OWoman Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 As a female, I do not understand this "drive" that most men seem to have. So I'm glad you did bring it up. I tend to underestimate sometimes how powerful this drive really is for men Men and women both have it. I think the reason some women don't is because of the Pill. I have had to go onto the Pill from time to time to get my "drive" under control - though luckily I'm with someone now who also wants it all day, every day, and then some. And yes, when the craving speaks, it does skew how you view everything - and BOTH partners need to take this into account.
fral945 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Like - is this drive so strong that if you don't get it from the object of your desire (in your case, your W) - will a substitute do just as well in order to "get the job done"? Do you really prefer to have sex with your W over someone else that you are attracted to, but haven't developed "feelings" or attachments to? I'm single, so take my opinion FWIW, but for me my sex drive is more of a physical urge and not that heavily based on my emotional state. Sure, in a relationship, I always prefer sex with my partner over someone I don't have any feelings or attachment to. When I am frustrated sexually and not getting it enough, though, a lot of times I think any attractive woman would do the job. Though I don't sleep around while in a relationship because most women find that unacceptable (and for the practical reasons, such as STDs), I go with porn as a quick fix (which I wouldn't say most women like but will accept or ignore). When I'm out of a relationship I have used hookers in the past to meet my needs. It seems for women sex drive is much more heavily based on their emotional state and feelings for the man. A lot of times for me it's just a physical release and a great stress reliever. What I'm getting at is, married guys so often complain that their W's aren't taking care of their "needs" (and that's another question I have - is sex really a "need" for a man?). If a W actually did start turning up the heat in the bedroom, like her H wants her to - would it be enough? Would he really be satisfied with that? I can relate to the OP. It's funny to me the number of women that question or deny that sex is not a need for men. If that is the case, why do more men so often complain about a lack of it? If it is not a need then you have to at least acknowledge it is an urge we have far greater than a woman and we go to much greater lengths to get it. Prime example: I've never heard of a woman or seen a post on this board about a woman addicted to porn or hookers. However, read these message boards and you'll find a plethora of women complaining about their husband/BF's problem with porn and/or hookers. If the supply of sex for men met the demand, there would be no need for porn or hookers. But it doesn't. OTOH, even the most average looking of women has an excess supply and of men willing to have sex with her. Supply exceeds demand. If you turned things up in the bedroom, it may or may not make a difference. In the OP's case, I think it would, since he's getting it so little. Some guys will never be satisfied. I realized a few years ago no matter how attractive my girlfriend is, there's always someone more, something new, something different. I could never be fully satisfied sexually with one woman. But I could learn to live with some amount of insatiability if I found a woman that is good enough sexually and meets my other, non-sexual needs for the most part. Just look at Hollywood. Hugh Grant and Charlie Sheen are prime examples of the male need for variety. Two men that had and have access to the most beautiful women around, and they both decided to get hookers. I think most men (especially married men) accept or can learn to accept that there always be left wanting more. You can be satisfied enough sexually, but for most men I think if they are honest they will realize they always want more.
OWoman Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 It seems for women sex drive is much more heavily based on their emotional state and feelings for the man. I suspect that because that's the socially-sanctioned, media-endorsed view, that's what most women are going to claim. However, for at least a significant proportion of us, it's all about the hormones raging and only once that has been sated, about any soppy feelings we might have towards the purveyor of our orgasms...
