He doesn't like my son.

[nittygritty]

1. He doesn't like your 6 year old son and he basically told you that he could never live in a house with you if your son lives there.

 

2. His daughter lives a flight away and he only visits her every 4 weeks.

 

3. His ex is going to be spending the weekend at his house.

 

Dump him.

[Lizzie60]

HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

 

Your son IS your priority (I hope)... and if this guy doesn't like him, your son will 'feel' it and this can do huge damage (his self-confidence, etc.).

 

Leave this guy ASAP.. he's not worth your time or your energy... find someone who will accept and love your son. He doesn't have to love him like his own son.. but at least make him feel comfortable and accepted.

 

Geezz... some people.. sometimes..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Perhaps he is simply coming up with the most terrible thing to say - the most deal breakingest thing he can think of so that she will dump him, and he won't have to worry about post breakup attempts at reconciliation while he is busy working on his own thing.

[RecordProducer]

Until yesterday it was going brilliantly, we were even discussing moving in together in the spring. last night however he turned round and said that he didn't like Aidan and that he would never be able to live in a house with my son.

I dumped a guy who told me "I need to get used to your kids, give me some time please" because I knew he'd never get used to them. He wasn't warm with them or anything. They were 6 y.o. at the time. On the other hand, I was married to a man with a little child whom I could never accept. I was nice to her and took care of her, but I never had any feelings for her and the marriage finally fell apart because of this child.

 

My second husband adores my boys and this is our main "bridge." When we have the biggest problems, I think of the relationship he has with my sons. He accepted them as his own kids.

 

You come in a package with a child and you can't live with someone who doesn't LOVE your son. Yes, LOVE. Could you live with someone who doesn't love YOU but loves your son? Thta would be a better combination. Your son will pick up quickly that he isn't welcome in his own home and he will feel rejected not only by your BF, but also by you. Your BF is not going to change his mind or feelings for your boy. Stress has nothing to do with this. He may apologize for what he said, but he basically gave himself away.

 

You are two people: you and your son. If you move in with this guy, it will be 100% selfish, because it will be only for your own pleasure and against your son's happiness. Even if you think that living this guy is for the benefit of your son (e.g. financial support, father figure, etc.), it's not worth making your son miserable and he will only traumatize your boy. You have to find a man who will love you both.

 

Moreover, he said he could never live with your son; what's that supposed to mean? That you should give your son away, put him in the corner and make him invisible? Or does it mean that he doesn't want to move in with you because of your son?

 

Sorry, but... your son should be more important to you than your BF. And if you're hoping that things will change, don't move in with the BF until he changes his feelings for your son. Sacrifice yourself - not your son. That's what I am saying.

[Mary3]

This man is a CHILD himself !

 

He does not like children and has no way to cope with a 6 year old.

 

This is a deathblow to your relationship.

 

Find someone who DOES love your child and YOU , together , package like pasta and sauce. No side splits.

 

Dump this one !

[dashing daisy]

Really?

 

A boyfriend of 6 months said he doesn't like your 6 year old son, and that he would never live with him? What does he expect you to do, get rid of your child? Or just hang around in this relationship for 12 years until your son turns 18 and moves out? Would you even want to be with someone who would tell a mother that they didn't like their 6 year old kid?? He's supposed to be an adult, and at the very least, he should make an effort.

 

Regardless, would you really sacrifice your son's well-being and your relationship with your son to stay with a guy you've known 6 months? Honestly, I know you love him, but this guy doesn't sound worth it.

[Vertex]

I literally looked like this:

 

O.O

 

When reading your post. Literally. I was so surprised.

 

The balls this guy must have... the sheer arrogance! Huge red flag. Really, though, it's not even a flag, which implies warning. The bomb's already gone off.

 

Dump this dude, please.

[trixy]

Thank you all for your comments. You all really echoed what I was thinking. I would never be able to trust him again, I love my son so much I could never put him at risk. I am just glad I found out now before we moved in with him.

[Geishawhelk]

Are you OK trixy?

 

How will you deal with this?

let us know if you need more help, ok?

[wisebutnotperfect]

Unless he can talk about life with your son, unless he will commit to loving that little boy as his own my only suggestion to you is to walk away. I know this sounds terribly hard especially when you are feeling a strong attracion for him.

