LovieDove24 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Never in my life have I ever used the labels "marrying kind" or "just a fling kind" as filters for the men I dated. I just always went with the ones I liked, period. However I have been on a path of self discovery as of late and I am beginning to realize that this has gotten me into trouble. I date the "just a fling" kind for too long hoping it will be something its not. And Ive passed off the "marrying kind" as dull. Maybe its my age, maybe its the fact that I have a child now (with an ex who SO should not have been in my life) but I just dont want to date another man unless I could seriously consider marrying him. I want all the credentials, no wash ups or bad boys please. Is this normal to feel this way? Will I not be giving myself enough options if I do it this way? What do you think?
Lishy Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Yes, it is very normal! And you are right to be feeling that way, you have a child now and you need stability, not more 'wrong uns' I did the same thing, I know!
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Just have reasonable expectations. If you date the "fling kinda' guy", fling away. If you date the other kind, he's probably looking for a relationship. I would avoid dating for the sake of marriage.
porter218 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I have always felt like I was wasting my time if I couldn't picture myself married to the guy that I was dating. If I didn't feel like he was a good enough match for the rest of my life then why would he be good enough for the time being. I would have been happier alone then with a waste of time.
Lishy Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I dont care much for marriage TBH, but if I was going to seriously date a guy it would have to be a guy who I would not baulk at marrying as to me that speaks volumes! I probably would never marry him but I would at least like to know that he was a guy I liked enough to spend my life with. Of course, things change along the way and you could spend 2 years thinking he was marriage material i.e a keeper, and then he could shag your mate or even worse, your brother! But I agree that to allow a guy into yours and your childrens lives they have to be special
gnatalie Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I think do not have long terms plans in mind when you are dating. You are not looking for a "marriage partner". The purpose of a date is to test whether you like each other. It can end 3 ways. First, it could start a new relationship. Second, you could gain a new friendship. Third you just gained a new acquaintance, who you will not see very often but good to know nonetheless.
porter218 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I think do not have long terms plans in mind when you are dating. You are not looking for a "marriage partner". The purpose of a date is to test whether you like each other. It can end 3 ways. First, it could start a new relationship. Second, you could gain a new friendship. Third you just gained a new acquaintance, who you will not see very often but good to know nonetheless. If they weren't already an acquaintance then they wouldn't get so far as to go on a date with me. I never went on blind dates or went out with someone I just met.
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well, I'd like to pose this question from the opposite directon: Do women (particularly in their 30s) approach dating primarily from marriage potential evaluation standpoint??? I hope not, but if so, that's a bit scary and in my mind ruins dating for everybody involved. (And mind you, I'm a guy that *wants* to get married). I personally think that fling dating is just fine as long as the expectations are made blatantly clear upfront. Then if something more serious begins to develop, said expectations could and should be re-evaluated. In any case, both sides should be sensible enough not to allow a fling to drag for too long (I say less than 6 mos is ideal). But other than that, why not enjoy the companionship, and then part ways? The point being that most people in our age group (at least the male of them ), have some basic idea about what kind of person they'd like to commit to. Somebody with particular traits is difficult to find, and sometimes meybe evne impossible. But, why not casually date in the interim? If marriage turns into this big project, that's a little scary, unless it's a priority for both parties. But if not, it is scary, because one of them inevitably gets used.
Author LovieDove24 Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 But movingonandon, I have just stated that I dont know when to "get out" of the relationships that should have just remained flings to begin with. If I know this to be true about myself, I dont think avoiding people who won't be good for me in the long run is a bad idea...
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I think do not have long terms plans in mind when you are dating. You are not looking for a "marriage partner". The purpose of a date is to test whether you like each other. It can end 3 ways. First, it could start a new relationship. Second, you could gain a new friendship. Third you just gained a new acquaintance, who you will not see very often but good to know nonetheless. Wait, are you talking about "a date", or dating over some short period of time (i.e. a fling, a relationship). If the former - duh. If the latter, where can I make a donation to promote this point of view among women?
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 This thread makes me uncomfortable. Relationship-style man, that's okay. Marriage? Holy Dinah, run for the hills! There's no way anyone can know each other well enough, no matter how long they've been friends, to know if they're romantically suitable.
wisebutnotperfect Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I can relate.. but I think you are on the right track mentally. Last weekend I went to a party with a friend as a date but I don't feel any passion toward her at all. She is such a nice person, we have fun and enjoy each others company. She spent the night and all we did was cuddle and sleep. It was nice but I wonder if this is normal without having any romantic feelings. I keep thinking that maybe romantic feelings will develope. Do you think I am wasting my time? Or hers?