fral945 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I suspect that because that's the socially-sanctioned, media-endorsed view, that's what most women are going to claim. However, for at least a significant proportion of us, it's all about the hormones raging and only once that has been sated, about any soppy feelings we might have towards the purveyor of our orgasms... That hasn't been my real life experience. I need a lot more exceptions than just you to change my generalization. You can call it a significant portion, but you are still a minority. For most women, there is some other aspect that trumps the pure physical pleasure of sex. For most men, there are other aspects but the physical pleasure is the overriding aspect.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I'll approach this in a mature fashion and from a "shoot from the hip" perspective, pardon the pun. Men are hunters. We like to spear. We like the thrill of the hunt. We like the variety of the game. We enjoy the challenge, the physical exertion, the pure primal instinct of conquering that which challenges every pore of our existence, our most cunning, equal, women. Complete co-existence and pleasure and understanding on another level with another opposite, different, yet completely familiar counterpart. I love my wife and she holds all of those thoughts within me when we are together sexually. She is my everything, my alpha and omega. That being said, it is not hard for men in general to relate physically. We play sports, we slap asses, we yell and shout and punch each other faces to our own chagrin. We are idiots, but we love it. Some of us are cool headed, yet underneath it all, we burn for the hunt and the sensation of total conquest of the opposite sex. There. I said it.
OWoman Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 That hasn't been my real life experience. I need a lot more exceptions than just you to change my generalization. You can call it a significant portion, but you are still a minority. Maybe the women you hang out with are on the Pill, so their natural hormonal responses have been muted. Or maybe they watch too much tv?
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'm single, so take my opinion FWIW, but for me my sex drive is more of a physical urge and not that heavily based on my emotional state. OK, I get that. What I DON'T get is this -- When I'm out of a relationship I have used hookers in the past to meet my needs. It seems for women sex drive is much more heavily based on their emotional state and feelings for the man. A lot of times for me it's just a physical release and a great stress reliever. So if it's "just a physical release" - much like farting or belching - then why are you driven to use a hooker? Why not just scratch the ol' itch with Rosie Palmer and a porn flick? Why is this physical release so important to you guys? Is it completely based on physiology? Or is there something else going on in the brain, something you feel compelled to prove about yourself? Some of us are cool headed, yet underneath it all, we burn for the hunt and the sensation of total conquest of the opposite sex. Oh my! This is a little... scary. I have a theory that's been brewing in the back of my mind about why men get married in the first place - instead of staying single so they can continue to be the "hunter" that you described above. What's the payoff for them? I think men get married so they will have permanently-installed help to overcome their animalistic natures and evolve to a higher level of existence. They KNOW there's something better than the hunt to aspire to... but they don't know how to achieve it without a woman by their side, calming them down, moderating that primal need so that they CAN evolve into something else. Am I WAY off-base here?
Saville Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 That being said, it is not hard for men in general to relate physically. We play sports, we slap asses, we yell and shout and punch each other faces to our own chagrin. We are idiots, but we love it. Some of us are cool headed, yet underneath it all, we burn for the hunt and the sensation of total conquest of the opposite sex. There. I said it. Yes, you did. I think women are physical, too. They hug each other freely, kiss one another, stroke hands in comfort, touch knees, etc. I would say there is a wide spectrum of desires that encompasses us all, and can depend on many things such as: hormone levels, as OW mentioned, upbringing, the mores of society, and the interest of one's partner. Personally, I see a trend toward effeminacy in men. Not all men, but it appears that there are more effeminate men then there used to be. I have nothing whatever to back this up, but I think a certain quality of masculinity is on the wane. Perhaps these things come and go. As a middle-aged man, who had a low libido in his thirties, only to discover a rather wonderful, full one, in my forties, I think...well, it is important what you think. That is: the brain is a rather marvelous motivator for all things, given the right stimulus and environment. Saville
Reggie Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I'm going to make a generalization here. Men want sex more than women. How do you handle this difference as a married couple?I'm not in agreement. Men peak in their teens to twenties. Womne's drive goes up while tha man's goes down. At some point, many women are like teenage boys. It's testosterone based. Nature is weird.
