kmeier Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hello all, I'm struggling so much right now. My fiance of one year dumped me days before Thanksgiving. We had been together for 2 and a half years and were engaged last December. She is the only woman I've ever loved. We lived together, and when she first left, I begged and pleaded her to stay. She told me her heart wasn't with me anymore and the love was gone. Needless to say, this ripped my soul out. After 10 days of NC, she wanted to get together to see how I was doing. Foolishly, I agreed. During the meeting, the topic of what we were doing for Christmas came up. She told me that she was going to meet the family of her new boyfriend. I played it cool, but I was devastated to hear this. How could she have a new guy just 2 weeks after we were still together? They must have started before we were through, which crushes me as she was the person I trusted most on this earth. As soon as she left our meeting, I broke down. Now, I fear I have fallen into a deep depression. For the last two years, every thought of the future involved her. I truly believed she was my soul mate. Now I come home to my lonely apartment everyday after work only to rot. I have hope that one day I'll recover, but I just don't see it right now. I trusted her more than anything, and she left me for someone else. How will I ever trust again? This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Someone out there, please give me hope that I will be ok. For those of you who have gone through this, how did you recover? For the two weeks we were NC, I had hope that I could win her back by working on my flaws. Now, I am sickened by the fact that I will never get to repair the relationship that I put so much into. I'm only 24, but the future looks so bleak. Any words would be greatly appreciated.
Surfer Dude Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hey bro, I'm sorry to hear all this. I've been in EXACTLY the same situation as you, so I know how this feels. I was also engaged to a wonderful girl I loved with my whole heart. Future seemed bright, things were going perfect and nothing seemed like it could ever separate us. One day in September, she sent me an email that she needed time to herself and that she couldn't be in this relationship anymore. Just like you, I was broken, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I spent 90% of my free time just walking around my room in sorrow. She immediately jumped into a new relationship just a day or two after we broke up. Now, do you think your ex and my ex started dating because they met someone new and fell in love with them? Think again! These women were seeing their new guys and cheating on us probably for weeks or months before they broke up with us. NOBODY EVER breaks up without a safety net waiting for them, the whole "feelings are gone" story is pure BS and the most disrespectful lie they could ever tell. People would rather stay in a relationship they're not happy in, than break up and be single afterwards, unless they were being abused or something. You gotta accept the fact that your ex was a liar and a cheater, this is the first step towards your healing. Secondly, why do you think she invited you for a talk? To see how you're doing? BS. My ex also wanted to see me 10 days after we broke up, for a reason unknown to me back then. I just assumed she wanted to hang out because she still cared about me. Instead she just wanted to tell me about her new boyfriends, show me their pictures on her facebook and rub it all in my face. Your ex was doing exactly the same thing to you. You don't believe that? Think again, if she really cared about you and wanted to see if you're doing fine, she would be gentle with your feelings and she would never even think of mentioning her new boyfriend to you. She just wanted to rub it in your face bro, as sad as it may be, it's the truth. Some women are like that, sick and twisted. My ex did EXACTLY the same things. You know I'm all broken and you wanna see if I'm doing fine, but you tell me about the chump you cheated me with? Come on, this is sick. Unfortunately I let my ex drag me around for 2 more months and tell me about her rich sex life, until I decided to tell her to f*ck off and leave my life forever. I suggest you start your NC and don't ever break it. These twisted and evil hoes don't deserve to have nice guys in their lives. I know how it feels to be depressed and alone in your apartment, it's sickeningly painful. After the breakup I would just sit at home for hours, loom over wonderful memories and pray to God that she'd come back someday. Now it's been 3 months and I've never been happier, knowing I dodged a bullet with this scumbag. Imagine a woman does something like this to you, lets say 5 years intomarriage with kids already on the way. You don't know how lucky you are, you just avoided a heartless woman who would make your life a living hell. I haven't got a new girlfriend yet (and I'm not in a hurry), but just the thought that an amazing woman is waiting for me somewhere out there is extremely exciting. Don't stop trusting women, there are good ones in this world. See all those happy couples who spent their whole lives together? You could be one of them too, there's nothing you can't have that people have had before, and nowhere you can't be that people have been before. Unfaltering optimism is a great way to get over this without a scar in your heart. Time is the most important factor here though, it heals all wounds. Good luck
allanDR Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Sorry to hear that but life has it's ups and downs. You gotta accept that sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's amazing, and you WILL be happier again, just be honest with yourself at all times. My only suggestion is maintain NC. I broke it on Thanksgiving after not talking to her for months and I regret it. All it did was make me realize how little respect I have for her but it also made me respect myself less. It's really difficult, but just cut her out completely.
