Isolde Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Yes. Regardless of whether I want to get married or I'm already married, I only spend time with men and women whom I find wonderful in every aspect. I would rather settle for less chemistry (if I didn't want marriage) but date a smart and decent guy than date some scumbag just because he's cute and sexy. Don't settle RP! Chemistry is important in a marriage (if that's what you're looking for).
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I think you need to be able to envision yourself married to the person, but there is no way to be certain it would work. No way. I can envision myself married next to 80% of the women I meet every day. The big *?* is how crazy are they - i.e. at what point and for what reason are they going to freak out on me , and both of these are inevitable. Hence, the importance of long term dating to weed out the manageable from the unmanageable cases .
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Hell no, I don't date for marriage. And thank G-d for that. My ex that lived about an hour away from me was awful and if I had married him, I would be as angry as a thousand suns for being so stupid. I love my current BF, but judging from my ex, thank G-d I didn't date to marry. And stupidly, at the time, I thought about how lovely it would be if we married. Puke. :sick: Makes me feel like I just rode a rollercoaster and need a barf bag. I don't think you should date with intention to marry, 'less you have been with the person for at least a year. G-d knows that most likely, things fall apart before that happens. And you realize, thank G-d I did not marry that one! :sick: I do think, well it would be whimsical if me and my BF eventually marry, but I am giving that one time. I think 3 years is the minimum of dating to marriage 'less you discover what a mess you've trapped yourself in as most marriages end in tatters. Bring the barf bag with you, please.
ABrokenWing Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I think it takes a few dates to know if one could be marriage material. but yes. needless to say, I haven't dated much at all.
RecordProducer Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Don't settle RP! Chemistry is important in a marriage (if that's what you're looking for).Isolde, I am already married (for the second time), but I meant if I were just dating with no desire to marry the guy, I would rather spend time with a person who "errs" on the side of chemistry than a dirtbag who only has the chemistry. For husband-purposes, I want the whole package.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 And, character is the single most important predictor of the quality of long-term partnership. (posted by Movingonandon) What about a little ol' thing called gut instinct?
2sure Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Alainasmama- Gut instinct, chemistry...wouldn't it be great if we could go on that 100%? For me, I had found that "my gut" had led me into relationships with men I was initially attracted to, but to who I ...well, just should not have been with long term. After my daughter, I added to and refined my list of requirements. Instinct and chemistry still played the biggest rolls...but my dates also had to have the other qualities I wanted in a partner or it was a dealbreaker.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 My whole reason for posting this came about since my last serious relationship ended over a year ago and I've been on several dates. Many of them a one-time deal. Two guys I dated for a little over a month. None of them ever amounted to anything. I am not out to marry within the next year, 5 years or even ten years. But honestly if he doesnt meet any of my top 5 (kind, openminded, funny, optimistic and smart) why friggen bother? I dont think I'm asking for a miracle man here either. Just marriage material. If we are all honest, we are ALL looking for the "one." It just so happens I've reached a breaking point sooner than some others can admit. I'm soooo done dealing with the scraps. This doesnt mean I dont like Appetizers and dessert occasionaly...sure. But I'm not gonna date anyone anymore just "because."
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 After my daughter, I added to and refined my list of requirements. Instinct and chemistry still played the biggest rolls...but my dates also had to have the other qualities I wanted in a partner or it was a dealbreaker. Haha, you musta just posted this before I got my last one up there. I agree. I think "Having A Top Five Before You Seriously Date" should be the renaming of this post.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 2sure, yes the gut does get me into trouble sometimes. I retract my former statement. I believe you and I have quite a bit in common. Well at least when it comes to single mommyhood!
porter218 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 2sure, yes the gut does get me into trouble sometimes. I retract my former statement. I believe you and I have quite a bit in common. Well at least when it comes to single mommyhood! My 'gut' only gets me into trouble when I ignore it. My gut has absolutely never been wrong...every time something goes wrong with a relationship I can say that my gut warned me this would happen but I ignored it.
lino Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Not at the moment. I'm 28 now and when I was 24-27 I 'dated' girls in this way but after so many failed attempts I've pretty much given up hoping to get married.
