TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I'm going to make a generalization here. Men want sex more than women. How do you handle this difference as a married couple?
pyroguy Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 HMMM, I don't think that's quite accurate. Many or most women are just as sexual, if not more. And, the older they get, the more their sex drive seems to increase. The problem is pushing the right buttons. Since most average husbands are closer to average looking, it takes some work to get women in the mood. You need to be concerned with romance (and mean it), intimacy, and communicating. Just wondering what got done around the house, or what channel the game is on will not do it. Pay attention, spend some time together and make her feel special. On the other hand, women also fail to realize that men want to feel special too-it's not a one way street. This included being romantic (this is not all the man's job), making him feel inportant, and not making him feel he is inferior, professioanlly, intellectually, or physically. Come on to him, and let him know you want him, and that it's not just obligatory marriage sex. If the issues are just chronic sex drive issues, I would visit a doctor or re-think your daily stress.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 I'm concerned because my reactions are affecting my marriage. I'm probably just too self-centered and detached/involved to see the real issues here. She's a busy, loving mom and maybe my sexual needs are just too much extra. Maybe my needs are just ridiculous. I don't know. Letting it stay buried without communicating my concern seemed wrong. Yet, when I discussed it with my wife, she gave me a look and she seem greatly disturbed. Thanks for your input.
jwi71 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I'm concerned because my reactions are affecting my marriage. I'm probably just too self-centered and detached/involved to see the real issues here. She's a busy, loving mom and maybe my sexual needs are just too much extra. Maybe my needs are just ridiculous. I don't know. Letting it stay buried without communicating my concern seemed wrong. Yet, when I discussed it with my wife, she gave me a look and she seem greatly disturbed. Thanks for your input. Wait. Describe busy loving mom. Be specific. What makes you say that? And why do you say your needs (I presume sexual) are ridiculous? Lets go into some detail so we can evaluate and hopefully provide some insight.
serial muse Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hm. I think pyroguy has it right - very often, it's a matter of pushing the right buttons. But anyway, here are a couple of threads from the opposite point of view, just to drive home the point that it's not a simple cut-and-dried man-woman thing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169020/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171570/ You said your wife "gave you a look" when you brought it up. Did you only discuss it that one time? How did you bring it up? Was it a back-and-forth discussion, or did she just shut it down?
Tarantula Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Pyroguy is more experienced . Some women want it more than many guys can. Me - in those SOME:bunny: God bless!
OWoman Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 She's a busy, loving mom and maybe my sexual needs are just too much extra. My guess is that she's suffering "contact overload" from the kids, and so is just looking for time out, while you're looking for intimacy. If it's as simple as that, there are heaps of strategies to address that, which might help. But if it's something deeper - relationship issues, self-esteem or body image issues, health issues or whatever - then addressing the symptom is not going to fix the problem. I'd suggest you reopen the conversation - with a professional, if she's unwilling to go there by herself - to find out what might be behind it, so that you can find a solution that works for both of you.
angie2443 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 She's a busy, loving mom and maybe my sexual needs are just too much extra.. she might just be exhausted and not have enough time away from the home. Does she work? Do you do your share of taking care of the house and kid? I think more information will better help the posters here to help you.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Talking about the lack of sex, is not pushing the right buttons. She feels obligated now. She's repulsed by my desire. She's a nurse at a high stress facility. We share housework, but I think she does a bit more than me. She has gained 10 lbs in the last month. She's always had some minor self-esteem issues about her looks. Pretty typical I guess. Always wanting to be thinner, concerned with her appearance etc. I've gained 10 lbs as well. Not that I'm overweight, I work out 3-5 days a week. It's just that I'm not in top shape. Maybe that's it. Could be our diet I guess. Who knows. There could be a million reasons and problems. My question is what is the solution.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 she might just be exhausted and not have enough time away from the home. Does she work? Do you do your share of taking care of the house and kid? I think more information will better help the posters here to help you. My family was here for T-giving and there was a ton of housework that she was doing while I was entertaining my family. This is a stressful season. I know I'm being a bit needy. I think the real thing about this is, I'm communicating a need rather than addressing that need by action. I'm whining for more sex, while my wife is exhausted. I feel like such an idiot. I guess the few times we've been out and had fun, it felt so good and perfect that I expected/needed sex. Just wrong timing I guess. The Xmas party I went to, women were flirting with me and she noticed. Maybe that has something to do with this. Who knows. I didn't flirt back, but she mentioned it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 If you're having your family over and all the chores fall to her, while trying to balance kids, your needs and your family's entertainment needs, why not get some domestic help for her? If you get someone to help for one day before and the day after, it's not that expensive. I am surprised that you would feel like this, considering the burden placed onto your wife. This is YOUR family she's trying to please.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 TrustInYourself, I didn't see your age range. It might help in the discussion.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 We both did chores. She just did the majority of them. Ok, so I'm being an a-hole by asking. I needed to know that as well. I'm not slacking, well I was a bit when they were in town. But now, I'm on an equal level helping her clean up. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not. From my perspective, I'm sad over sex. Imagine that! I'm late 20s. She's mid 20s. Physically, there should be no problem.