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 But movingonandon, I have just stated that I dont know when to "get out" of the relationships that should have just remained flings to begin with. If I know this to be true about myself, I dont think avoiding people who won't be good for me in the long run is a bad idea... Um, I'd imagine that you do know - if ou don't know that somebody may not be right for you, how do you know that somebody IS right for you? Moreover, it's pretty much imposible to tell after 5-6 dates. Hence the value of short (3-6 months) relationships. If, after that time people are still in willy-nilly territory, it's probably better to break things off. if not, renegotiate expectations. This topic is important for me, because I'm considering dating a perfectly fine and cute girl that I don't quite see as anything serious or long term, but enjoy her company (in moderation) nevertheless. So it's 90% probable but she's not right for me, but why not hang out for a while rather than keep on some sort of maniacal hunt? Moreover, why turn down a 10% chance that she might be a lot better than it seems right now? Of course, there's this little thorny issue about her feelings, which, I hope I'm not in the minority here, I'm not ignoring (if I did, she would have been an entry in my black book by now ). So she *says* she's aware of my non-expectations, but this does not mean that she will not hold onto some home that maybe somehow things will work out longer term?
porter218 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well, I'd like to pose this question from the opposite directon: Do women (particularly in their 30s) approach dating primarily from marriage potential evaluation standpoint??? I hope not, but if so, that's a bit scary and in my mind ruins dating for everybody involved. (And mind you, I'm a guy that *wants* to get married). I personally think that fling dating is just fine as long as the expectations are made blatantly clear upfront. Then if something more serious begins to develop, said expectations could and should be re-evaluated. In any case, both sides should be sensible enough not to allow a fling to drag for too long (I say less than 6 mos is ideal). But other than that, why not enjoy the companionship, and then part ways? The point being that most people in our age group (at least the male of them ), have some basic idea about what kind of person they'd like to commit to. Somebody with particular traits is difficult to find, and sometimes meybe evne impossible. But, why not casually date in the interim? If marriage turns into this big project, that's a little scary, unless it's a priority for both parties. But if not, it is scary, because one of them inevitably gets used. Flings just were not satisfying to me. I never brought up marriage in my relationships or pressured anyone...nor did I have a timeline about when I had wanted to be married, but I needed to feel like I would be happy with this person for the rest of my life. When that feeling faded or if our values clashed too much then I left because why waste time with someone that will never be the one when you could be out finding 'the one'. What if you are in the midst of a fling when the person you are meant to love meets you? They may pass you over since you are already seeing someone...and to make matters worse that someone is really nobody important. This view of mine didn't surface when I got older...I always felt like you shouldn't waste time on flings headed nowhere.
Gremio Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I'm a mid 20s male but I am FAR from the norm. I don't "date". I choose to see a person if I am very interested in them and have a strong feeling that we would be very compatible. I am not looking for marriage but I look forward to it one day. I have always been a relationship person. I don't believe in hook-ups or one night stands, which seems to be the norm anymore.
2sure Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 For a long time, when I was single I thought I was a "serial dater". I loved dating, I will admit. But also, I think it was because I had previously ended up in relationships that didnt work. I didnt trust my own judgement for a while. After being a single mom for awhile, I used to long for a partner. And there is nothing wrong with sincerely wanting a life partner. It doesnt always "just happen". So, I started dating guys using a different criterion. Men who were family oriented, successful, stable, etc. (Like you, I had to look long and hard to find one of those who was also not boring to me!) So, I have come to realize that I was not so much serial dating as Power Shopping. I guess I was husband shopping. And most of the men I dated, those I became most attracted to - were also looking for a partner.
porter218 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Moreover, it's pretty much imposible to tell after 5-6 dates. Hence the value of short (3-6 months) relationships. If, after that time people are still in willy-nilly territory, it's probably better to break things off. if not, renegotiate expectations. No its not. If it isn't there in the first or second date then it never will be. If I didnt feel that 'magic' from the beginning then I didn't want it. Also I usually covered all the important issues in the first few conversations..what you want from life, what type of upbringing you had, do you have/want kids etc.