Walk Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 That hasn't been my real life experience. I need a lot more exceptions than just you to change my generalization. You can call it a significant portion, but you are still a minority. For most women, there is some other aspect that trumps the pure physical pleasure of sex. For most men, there are other aspects but the physical pleasure is the overriding aspect. I agree in that a woman's emotional state can have more influence over her sex drive then a man's emotional state would. However, yesterday I ripped my H's head off because we hadn't had sex in over 7 days and I was so horny I was about to beat him to death just so he'd get rigomortis. I finally told him I didn't care what he had to do to get an erection, but I WAS getting sex and that was final. Sexual frustration combined with emotionally frustrated, and poor hubby got the brunt of it. But he seemed happy with the final outcome. I love being a woman. That crap would never work for a man. (Sorry guys. )
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 At some point, many women are like teenage boys. You mean I'm about to start enjoying Ben Stiller movies???? :eek:
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I was so horny I was about to beat him to death just so he'd get rigomortis. But his foreplay would really lack life after that
fral945 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 So if it's "just a physical release" - much like farting or belching - then why are you driven to use a hooker? Why not just scratch the ol' itch with Rosie Palmer and a porn flick? Why is this physical release so important to you guys? Is it completely based on physiology? Or is there something else going on in the brain, something you feel compelled to prove about yourself? I'm not sure even I can fully explain it, but there is something about sex with an actual person that just satisfies a need inside of me that masturbation can't provide. Maybe their is an emotional aspect to it, IDK. Masturbation did work when I was a teenager until I started to become more sexually active. It still works to some extent, but it is extremely difficult for me to go without sex with a woman for long periods of time (long periods of time meaning several weeks or months for me). My reasoning in using a hooker is that we provide each other what we want (i.e., I get sex and she gets money), I get the release I need, and no one's feelings are hurt. IMO, it takes a while to develop meaningful relationships, so I have to have an outlet to satisfy my sexual needs in between relationships. Some guys prefer to jump from relationship to relationship or fling to fling to satisfy their needs. Maybe there are some that can go without it for long periods of time. All I know is there is a sense of well-being and satisfaction when I have sexual intercourse regularly. Much like after a good meal or a good sleep. When I go without it for long periods of time, I am in a constant state of discontent. I am a better and more productive citizen when I am getting laid regularly. It allows me to focus on more important things and doesn't take up most of my thoughts during the day. Food, sleep, and sex are my 3 basic needs. Everything else is negotiable.
OpenBook Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Food, sleep, and sex are my 3 basic needs. Everything else is negotiable. But that's being no more than an animal. Doesn't that embarass you? Isn't there more to life as a human being? Or are you just being a Shock Jock about this?
fral945 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 But that's being no more than an animal. Doesn't that embarass you? Isn't there more to life as a human being? Or are you just being a Shock Jock about this? Not at all. There is much more to life than those 3 needs. I say this because meeting those needs allows me to focus on those other aspects of my life. I have many other passions, interests, and goals in life that I want to pursue and am pursuing. I'm not different than any other human being in that respect. My point is that it is much easier to live a meaningful and purposeful life when you don't have to spend time worrying about your basic needs and desires. In a way, we are all somewhat controlled by our basic needs.
fral945 Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I agree in that a woman's emotional state can have more influence over her sex drive then a man's emotional state would. However, yesterday I ripped my H's head off because we hadn't had sex in over 7 days and I was so horny I was about to beat him to death just so he'd get rigomortis. I finally told him I didn't care what he had to do to get an erection, but I WAS getting sex and that was final. Sexual frustration combined with emotionally frustrated, and poor hubby got the brunt of it. But he seemed happy with the final outcome. I love being a woman. That crap would never work for a man. (Sorry guys. ) Walk, I'm very sorry to hear that. I can relate to your frustrations, I know some of you ladies have them too. If it had been 7 days for me I would have torn down the walls to get some. It doesn't sound like hubby disliked it too much, though. I think the partner with the lower sex drive should compromise and have more sex even if they may not be in the mood. It's not like having sex is a real painful thing for most people, and most people can get in the mood once their initiate contact.
Reggie Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 You mean I'm about to start enjoying Ben Stiller movies???? :eek: Ben Stiller is no substitue for Adam Sandler. Now, that is good, teenage boy stuff. And, you may start heading off to the bathroom with this month's Playboy jammed down your pants(I've merely heard of this practice, mind you.)