serial muse Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 No, you're not being a jerk for wanting sex or for wanting to talk to your wife about it. But it is a little worrisome when people are trying to get to the bottom of what's going on, and you say that either it's a man-woman thing, or that there could be a million reasons and you just want answers. It's gonna be hard to help if that's how you're looking at it. If she's a nurse - wow, that's one of the most stressful jobs there is. And perhaps on those days that you guys went and had a good time, she was enjoying just having a day of fun without having to satisfy one more person's needs. I'm not saying that's how she should look at it - should isn't the issue. But perhaps she is seeing your sexual needs, the needs of her job, children, your family, etc. etc. as pulling her in multiple directions. And let me tell you - that can be a sexuality-killer. Is it possible to find ways to relax, just the two of you, without needing for it to go further - at least for a little while? It's fair to say, look, I need the physical closeness with you, it's important to me, I want to share that with you. But maybe you need to let go of the whiny a bit and actually acknowledge that those million little reasons might be exactly what you need to try to figure out. That's what you can do for her: Understand the pressures she's feeling and be her partner, too?
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 No, you're not being a jerk for wanting sex or for wanting to talk to your wife about it. But it is a little worrisome when people are trying to get to the bottom of what's going on, and you say that either it's a man-woman thing, or that there could be a million reasons and you just want answers. It's gonna be hard to help if that's how you're looking at it. If she's a nurse - wow, that's one of the most stressful jobs there is. And perhaps on those days that you guys went and had a good time, she was enjoying just having a day of fun without having to satisfy one more person's needs. I'm not saying that's how she should look at it - should isn't the issue. But perhaps she is seeing your sexual needs, the needs of her job, children, your family, etc. etc. as pulling her in multiple directions. And let me tell you - that can be a sexuality-killer. Is it possible to find ways to relax, just the two of you, without needing for it to go further - at least for a little while? It's fair to say, look, I need the physical closeness with you, it's important to me, I want to share that with you. But maybe you need to let go of the whiny a bit and actually acknowledge that those million little reasons might be exactly what you need to try to figure out. That's what you can do for her: Understand the pressures she's feeling and be her partner, too? That's accurate. That doesn't address the raging boner I have when I see her or touch her. I'm just overly sexual and the constant rejection is causing me to react poorly to her. I need constant attention. I'm an attention whore. I'm self-centered. I want sex and I want it now and the more I want it, the less she does. Sooner or later that equation is going to equal trouble. Yet, I bury my own needs and act accordingly. Like a good husband and partner. I am not callous or emotionally retarded. I know my behavior is increasing the problem. So I will focus on the other aspects of our marriage to the fullest. But to not express my need and desire, am I not lying to myself and my marriage? I want sex. Now.
angie2443 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Maybe if you take some of the burden off of her by sharing in the housework and childcare equally she'd have more energy for the fun things that you do together. Also, maybe you shouldn't try to make a big issue of this untill New Year Eve's is over. It sounds like you have a busy and stressful life and the holiday season can make that worse.
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 OP, take positive actions to contribute as much as you can to the family workload. If you see something which needs to be done, just do it. I think you know what I mean. Be efficient. Use that great intellect you have. Next, work to play. Enlist your W's partnership in this. Most nurses I know have high stress careers but they are generally also high energy people and their job gives them a lot of flexibility, especially if they work contract. Make use of that high energy and flexibility and agree to time just for the two of you where the expectation is mutual sexual satisfaction. Take care of the boner she's going to have You both have made lifestyle choices both in career and in family. That's a lot of responsibility. It is also choices you have made. What choices are you going to make tomorrow? Oh, forgot.... give her plenty of non-sexual physical affection. It's OK for you to get turned on from it; let her know that but focus on providing her support and validation for her hard work. You'll get yours later
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Trust, do you think your W is using sex (i.e., rationing it out) in order to manipulate you in some way? Or does she make you feel like a chump for wanting it? Like you're a sick pervert or something? Or, something may simply be screwed up in her head. As a nurse, she has to witness & handle gross physical things all day long at work. I wouldn't be able to work in that profession myself at all, for that reason alone. Perception is everything. Get inside her head, find out what she's really thinking.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I appreciate all the feed back. I am not sure she is using it to manipulate me. Shes a closed book, hard to read, but very responsible, beautiful, loving, etc. She just is stressed, introverted, and modest. She is great in every other aspect. She is working hard on dinner now. I helped, lol. I dont know, I guess I will just relax and not press it. Her comment during our discussion/argument last night was for me to just masturbate (without porn). I am not sure how I feel about that. lol. Thanks again for the advice, I will turn up my responsibilities as a husband, father, housekeeper and offer more non-sexual contact and affection. Good grief, I read my prior posts and I feel a bit ashamed.