I remarried when my oldest son was 8 and it seemed that my new wife and he were going to get along well but to make a long story short, she ended up shutting him out and it was terrible for him, me and her. I have since apologized to him for not questioning more what type of parent she would be for him. It was one large part of why our larriage did not survive. Be VERY CAREFUL! At the very least you need to seek some counseling with regard to the step parent dynamic. Guard your son's heart and self esteem with all that you can. It is your greatest task as his parent.

[Mary3]

Unless he can talk about life with your son, unless he will commit to loving that little boy as his own my only suggestion to you is to walk away. I know this sounds terribly hard especially when you are feeling a strong attracion for him.

I remarried when my oldest son was 8 and it seemed that my new wife and he were going to get along well but to make a long story short, she ended up shutting him out and it was terrible for him, me and her. I have since apologized to him for not questioning more what type of parent she would be for him. It was one large part of why our larriage did not survive. Be VERY CAREFUL! At the very least you need to seek some counseling with regard to the step parent dynamic. Guard your son's heart and self esteem with all that you can. It is your greatest task as his parent.

 

This was sooo beautifully spoken. Guard your son's heart and self esteem

[Dexter Morgan]

Untill yesterday it was going brilliantly, we were even discussing moving in together in the spring. last night however he turned round and said that he didn't like Aidan and that he would never be able to live in a house with my son.

 

Then there is nothing more to consider with this guy. Your son comes first and you don't want a man that doesn't like your child. If a woman said she didn't like one or both of my children, she'd be history.

 

 

He had been doing some DIY jobs for me and evidently my son had ignored him when he spoke to him.

 

Oh woopdedoo. So your bf is an attention wh0re and a 6 year old didn't give him the attention he needed. Sorry, my 8 year old ignores me when I talk to him. Not because he doesn't want to talk to me, but he is so zoned in on what he is going alot of the time that I have to yell his name.

 

If this is the only reason he doesn't like your son, I'd hate to think what this guy would do if he and your son ever had a disagreement. Protect your child, lose the zero.

 

 

He is under a huge amount of stress at the moment. His daughter (and ex) are coming to to stay with him at his home next weekend and it not not be easy for any of them

 

Don't even try to excuse this away. this is not a good relationship for you where your child is concerned.

[elaina]

Okay, it has been decided...there is no hope for this man.

 

Ya might as well send him to jail.

 

I wish!

 

How could a grown man say "I don't like your son" ??? That is so juvenile!!!

 

Sure it's not fun if the child was ignoring him, but you do NOT not like a child because of disobedience or any reason! Children disobey... hopefully not very often, but disobedience is no reason to not like someone!!!

 

Parents are to love their children no matter what, and if there are any disobedient or disrespect issues, then parents are to maturely discipline in a healthy and respectful manner.

 

I feel sorry for this man's little girl. I wonder if he has ever told her or her mother that he didn't like her? I sure hope not but I wonder...

[norajane]

You know, I don't like everybody's kids. Clearly an unpopular opinion here, but I just don't like some of them. I don't like all grown-ups, either, so I don't see why it would be any different with kids. They are not all adorable, though, of course, their parents see it differently.

 

Frankly, I give this guy major points for being honest and telling you NOW, BEFORE moving in. He obviously made an effort, since you had NO IDEA that he didn't like your son. And I'm sure he knew it very well would be a deal-breaker for you, yet he was honest and told you how he really feels. It's very difficult to tell parents that you can't really warm up to their little angels. Just like you can't tell moms their newborns look like wrinkled turnips.

 

Also, we don't know what exactly the boy was ignoring. Perhaps it was repeated warnings to stay away from the acetylene torch or the nail gun.

 

So, he's given you the option to make your decision. Continue dating and enjoy the relationship for what it is without ever expecting him to live with you or marry you, or break up with him. At least he had the guts to give you that choice instead of playing along and moving in with you anyway.

 

And, fyi, a "plane ride away" could be US to Australia for all we know. So don't diss the man for not flying to see his daughter more than one weekend a month, or however long he stays when he visits. 12 flights a year gets very expensive, and who knows whether he's paying alimony as well as child support. If it was his ex-wife's decision to move to another area when they divorced, then it's on her for making that decision.