Author kmeier Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Thanks for the kind words guys. Surfer, at what point did you start to feel at least a little more like normal again?
allanDR Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I was just thinking about this, and love is basically a game. You bet all these emotions and the more you put in, the more you can potentially get out of it. But also, the more you risk to lose. You could never play at all and stay safe, but regardless of whether in the end you really win and end up with someone you love until you grow old, you'll still be happy that you played the game, even if you lost. I lost bad. I don't know why I started looking at it like this, but I lost really bad in my last relationship. She won. Now it's time to be a ****ing man and accept that everyone hurts yet it always goes away. I still think about her every goddamned day but I also have more and more moments when I'm legitimately happy about my life. It takes months and months, maybe years, but it's a gradual process no matter how you look at it. What would be worse? Feeling the way you are now again or never feeling the way you were when you were happiest with your ex? I hope the latter. I feel like such a prick saying this, but you gotta suck it up. You didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with you. You just gotta slug through it.
Surfer Dude Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Thanks for the kind words guys. Surfer, at what point did you start to feel at least a little more like normal again? I started feeling normal as soon as I kicked my ex of that pedestal where I was keeping her for years. She was my life, my sweet lady, the love of my life. But then I realized I was deceived by her, that I was in love with someone completely different, a person that doesn't exist and probably never existed. When I figured out her true personality, that she's just an immature selfish douche who keeps jumping from one relationship to another every few weeks, I knew I didn't lose anything. It's her loss. It takes several months usually to get through this, provided you do a lot of self work, keep optimist attitude and keep your NC. It's ok and perfectly normal to be depressed after being dumped, but you should put effort into getting yourself out of that cycle of pining and sorrow. I see people who are still pining over their lost loves, even though it's been years since they've been dumped, while their old partners are probably married or been in a bunch of new relationships, just because they don't have the mental strength and determination to put an end to their own suffering and cut the self pity and grief already. If you make it your goal to come out of this mess a healthy and bright person, if you put active effort into this, my guess is that it shouldn't take you longer than a few months to get over this. There will be setbacks believe me, you might remember your ex out of the blue sometimes and you'll feel like crap again, but as long as you're heading in the right general direction, you'll be fine. NC is a life saver here.
TeaAbraham Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I know exactly how you feel meier. 2.5 year relationship. Was totally in love with the girl for at least 4 years. Planned to get married. I can't explain how close we were. She used to cry when I had to leave. I used to cry thinking how someday we would both die and I wouldn't be with her anymore. Ah. All a crock of sh*t in the end, as emperor says. Cheated on, dumped, left for my best friend. And she says she "doesn't hate me." Wonderful, I am so releived. I begged for her back on my hands and knees. Treated her like royalty for weeks while she demanded things of me, told her to go buy her something, told me to get a "thicker skin." Acted like a total b*tch. I dealt with it because I thought I could get ber back by not being angry or upset. And she spent hours on the phone with her new prick every night. These women were seeing their new guys and cheating on us probably for weeks or months before they broke up with us. NOBODY EVER breaks up without a safety net waiting for them, the whole "feelings are gone" story is pure BS and the most disrespectful lie they could ever tell. No doubt. Although I don't think everybody is so shallow, our girls definitely were. It's hard to accept but, that girl who you knew is no more. She had another guy all lined up for her to fall into while you broke down and dealt with it. I know exactly how you feel. I spent an entire week basically just on the couch, doing nothing. Sulking. It is so hard to realize for you right now, but somebody who can do this to you just isn't worth your time. It's hard going through such a 180 degree shift in your life. You had a life, a girl whom you loved deeply and were going to marry. Next second you've got nothing. I lost the two most important people in my life in one night. It sucks, and it's hard. This new life isn't so bad though. There are a million beautiful women out there who aren't total wenches like our ex's were. You've got to take her off that pedestal you've got her on in your minds eye. She not worth it. Just not worth it. Anyway, stick with NC. You've got to accept that you can't win her back. But the beautiful part is, after a while you realize you wouldn't want to. Why spend so much effort trying to win her back when you could spend your effort on another girl, who isn't a f*cker who leaves you for another man? And who doesn't have all of those flaws your ex had. Realize all of those flaws she had. She wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot. I am two months out, and you definitely go through tons of ups and downs, but after a while you just realize how that girl wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth your kind words and thoughtful actions. Am feeling worse today, but am still moving forward. It's a rollercoaster, but there are others here who are going through the exact same thing. Don't worry dude, you'll make it out. Stick to NC though. No point in doing otherwise.
