Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Just wanna pick the brain of any man who has affairs with married women. My wife recently (3 months ago) came clean about and ended an affair of the heart with a guy who she dealt with through work. He lived in another town (5hrs away by car) and for whatever reason picked up her lonely scent (I had her on ignore) and manipulated circumstances so he could establish a direct Email connection with her. She was not blameless by any stretch...she could have stopped things at any time and only half heartedly tried to...more to satisfy her own morality I suppose. But he was definately the "player"...this was not new to him.

 

What I want to know is how do you feel when you begin the pursuit? Do you think at all of the effect it will have on the woman's family? How do you rationalize it? I.e. do you take the view "if she doesn't step out with you than she'll just find someone else". Is it more satisfying when it is a woman who's been married a long time and never did anything like this before? Does that better stroke the ego? If contacted by the husband when D-day occurs are you cocky about it or do you feel like an a-hole? Can you help yourself?

Posted
Just wanna pick the brain of any man who has affairs with married women. My wife recently (3 months ago) came clean about and ended an affair of the heart with a guy who she dealt with through work. He lived in another town (5hrs away by car) and for whatever reason picked up her lonely scent (I had her on ignore) and manipulated circumstances so he could establish a direct Email connection with her. She was not blameless by any stretch...she could have stopped things at any time and only half heartedly tried to...more to satisfy her own morality I suppose. But he was definately the "player"...this was not new to him.

 

What I want to know is how do you feel when you begin the pursuit? Do you think at all of the effect it will have on the woman's family? How do you rationalize it? I.e. do you take the view "if she doesn't step out with you than she'll just find someone else". Is it more satisfying when it is a woman who's been married a long time and never did anything like this before? Does that better stroke the ego? If contacted by the husband when D-day occurs are you cocky about it or do you feel like an a-hole? Can you help yourself?

 

Not an OM but I can promise you HE is NOTHING. One more time, HE is NOTHING. He is neither problem nor cause. HE is little more than a willing tool (pun intended).

 

You will gain nothing from him and you will learn nothing from him.

 

The real problem is your W, your M and to a lesser degree yourself. Focus there and ignore the interloper.

 

What are you DOING to work on your M? Of course, I presume you wish to save it - do you?

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the reply...

Yep, for sure I wanna save it...20 years together and I was not a good husband for the most part so she is insta-forgiven but I am obsessing a little over OM...I guess it's a male pride thing, he came in my yard and peed on my favorite tree...I'd actually love to confront the SOB but after 3 months I'd likely just be feeding his ego. It just gets under my skin because I've worked with a lot of women over the years and couldn't count the number of times I've had 'em tell me about how bad their marriages were and how lonely they felt but I never once went down that road with anybody cause I always knew that no matter how bad they may make things sound sure as hell there's some guy out there who loves this woman and would be absolutely devastated to know she was involved with another man...I'd never want to be a party to that kind of destructiveness.

  • Author
Posted

<<What are you DOING to work on your M? Of course, I presume you wish to save it - do you? >>

 

Everything!!! Quit three bad habits; lost 40 pounds; total attitude overhaul.

Posted
Just wanna pick the brain of any man who has affairs with married women. My wife recently (3 months ago) came clean about and ended an affair of the heart with a guy who she dealt with through work. He lived in another town (5hrs away by car) and for whatever reason picked up her lonely scent (I had her on ignore) and manipulated circumstances so he could establish a direct Email connection with her. She was not blameless by any stretch...she could have stopped things at any time and only half heartedly tried to...more to satisfy her own morality I suppose. But he was definately the "player"...this was not new to him.

 

What I want to know is how do you feel when you begin the pursuit? Do you think at all of the effect it will have on the woman's family? How do you rationalize it? I.e. do you take the view "if she doesn't step out with you than she'll just find someone else". Is it more satisfying when it is a woman who's been married a long time and never did anything like this before? Does that better stroke the ego? If contacted by the husband when D-day occurs are you cocky about it or do you feel like an a-hole? Can you help yourself?

I was an OM and i will try and help you here.

 

When I began the pursuit I wasn't aware I was pursuing her. It went from being just friends to at some point being more. The transition can be murky and ill defined. I doubt that gives you much satisfaction.

 

I rationalized it by thinking we'd be together, and if nothing else, she was in an unhappy marriage anyway so what's the harm? Not cool, I know.

