This is really difficult for me, i just dont know anymore

[Lynx331]

Ok guys I really need some help here.. I have posted here before about this same girl, everyone suggested that I leave her. So I guess I waited til it seemed right in my mind, and I did a few days ago. I am having a really difficult time with this. She is 21 as am i, this is my first real serious long relationship. I broke up with her, after we got into ANOTHER argument about money.. Long story short.. she really has no motivation to work… which I understand why because her father, and myself have made it very easy for her… giving her something to fall back on.. like when she needs food.. or gas money one of us would provide it. Which is wrong, I guess both of us needed to stop completely, so she would realize hey wow.. I need to support myself. I would just buy her things.. not necessarily because I felt bad.. but because I felt she deserved to have food to eat and gas to go places. But that was my mistake. Basically this relationship started off really rocky.. she had broken up with her abusive ex of 5 years about 6 months prior to me meeting her. He hit her, and emotionally abused her.. so I knew in a way that I was in for an uphill battle. But the first night we hung out… I fell in love.. sitting in a car.. talking for 7 hours… so I felt she was well worth the effort. Things started out rough.. with stuff from her ex showing its face here and there.. and after a while I got her to accept her past.. that it is gone, and she needs to stop living in it, or she will never have a future. So that’s helped a lot. But throughout the whole relationship she has been I guess, mean to me.. belittleing me in front of my friends, calling me names, being controling. And I let it all slide for a very long time, saying to myself that she will realize I am not her ex eventually.. and realize I am not out to get her. That really never changed throughout the course of the relationship. I am not a mean person at all, I wouldn’t hurt a fly, in the last month of so.. I have noticed I have gotten mean alittle bit twoard her, and I explained to her.. that I can only take so much.. you can only be so mean to me.. before I guess my mind starts being mean back. We talked about that and she said she understood. But things just felt different for the past month, I felt like the FIRE that kept me wanting to see her all the time was fading away, not because of time, but because the same issues we had.. were not going away, and I was getting tired of getting treated the way she treated me, tired of doing literally everything she wanted and having her get mad at me, and tired of arguing over the same things all the time. So here is why I broke it off.. I felt controlled never being able to do anything I want, and if we did she would make it known she was not happy about it. I would do things that I didn’t necessarily want to do, but she wanted to do them.. and I wanted to be with her, so I would do them. Then when I wanted to do something, she would say “I don’t want to do that, its not my idea of fun”. I felt she was depressed inside… and throughout our 8 month relationship I offered many times to go to a councelor with her to help her striaghten things out. The reasons I thought she was depressed was, nothing was ever her fault.. it was ALWAYS everyone else.. never her.. she just seemed so sad all the time, no job using her parents car saying her parents didn’t treat her like an adult, not having money to even buy gas or food. I guess anyone in that position would be sad and depressed, so one day I really sat down.. and thought about how to help her. I sat down with her and talked about what I thought… a job.. would help her in so many ways, to feel self supportive, to be able to have things with HER own money, to show her parents she is an adult, to get her out of her out everyday which will clear her head and not allow her to dwell on things.. I thought of many many things and explained to her about how a job would help her feel so much better, and help us out as a couple. She actually cried.. said she agreed.. and was sorry we fought so much about this before. So the next day.. was she out applying.. of course not. And then two weeks later we had a fight about a job and that’s when I decided to break it off. Its not that I don’t mind paying for her.. its just hard sometimes when I buy her movie ticket, or buy her dinner, knowing that she doesn’t even have a ability to offer to pay, not that I would let her anyway, but just knowing she couldn’t because she doesn’t want a job. And that made me very nervous about my future, I wish it was back in the 50’s when the wife stayed at home and the husband worked.. I would have no problem doing that, its just in todays economy.. both people have to work to have ANYTHING.. and I would get so scared thinking if I am with her.. she wouldn’t want to work and wouldn’t want to help me support a life for us and our family. Another thing is my parents cannot stand the way she treats me, they say she walks all over me.. I guess I don’t fully see it because I am blinded by the love I have for her. My friends also say the same thing.. that she walks all over me and don’t want to see that happen to me. Since the break up.. I told her honestly… that I need time to figure things out. I realize that that’s a very common excuse for people to just dump someone, but mine was honest. I love her and care for her, yet do not like the way she treats me, my parents cannot stand her, my friends cannot stand how she treats me, and yet somehow in the back of my mind is hoping.. she will change… realize what she had.. realize what she lost.. and want to make things work and not treat me like she has. Yet I also feel that the fire might be gone that kept me wanting to be with her… but that could just be because of the passing of the “honeymoon” stage… so I told her honestly.. I need time away to get everything straight.. which she was upset about initially, and then came to understand if that’s what I needed it was ok with her. She then wrote me an email saying that she realized everything was her fault, that I treated her like a queen, putting her up on a pedastal and doing everything for her.. and she was downright mean. Said she cant even state a case for herself, that she knows how wrong she was to do the things she did. That she wanted to be the woman I needed in life and she failed horribly, she is sorry from the bottom of her heart and hopes one day I can forgive her for her ignorance. Very amazing email.. but since then.. I found out she hasn’t looked for a job, started smoking again.. stopped going to the gym.. so I am wondering if she is just telling me what I want to hear to try and get me back. We have broken up a few times before.. only for like a day.. then she would say she would change and make this better.. then a week later it would be the same thing. I just don’t understand what I am feeling right now.. I guess part of me hopes by losing me it will make her realize how much she cares for me.. but then part of me thinks the spark is gone.. I am considering telling her we need no contact for a little while until I can get everything straight in my head.. I was just curious if anyone had any opinions on this? Is no contact the best idea? We have been texting alittle back and forth.. and she actually said to me last night.. that its hard for her talking to me.. because she sees a glimpse of hope one minute.. and the next minute its gone.. which I understand. And I do not want to do that to her, I don’t want to put her through that.. so I cam really considering no contact.. for atleast a week or so and see how I feel about her then? Does anyone have any opinions? I am really messed up right now, and im sorry for the crudity of this post.. but I really can hardly think straight… thank you in advance for anyone that took the time to read this! I appreciate it very much!