Surfer Dude Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I am two months out, and you definitely go through tons of ups and downs, but after a while you just realize how that girl wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth your kind words and thoughtful actions. Am feeling worse today, but am still moving forward. It's a rollercoaster, but there are others here who are going through the exact same thing. Don't worry dude, you'll make it out. Stick to NC though. No point in doing otherwise. Exactly, it's a rollercoaster, but a rollercoaster ultimately heading upwards Kmeier, you'll be fine, don't worry. You might feel down for a while and it might seem like there is no future for you, but you'll get through this. We've all been there and made it. It's just a matter of time, and until sufficient amount of time passes, you can make it easy on yourself by sticking to NC and being positive. It hurts like hell, you feel like someome is repeatedly stabbing your heart and stomach, but you will endure it. There's always light at the end of the tunnel Stay strong and build mental toughness.
EmperorR Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 been there my man, engaged was with my ex for 3 years, went awaay on a trip cheated on me, came back dumped me a week later with a new man. My ex couldn't even be alone for a damn week, she told me I want to be alone, a week later in a new man's arm. I did Nc at first then i'd go online and she would message me I thought maybe she missed me but nope, just wanted to say how do you know a guy likes you etc. That was funny huh for like 3 weeks I was chasing after a cheater who treated me like dirt when all i did was love her, while she was already with soemone new and couldn't even admit to me. And I'm sorry but the woman you loved and cherish is dead. What you do now is go cold NC, remove her from that pedastool, get rid of the anger inside and let it go. Trust me NC is hard but in teh end it's worth it, took me like 75 days and i feel better than ever. I wondered the same things you did, how can I trust again, how will I get close to anyone like that again, will I ever love again, will i be single depressed for ever. Trust me you will find someone better someone who loves you and won't desert you and run to someone else so quickly. COLD NC, remove the rose coloured "god" glasses that you were viewing your ex from. Trust me it takes a while but every day you don't contact her you feel better, and soon you'll view your relationship from outside eyes and be like wow Thank God it ended. Right now I'm single because I don't believe in rebounds like my ex using people. I know one day I will find someone better than her, because anything is better than a cheat. And use NC to heal not to get your ex back, trust me I did the same did NC thinking it would make her miss me etc., then after a while you realize screw this person, why do I want a cheat, a liar, a betrayer someone who treated me like dirt when I treated them like a queen. We've all been there, when I was dumped and cheated on and my ex was talking about a new guy, I told her I love you so much, I'll always be here waiting for you go date who you want se that no one will treat you better etc., screw that.
Author kmeier Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks for all the support fellas. You know, it's interesting. I try to heed all the advice and knock her off her pedestal. I then can start to remember all these things coming back. She first started becoming distant back in June IMMEDIATELY after she started her new job (the new bf was there already I assume). I tried to support her but she just shut me out. I thought it was the stress of a new job. Now that I look back, it all comes crashing down on me. She wanted his sister to be the photographer at our wedding. OK? Then he wanted to give her guitar lessons. Odd, I thought. For some reason, she kept telling me how good I'd look with a tattoo. Come to find out, he's all tatted up. One day we were play-wrestling and I noticed a bruise on her arm. I asked where it came from, and she said don't worry, one of my friends at work just pinched me. I knew it was him, and I knew they were flirting, but I trusted her SO MUCH that I didn't want to say something and seem jealous, and thought it was no big deal. He once called and I answered the phone. I figured it was business related. Again, I loved and trusted so much, that despite my hunches, I wasn't really concerned. Now, I've been made to look like the fool. God knows how long she was lining him up. The best part is, when I asked why she was leaving, it was because I wasn't making her feel special anymore and she needed some time and space. She gave me a laundry list of the things I did to hurt her. At the time it crushed me that I could hurt her. In no way was I perfect, but looking back, I start to see through her BS. When I asked if there was someone else, she said no way, the last thing she wanted now was another guy. She just wanted to be alone for a while. I respected her decision. I went to a therapist and tried to improve myself, for myself and for her. That's what makes this so hard. Not that she left. Not that she was with him so soon afterward (or during). Those things hurt. But its the fact that deep down, I knew it, but I was so blinded, so trusting, loved her so much, that I thought there was no way my beautiful wife-to-be could be so hurtful. Now Im left alone, deep in despair. Sadly, the only way I feel I can get over this is if I hate her. I don't want to, but the devil is in my head. How could the one person I've ever loved be the one to suck the life out of me? I feel as though she has ruined me. Sorry for ranting guys, I just had to put this all down somewhere.
