Boyfriend clueless about children

[sarayanna]

Okay, so I am a 31 year old single mother of two children, ages 13 and 7. I am currently dating a 41 year old man with no children. We have been dating just over a year and have a great relationship. I have been divorced about a year and a half. He was married for 10 years (again, no children) and has been divorced about three years.

 

We have an absolutely wonderful relationship overall. We have never said a cross word to one another and have taken the relationship very slow. We had been exclusively dating about 7 months when I introduced him to the children. He is the only guy I have introduced my children to. He has probably been around them maybe a dozen times or so, as he has come to dinner, we have gone out with them a couple of times, etc. No overnights or anything like that.

 

The problem is, it is so obvious to me that he doesn't really care for children and every time we are together with them, it is awkward. He barely interacts with them and can't seem to go home fast enough the times we do spend time with them. We have talked of a future together, but he and I are clear that he would need to be around the kids more for me to decide if it will be a good fit and vice-versa.

 

My kids are great (what parent doesn't say that, right?) but when he is around, they seem to act out, I think largely because he has not made an attempt to talk to them on their level. I noticed it especially when a girlfriend came to have dinner with me and the kids a couple of nights ago and the kids were awesome, largely because (I think) my friend was talking to them and interacting with them. When my boyfriend is here, he mostly just talks to me and doesn't say much even when I initiate conversation intended to be inclusive of the kids.

 

My bf mostly suggests times to get together when I don't have the kids (my ex and I have shared custody) and I prefer that lately because of the awkwardness of when we are all together. I know he loves me and I love him, and I can certainly understand the awkwardness, given that he has no experience being around kids, but I'm not sure how exactly to proceed. My kids are a huge part of my life and I can't help but wonder if I am wasting my time here. I do want to be married someday. I know I need to start by talking to him but I'm not sure what to say.

 

I also know at some point I have to "call it" if necessary and perhaps find someone who either has kids or at least likes kids. I felt like I did it "right" in that we built our relationship before he met the kids and now I feel like we are at a crossroads. I never anticipated dating with children would be such a challenge. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Gremio]

It may be possible that he is very much into you but not into kids at all. Perhaps he is trying to turn a blind eye to them in a way. Obviously your children come first, so if the relationship continues on this path, you already know what you're going to do.

 

I would say to sit down and have a talk with him. Of course neither of you really want to have to deal with it, but it's only going to eat you until there is an end to the road.

[serial muse]

This is a tough one.

 

I have to say, after I got divorced and starting dating again a couple of years ago, I had to decide whether or not I'd consider dating guys with kids. As a woman in my mid-30s, many of the guys who expressed an interest had children, and it was a big question mark for me what to do about it. In the end, I decided I just wasn't ready to deal with that added aspect.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, it's not a trivial thing that he wanted to try. And it's also not surprising that he doesn't have a clue how to go about interacting with them. I sure wouldn't. Makes me freak out a little just thinking about it.

 

So while I understand your problem, and I do think you both need to come up with a way to ease the tension a bit and work on this, I just wanted to start by saying that he's a brave man for wanting to find a way to make it work. Hopefully, you make that clear to him too. It might help to calm his mind a bit about this...I'm sure he also feels a great deal of pressure.

 

How to make it work is another story...lots of people don't know how to interact with kids, and of course the pressure he must feel about it would make it worse. How do you guys talk about this issue together? Are you able to be honest with each other about your fears? Can he talk to you about why he finds it hard to connect with your children without worrying that you'll take it personally?

 

What sort of activities do you all do together? Is it always all four of you? Would it be easier for him to have one-on-one time to get to know them better and discover who they are individually? How much time has he actually spent with them so far?

 

I understand the desire to just avoid the awkwardness by keeping things separated, but as you said, that's not going to ultimately help...I know it's the dream to bring someone in who just fits in smoothly and clicks with the people in your life you most care about, but sadly, that's probably pretty rare. But if you do face it head-on and deal with the unpleasant part of this, you'll figure it out eventually - maybe you'll learn that he's just not right for you, but maybe you will all, together, figure out how to make it work.

 

Wishing you luck!!

[berrieh]

It must be hard dating and being a single Mom!

 

After my parents divorced, I only really met 2 men my Mom dated, and she got re-married in a pretty short time span, meeting my step-father within about a year of the divorce being final.