[Lynx331]

no one has any ideas? id be happy to elaborate on any details if that would help any.. this just really really sucks...

[Konfuzion]

I suggest paragraphs, it makes people much more likely to read your post.

[Lynx331]

Ok guys I really need some help here.. I have posted here before about this same girl, everyone suggested that I leave her. So I guess I waited til it seemed right in my mind, and I did a few days ago. I am having a really difficult time with this. She is 21 as am i, this is my first real serious long relationship. I broke up with her, after we got into ANOTHER argument about money.. Long story short.. she really has no motivation to work… which I understand why because her father, and myself have made it very easy for her… giving her something to fall back on.. like when she needs food.. or gas money one of us would provide it. Which is wrong, I guess both of us needed to stop completely, so she would realize hey wow.. I need to support myself. I would just buy her things.. not necessarily because I felt bad.. but because I felt she deserved to have food to eat and gas to go places. But that was my mistake.

 

 

Basically this relationship started off really rocky.. she had broken up with her abusive ex of 5 years about 6 months prior to me meeting her. He hit her, and emotionally abused her.. so I knew in a way that I was in for an uphill battle. But the first night we hung out… I fell in love.. sitting in a car.. talking for 7 hours… so I felt she was well worth the effort. Things started out rough.. with stuff from her ex showing its face here and there.. and after a while I got her to accept her past.. that it is gone, and she needs to stop living in it, or she will never have a future. So that’s helped a lot. But throughout the whole relationship she has been I guess, mean to me.. belittleing me in front of my friends, calling me names, being controling. And I let it all slide for a very long time, saying to myself that she will realize I am not her ex eventually.. and realize I am not out to get her. That really never changed throughout the course of the relationship. I am not a mean person at all, I wouldn’t hurt a fly, in the last month of so.. I have noticed I have gotten mean alittle bit twoard her, and I explained to her.. that I can only take so much.. you can only be so mean to me.. before I guess my mind starts being mean back. We talked about that and she said she understood. But things just felt different for the past month, I felt like the FIRE that kept me wanting to see her all the time was fading away, not because of time, but because the same issues we had.. were not going away, and I was getting tired of getting treated the way she treated me, tired of doing literally everything she wanted and having her get mad at me, and tired of arguing over the same things all the time.