RecordProducer Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 My 'gut' only gets me into trouble when I ignore it. My gut has absolutely never been wrong...every time something goes wrong with a relationship I can say that my gut warned me this would happen but I ignored it. Well, there's a reason why we ignore out gut feeling: because often, what it tells you turns out to be a false alarm. Of course, whenever something goes wrong, our intuition warned us. But does our intuition warns us ONLY about the bad things? No. Nature (or God, if you wish) gave you intuition to sense things, but gave you reasoning abilities to rationally assess the situation. Ignoring your reason is equally detrimental as ignoring your intuition. A friend of mine told me recently "Always act impulsively when you're following your heart." I disagree. There is no magical "center" that we possess that shows us the right path in advance. We use all our assets to reach the right answers. And often, there are the wrong answers. Retrospectively, we are all very wise. On the other hand, taking risks is an important part of our nature. None of us would exist if our ancestors lived in a bubble and weren't risk takers and fighters. There are times when only the bravest get the goodies.
Bells Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Well, there's a reason why we ignore out gut feeling: because often, what it tells you turns out to be a false alarm. Of course, whenever something goes wrong, our intuition warned us. But does our intuition warns us ONLY about the bad things? No. Nature (or God, if you wish) gave you intuition to sense things, but gave you reasoning abilities to rationally assess the situation. Ignoring your reason is equally detrimental as ignoring your intuition. A friend of mine told me recently "Always act impulsively when you're following your heart." I disagree. There is no magical "center" that we possess that shows us the right path in advance. We use all our assets to reach the right answers. And often, there are the wrong answers. Retrospectively, we are all very wise. On the other hand, taking risks is an important part of our nature. None of us would exist if our ancestors lived in a bubble and weren't risk takers and fighters. There are times when only the bravest get the goodies. Yes, sometimes acting on instinct does not always work out for the better. Instinct is something primitive. For instance, you know how in a life and death situation, people "Freeze up" and die from doing just that? They freeze up and are afraid to "jump" or whatever, then they end up dying. Ever seen those scene in movies, where there is there is a rescuer saying, "Grab my hand" and they say, "I can't, I'm Scared!" They are acting on instinct. Same with a deer being trapped in headlights...blammo...ya got venison! lol
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Well, there's a reason why we ignore out gut feeling: because often, what it tells you turns out to be a false alarm.I disagree. People ignore their true gut instinct because it's not what they want to hear, so they rationalize themselves out of hearing it. What we tend to ignore more often, is our emotional response, not gut instinct. I do agree that you need to use everything you have, to come to the decision that makes sense for you. But...you also need to take responsibility for the consequences. This doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for other peoples' actions, just your own.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 13, 2008 Author Posted December 13, 2008 Well, there's a reason why we ignore out gut feeling: because often, what it tells you turns out to be a false alarm. Record Producer, I'm glad you and a few others shared this sentiment and brought it to my attention. I just had the most AMAZING date last night....with a guy whom I was not even going to give a chance because of my 'gut.' He was the reason I posted this thread to begin with. Had I not posted and absorbed what you guys were saying I would have missed out on this guy. I honestly think my 'gut' reaction to him was a fear of letting someone in. My walls have really been up for the last year or so after a horrible breakup. Thanks all!
gd26 Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Never in my life have I ever used the labels "marrying kind" or "just a fling kind" as filters for the men I dated. I just always went with the ones I liked, period. However I have been on a path of self discovery as of late and I am beginning to realize that this has gotten me into trouble. I date the "just a fling" kind for too long hoping it will be something its not. And Ive passed off the "marrying kind" as dull. Maybe its my age, maybe its the fact that I have a child now (with an ex who SO should not have been in my life) but I just dont want to date another man unless I could seriously consider marrying him. I want all the credentials, no wash ups or bad boys please. Is this normal to feel this way? Will I not be giving myself enough options if I do it this way? What do you think? Yes. I only date people who I can see a potential of marrying. If I know for certain that I can't marry someone, I don't want to keep sticking around... because there is no point of investing my heart into something in which my heart will eventually have to break over.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Never in my life have I ever used the labels "marrying kind" or "just a fling kind" as filters for the men I dated. I just always went with the ones I liked, period. However I have been on a path of self discovery as of late and I am beginning to realize that this has gotten me into trouble. I date the "just a fling" kind for too long hoping it will be something its not. And Ive passed off the "marrying kind" as dull. Maybe its my age, maybe its the fact that I have a child now (with an ex who SO should not have been in my life) but I just dont want to date another man unless I could seriously consider marrying him. I want all the credentials, no wash ups or bad boys please. Is this normal to feel this way? Will I not be giving myself enough options if I do it this way? What do you think? So, you want to search for someone to take care of you and your child? How is that different from a guy wanting a girl to take care of them? Funny how that self discovery does that very thing.
D-Lish Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I disagree. People ignore their true gut instinct because it's not what they want to hear, so they rationalize themselves out of hearing it. What we tend to ignore more often, is our emotional response, not gut instinct. I do agree that you need to use everything you have, to come to the decision that makes sense for you. But...you also need to take responsibility for the consequences. This doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for other peoples' actions, just your own. Agree with this. Having cognitive skills clouds instinct! I just learned so the hard way.