 

The first guy we only had dinner with once, but she dated for a few months. I didn't really "act out" (I was 9, but sort of precocious...my mother says I was more like a little person than a kid in many ways) but my mother said I was very sarcastic to him and clearly didn't like him that much. She also said a lot of my sarcasm went over his head, and that dinner made her realize she didn't like him as much as she'd thought she had. Good thing, he was a dud.

 

On the other hand, I liked my step-father instantly. He had no kids and was the youngest sibling in his family, so he had virtually no experience with kids either. But we got along right away, and he became like a father to me.

 

Important factor: I didn't dislike the first guy because I wanted my parents to get back together (never wanted them to). If this issue plays into things at all - and sometimes it does - it can be overcome.

 

However, I tell this story, because it's similar to what I hear from a lot of divorced kids. Those who like their step-parents and wound up having healthy dynamics with them liked them immediately. Those who didn't like them at first never grew to like them.

 

I would begin by having a discussion with your children and see why they act out and what they think about this guy. It might not be too late for them to like him...and it might be other factors contributing to their "acting out" especially if you are recently divorced. But I think it begins with the kids and with respecting their opinions. Perhaps this is a strange way of thinking and I was just raised strangely, but I felt as though my mother was "asking my opinion" about a man when she introduced him and that made things between us much smoother because we understood we were in it together. After all, when you date a single mother, you date a family...that is, if you're looking for something serious with her.

 

So, I think a real discussion with the kids is one step that needs to happen and then a real discussion with him. If your boyfriend is not being inclusive of the kids when all 4 of you are together, I'm wary; if it's because he just doesn't know what to do, then having a conversation with him and giving him some tips will help.

 

However, I'm wary that it might be that he really isn't that interested in that part of your life -- and it's a major part of your life. That's something you need to know if you're looking for something more serious. You have to see if it's a comfort-level thing, or if he really just isn't that into your kids.

 

If he can develop an interest in that part of your life, and you can have an honest discussion with the kids which might make them more open to giving him a better chance, then I would suggest doing something fun together, where there's more potential for positive interaction...something like a fun day trip to the beach, zoo, theme park, mini golf, etc. Something the kids would like and see as a fun thing to do. Dinner is well and good, but it can get a little dry and feel sort of "on the spot" - also, it's sort of a family thing, and if you aren't there yet, you really notice it.

[norajane]

I agree with berrieh. Talk to your kids and find out why they act up when he's around. That can make anyone uncomfortable, especially someone who doesn't have much experience with kids. It's hard to interact with kids who are being difficult, and your 13 year old should be old enough to be polite to anyone who comes to the house.

 

It could be they don't like him, or it could be that he's the first bf of yours they've met since the divorce and it bothers them. Or it could be daddy had said some things to them, too, or asked questions that maybe have led them to be wary of any bf you might have.

 

I also agree with serial muse. Be considerate that he at least wants to try - it just may be he really has no clue how to interact with kids and could use some tips about how to talk to them without talking down to them. Talk to him and approach it as, "You know, I didn't realize how awkward it might be to bring a bf round the kids. Let's figure out how to make this easier on everyone. How are you feeling about it?"

 

That way you aren't putting him on the spot as though he's doing something wrong, and neither are your kids - it's just the situation that is making things awkward.

[Trialbyfire]

While your happiness matters, your childrens' happiness matters more. A man who doesn't like or want kids, isn't going to make the best stepfather.

[blind_otter]

He may not like kids. Or, he may just not know how to act around them. You need to talk it out and establish his role in their lives (if any).

 

When I first met my S/O (he has a son who was 7 when we met, he is 11 now) I was awkward around his son. I didn't really know how to act around him. I have nieces and nephews, and am always loving and talkative around them - I just didn't know how to act around him. Also, he did act out a lot around me, so he was not the most pleasant person to be around in general.

 

But as time passed we got closer and worked out the kind of relationship we were to have. I am NOT his mother, but he considers me a sort of "bonus mom", and I consider him a "bonus son". I have to admit, though, our relationship grew closer and deeper after I had my own son.

[Bells]

Okay, so I am a 31 year old single mother of two children, ages 13 and 7. I am currently dating a 41 year old man with no children. We have been dating just over a year and have a great relationship. I have been divorced about a year and a half. He was married for 10 years (again, no children) and has been divorced about three years.

 

We have an absolutely wonderful relationship overall. We have never said a cross word to one another and have taken the relationship very slow. We had been exclusively dating about 7 months when I introduced him to the children. He is the only guy I have introduced my children to. He has probably been around them maybe a dozen times or so, as he has come to dinner, we have gone out with them a couple of times, etc. No overnights or anything like that.

