're right its time he had a reality check and he will have to deal with it himself- theres nothing I can do except concentrate on my family and me.
jj33 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Worly you dont know that she is not suffering ramifications. She may be. She may not be up for governor next year perhaps? Or she may also be under investigation you dont know that is not something she would share with you. But really what matters is that you took care of your daughter by getting her out of there and you are now represented by someone who has only your interests in mind. H will have to come to terms with his actions. As for the last minute thing. these people are not paragons of organization and H is not the only thing that they have on their desks. The powers that be may only just have put 2 and 2 together and said whoops in light of scandal shouldnt have him on the trip. Who cares if noone else can do the presentation - in the scheme of the worlds its just not that big a deal and if they know that you have counsel now they may be worried that if they are seen to be letting him go it would appear that they are not taking things seriously. Alot of CYA goes on.
Author worlybear Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Australia is definitely off. H came round after picking up younger daughter. He seems intent on blaming County and school for his cancelled trip. He did say to older daughter last night that he really missed a former work colleague(died of brain tumour 2 years ago.) as she would have stopped him making wrong decisions and that everything was a mess. I want him to realise that ow also is in this equation and that she is culpable too. How do I do that or should someone else say so ? Also rumours and speculation are now abounding, he has been accused, in the absence of information ,of theft, paedophilia,downloading porn ,being drunk in charge of a class and hitting a child.(playground gossip) as well as the affair. I really can't see how to counteract this and it does affect me as I still have to work there and I DON'T want people thinking he would ever hurt a child(including his own.) or the other allegations- the affair is a different matter and he is guilty as charged ,but I feel the other things reflect on our family in a very public,unpleasant way. Will flag up legally but has anyone out there got any advice that could be implemented quickly for damage limitation?
LifesontheUp Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I really do feel for you but IMHO you need to stay out of any of the gossip and accusations that are flying around about your husband. Like I said before HE needs to sort it......hes supposed to be a grown up right? He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. Yes I understand that its hurtful to you but please do not get drawn into this. Hold your head up high and ignore it. What you need to understand is that if you react it will only add fuel to the fire and who knows what will be said next. I'm not sure where you are hearing this stuff from, but try and avoid whoever is telling you. Its better not to hear it, believe me I've been there and it doesn't help you at all. Keep quiet, take legal advice. Keep strong and focus on you and your daughter.
anne1707 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Worly Lifeisontheup is spot on with their advice. Keep away from all the gossip. Do not try to counteract it in anyway - if you do, you risk making things worse and being seen as part of the problem by those who can unfortunately be very ignorant and bigoted. Keep your distance and your dignity. As for the implications for your H - well that is his problem. You have enough to deal with. Why help him sort out his mess?
travelgirl Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Worly, Your H believes it is the school or county's fault he isn't going to Australia? He really IS in denial. He tells his daughter if the other worker was around he wouldn't have done this? Come on. He is not owning up to the pain and mess he has caused and until he does, you need not worry about him. Let the accusations fly, let the ramifications come and do not comfort him or stand behind him. Why do you care how late in the game county reacted to his trip? So what? You have been wanting something done for so long and now that things are happening and rumors are flying, you are defending him? I don't understand. Until he comes back to you and states it is his fault, shows remorse, acts responsible, leaves OW for good and comes clean and gets his life back on track, you should NOT be there for him. This is ANOTHER ramification he needs to deal with. You pitying and worrying him does nothing postive for either of you. It is a total waste of time. If you work at him, pity him, and make him come home, will you EVER feel good about yourself and your marriage? You will have so much built up resentment and your H will be stuck in a pity party feeling like he went back with you because "it was the best thing" but might not ever truly feel it. Let him hurt, stay away from him, let him come to terms over what he did and make him work if he wants to talk to you at all.
