Artu Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hello ,everyone. My friend told me about this site and reading threads,I can relate to all she told me with a positive approach indeed. I am 35 years old. I had my first significant love relationship for 5 years with a woman who was older than me by 4 years 10 years ago .. So many numbers ! ..Ok,I shall retell so that it would be more understandable. So , I met her when I was 25,fell in love,so did she.She was 29 and had three kids from her ex marriage. We lived together for 5 years.However I couldn`t marry her as my family (strict by traditions) did not let me do that . But we were happy together for 5 years as there was love,there was full understanding and supporting between us. 5 years ago,when I became 30 years old,my father got ill... it was a bad illness .. My mother started to beg me to marry and bring kids,grandchildren to them,so that my father would be able to see his grandkids before he dies .. BUT not with the woman I lived with! They disliked the idea for me to marry a woman older than me and with three kids .. It was a big fight,it was a big war,but my heart could not let see my father and my mother so sad ... I gave in ... and gave up my love .. I got to know a girl whom I considered to be a good wife for me in future and got married at the age of 31 .. I brought a kid .My parents were so happy .. 30 months ago my dad died . My mother left alone. I forgot to mention that I was the only son ,the only child in the family .. My wife is a good woman,but she is not the one I could love the same way as I used to love and still am in love with 'her'(MY LOVE) ... she is alone still .. bringing up three kids ... I avoid seeing them though my heart is still bursting to see and stroke them .. They were like my family .. and I felt for them more love than I feel to mine own .. I do not know what to do ... Actually I 'destroyed' my family in thoughts and reorganised my family with her,whom I was with for 5 years ....BUT all this happened in thoughts ... Help me with an advice,please .. What to do ? All my heart is with her ... the first ..my love.. my my ... (my mom loves my wife...I love my mom... but I do not love my wife except human love... I love 'her',my love,who is not acceptable by my mom .. I love my little daughter....but I love 'her' three kids as well ...I AM LOST )
Benique Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 It`s hard as you are the only son of your mother.You perhaps will break her heart by making your decision to leave your wife and go to that woman . Does your wife know about them ? And does she has any guesses about your feelings ?
Author Artu Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Yes,my wife knows that i lived with them for five years,but she thinks that it was over when I got married to her . Actually it was really over,but not in my heart. No,she (my wife) cannot guess anything,as she never knew how affectionate I may be when in love. i am moderate to my wife,but never that affectionate as to 'her'(my love).So my wife just cannot compare 'me' with 'me' and cannot see any changes in my attitude to her..I am 'normal' with her ..
Benique Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 You need to analyze and decide yourself,what is more important for you . However,just thinking about your following your heart,I guess,your mother still will see her grandchild,your daughter,and will love her same way . She can also support your wife when she is ex .... if you follow your heart and leave for her,whom you love.
Geishawhelk Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well, I'm going to be very blunt. Your parents used emotional blackmail to compel you to do what they wanted. The minute you give in to emotional blackmail, you give people permission to walk all over you. The fact that you married and gave your dad grandchildren, means absolutely nothing. He still died. It din't save him or make his life longer.... He doesn't see them any more. You need to be brave and reveal what is going on in your heart. Because in actual fact, your emotions haven't changed. But you have made things so much worse by following others instead of following what you felt was right. The central focal point is you. And you are being pulled in different directions. So, you have to really ask yourself what it is that YOU want. Do you believe in your heart of hearts, you can work to transform your marriage into something better, for you, your wife and your family? Are you willing to absolutely put your first love away from you, once and for all? Can you see yourself, in threee years time living a good, helathy, warm and loving family life? Or Do you want to leave all this aside,ánd go back to your first love? Does she want you back? What complications would this cause? Would these complications have happened, if you had stood your ground and stayed with your first love, inspite of your parents' disapproval? You see, how foolish it is to do what others want of us? It complicates our lives, and hurts people. You have to decide what it is you want. Then, do it. But, whatever you decide, be prepared for damage. lots of it.
Author Artu Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Geishawhelk, I see in your answers all those thoughts of mine which i was thinking all through these years of missing her ,whom I love,and wondering how much damage I would make to my wife and my mother now by leaving my family and going back to my first love. Benique, The whole problem is that by leaving my family,my wife may decide (!) to punish me by not letting me and my mother to see my daughter.That will definitely break my mother`s heart as she is all into her grandchild living life with her . Though by court I can make things better,but probably it will take time and lots of nerves, also my wife`s family lives 25oo miles from here,she may decide to move to them and all contact with my daughter will be damaged very badly ...
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