 

The problem is, it is so obvious to me that he doesn't really care for children and every time we are together with them, it is awkward. He barely interacts with them and can't seem to go home fast enough the times we do spend time with them. We have talked of a future together, but he and I are clear that he would need to be around the kids more for me to decide if it will be a good fit and vice-versa.

 

My kids are great (what parent doesn't say that, right?) but when he is around, they seem to act out, I think largely because he has not made an attempt to talk to them on their level. I noticed it especially when a girlfriend came to have dinner with me and the kids a couple of nights ago and the kids were awesome, largely because (I think) my friend was talking to them and interacting with them. When my boyfriend is here, he mostly just talks to me and doesn't say much even when I initiate conversation intended to be inclusive of the kids.

 

My bf mostly suggests times to get together when I don't have the kids (my ex and I have shared custody) and I prefer that lately because of the awkwardness of when we are all together. I know he loves me and I love him, and I can certainly understand the awkwardness, given that he has no experience being around kids, but I'm not sure how exactly to proceed. My kids are a huge part of my life and I can't help but wonder if I am wasting my time here. I do want to be married someday. I know I need to start by talking to him but I'm not sure what to say.

 

I also know at some point I have to "call it" if necessary and perhaps find someone who either has kids or at least likes kids. I felt like I did it "right" in that we built our relationship before he met the kids and now I feel like we are at a crossroads. I never anticipated dating with children would be such a challenge. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

yeah, I think alot of single guys without children (esp in their mid 30's)...you will find them dating single mothers all the time.

 

Why...well, for one, they can't find single women their age without children....not sayingi they are "Settling" but th ey had come to the realization there is a snowballs chance in hell that they'll find a mid 30's/40's womean without kids

 

SO they date them, and enjoy the moment...but tend to "tolerate" the children. I'm a "meh, I can take them or leave them."

 

Because they are mainly focusing on the object of their desire, and obviously the woman, not the kids. As far as they are concerned.....some of them just "put up" with the kids. As far as the boyfriend is concerned.....the kids just don't concern him....but the woman they are dating does....the woman that they are dating is the one that matters.

[Bells]

While your happiness matters, your childrens' happiness matters more. A man who doesn't like or want kids, isn't going to make the best stepfather.

 

 

Heck, there are some guys that don't want to be step father....I think some will date single mothers....but not marry them (That would would involve havinng to share the same roof with the kids)

 

And that can be problematic for some guys who do not have kids themselves.

[serial muse]

yeah, I think alot of single guys without children (esp in their mid 30's)...you will find them dating single mothers all the time.

 

Why...well, for one, they can't find single women their age without children....not sayingi they are "Settling" but th ey had come to the realization there is a snowballs chance in hell that they'll find a mid 30's/40's womean without kids

 

SO they date them, and enjoy the moment...but tend to "tolerate" the children. I'm a "meh, I can take them or leave them."

 

Because they are mainly focusing on the object of their desire, and obviously the woman, not the kids. As far as they are concerned.....some of them just "put up" with the kids. As far as the boyfriend is concerned.....the kids just don't concern him....but the woman they are dating does....the woman that they are dating is the one that matters.

 

Well, I don't know, Bells. I kind of think that's selling a lot of guys pretty short.

 

For one thing, there are plenty of single women with no kids in their 30s/40s, at least in my town; I'm sure it depends on where you are, but in many places men don't need to "settle" for a woman with children if that's not what they want.

 

I mean, I agree that yes, he's there for you, OP - not the kids per se. He's chosen to date you, got to know you, fell in love with you. But maybe he's also perfectly okay (or even happy) with the idea that it's a package deal. And yet...now he's faced with a new wrinkle: he is, as you say, clueless about how to talk to them, what his role is supposed to be, what kids aged 13 and 7 could possibly want to talk about, whether they already kind of hate him because he's taking away your attention...so many possibilities, many of which include the best intentions, but still make it really hard to know how to proceed from here.

 

Norajane brought up a good point - I wonder what role, if any, the kids' father has in this? Or do the kids themselves hope you'll get back together with him? Are they in fact acting out hostilely toward him, or are they just kind of unsure around him, too?

