The run down...

[danny407]

This is not a topic just for me but for all the seperated spouses out there that need some help dealing with their loss. Please share your advice and help the cause.

 

Questions like:

 

1. How long do you wait for your spouse to think about what she/he wants while getting her/his "space"?

 

2. When do you contact your spouse? Do you call only about the kids?

 

3. What do you do when you have "together" bills? Let her/him continue to pay them?

 

3. What about the joint account? How do you approach this?

 

4. Future goals and dreams talks? If your spouse continues to state they don't know what they want is this acceptable?

 

5. If your spouse dosn't want MC should you do it by yourself knowing it may help nothing but make you broke as hell?

 

6. Sex or no sex? Don't read into it to much?

 

Please look through these difficult questions, you might find that lots of men and women are going through them. Do you have an input that could help lost and confused spouses going through this?

 

I hope this will help people like me just lost in a bad situtation. If you have other question please add them. Thank you.

[BusterBrown]

Thank you so much for posting this. These are the exact same questions I have right now. I'm really looking forward to seeing the answers.

[Benique]

1. Who long do you wait for your spouse to think about wants she/he want while getting her/his "space"?

 

***I guess,'who'='how' though.

So how long?

...and if am annoyed by the MUCHHH time he is taking about his wants,so what can I do ? If I pressure,that would just damage,I guess,so need to wait as long as he needs. ^sighing^

 

2. When do you contact your spouse? Do you call only about the kids?

 

 

***For different reasons.

 

3. What do you do when you have "together" bills? Let her/him continue to pay them?

 

 

***The bills are paid by me by his money only. My own money goes to other needs,never the bills. Bill = man name ,let the guy pay ..lol

 

3. What about the joint account? How do you appoach this?

 

 

***Joint account is a family account,needs to exist,I let all money I earn that enters that joint account Stay there. This is The Money I sacrifice to family needs.

I do earn else much money which does not enter the joint account,but enters my own pocket..lol

 

4. Future goals and dreams talks? If your spouse continues to state they don't know what they want is this acceptable?

 

 

***I hate when a man does not know what he wants! He needs to know(!) at least

 

5. If your spouse dosn't want MC should you do it by yourself knowing it may help nothing but make you broke as hell?

 

 

***MC=?

[Gunny376]

Mind you I'm in a much different place that when I was when I got divorced

 

Questions like:

 

1. How long do you wait for your spouse to think about wants she/he wants while getting her/his "space"?

 

The minute they walk out the door, its over, and there's no coming back.

 

2. When do you contact your spouse? Do you call only about the kids?

 

Little or no contact other than about the children.

 

3. What do you do when you have "together" bills? Let her/him continue to pay them?

 

Same as if they had died, and the burden is solely on you. Otherwise your putting your financial future at risk, which has the potential of impacting your financial life for years and years to come. Assume nothing, expect nothing. If they default or renig on their finacial obligaitions? Sue them!

 

3. What about the joint account? How do you appoach this?

 

Close them!

 

4. Future goals and dreams talks? If your spouse continues to state they don't know what they want is this acceptable?

 

Its over! Move on!

 

5. If your spouse dosn't want MC should you do it by yourself knowing it may help nothing but make you broke as hell?

 

Never hurts to get MC or IC, if you can afford it, and IF you can find the right MC or IC, you may have to shop around for the right one.

 

6. Sex or no sex? Don't read into it to much?

 

I would recomend giving yourself a year or two to get your head and azz wired back together before getting involved with anyone else.

 

The above is based upon my experiences of the last eighteen years.

[Benique]

I am sorry for not reading carefully:o:o:o

 

I did not see the word "separated":o:o:o

 

 

My shame and fault.

 

All I told is about me and my H.whom am married with for 26 years already,and we live together.

[Artu]

but it was fun to read ,Benique;)

[danny407]

First I like to say that for the sex or no sex, it was meant with said spouse. Not with anyone else really.

 

I mean do you really think as soon as spouse leaves it's automaticlly over?

[Geishawhelk]

This is not a topic just for me but for all the seperated spouses out there that need some help dealing with their loss. Please share your advice and help the cause.