allanDR Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 It's eerie to hear that that's what's bothering you because I went through the same ****. My ex cheated on me, begged me to take her back while she was living with her new bf and I relented. It turned into me fighting for a girl who cheated on me and was falling in love with someone else. I was so foolish and never had a chance. So believe me, I know that feeling. It isn't the heartbreak that hurts, it's the fact that you were so foolish to cling onto something that clearly wasn't there. That's love dude. It sucks. You'll get over it, we all will. And you know how you will?! You'll find a new girl to fall in love with, and it will completely blindside you. You don't have to hate her. Just try to find things to do, do anything that makes you happy. Make an effort to put yourself in new, strange situations. Happiness is the biggest aphrodisiac there is.
TeaAbraham Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Yea, see. She totally lied to you. The best part is, when I asked why she was leaving, it was because I wasn't making her feel special anymore and she needed some time and space. They can't even be honest with us. You know what mine said? "I need to be alone. I need to find myself. Figure out who I am." Ahahaha. Not even a DAY where she isn't in a relationship. In fact, she was in two at the same time. It's so pathetic it's hilarious. And this, the woman I trusted and loved more than anything. Talk about q mind f*ck. Whoo. I understand. Death is hard to accept. But it's true. That person you loved so much is no more. I didn't want to hate my ex either. Those were the worst days. I blamed myself entirely. She said I did xyz, and she stopped loving me. I just wanted her to love me again. Total BS though. Not true at all. I was liberated the day I said: you know what, she would always be incredibly mean to others, or she would always over-react to things, or she would never want to talk about a problem when we had one, she would just tell me to leave her alone, or she was always lying and deceiving, or she never appreciated the things I did for her. And to top it all off she was f*cking around with another dude, not talking to me about our problems. You don't want to hate that woman you loved, but that woman is dead. It felt bad thinking that the only way I would get over this is by somehow lying to myself. I loved her so much, and what she did caused me so much pain. I thought the only way I wouldn't feel pain would be to lie to myself about the whole sitation. Saying she is a b*tch when really she isn't. NOT TRUE. You're not lying to yourself. You're seeing the truth for the first time in a while, as you have shown by our last post. She wasn't this perfect, caring, open girl. She was playing you for a while. It hurts to realize this, but it's the truth. p.s. rant away. We have all had much much longer self pitying posts than yours, haha. Keep em coming. You really need to sort your head out. It's such a mind f*cking event to all come crashing down at once. You've got to sort out how you're feeling and make some sense out of the whole situation
Surfer Dude Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Sadly, the only way I feel I can get over this is if I hate her. I don't want to, but the devil is in my head. How could the one person I've ever loved be the one to suck the life out of me? I feel as though she has ruined me. Sorry for ranting guys, I just had to put this all down somewhere. It really sucks when you find out that the person you loved is someone else, a selfish person with hidden agenda and who remains in a relationship only as long as it "makes them feel special". I tried begging, pleading, writing letters that I'd change, I thought everything was my fault. But NC opened my eyes and I realized that I was a really good boyfriend (that most girls could only dream of), did everything for her, loved her a lot and yet she was the one who treated me like crap. The only thing I feel now is shame that I acted like such a whiny chump instead of taking it with dignity and starting NC immediately. I hated her for a long time until I realized it's a destructive feeling. I wrote her an email a while back that I forgive her everything, but that we can't be friends. Now I don't feel anger as much as anymore, my day is no longer defined by her, in fact I can even enjoy good memories from time to time. When your ex stops being a point of reference in your life, you'll know you're over her. Remain steady in your NC and don't talk to her.