 

Maybe this bf is the slimeball you've all made him out to be. Personally, I don't think there's nearly enough information posted here about what the full story is, so I'm not going to hang him just yet.

[Bells]

Your son is only 6 years old.

For an adult to say "I can never live with him" , "I don't like him"...to a child's mother...

 

Is a huge red flag. A man that does not love your son along with you...is unlovable.

 

 

Unfortunately, I think alot of men date single mothers (esp 30's on up) but don't consider the fact that if the relationship got serious, which probably takes 6 months to a year, they go, "Oh shoot, I might have to live under the same roof as the child....yikes!"

 

So when it gets to that point (crossroads) this kind of thing occurs.

 

Of course, you're all having fun, out and about, recreating and all that jazz, then comes the possiblity of having to live together with the kid.

 

It's all fun until that happens.

 

That's why I have certain conditions that may be met when dating as nigle parents

 

date a single mom who have kids that are adults and out of the house or old enough (teen aged) that they can feed themselves or something.

[norajane]

Unfortunately, I think alot of men date single mothers (esp 30's on up) but don't consider the fact that if the relationship got serious, which probably takes 6 months to a year, they go, "Oh shoot, I might have to live under the same roof as the child....yikes!"

 

So when it gets to that point (crossroads) this kind of thing occurs.

 

Of course, you're all having fun, out and about, recreating and all that jazz, then comes the possiblity of having to live together with the kid.

 

It's all fun until that happens.

 

Yep, it's possible that could be what happened. They have only been dating for 6 months, which isn't much time at all in the grand scheme of dating. Although he was over there doing those DIY projects for trixy, so perhaps they had gotten past the fun, going out stage. Then, the reality of it hit him that he'd need to act as a step-dad to a child, on top of how hard it already is for him with his own daughter that he CAN'T see every day.

 

He may have come to realize he couldn't handle becoming a live-in daddy figure for this boy, especially if the little boy's own father is completely out of the picture. The OP didn't mention whether her ex is in their son's life at all.

 

Not being able to handle that doesn't automatically make him a prospective child abuser candidate. At least he was self-aware enough to recognize how much work it is and that he wasn't up for it and to let the OP know 6 months into the relationship, before she got even MORE attached to him.

[Trialbyfire]

No matter what he is, trixy's choice should be clear. Her son's happiness first.

 

I do have issues in casting him as purely innocent. He's not. He's had a child who he sees monthly, so children are no secret to him. He knew she had a child. He still dated her, then entered into a relationship with her knowing this. He discussed moving in with her. He's an adult who should be aware that this isn't just fun and games, when dating and then entering into a relationship with a single mother.

[norajane]

I don't know that he is purely innocent - he should have known better. But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he thought he could handle it, and then realized he couldn't.

 

But I certainly don't believe that he is purely evil, either, as a vast majority of the posters here seem to think. Trixy apparently loves this guy. If he was such a monster, wouldn't she have had some sign of it before now?

 

And he did tell her before making the mistake of moving in, and they've only been seeing each other 6 months. I'd question why a single mom would be ready to move a guy in after knowing him only 6 months before I'd question why he wouldn't want to. It takes me longer to commit to a hair dresser.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't think he's pure evil but I do strongly wonder about the impact of this visit from the ex and his daughter.

[norajane]

That does raise some questions. But we know nothing about their history, so it's hard to even speculate!

 

But...I will...could be that there's been some talk or thoughts about getting back together, so he's paving the way to a break-up, if trixy doesn't take the cue and break up with him first. That's very possible.

[trixy]

I haven't spoken to my bf for a week. Tonight i had a weak moment and sent him a text saying it would be good to talk and that I miss him. Which I do. He replied that he waould call when his ex has gone back. I am at war with myself, I know what I should do, and I will do it, it is just so hard. I thought he was my soul mate, how wrong was I!

 

his daughter and her mother live a one hours flight away, and it is a financial struggle for him to fly there every month. His ex is not that stable and sometimes it is dreadful for him, his ex seems to be able to wind him up and he her.

 

He is obviously not a natural with small children and boys in particular. he is the product of a very old fashioned upper class English family. Which I am not. He doesn't seem to understand how to interact with small children and comes across as quite brusque.