 

Questions like:

 

1. How long do you wait for your spouse to think about what she/he wants while getting her/his "space"?

 

You mutually agree on a definitive period, and give them that space with NC. When the time is up, you have a right to call, and start discussion.

If they stall for more time, they're stalling for more time. This is not acceptable, thery're breaking the agreement.

2. When do you contact your spouse? Do you call only about the kids?

If you've agreed to NC, you must agree also to conditions surrounding this issue.

You should also stick to a given time each day, and not let the kids down, or 'use' them to talk to mom or dad....

3. What do you do when you have "together" bills? Let her/him continue to pay them?

Together bills are business.

The issue should be dealt with according to legal parameters. I'm not suggesting you contact a laywer or solicitor immediately, but you need to know about legal rights in this situation.

You have to separate 'legal' from 'emotional'.

3. What about the joint account? How do you approach this?

You divide the funds exactly down the middle, then remove a signatory.

 

This is what I did with my ex.

The instant we knew we were separating, we split it down the middle, and I signed over the account to him, and opened a new one for myself.

 

4. Future goals and dreams talks? If your spouse continues to state they don't know what they want is this acceptable?

No.

The issue has to be dealt with at one point, but if they keep saying "I don't know what I want" the chances are they know exacly what they want. Thy just don't want to verbalise that 'future goals and dreams' don't include you.

Shelve everything and forget it, until you have a definite yes or no.

 

5. If your spouse dosn't want MC should you do it by yourself knowing it may help nothing but make you broke as hell?

That's up to you.

What you do for yourself hinges on what you want for yourself. You can go to IC as much or as little as you want. but whatever you do, you should do it because it's your sole decision.

 

6. Sex or no sex? Don't read into it to much?

I'm perplexed by this question.

If there is a difficulty in the relationship, sex should be the last thing on your minds. It doesn't do anything to fix things, make things better, or help the emotional issues.

 

 

Please look through these difficult questions, you might find that lots of men and women are going through them. Do you have an input that could help lost and confused spouses going through this?

 

I hope this will help people like me just lost in a bad situtation. If you have other question please add them. Thank you.

 

To my mind, the most important thing people HAVE to remember is to separate the practical and legal, from the emotional.

Don't let emotions drive your actions, or govern common sense.

Safeguard your day-to-day well-being, by ensuring the practical is taken care of.

Don't let reproaches, pleading, cajoling, or a loving heart, cloud your decisions.

[Artu]

I am married,

but reading the last question,danny,I can`t realize what you mean?

If the spouse left,how will you have sex with him/her? And what for to have sex with that 'said spouse'if you are separated?

[Woggle]

I am not going through all thos ewuestions but let's just say that if she mentions the word divorce she better mean it because there is no going back at that point. We will immediately begin dividjng up the finaces and there will be no sex.

[Gunny376]

I mean do you really think as soon as spouse leaves it's automaticlly over?

 

For me, myself and I? YES! The minute the second they walk out and turn theIR back on me ~ IT IS SO OVER ~ and there's NO COMING BACK ~ EVER!

In so far as I'm concerned? They're DEAD! No longer among the living. I don't want to ever hear from them about so much as spit! Zilch, nothing, nada!

[LakesideDream]

For me, myself and I? YES! The minute the second they walk out and turn theIR back on me ~ IT IS SO OVER ~ and there's NO COMING BACK ~ EVER!

 

In so far as I'm concerned? They're DEAD! No longer among the living. I don't want to ever hear from them about so much as spit! Zilch, nothing, nada!

 

 

Kinda have strong feelings about Treason Guns? They don't understand that once they betray each successive betrayal becomes easier.

 

I agree with you guns, the only way to stay sane is to adhere to a uniform code.

[Gunny376]

Kinda have strong feelings about Treason Guns? They don't understand that once they betray each successive betrayal becomes easier.

 

I agree with you guns, the only way to stay sane is to adhere to a uniform code.