 

 

So here is why I broke it off.. I felt controlled never being able to do anything I want, and if we did she would make it known she was not happy about it. I would do things that I didn’t necessarily want to do, but she wanted to do them.. and I wanted to be with her, so I would do them. Then when I wanted to do something, she would say “I don’t want to do that, its not my idea of fun”. I felt she was depressed inside… and throughout our 8 month relationship I offered many times to go to a councelor with her to help her striaghten things out. The reasons I thought she was depressed was, nothing was ever her fault.. it was ALWAYS everyone else.. never her.. she just seemed so sad all the time, no job using her parents car saying her parents didn’t treat her like an adult, not having money to even buy gas or food. I guess anyone in that position would be sad and depressed, so one day I really sat down.. and thought about how to help her. I sat down with her and talked about what I thought… a job.. would help her in so many ways, to feel self supportive, to be able to have things with HER own money, to show her parents she is an adult, to get her out of her out everyday which will clear her head and not allow her to dwell on things.. I thought of many many things and explained to her about how a job would help her feel so much better, and help us out as a couple. She actually cried.. said she agreed.. and was sorry we fought so much about this before.

 

So the next day.. was she out applying.. of course not. And then two weeks later we had a fight about a job and that’s when I decided to break it off. Its not that I don’t mind paying for her.. its just hard sometimes when I buy her movie ticket, or buy her dinner, knowing that she doesn’t even have a ability to offer to pay, not that I would let her anyway, but just knowing she couldn’t because she doesn’t want a job. And that made me very nervous about my future, I wish it was back in the 50’s when the wife stayed at home and the husband worked.. I would have no problem doing that, its just in todays economy.. both people have to work to have ANYTHING.. and I would get so scared thinking if I am with her.. she wouldn’t want to work and wouldn’t want to help me support a life for us and our family. Another thing is my parents cannot stand the way she treats me, they say she walks all over me..

 

 

I guess I don’t fully see it because I am blinded by the love I have for her. My friends also say the same thing.. that she walks all over me and don’t want to see that happen to me. Since the break up.. I told her honestly… that I need time to figure things out. I realize that that’s a very common excuse for people to just dump someone, but mine was honest. I love her and care for her, yet do not like the way she treats me, my parents cannot stand her, my friends cannot stand how she treats me, and yet somehow in the back of my mind is hoping.. she will change… realize what she had.. realize what she lost.. and want to make things work and not treat me like she has. Yet I also feel that the fire might be gone that kept me wanting to be with her… but that could just be because of the passing of the “honeymoon” stage… so I told her honestly.. I need time away to get everything straight.. which she was upset about initially, and then came to understand if that’s what I needed it was ok with her.

 

 

She then wrote me an email saying that she realized everything was her fault, that I treated her like a queen, putting her up on a pedastal and doing everything for her.. and she was downright mean. Said she cant even state a case for herself, that she knows how wrong she was to do the things she did. That she wanted to be the woman I needed in life and she failed horribly, she is sorry from the bottom of her heart and hopes one day I can forgive her for her ignorance. Very amazing email.. but since then.. I found out she hasn’t looked for a job, started smoking again.. stopped going to the gym.. so I am wondering if she is just telling me what I want to hear to try and get me back.

 

We have broken up a few times before.. only for like a day.. then she would say she would change and make this better.. then a week later it would be the same thing. I just don’t understand what I am feeling right now.. I guess part of me hopes by losing me it will make her realize how much she cares for me.. but then part of me thinks the spark is gone.. I am considering telling her we need no contact for a little while until I can get everything straight in my head..