Lizzie60 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 From my experience, from friends, etc.. I agree.. men want sex much more than women.. there are still way more men that are cheating.. men are thinking about sex much more than women.. (just think about porn in general: escorts, films, videos, internet, etc., mostly male clientele)...
Kasan Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 We both did chores. She just did the majority of them. Ok, so I'm being an a-hole by asking. I needed to know that as well. I'm not slacking, well I was a bit when they were in town. But now, I'm on an equal level helping her clean up. I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not. From my perspective, I'm sad over sex. Imagine that! I'm late 20s. She's mid 20s. Physically, there should be no problem. I was very surprised to read how young you are. Reading your posts and advice to others, I thought you were older. Didn't you just go on a cruise? How were things then? You have worked so hard to preserve your marriage, are you starting to have doubts? Is she working on her marriage as hard as you are?
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 The only way to 'save' you,Trust,is ....an advice to your wife To exaust you in sex for some time So Much So Much that you dive in work from fear to sex every time she approaches you closer than 2 meters ...Hahahahahaha:cool: ..LOL:bunny: (just a hearty advice to all wives : EXHAUST your nothing seeing and nothing appreciating hubbies in sex ,so that they start to see you doing some other things = nursing hubby+child,cooking,cleaning,washing,working,still having powers left to smiling:mad:) And an advice to Trust : Your wife is a busy loving mom as you say,and I guess from your thread that your kid is small . So, give her The Appreciation and Estimation of what she is doing . There will be else time when she will please you in bed . Just give her some time. She is doing her best .
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Well, I turned on the charm last night and worked hard around the house and she started to be a lot more open, goofy, fun, etc. I just need to chill out sometimes. I can be extremely intense and serious at times, when it comes to what I want and need. When I am like that, I just stress her out. As far as the rest of the evening, I just chilled and focused on being attentive and loving. I took care of the dishes and our daughter and some minor housework. I could just sense that things were thawing between us. It worked out and we had a great evening and she told me as we went to bed, "I'm going to rock your world in the middle of the night!". LOL. She's funny. That's what really makes me happy, is the notion that she's interested in me. I guess with all the rejection, it makes me go into overdrive to seek sexual acceptance and the more I push the more I get rejected. It's like a negative cycle that continues to feed itself. The hardest part is actually realizing what is going on in the dynamic of my relationship, being in it. I had no idea what was going on yesterday, except that I wanted sex badly. I felt driven. It's a difficult feeling to describe, and I feel bad about even bringing all this up. In truth, I have to vent sometimes. Thanks again for your feedback and listening to my rant. Let me know your thoughts on this. And yeah, she rocked my world this morning, lol.
Author TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I was very surprised to read how young you are. Reading your posts and advice to others, I thought you were older. Didn't you just go on a cruise? How were things then? You have worked so hard to preserve your marriage, are you starting to have doubts? Is she working on her marriage as hard as you are? Yeah, I guess all the turmoil and hardship in my life has left me a bit world wise. Not exceptionally wise, but I feel like I know people. That's my passion. We did not go on a cruise, however we have been going out recently as a couple. It's been awhile, due to the birth of our daughter in 2006. Things have been good, some ups and downs. I have had doubts when I feel sorry for my self and reflect on the past. But I believe her actions in the past were warranted by my behavior. I'm on her side and she knows that. I try not to hold the separation against her. It's made our lives better. It's opened my eyes a lot to what marriage really means. It's not easy, but it's rewarding. I appreciate and love her and I feel like it's completely mutual. Which is good.
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Well, I turned on the charm last night and worked hard around the house and she started to be a lot more open, goofy, fun, etc... I just chilled and focused on being attentive and loving. I took care of the dishes and our daughter and some minor housework. I could just sense that things were thawing between us. It worked out and we had a great evening and she told me as we went to bed, "I'm going to rock your world in the middle of the night!"... And yeah, she rocked my world this morning, lol. Applause, Applause!! Your efforts paid off. Good for you!! This is the way it should be. Very heartwarming to read. The hardest part is actually realizing what is going on in the dynamic of my relationship, being in it. I had no idea what was going on yesterday, except that I wanted sex badly. I felt driven. It's a difficult feeling to describe, and I feel bad about even bringing all this up. As a female, I do not understand this "drive" that most men seem to have. So I'm glad you did bring it up. I tend to underestimate sometimes how powerful this drive really is for men, simply because I cannot walk a mile in your moccasins. I hope you and other male posters on here will continue to post about it. Like - is this drive so strong that if you don't get it from the object of your desire (in your case, your W) - will a substitute do just as well in order to "get the job done"? Do you really prefer to have sex with your W over someone else that you are attracted to, but haven't developed "feelings" or attachments to? What I'm getting at is, married guys so often complain that their W's aren't taking care of their "needs" (and that's another question I have - is sex really a "need" for a man?). If a W actually did start turning up the heat in the bedroom, like her H wants her to - would it be enough? Would he really be satisfied with that?
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