Author kmeier Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks guys. I feel a bit better today. But tomorrow will have been our 3-year anniversary, so I'm bracing myself for what emotions that will bring.
EmperorR Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Ah be aware your ex may contact you on that day. Mine did sent a stupid text message like that day was still special to her I just deleted it screw bread crumbs. And that's the worst thing being betrayed, he'll my ex blamed me for her cheating, how I wasn't sweet or appreciated. Haha funny I travelled two hours there two hours back 4 times a week for 2 years and not once did she travel to come see me on her own accord. Once your eyes are open And you see your selfish exes for what they really are then you say thank God. My ex was bossy cranky all the time, anything I did wasn't good enough. Always telling me how all of her past bfs used her for sex and money but I'm the only person who treated her good but in her eyes she thinks the grass is greener hah. I can just imagine the lies she's telling to her new bf now, how I cheAted on her or didn't love her. Getting her dirty claws into another innocent man. The only thing I wish I did the moment she told me she cheated I should hve just have a nice life and go total nc. Instead I wallowed around for weeks writing poems saying I would change even though I was the victim. Writing long emails, still helping her out in school, unyill I couldn't take the disrespect Nd just disappered, boy nc was hard always checking my phone email hoping for anything.
Author kmeier Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Soooo, she texted me tonight and I answered like a fool. She first said that she was moving into her new place this week and I didnt respond. A few minutes later, she texted again with "I know you hate me but I'm finally happy." This set me off. I told her that she left me here all alone while she could move on and then she has the nerve to tell me that shes finally happy with someone else? I couldn't let that go. I asked how she could be so cruel as to beat me over the head with her happiness elsewhere. She said "don't blame me for being happy after you said you could have been so much better to me." Its true, I did say this when she was guilting me into thinking everything was my fault, before I found out she had the other guy lined up. I went off on her about how she was a coward to not leave until she had something else set up so she wouldn't have to be alone and how she checked out on us so long ago, but I never stopped loving her. She said that he had been attracted to him for some time, but would never actually cheat because of what that would do to me. She said that it wasn't what I was making it out to be. I said "you don't have to explain yourself. Whats done is done. Sadly, I still love you. Please remember that when you say things that crush me." She finally said "youre right, it is done. I truly wish you only happiness." I said thank you and that was it. Ugghhh. I guess this is why they say don't break NC. I have so many emotions right now I'm just numb. On one hand I feel good that I was able to tell her how I felt about everything. On the other, the "I have to let you know Im finally happy" comment has crushed me. Why did she have to talk to me? Why did she have to set me back? It's going to be a long night
Surfer Dude Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Soooo, she texted me tonight and I answered like a fool. She first said that she was moving into her new place this week and I didnt respond. A few minutes later, she texted again with "I know you hate me but I'm finally happy." This set me off. I told her that she left me here all alone while she could move on and then she has the nerve to tell me that shes finally happy with someone else? I couldn't let that go. I asked how she could be so cruel as to beat me over the head with her happiness elsewhere. She said "don't blame me for being happy after you said you could have been so much better to me." Its true, I did say this when she was guilting me into thinking everything was my fault, before I found out she had the other guy lined up. I went off on her about how she was a coward to not leave until she had something else set up so she wouldn't have to be alone and how she checked out on us so long ago, but I never stopped loving her. She said that he had been attracted to him for some time, but would never actually cheat because of what that would do to me. She said that it wasn't what I was making it out to be. I said "you don't have to explain yourself. Whats done is done. Sadly, I still love you. Please remember that when you say things that crush me." She finally said "youre right, it is done. I truly wish you only happiness." I said thank you and that was it. Ugghhh. I guess this is why they say don't break NC. I have so many emotions right now I'm just numb. On one hand I feel good that I was able to tell her how I felt about everything. On the other, the "I have to let you know Im finally happy" comment has crushed me. Why did she have to talk to me? Why did she have to set me back? It's going to be a long night Man, this is exactly what these dumpers do, your ex did the same thing mine did. It's difficult for these people to just leave you alone and move on, for some reason they want to keep you in their life solely to tell you about their new lovers and rub it in your face. Even though I wanted my ex to leave me alone, she would constantly text me with some bull**** like "I'm finally happy", "My boyfriend is so perfect, this is true love", "I'm so excited right now" and similar crap. Why should we care if they're happy or not? What's wrong with these women? They are trying to alleviate their sense of guilt (or whatever they're trying to do, that's beyond my understanding) in the stupidest way possible. If they ever loved us and had any respect for us, they wouldn't be doing this. My ex also said exactly the same thing "I know you hate me and blame me for everything, but I'm happy now". Who cares woman? You dumped me, leave my life! I was so ticked off by these constant texts, I finally told her to f*ck off and get out of my life. I've been feeling great since then. It's unbelievable how some people have sick and twisted minds.