 

Life is hard, even harder if your stupid! I don't need "weak-minded" people in and around my life. I live a moral, ethical, and by a "Code"

 

Granted I was young, dumb, ignorant, and stupid when I first got married. And, granted the education/church neglected in teaching about what I needed to know about personal finance and interpersonal relationships.

 

Live and learn?

 

Now I know some flakey boad comes along ~ kick her to the curb. Just because someone has a vagina doesn't mean they get a free pass.

[LakesideDream]

Life is hard, even harder if your stupid! I don't need "weak-minded" people in and around my life. I live a moral, ethical, and by a "Code"

 

Granted I was young, dumb, ignorant, and stupid when I first got married. And, granted the education/church neglected in teaching about what I needed to know about personal finance and interpersonal relationships.

 

Live and learn?

 

Now I know some flakey boad comes along ~ kick her to the curb. Just because someone has a vagina doesn't mean they get a free pass.

 

 

Gunny, there is a lot of "society" working here to. Society in general has no Uniform Code. The world is full of "Sky is falling" chickens now. Look at the way that our nation is treating those who are serving now. A Marine can't do his job without consulting a Lawyer in the rear.

 

But what do we really expect? I had Turkey day dinner with a nice family. One of the men there was practically homeless, unemployed, rolling Bugler, (and drinking everything in sight). He was in the Army, 1 Armor. He told me about Army boot. Did you know that the Army issues two stress cards to each recuit? They can pull em out if their instructor is to hard on them! Say it ain't so Gunny.

 

Everyone wants a package of stress cards to deal with life. Bought to much house? Here's a mortgage stress card. To much Car, or Credit Card debt? Here's stress cards for those.

 

The Government is even handing out stress cards to business. Make bad loans, here's a stress card. Can't make the payroll, ditto.

 

A hard rain's gonna fall Gunny. Yes I've been paranoid about it for decades, but damn... it's happening.

[danny407]

The sex was reffered because some people do have sex with their spouse even though they are seperated. I think it is a solid question.

 

What I am finding out in my seperation is that we are still working together for the kids. There is still feelings there. We may work out we may not. We still talk most nights and still have sex oddly enough.

 

I am not ready to throw my wife under the bus yet, which some people would. Just the fact of leaving is hurtful but to go hyper defensive is another thing. One must control their self I think.

 

We have never had an abusive relationship and so even in seperation it is somewhat calm. We have our days. She needs space im currently giving it. I'm sure there will be a breaking point but I don't know when.

[LiveandLearn]

For some of these questions it kinda depends on the situation at hand and the reasons why you separated in the first place. For me, my husband and I separated because he's in love with another woman and wants to be with her. That's a whole 'nother story that I will get into on another post.

 

But for me, I make it a point to not contact him at all, unless it is absolutely necessary. Luckily for us, we don't have any children. Lately, he's the one that makes the effort to contact me.

 

Before we separated, we made sure to pay off any "together" bills we had before he moved out. Our "joint" account was technically HIS account that he just added me to. I'm still on his account and have access to his account, but I cut up the card I had. I stopped contributing money into our "joint" account.

 

Our "we's" became "I's" almost immediately. It definitely hurts. We don't make/haven't made any future plans together. Not even to just go out to dinner.

 

Before we separated and were considering working things out, I had brought up the idea of MC but he was opposed to it. He was pretty much already set that "we" wouldn't work out. I am considering going to counseling for myself, I just haven't acted upon it yet. I'm sure it will help me cope with this whole ordeal that I've been trying to deal with on my own for awhile now. It definitely is not easy.

 

Again, depending on the situation, whether to have sex is up to the person. For myself, when we already knew he was moving out come next month and he already had this other person in his life, I still chose to be intimate w/ my husband in hopes that MAYBE he'll still feel something for me and want to work things out. But in the end, the only person that was hurting was myself, because he still left and nothing changed. Yes, another part of the reason was because I do have needs and I didn't want to go elsewhere to fulfill those needs. So, I wouldn't recommend it, especially if your reasoning is to "win" your spouse's heart back. Being able to be intimate with you is something your spouse should be privileged to only if they plan on sticking around.