jj33 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Worly. I understand you do not want your child to hurt. However you have retained solicitors. Let them deal with this. This is not your problem. This is your Hs problem. Your daughter no longer goes to that school. You and your H and separated. Its up to him to care about him and his reputations to do something about this. Its not up to you. And you dont have to counteract this. havent you been handed a letter of resignation as of the end of April? Talk to your solicitors. They wil give you guidance that is not based on your emotional response. This is your Hs doing. He is the one who needs to fix it, not you. If after speaking to your solicitor you want to tar and feather the OW in the eyes of the community by saying no its not xyz its that he had an A with abc. That is up to you. But take advice first. We dont have enough of the facts to advise you.Your solicitors do.
jj33 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 And who is surprised? The board says he is out for the rest of the semester and people start to talk and make up their own reasons for his enforced absence... He should not be surprised and you should not be surprised. He created this situation . Be angry at him. Do not pity him.
Author worlybear Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Re rumours. I don't like the fact that by implication the family are involved and I will defend my family to the hilt. As to H yes he's a sh** but he's not guilty of what the malicious gossip is saying. Saw ow today whilst I had daughter in car(Happened to see her in local town after school) Daughter got very upset and angry ,I just wish that ow had to face some repercussions. It would be great to move away but after having the house valued it is not feasible. Full of cold and feeling sorry for/angry at myself. Wish I didn't exist. Don't think this nightmare will ever end.
travelgirl Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Worlybear, no one is saying not to defend your family but right now, your H is not part of your family. Remember, he had the affair, he upped and left and got a flat of his own. He chose to leave you and his family for another women. I didn't see him defending his daughter at the school when OW was her teacher and was upset? I didn't see him defend you when you were given a 3 day suspension or any other hell you or your daughter went thru with the head and school. This was all his choice, not yours. If you don't want the rumors flying, tell one mom what really happened and let it trickle down from there. If you want to stay out of it, then you have to accept the rumors because until the truth is exposed, there will always be gossip. This again, is no one's fault but your H's. And about the OW, you need to get over that. You are so consumed with hatred for her and it is misplaced. It needs to be with your H. Sure, she knew he was married but it is HIS fault. It was his choice to do this to his own family, his own flesh and blood. He knew there would be consequences and he still didn't stop. Once he was caught, he didn't show remorse and come back to you. He upped and left and has been secretive and stand-offish with you ever since. You don't even know if he is still seeing her but I am guessing he is or he would have told you he stopped. She is just the other person in his game. It could have been anyone. Your anger for her is upsetting your daughter and you need to be there for her and help her get over it. Worly, I have to be honest. The way I see it, both you and your H are hiding behind closed doors hoping somehow this will all go away. No one is moving forward. No one is working on the marriage or separation (it has to be one or the other.) No one is progressing or getting agressive about work. No one is walking with some pride. You are both locked up in your separate houses and letting each day slip by in a numb self-loathing state. Maybe I am wrong but after reading so many of your posts, I can't help but wonder what and when you and H are going to start moving on, whether it is with your marriage or continue on with separation. Avoiding talks, avoiding work, avoiding OW, avoiding your future. I just don't get it. It has been well past 2 months now. Something has gotta give. Are you reading other posts/threads here besides your own thread? Many people here are going thru what you are and reading others and maybe giving some advice will do you good. Read and see how others have moved on, look within yourself and get this show on the road. You have kids that depend on you and neither one of their parents are moving forward AT ALL. You don't think this hurts them worse then just figuring things out and telling them like it is? It is like a bandaid. You are slowly peeling it off and on and it HURTS a lot worse then one quick pull. Stop holding off and make some choices and if H isn't along for the ride and wants to play secretive games, leave him in the dust. I know it sounds harsh and sorry if I offended you but the same nice people keep coming and posting, people that have been in your shoes - offering you advice and you are still on the same merry-go-round of torture and don't seem to want to get off no matter what is said.