 

It has made me realise just how wonderful my son is. He is a very shy, dreamy little boy, who is very biddable but like all children gets very distracted by things around him and forgets to do what he has been asked to do. basically, and I know I am biased, he is a lovely little boy. I do realise that he has been jealous of my bf, in the same way that my bf has been jealous of him.

 

I will not put my son's happiness at risk but it is so hard to me right now.

[trixy]

I came to my senses (about the relationship) later that evening when I realised that he wouldn't talk to me in front of his ex-girl friend. So I broke it off and said it was over.

 

He sent me a text on tuesday saying that he wanted to see me tomorrow after he has seen his daughter and exoff at the airport. I was to let him know time and place. I didn't respond. It sounds cowardly I know, but if I see him I am not sure I could be so strong and keep away. He hasn't contacted me since.

 

I feel so guilty for introducing this man into his life who clearly didn't dexerve either my son or me. I also feel guilty because I want to be with him still, and it hurts me that I am not. I am still shocked that someone I love and who I thought loved me would say those things to me about my son.

 

We were going to spend Christmas with him and all his extended family, it would have been lovely and noisy and fun. I will still make Christmas special for my son but I can't help feeling sad.

I am grateful that this happened now and not in a few months time. We were about to take a house together which would have been a disaster.

 

My father has been taken into hospital this week and I'm feeling really low, so the urge to call him is strong.

 

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Do you have any ideas on how to get over this?

[MusicChick24]

Dump him.

 

Your son came first...and obviously should be top priority over this guy. Plus it does sound like a "coincidence" that this comes up when his ex and daughter are part of the picture.

[smoochie]

This is a true story...

 

I was about 10 years old and my mom's ex husband took me stealing with him from the grocery store. The security guard saw him, my stepfather started running, LEAVING ME THERE BY MYSELF. The guard caught him, called the police, and put him in the back of the patty wagon. I sat upfront and they dropped me off at home. I started walking to my mom's job, crying and she saw me at I turned the corner. Told her what happened and guess what? She stayed with him for years. As you can probably imagine I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR HER. You never put a man before your kid.

 

The reason I tell you this story is so you can see what you will be losing if you chose a man over your kid. Kids never forget and its our job to provide them with a loving and secure home. This guy used dated can't do that and doesn't want to.

 

I don't mean to diminish what you had but its only been 6 months. You hardly know this man anyway...not possible in such a short period of time. And for you to have this guy spending the night with you and your son is IMO, wrong. This is telling of the kind of mom you are, to be honest. Sorry but a good mother...this wouldn't even be an issue. Sounds like you are more desperate than anything else. My husband didn't MEET my son until 9 months into our relationship. And then it took another year before I felt comfortable enough to trust his man in our lives together. We have since split but he is still my son's dad.

 

Your hurt feelings now are nothing compared to losing the love and respect of your own kid. Trust me on this one...he did you a favor.

[MusicChick24]

I came to my senses (about the relationship) later that evening when I realised that he wouldn't talk to me in front of his ex-girl friend. So I broke it off and said it was over.

 

He sent me a text on tuesday saying that he wanted to see me tomorrow after he has seen his daughter and exoff at the airport. I was to let him know time and place. I didn't respond. It sounds cowardly I know, but if I see him I am not sure I could be so strong and keep away. He hasn't contacted me since.

 

I feel so guilty for introducing this man into his life who clearly didn't dexerve either my son or me. I also feel guilty because I want to be with him still, and it hurts me that I am not. I am still shocked that someone I love and who I thought loved me would say those things to me about my son.

 

We were going to spend Christmas with him and all his extended family, it would have been lovely and noisy and fun. I will still make Christmas special for my son but I can't help feeling sad.

I am grateful that this happened now and not in a few months time. We were about to take a house together which would have been a disaster.

 

My father has been taken into hospital this week and I'm feeling really low, so the urge to call him is strong.

 

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Do you have any ideas on how to get over this?

 

Good job on getting rid of him and protecting yourself and your son. Sorry about your father and I understand your urge to contact him, because you are grief stricken dealing with your father being in the hospital and you just want someone to comfort you.

 

But we are here. Stay here and immerse yourself in some Positive energy that may work wonders for you.