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Not at all. There is much more to life than those 3 needs. I say this because meeting those needs allows me to focus on those other aspects of my life. I have many other passions, interests, and goals in life that I want to pursue and am pursuing. I'm not different than any other human being in that respect. My point is that it is much easier to live a meaningful and purposeful life when you don't have to spend time worrying about your basic needs and desires. In a way, we are all somewhat controlled by our basic needs. To paraphrase Maslow, "Basic Needs First!"
OWoman Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Ben Stiller is no substitue for Adam Sandler. Now, that is good, teenage boy stuff. And, you may start heading off to the bathroom with this month's Playboy jammed down your pants(I've merely heard of this practice, mind you.) Adam Sandler???? Ulp! Now I'm in trouble... (And I thought people bought Playboy for the articles )
trubella Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Hm. I think pyroguy has it right - very often, it's a matter of pushing the right buttons. But anyway, here are a couple of threads from the opposite point of view, just to drive home the point that it's not a simple cut-and-dried man-woman thing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169020/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171570/ You said your wife "gave you a look" when you brought it up. Did you only discuss it that one time? How did you bring it up? Was it a back-and-forth discussion, or did she just shut it down? you can also add my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163660/?highlight=women+high+drive dont necessarily agree that men want it more than woman..
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 You may be right. I think a stronger and more accurate analysis is that you have one person in the relationship who is more sexual than the other. You create a dynamic where the sexual individual is constantly seeking more from a partner who is less and less interested due to constant pressure to have sex. This leads to a situation where established roles become the norm in the relationship, with one person being the initiator and the other person taking the role of the unmotivated and pressured participant. I think in all relationships there will be a difference in libido. The real question is how fluid are the two people involved to influence the sexual dynamic by making behavioral changes that can improve the situation for both partners. You also should throw in the equation that some people are not right psychologically or physiologically. They don't have the right pieces in thier mind, hearts, and bodies to perform sex, want sex, or desire sex. I believe there are varying degrees and capacities to which people can perform the physical portion of loving someone. Hormones and other factors also play a big role.
Wicked Smile Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 I have to agree with previous posters. Before you can even think of getting her "in the mood" you have make sure the proper environment and mood over all is set. This means reducing stress and workload on her so she time to think and desire you. Here's a few tips that could help: 1) Give her some massages at the end of the day when everyone is in bed. Heat up some massage oil so she knows you are putting in the extra effort. But don't let it lead to sex. Do it for her. Destressing her. 2) Pick up a few chores on the daily routine that she does around the house. Then make it a point to thank her for the meals or things she does for you and the family. 3) Come home with flowers or chocolates that she likes. 4) compliment her looks and let her know you think she's beautiful and sexy but don't drive the convo to sex. 5) Get a babysitter and take her out to a nice dinner. Let her talk about things and drive the conversation. Do this for a few days without the reward of sex and rekindle her flames for you. She will start to see the effort you are bringing to the relationship and give more back herself. By not tacking on the immediate reward of sex you take away the pressure from her. That these gifts come from love and not the need to just pummel her with your manhood rofl. Try this for a week and see what happens.
polola303 Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I'm not so sure men are alwasy the ones that want more sex, I was in the exact same position as the OP. I always wanted sex and my boyfriend kept denying it, I felt like I was kind of a freak for wanting it so much, I was alwasy so deppressed cause I thought he didn't find me attractive. Thing is I still want it, but now I just don't ask for it... sad really, he has very low sex drive. But I have seen that when I'm very nice to him he will usually initiate things, but I hac¡ve to be sooo patient. I think he uses it to control me too.
highfive Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 You may be right. I think a stronger and more accurate analysis is that you have one person in the relationship who is more sexual than the other. You create a dynamic where the sexual individual is constantly seeking more from a partner who is less and less interested due to constant pressure to have sex. This leads to a situation where established roles become the norm in the relationship, with one person being the initiator and the other person taking the role of the unmotivated and pressured participant. The above statement is very true. Does anyone have any advice on how to improve the dynamic and break out of the established roles?
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