hades07 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Seems like alot of us guys have been through the same thing which I am glad to hear, I felt like a loser for the way I got on after our break-up and still feel to this day. I'm 24 too, we weren't engaged, would have been but both still in university and were together for nearly 3 years. We broke up 6 months ago, I am doing alot better now but trust me NC is the way to go. We tried being friends, even though she started dating a guy she works with and just met a week before we broke up and still is. It does not work. I did the same things, first when we broke up I begged, pleaded, wrote letters, even hid myself away in the washroom at work and would break down and cry. I was close to her family too and went to her relatives funeral two weeks after us breaking up, she cuddled into me crying and telling me how the best place to be right now would be with me, but then two days later accidently run into her at a bar grinding and dancing with the guy she is with now. These girls are nothing but players and want to keep you on a leash in case what they have now go sour and I feel stupid for ever trying to be friends with her. She has tried to be nice to me, never rubbed it in my face about being with a new guy, tried to keep it a secret, but it does not defeat the fact that as soon as we broke up she would tell me she loves me but didn't try to work on our relationship and just ran off. We broke up over msn because I said I felt distant and agreed with her I felt single because we never seen each other much while my father was in the hospital and I was there everyday instead of being with her. We tried staying friends, talked every day almost, one week she would call maybe once, the next call me everyday. The anxiety, or Kimxiety I like to call it because her name is Kim, would kill me. Hoping to come home from work and see a msn message from her. If not hoping she would call supper time like she did everyday, or maybe she is waiting to call me that night like we used to do. It is not worth it. Two weeks ago I called her after she came over and we hung out, watched movies and ate dinner together and told her I can't talk to her anymore or see her. Maybe, just maybe be friends someday, but not for a long time. She even cried a few times when I told her this and keeps messaging and texting me saying she hopes I feel better soon, she misses me and talking to me, and wants us to start talking again soon and hope we can hang out again. I did break NC two days ago for the first time in two weeks because it was her birthday and she was pissed I never wished her Happy Birthday, but I told her sent her a card in the mail and don't want to hear from her. Did it to be nice but that way don't really have to make contact with her. All the while this has been going on for the last six months, I have went out with three different girls, but I cannot commit to any of them properly because the ex keeps talking to me, and gets jealous of whoever I am with and says things like "You never know what will happen between us down the road, were best friends so there is still a future for us." That is why I am taking the christmas holidays to visit some friends, drink my ass off, have a good time, and spend christmas with my family and get away from her and all the women that I have been associated with lately. Sorry for the rant but I wanted to tell this story to show that going NC with your ex that you were in love with is still the best thing to do. Good chance they are not coming back and it will only make you anxious and on edge all the time and ruin any future relationships you may have. So stick to the NC, it hurts like hell, confuses you, and does all kinds of strange things, but it is by far the best route to go by, if it wasn't you wouldn't see so many ppl on this site talking about how people in recent break-ups should do it. Just wish I heeded that advice as soon as I became single.