 

 

I was just curious if anyone had any opinions on this? Is no contact the best idea? We have been texting alittle back and forth.. and she actually said to me last night.. that its hard for her talking to me.. because she sees a glimpse of hope one minute.. and the next minute its gone.. which I understand. And I do not want to do that to her, I don’t want to put her through that.. so I cam really considering no contact.. for atleast a week or so and see how I feel about her then? Does anyone have any opinions? I am really messed up right now, and im sorry for the crudity of this post.. but I really can hardly think straight… thank you in advance for anyone that took the time to read this! I appreciate it very much!

[fishtaco]

so I am wondering if she is just telling me what I want to hear to try and get me back

 

You just answered your own question.

 

First, people tell you things to get what they want all the time, both men and women. Second, people don't change, both men and women. Any change for the better you see will only be temporary, because that's not change, that's putting on a show to get something from you. Permanent changes only happen as the result of traumatic events. Those changes most likely will be for the worse, not better. Permanent changes for the better could happen, but usually it requires professional guidance, say a therapist or something.

 

This scenario is played out over and over again. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Move on. There are more women out there.

 

I recommend NC. The benefits of that is all over the forum here. I'm practicing that currently myself.

[Lynx331]

You just answered your own question.

 

First, people tell you things to get what they want all the time, both men and women. Second, people don't change, both men and women. Any change for the better you see will only be temporary, because that's not change, that's putting on a show to get something from you. Permanent changes only happen as the result of traumatic events. Those changes most likely will be for the worse, not better. Permanent changes for the better could happen, but usually it requires professional guidance, say a therapist or something.

 

This scenario is played out over and over again. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Move on. There are more women out there.

 

I recommend NC. The benefits of that is all over the forum here. I'm practicing that currently myself.

 

Thats what I was afraid of... Lol everyone tells me our goals do not mesh well together and it usually ends with me making the sacrifice because things must always go her way... But my mind ALWAYS plays devils advocate with me.. Saying well what if she was the one? What if she really would have changed? be that's what causes most of my indecision is my mind always plays the what if game... Is this normal? Any way to get past it? By the way thank you for taking the time to read that!

[fishtaco]

Thats what I was afraid of... Lol everyone tells me our goals do not mesh well together and it usually ends with me making the sacrifice because things must always go her way... But my mind ALWAYS plays devils advocate with me.. Saying well what if she was the one? What if she really would have changed? be that's what causes most of my indecision is my mind always plays the what if game... Is this normal? Any way to get past it? By the way thank you for taking the time to read that!

 

She's not the one. The very basic requirement of being "the one", is that they are willing to sacrifice for the relationship as much as you would. Addition to that is that if she's "the one", you wouldn't need to sacrifice all that much. Relationships are never holding hands and walking into the sunset, so it will require some sacrifice, but at the same time it shouldn't feel like you're working your butt off so your CEO can buy a Ferrari for his 16 year old daughter.

 

I don't know if it's normal to feel this way, but it certainly doesn't help. Are you stuck on her because you're afraid to be single? Afraid you'll never find someone else? I guess experience will fix this. After you've gone through this a number of times you'll realize the cliche there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Because well, that cliche happens to be true.

[Lynx331]

Really it's not that I am afraid to be alone, or that I am afraid I will never find someone else. Ok I'll spill everything I am feeling, this is my first long serious meet the family girlfriend.. So that could very well be the reason i feel this way. But here it goes.. 1. She went through a very rough time before me, bad guys etc.. And I was so excited that she met me.. I may not be the best guy.. But I know I'm not a jerk who is just here to take advantage.. And once I got to know her on the inside I knew she deserved a man that would treated her as best as he could.. And i'm worried if I walk away.. Someone will find her and hurt her and she doesn't deserve that. 2. We really did have slot of fun together, laughing wrestling, sitting in a room doing nothing and having a fabulous time. 3. I consider her my best friend, and she said no matter what ends up happening.. She would still like to be my friend. (which is a whole other thing there... If I'm really gona move on... Is it gona be harder on me to still have contact with her) but really it's like I'm losing my girlfriend, and my best friend.. Which is hard to get through. 4. I'm afraid if she's the one and I ruin my chance by ending it now. 5. We have a VERY VERY strong sexual connection.. Something I have never felt before with anyone.. That is going to make leaving her even harder. 6. I really do care about her, I truely do, and I want the absolute best for her

 

And I guess that's about it, my dad keeps telling me there's other fish out there.. I guess it's hard to see.. Because she is all I know.. I just don't want to ruin it if it is meant to be.... And I feel so.. Weak for not knowing what to do in this situation..