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I can relate.. but I think you are on the right track mentally. Last weekend I went to a party with a friend as a date but I don't feel any passion toward her at all. She is such a nice person, we have fun and enjoy each others company. She spent the night and all we did was cuddle and sleep. It was nice but I wonder if this is normal without having any romantic feelings. I keep thinking that maybe romantic feelings will develope. Do you think I am wasting my time? Or hers? You're probably wasting both of your times, but why not?
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 No its not. If it isn't there in the first or second date then it never will be. If I didnt feel that 'magic' from the beginning then I didn't want it. Also I usually covered all the important issues in the first few conversations..what you want from life, what type of upbringing you had, do you have/want kids etc. That's all superficial stuff. Moreover, if I just want to get into your pants, I can put such a beautiful though subtle performance on whatever it is that you want to hear, that you'll be stocking on bridal magazines in no time. The point is that you can't tell anything about a person's character without beig with them over an extended period of time. And, character is the single most important predictor of the quality of long-term partnership.
Gremio Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 That's all superficial stuff. Moreover, if I just want to get into your pants, I can put such a beautiful though subtle performance on whatever it is that you want to hear, that you'll be stocking on bridal magazines in no time. The point is that you can't tell anything about a person's character without beig with them over an extended period of time. And, character is the single most important predictor of the quality of long-term partnership. I can believe you, but also some of us a very good readers. I have a VERY good sense of reading people. It's actually developed where my own friends ask me to meet people and come along with them in social settings just to get my thoughts on the type of person they are, if they are compatible, etc. The type of women you manipulate are just weak and "prey" to you. I know what you mean about learning people and their habits over time will show you the true them, but most people have tells that give them away very early on.
movingonandon Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 What if you are in the midst of a fling when the person you are meant to love meets you? They may pass you over since you are already seeing someone...and to make matters worse that someone is really nobody important. That's actually the single most serious problem i see with flings, but wonder if it's not exagerrated. In this type of relaitonship you don't typically live together, don't see each other that often, etc. Most importantly, if you do notice someone who like more, than basic common sense and decency dictates to break things off immediately with your "fling", even if no interaction with the new love interests has happened yet... On the flip side, maybe I'm just tired from looking around non-stop and want to enjoy the companionship of somebody else in the meantime...
porter218 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 That's all superficial stuff. Moreover, if I just want to get into your pants, I can put such a beautiful though subtle performance on whatever it is that you want to hear, that you'll be stocking on bridal magazines in no time. The point is that you can't tell anything about a person's character without beig with them over an extended period of time. And, character is the single most important predictor of the quality of long-term partnership. Well I was on my second date with my H when he first talked about wanting to marry me and by the end of the month I had a ring on my hand. I can honestly say I knew him back and forth by then including his flaws that he tried to hide. It never took me very long to know what someone was about. Nobody could trick me into getting into my pants, What I wanted to hear was never obvious enough to feed me game.
RecordProducer Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Do you only date people you feel you "could marry?" Yes. Regardless of whether I want to get married or I'm already married, I only spend time with men and women whom I find wonderful in every aspect. I would rather settle for less chemistry (if I didn't want marriage) but date a smart and decent guy than date some scumbag just because he's cute and sexy. Will I not be giving myself enough options if I do it this way? What do you think?Options for what? Great sex? Getting hurt? Catching an STD?
berrieh Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 At this point, yes, I only enter into a relationship with guys I could consider marrying. (I'd date fun guys casually, but not sleep with them or enter into a commitment with them.) I've been proposed to twice, both in terrible, terrible relationships with guys I had no desire to marry (one cheated on me, I broke up with him, and then he proposed to me; the other was an awesome guy, my HS boyfriend, but we weren't well-suited for each other long-term). So, I guess I feel like I'm wasting both our time and leading us both on if I'd never consider marrying him... It's why my relationships have gotten a bit shorter over the years.
Isolde Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Flings just were not satisfying to me. I never brought up marriage in my relationships or pressured anyone...nor did I have a timeline about when I had wanted to be married, but I needed to feel like I would be happy with this person for the rest of my life. When that feeling faded or if our values clashed too much then I left because why waste time with someone that will never be the one when you could be out finding 'the one'. What if you are in the midst of a fling when the person you are meant to love meets you? They may pass you over since you are already seeing someone...and to make matters worse that someone is really nobody important. This view of mine didn't surface when I got older...I always felt like you shouldn't waste time on flings headed nowhere. I agree--the confusing part is, how long does it take to figure out whether something has a chance of lasting a long time... hmm. I think you need to be able to envision yourself married to the person, but there is no way to be certain it would work. No way.
Recommended Posts