Surfer Dude Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Seems like alot of us guys have been through the same thing which I am glad to hear, I felt like a loser for the way I got on after our break-up and still feel to this day. I'm 24 too, we weren't engaged, would have been but both still in university and were together for nearly 3 years. We broke up 6 months ago, I am doing alot better now but trust me NC is the way to go. We tried being friends, even though she started dating a guy she works with and just met a week before we broke up and still is. It does not work. I did the same things, first when we broke up I begged, pleaded, wrote letters, even hid myself away in the washroom at work and would break down and cry. I was close to her family too and went to her relatives funeral two weeks after us breaking up, she cuddled into me crying and telling me how the best place to be right now would be with me, but then two days later accidently run into her at a bar grinding and dancing with the guy she is with now. These girls are nothing but players and want to keep you on a leash in case what they have now go sour and I feel stupid for ever trying to be friends with her. /cut....... By reading all this, I realized that most breakups share exactly the same patterns for some reason, it's uncanny how similarly people act on both sides in every relationship. I would also lock myself in washroom at work, crying, then later writing long letters pleading, begging, saying I'd change and all the crap people normally say. When she finally started being rejected by guys because of her slutting, she would come to me crying and looking for support. As soon as she felt better, she'd keep texting me with crap about her new boyfriends and tell me how she thinks I'm pathetic. When I told her to leave my life and not to contact me again, she was so upset and infuriated, it's almost unbelievable. She actually thought she had the right to dump me, that I would have to take it quietly and be there for her whenever she needed it. These women are obviously players and the most selfish creatures in the world, that's the word that defines them the best. They dump you because they wanna screw other guys, but keep you as the fallback guy in case they get dumped by their new boyfriends. If they're doing fine in their love life, they will abuse you and try to break you mentally with these texts and talks about their boyfriends. Sick and twisted are only words I have for such women.
EmperorR Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 My ex also rubber it in my face how the guy she cheated on me with has his own business and was so experinced. And how he was so sweet because he bought her flowers and drove her around. Wow what a idiot what guy wouldn't be sweet if he was going to screw a woman 3 times and never see her again. And then she ran off to some next guy when she came back he was sweet also according to her because he bought her a donut and made her jello. And then she has the nerve to ask me how I am, these scum disgust me, you already broke my heart don't disrespect me anymore yet they get some kick out of it.
Author kmeier Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 What makes people so cruel? I was not even close to being the perfect fiance, but I truly loved and cared for her more than anyone else ever could. I'm afraid that she will one day see that once she grows up and might try to get in contact with me again. My ego is so shot right now that I'm terrified I'd take her back.
Surfer Dude Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 What makes people so cruel? I was not even close to being the perfect fiance, but I truly loved and cared for her more than anyone else ever could. I'm afraid that she will one day see that once she grows up and might try to get in contact with me again. My ego is so shot right now that I'm terrified I'd take her back. What makes people so cruel? Sometimes people do certain things without meaning harm, but they lack empathy and compassion, so they cannot possibly imagine what other living being feels like when affected by their actions. In other situations, something primitive and primal, you could even say evil, awakes in humans and they get some sick satisfaction from seeing other beings suffer. This has been observed by scientists and psychologists. Example: many people, especially children, will inflict even more pain upon some other being, if that being is already suffering and experiencing pain. So to speak, the greater deal of pain you feel, there's a higher chance that someone might want to inflict even more. As Carl Sagan (RIP) said, this comes from a primitive reptilian part of human brain. And let's face it, most humans haven't evolved to the point where they feel empathy so they can put themselves in another person's shoes, let alone disregard their own selfish needs for the good of another person.
Author kmeier Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 What's sick is that I don't believe this is the real her. For some reason I keep telling myself that the real woman I love is somewhere underneath there, behind all the walls that she has put up to try and push me away. It makes no sense to me.
Surfer Dude Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 What's sick is that I don't believe this is the real her. For some reason I keep telling myself that the real woman I love is somewhere underneath there, behind all the walls that she has put up to try and push me away. It makes no sense to me. What makes you think this isn't the real her, that the girl you used to know was putting up masks and facades in order to hide her true personality. You could interpret it many ways It doesn't really matter though, no amount of rationalizing this will get you anywhere or make you feel better, it's time to stop thinking about her and let go. As long as you are possessed by these compulsive thoughts that make you play back various scenarios and enact alternate events and timelines, you can't truly move on. I've learned many things through my breakup and coping, the most valuable lesson was to never put all of my dreams, hopes and plans for future in only one person or thing. You are the only constant in your life, all other people are variables.
Author kmeier Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Surfer, everything you say is 100% on. I don't want to keep replaying these things. Its just hard when I live in the home we built together, work in the same job I did when things were perfect between us, have the same daily routine. Its like everything is the same except she's no longer part of it. How do you push the memories out?
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