 

It seems like this is a good place for you and him to have an honest, if potentially painful conversation. Maybe he was cool with your family in the abstract, but didn't realize how difficult it'd be once he actually met them. Maybe he just needs some pointers. It's no fun feeling like an interloper. And it's also a good place to have a similar conversation with your kids. Have you talked with your kids about how they're feeling about this new guy in their mom's life? Do they feel like they can talk to you about it?

 

I guess I just want to caution against writing him off simply because this is brand-new territory for him. If he doesn't think he can handle it, he is an adult and should be able to make that call. If you don't think it's the best thing for your kids, then that's your call as a responsible adult. But if it's just a matter of uncomfortableness and you think he's a person that's worth the investment, then maybe give him a fighting chance - help him figure out how to connect with them, try to understand what the existing barriers are, and give him some leeway rather than expecting him to figure it all out and be as instantly comfortable as your friend was with them. That might not happen, but that doesn't mean it can't, over time.

[Trialbyfire]

Heck, there are some guys that don't want to be step father....I think some will date single mothers....but not marry them (That would would involve havinng to share the same roof with the kids)

 

And that can be problematic for some guys who do not have kids themselves.

For the sake of this thread, let's pretend that this guy honestly doesn't want to have commerce with children. If that's the case and she still wants to continue seeing him, she'll have to keep the two separate, like living dual lives, with more time and energy put towards the children.

 

It's not fair to the children to be forced to live with someone who doesn't like them. The children have already had to endure the separation. It's not fair that they need to also be put through another example of a dysfunctional family unit.

[nittygritty]

If it's obvious to you that he doesn't really care for children then your kids have probably sensed this about him as well.

 

Your kids are a big part of who you are and a guy that doesn't like that part of you isn't a guy worth pursuing a long term committed relationship with IMO.

 

There are plenty of divorced single fathers and single men that instinctively know how to interact with someone elses children, that don't view them as an inconvenient irritation.

 

A man that doesn't like kids should be a dealbreaker for you.

[sarayanna]

Thank you to all the replies. I really appreciate everyone's perspectives.

 

I would like to address a couple of things I was perhaps unclear about. The kids "act out" by arguing with eachother and misbehaving in general. They both talk as though they really like my bf when he is not around. They have said many times they wished we would get married.

 

I have thought about it more and I genuinely think he is making an attempt and I do give him credit for that. It is just so awkward. However, it seems to me he is making the attempt because it is requisite, rather than because he actually wants to be around the kids. He did go out of his way to buy birthday and Christmas presents for them, but he is just so awful about even having a conversation with them.

 

I think I am going to talk to the kids, talk to him, and offer the opportunity to get together with the kids one-on-one so he can get to know them individually. I suppose I will know if there seems to be any improvement and if I need to move on eventually. It just sucks because we are the perfect couple otherwise and it sickens me to think that my kids would be viewed as a nuisance, rather than as the awesome little people they are. As I said, I feel like I've done everything right and I'm not sure how to avoid this in the future.

[allina]

It seems like he means well just doesn't know how to act around kids. I'm the same way. On the rare occasion that I have to spend time with a child I get really uncomfortable, I don't know what to do or say so I just do my best to not make eye contact with it. It's not because I want to be mean or hate the child I just don't know what to do.

 

Talk to your bf about it, give him tips on how to interact with the kids.

[berrieh]

it sickens me to think that my kids would be viewed as a nuisance, rather than as the awesome little people they are. As I said, I feel like I've done everything right and I'm not sure how to avoid this in the future.

 

Hopefully, it works out. I think this is the key. I don't think there's any way to avoid it, but I do think the right man will view your kids as the awesome little people they are, as you say.

 

I know I talked about the great relatonship my step-father and I have, and I did like him from Day 1 (but it sounds like your kids like your b/f too!) but that's not to say it was never awkward. It always is when you're getting to know a new potential family member.

 

It's not about doing things right or wrong, though... it's just about finding the right person. The right person will love you and see your kids as a bonus, not a negative. Not to say he's not the right guy - he might just need more time, coaching, and practice.

[norajane]

Thank you to all the replies. I really appreciate everyone's perspectives.

 

I would like to address a couple of things I was perhaps unclear about. The kids "act out" by arguing with eachother and misbehaving in general. They both talk as though they really like my bf when he is not around. They have said many times they wished we would get married.

 

I have thought about it more and I genuinely think he is making an attempt and I do give him credit for that. It is just so awkward. However, it seems to me he is making the attempt because it is requisite, rather than because he actually wants to be around the kids. He did go out of his way to buy birthday and Christmas presents for them, but he is just so awful about even having a conversation with them.