MN randomguy Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Never in my life have I ever used the labels "marrying kind" or "just a fling kind" as filters for the men I dated. I just always went with the ones I liked, period. However I have been on a path of self discovery as of late and I am beginning to realize that this has gotten me into trouble. I date the "just a fling" kind for too long hoping it will be something its not. And Ive passed off the "marrying kind" as dull. Maybe its my age, maybe its the fact that I have a child now (with an ex who SO should not have been in my life) but I just dont want to date another man unless I could seriously consider marrying him. I want all the credentials, no wash ups or bad boys please. Is this normal to feel this way? Will I not be giving myself enough options if I do it this way? What do you think? Well, This is not uncommon at all. Relate it to something you know. I talk to so many people that think this way. I ask what is your 10 year plan? What steps can you take to get there? I only date someone I would consider marrying because I don't want to break-up. I also don't want to put effort and time towards something that I plan on ending. Think of it this way, If it was your goal to be an engineer would you go to college and study history? I wish more women would think about this when they're young. I think your reasoning is accurate. Could you mentor some girls so that they think a little and plan for the future?
Gremio Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 Well, This is not uncommon at all. Relate it to something you know. I talk to so many people that think this way. I ask what is your 10 year plan? What steps can you take to get there? I only date someone I would consider marrying because I don't want to break-up. I also don't want to put effort and time towards something that I plan on ending. Think of it this way, If it was your goal to be an engineer would you go to college and study history? I wish more women would think about this when they're young. I think your reasoning is accurate. Could you mentor some girls so that they think a little and plan for the future? I agree. May I ask your general age? I am in my mid 20s but I feel and have always thought as you have stated. I have been single for about 18 months because I am very picky, exactly as some have stated. I do not start a relationship unless I know that there is a great possibility of a long future. I see no point in "hook-ups" or messing around just to end things later.
MN randomguy Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I agree. May I ask your general age? I am in my mid 20s but I feel and have always thought as you have stated. I have been single for about 18 months because I am very picky, exactly as some have stated. I do not start a relationship unless I know that there is a great possibility of a long future. I see no point in "hook-ups" or messing around just to end things later. I'm 29 but have seen things this way my whole life. I don't want people to read this and discount people too quickly. But, if you "Hook-up" You'll get good at hooking up. Then, wake-up at 30 and want to pursue a relationship with someone you respect. If this is something you've never done before how are you going to know what to do? Also, with women, if I could find a politically correct way to say this, but. A woman who is 20 and childless has more options than a 30 Y/O with a kid.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I don't see the point in dating somebody and opening up myself to developing feelings for him if it's going to be a dead-end road. I don't want to waste my time. While I'm definitely in no rush to ever get married again, I'd like there to be SOME long-term potential to a guy even if it's just a long-term relationship without marriage.
Gremio Posted December 14, 2008 Posted December 14, 2008 I'm 29 but have seen things this way my whole life. I don't want people to read this and discount people too quickly. But, if you "Hook-up" You'll get good at hooking up. Then, wake-up at 30 and want to pursue a relationship with someone you respect. If this is something you've never done before how are you going to know what to do? Also, with women, if I could find a politically correct way to say this, but. A woman who is 20 and childless has more options than a 30 Y/O with a kid. Hook-up in my mind is a one night stand. A "bar hoe". That is something I do not do. I have had long term relationships (three years, two years), FWBs, dated someone and had GREAT sex but she wasn't LTR material, had those "it just happened" moments with female friends. I know what it's like and am extremely experienced on "what to do". This goes back (and I'm not bragging... okay maybe a little) but I remember the night I lost my virginity... right before it was about to happen, I felt I had to tell the woman that I was a virgin. I did, and she didn't believe me... to the point she called me a liar and I swore to it. I'm good at what I do. I just don't see a purpose in doing things such as "hooking up". I see no fulfillment in that, just an opportunity for awkwarndess, STDs, pregnancy, and a reputation.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 14, 2008 Author Posted December 14, 2008 Well Im 24 if it was me you were asking what age I was... I dont understand what being 20 and childless vs 30 with children has anything to do with my orignal post. You may certainly feel this way but there are many others who dont. Just like some people think being ditzy is a dealbraker while others do not. Just like some wish to only date college grads and others do not. Im sorry but I found your comment to be a personal jab with no other intention than to sound like an arrogant prick. Youd be one I cross off my list.
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