 

I wouldn't worry about the ego boost thing so much, but the fact that this was her first affair did affect things. It was obvious by both of our behavior that neither had done it before. There was a certain amount of excitement knowing I was "different" than the other men she had met during 13 years of marriage, but even more, the fact that I was her first encouraged me since I figured I was special, and that it was real. Again, not so much an ego boost, as much as an added excuse for a rationalization.

 

If her husband ever contacted me, I doubt I'd discuss anything with him. I'm a very loyal person and while things are over between her and I, I promised to keep my mouth shut and I have to keep that promise. To break it, in my mind, would be just adding another wrong choice to an already large pile of bad choices. Besides, it's their marriage and it's none of my business. Never was and sure as heck isn't now.

 

Hope any of this helps. I doubt it does but I thought I'd try. If you feel the urge to ask more, I'll answer any questions as best and honestly as I can. If you don't understand something I'm trying to say, just ask that I clarify and I'll try.

Posted

In a sense, I was once an OM. I dated a girl who lived with a guy.

 

First off, it is NEVER about you. It is about her.

 

Second, his opinion of you is based on what she told him. I can guess that he thinks you are an inconsiderate jerk since you described yourself as putting her on ignore.

 

Third, remember, other men are NOT like vultures that prey on women. Fact is...she was as much guilty as he was. She simply needed someone to listen to her, and he fit the bill. He needed a friend, and she fit the bill. That is the complete description of what happened. The fact that it did not get physical says something for him. For even being five hours away, a "player" would have been in her pants. From what I read, he did not do this.

 

Fourth, I am guessing that he does not really consider this an affair. If he did not screw your wife, then many men think of an emotional affair as a close friendship with a little bit of sexy language. He would be surprised that you have been affected as you seem to be.

 

My guess is that you want to talk with him as a way to vent. And when you vent, then you will tear him apart verbally. If you had a chance, then you would physically take him apart.

 

The biggest thing I see different about you (and that is compared to most jilted men here on LS, too) is that you take the correct amount of responsibility for this affair. This is rare.

 

Personally, I think the two of you will do just fine.

Posted
The biggest thing I see different about you (and that is compared to most jilted men here on LS, too) is that you take the correct amount of responsibility for this affair. This is rare.

 

Personally, I think the two of you will do just fine.

 

I want to agree with James here. While there are some fBSs who reach the point where they can look back and see how their behaviour / attitude may have faciliated their WS having an A, that's usually the result of a great deal of time, MC and reflection.After three months, most are either still blaming themselves entirely, blaming the OP, or blaming the CS entirely with no consideration of anything they may have said or done (or thought) that may have contributed to the breakdown. Your attitude says a lot about your maturity and commitment, and like James I think it signals a great deal of hope for the future of your M.

 

Good luck in rebuilding.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks all for the info...what I am getting is pretty much what I already kinda figured anyway...there is no real answer cause there is no real definition of OM...sh--t does happen and often times nothing is planned.

 

I will say to James however that the fact that my "nemesis" didn't make it to the main event with my wife had nothing to do with his good nature and everything to do with her unwillingness to (as appealing as the fantasy sounded) throw away 20 years and all we had (not a lot but ours nonetheless) for a toss in the hay with Don Juan...he was good to go but he was smooth and smart enough to know that she was not a woman who would respond to pressure... what cooked his goose in the end is the fact that he was coming to town and had begun to pressure her in a subtle way to "find a motel room for them". She ended up spilling her guts to me because she couldn't go through with it and didn't trust what may happen if he did show up in town.

Further to that...I spoke to his wife the day after I found out and she assured me that he indeed was a player (she'd been down this road and further in the past) and that contrary to the fable he gave my wife about being divorced but still living under the same roof as his wife (sheeeesh) was, so she thought, still married to and comitted to her.

Lastly, if I had a chance to talk to him...I'm not a physical violence kind of guy; I'm more curious about what got him on my wife's trail...she didn't sniff him out...the whole story in pretty minute detail is on the "infidelity" section under the heading "long story" (and it is)

As for taking the blame...I take all of her's for the thing starting...I wasn't keeping her safe...wasn't being a husband...wasn't fulfilling her needs...if you don't water your garden somebody else might. That said, she did do some hurtful sh--t later on when it became apparent that I was comitted to saving us and she was acting like she was back on board but continued to be involved with OM and let it intensify...guess she needed to fly close enough to the sun to get burned. Berlieve me, though this one act of betrayal may be the biggest single hurtful episode in our marriage all wrongs comitted by me collectively certainly outweigh it's damage value. Again, thanx for the input...it helps.

×
×
  • Create New...