Lizzie60 Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Why do we automatically think that ALL people are gifted to be parents or step-parents.. I don't think he doesn't like your kids.. I think he just doesn't know how to be a good step-father.. no big deal.. Those kids have a father.. they don't need another one.. This guy just need to relax and listen to them.. he doesn't have to 'play' any kind of role.. he can just be their friend... He is awkward with children.. some people are.. there is nothing wrong with that.. we can learn anything.. when we want to. Just give him some tools (maybe some books to read) or maybe he should talk to a good child therapist.. just to get the heck of it.. Only YOU know if this guy is a potentially good step-parent (friend) to your kids.. he will never ever replace the father.. and he shouldn't even be expected to.. Just take it slow.. talk with him about this 'important' issue.. and see what he has to say about it.
norajane Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Date night is different because it is with one child, rather than both. We did talk about how I thought it was important that he get to know the kids one-on-one, which was what I said when I originally proposed the idea. Date night sounds fine, but not the next day after he spent YOUR date night (Saturday) at the movies with all of you. Plus, you're asking him to give up his Sunday night when most people chill out before starting the work week. That's too much kids all in one weekend, especially since he's had limited contact with them prior to this. Plus, he didn't have any alone time with you. AND, he was to have spent Christmas with you and the kids, too...in a couple of days. You've been dating him a year. Why this sudden rush to force them together all at once?
Author sarayanna Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 It's not that things dramatically changed overnight. Yes, I am willing to try all those things if he is. I didn't expect him to fall in love with them. But if he isn't willing to try? That is the issue. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and he doesn't see it as important, perhaps because we don't share the same vision for a future. I think that is why I flew off the handle. I didn't yell or cry or anything, but I just said it doesn't seem to me that we want the same things. I don't think we have a shared vision of the future or one we are willing to work toward. I guess that is what I need to figure out.
Geishawhelk Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I don't think we have a shared vision of the future or one we are willing to work toward. I guess that is what I need to figure out. Seems like you just did...........
norajane Posted December 22, 2008 Posted December 22, 2008 I don't think we have a shared vision of the future or one we are willing to work toward. I guess that is what I need to figure out. Your idea and timetable of what "working toward" your future means may be different from his idea and timetable. As I said, a whole weekend of kids, plus Christmas in a few days is a whole lotta kids all at once, especially when they haven't been used to seeing each other that often, and especially when he isn't getting any time alone with you...he is dating YOU, right? Your expectations of what is do-able and reasonable may not match his. He might not appreciate that suddenly the only time he sees you is with your kids; and I imagine that means no overnights? You have to maintain the romance, too, while he gets to know the kids. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want to get to know your kids and work toward a future with you. It just might take longer than you want and expect, and it might require more carefully apportioned time alone and time with the kids.
Author sarayanna Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Yes, this week it was a lot of time with the kids because of the holiday and the arrangements I made with my ex. I have had them since last Friday and will have them until Wednesday. Normally, this is not the case and I think this has made the timing of this argument especially hard because I wasn't supposed to see him in person independent of the kids until Christmas. As I said earlier, I am meeting him for lunch tomorrow to "talk" and to get from him the gifts I had purchased for the kids and stored at his place. I am not exactly sure how the conversation is going to go. I know we need to get on the same page about what our shared vision was for the future. I guess I will start there.
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