Author worlybear Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 I think neither of us want to make any decisions about our marriage at the moment and he is still part of the family even if he is living in the flat. He is seeing ow occasionally as a friend. He is spending more time here now and not just for daughter, we are talking more and texting more. I can't give up at this stage when there still may be a chance to reconcile.
travelgirl Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Wait a minute.... So he has his own flat, he still in contact with OW as a "friend", he still gets to come to your home, be a part of the family when he feels like it, gets paid for not working and he still gets to see/text and talk to you whenever he wants? Tell me, why would he move forward with anything at this point? That is why it has been close to 3 months of no changes. Right now you and OW are allowing him to have the best of both worlds. Again, no one is moving forward, changing, putting a line in the sand or making decisions, and if you think hiding out quietly and holding out patiently will make it eventually improve, you are sadly mistaken. No offense worly, but he is as selfish as they come. You are just too desperate to see that now. Again, read other threads here from cheating spouses and spouses who were cheated on. No cheating spouse gets back with his wife if he can have both and there is no threat of losing anything. If they do go back and the wife is passive and nothing is being done, they still continue to cheat. Men are NEVER "friends" with the OW. Come on!! Cheating men need a slap in the face, a dose of reality, cold water down there pants - SOMETHING that is going to wake them up. Most of the time it is when the wife and kids up and leave, or the affair is exposed to all/everyone to know or there is severe consequences with work/personal affairs. You are actually assisting your H to continue down his path. You keep the affair bottled up, you are always there for him, you get angry at county with him when he can't go to Australia, you let him decide the pace of the game he is playing. And that is what it is, a game. I honestly don't know what anyone else here can say - I just think it is going to take a day when a lightbulb goes off in your head and you are going to think "WTF am I doing wasting my life like this??" Until then Worly - Good Luck....
anne1707 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Worly He cannot be a part of your family AND still see the OW whether as friends or more. Either he is with you or he is not and whilst he still sees the OW then you will never be able to reconcile.
jj33 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 You are getting excellent advice Worly. Its either her or you. Tell one or two mothers about OW. Tell your H that so long as he is "friends" whatever that means... with OW that he is not welcome in YOUR home (the home that he abandoned so he could be with OW). You seem to be afraid you will be pushing him into her arms. You arent. If he doesnt want to beg your forgiveness and come home, then you dont want him. Stop enabling him. Stop coddling this man. Perhaps there are facts you havent posted that explain why you are doing this? But if its all based on your desire to reconcile, this is not the way to go. You are not going to what you want this way if what you want is a husband that treats you with the respect you deserve.
Author worlybear Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 I haven't bottled up the affair, its public knowledge in the community.As to other information re H he has been submersed in Education and its problems which have got increasingly more pressured. I also know that after working for nearly 30 years (last 14 as a head) H has been at breaking point/burn out for the last couple of years due to external parental pressures(mostly due to counselling parentsand issues in the wider community-and who counsels the counsellor?) .I tried to help him and also suggested therapy for him but he was too proud to take it. I have recently discovered ,thru talking to him that he was desperately unhappy that his life was so out of control and he was permanently exhausted thru keeping up the public image of Mr. Nice Guy/Mr Fixit so that he couldn't take the pressure anymore. The affair was completely out of character for him and 100% against everything he stood for. add to that the staff I have already told you about ,their lack of interest and support didn't help either. As for ow he was flattered by her. His contact with her is now minimal. I want my kids to get their Dad back and I want him back. If that means that he stays in the grotty flat for now ,so that he has time and space to reflect then I will go along with it. Its gut instinct.
signedin2008 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 As for ow he was flattered by her. His contact with her is now minimal. Since he is OUT of the house and out of sight, how do you know that he is not seeing her twice a week, say at 2 a.m. at his or her place for an hour or two? How do you know they are not talking on the phone for hours before bed or while both in the same bed or that they have romantice dinner once a week? After all, he is out of your house and still in contact with her, isn't he?
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