[Lynx331]

by the way.. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your opinion I really do appreciate it!

[fishtaco]

1. Never be a knight in shining armor. If your angle is to play the rescuer, you'll be rescuing troubled women for the rest of your life. Troubled women will make an otherwise healthy relationship into a troubled one. That's why they're troubled. This applies to men too.

 

2. Of course, why would you date someone that you don't have a great time with? Your next girlfriend will be just as fun. This is not exclusive to her.

 

3. Same as #2. The best relationships are with girls that you can also be friends with. If you're dating a chick that you have sexual chemistry with, but nothing else, then you're just banging her. That's called a bed buddy. Your next girlfriend will be the same, provided you choose carefully. Again not exclusive to her.

 

4. I responded to that one already. She's not the one.

 

5. You'll have strong sexual connection with more women than you could get into relationships with. It's easier to find someone that plays well in bed with you, than someone that plays well in bed with you AND is compatible enough to start a relationship with. Not only is this not exclusive to her, this requirement is actually easier to find.

 

6. Sure. I also care about my buddy that was the goalie of the first hockey team I ever played on. But that's not going to turn me gay and stop me from dating women. You can care about her and move on at the same time.

 

What you should be doing is go date someone else. Establish NC with her until you're both ready to be only platonic friends. Then you can reconnect and start caring about her like I care about my hockey buddy.

[Lynx331]

well that was the answer I was hoping I WOULDNT get lol... I was hopng for.. She will change everything will be good.. Don't worry about it... But it looks like that's not the case.. One last question tho... If it really is meant to be.. It will all workout in the end right?? I dunno what I'm gona say to her... I don't like the idea that I am gona have to hurt her... I'm not gona lie I'm extremely sad right now... And I really don't know if I could ever be friends with her... I want the best for her, but seeing her with someone will be very difficult for me...

[Lynx331]

I guess the hardest part for me is I think about this girl all day everyday, I'm always thinking about what she's doing.. If she's ok... If she's having a good day, how much I miss her and how much I cAre for her... This whole thing just sucks... Is it possible I will care for someone else like I do for her?

[fishtaco]

Chances are you'll be able to fine women that are better than her. But first you have to move on.

 

No contact. That will help you (and her) heal.

[Lynx331]

well I did it... Last night.. Explaining to her everything... How her lack of confidence about herself has caused major problems for us.. Which caused the excessive jealousy, her not wanting to work, he thinking I would be "choosing" between her and my friends... And has actually made me unhappy and unconfident about myself. So I said everything very nicely, she proceededto get pissed off and tell me she was fine without me and wished she never met me and that I really never loved her.. I was just lying.. So that upset me.. So I said good by.. And no contact started right then... I really can't believe she would say those things after everything we went through together... But supriseingly... I'm doing ok today actually

[fishtaco]

well I did it... Last night.. Explaining to her everything... How her lack of confidence about herself has caused major problems for us.. Which caused the excessive jealousy, her not wanting to work, he thinking I would be "choosing" between her and my friends... And has actually made me unhappy and unconfident about myself. So I said everything very nicely, she proceededto get pissed off and tell me she was fine without me and wished she never met me and that I really never loved her.. I was just lying.. So that upset me.. So I said good by.. And no contact started right then... I really can't believe she would say those things after everything we went through together... But supriseingly... I'm doing ok today actually

 

Well, next time even if it's her fault, don't put it that way. That's just going to make her defensive. Although I've made that mistake myself. When men (at least me) get emotional, their brain function drops down to that of a sea slug.

 

At most go with a 50-50 at fault type thing, and just say you're not compatible, and it's the best for both.

 

But the important thing is you did it. Good job. Now you have to stick with it. You'll have ups and downs, but make sure you don't contact her. Then one day, you'll be over it.