 

I think I am going to talk to the kids, talk to him, and offer the opportunity to get together with the kids one-on-one so he can get to know them individually. I suppose I will know if there seems to be any improvement and if I need to move on eventually. It just sucks because we are the perfect couple otherwise and it sickens me to think that my kids would be viewed as a nuisance, rather than as the awesome little people they are. As I said, I feel like I've done everything right and I'm not sure how to avoid this in the future.

 

So, as someone who is 41 and has no kids, I can tell you that when I'm around my friends' or family's kids, I have many different reactions. I hope you won't be offended, because I don't mean to be offensive, just candid.

 

First, they may be awesome little people, but if they're arguing with each other all the time and misbehaving when I'm around, I'm not likely to see their awesomesomeness. All I see is that they are out of control and not pleasant to be around. I think your idea of separating them so he gets to know them one at a time when they aren't arguing is a fantastic idea.

 

Second, people without children and who aren't around children very often, haven't developed a natural instinct around kids. Unless the kids are easy to be with, it becomes awkward. Just like any other people, some of my friends' kids are chatty and open, and others are quieter, some are sullen, some are uncomfortable around adults, etc., etc. I tend to take my cues from them, and my behavior changes depending on the kid. I find that I don't engage the kids that won't talk, won't answer questions, talk only to their parents, whine, cry, are constantly interrupting, whatever. The more difficult the child, the less I interact, and it's not because I don't like the kid, but it's because I have no idea HOW to interact with the kid without making things worse. Some kids are very easy to be around, and I adore them instantly and they adore me. Some...well, take longer to get to know and appreciate. Again, the one on one thing will really help.

 

Third, he's dating YOU, not the kids. At first, of course the ONLY reason he's interacting with them is because of you. He doesn't have a natural love for your children. And he's not necessarily going to want to be around them because, to him, they are strangers. He didn't choose them as friends. He didn't choose them as children he wants to know and befriend. They just come with the package - you. You are the only one he knows really well. That he's trying and bought them gifts shows that he wants to get to know them, enough to make an effort. But, again, if they're arguing and misbehaving, that's not endearing them to him, so he's kinda stuck. He likes you, and he wants to like the kids, but your kids aren't fun to be around, so why would he WANT to be around them?

 

Finally, do not set this up as a "him vs. the kids" problem. It's not his fault things are awkward, nor is it theirs. They've been thrown together, sink or swim, because you put them in that position. You have to work extra hard to communicate with all of them to help guide them in making things more comfortable for everybody. Be honest and tell him you see that things are awkward, acknowledge that he hasn't been seeing the kids at their best or anywhere near their best, give him some tips on who they are and what they like to talk about, what their interests are, what they are passionate about, what they hate...it will be easier for him to see them as individuals and as people that come from YOU.

 

With the kids, do the same thing. Be honest and tell them you've noticed they fight more around him and misbehave more often, and that's hard on everyone. Ask them what that's about. If they want you guys to be together, maybe they're trying to vie for his attention - that is often what misbehaving is about, right? Remind them that they don't have to impress him, but just be who they normally are.

 

And give it time. Don't give up on a great guy that your kids say they DO like just because it isn't easy at first. There isn't much that is easy about being a single mom, and blending bf's into the family dynamic isn't easy either.

 

Good luck!

[sarayanna]

It really helps me to hear especially from the perspective of those without children. I guess I have it in my head that he should be instantly enamored with the kids if he loves me so much. LOL! I guess we all still hang on to fairy tales from time to time.

 

I guess it is that I really do want to be married again someday, and although I'm not in a hurry, I suppose no one wants to feel like they are wasting their time on something that truly is never going to work, but I guess that's just the ambiguity of life.

 

To be clear, my kids do come first and I would never, ever consider marrying anyone who wasn't as good a fit for them as he is for me. In our discussions, my bf and I have agreed we will never co-habitate unless we are ready for marriage because of the children. I am just beginning to wonder if it will ever be a good fit.

 

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.

[norajane]

It really helps me to hear especially from the perspective of those without children. I guess I have it in my head that he should be instantly enamored with the kids if he loves me so much. LOL! I guess we all still hang on to fairy tales from time to time.

 

Ummm, yes, that IS a fairy tale!!

 

Think of it this way- you've been seeing him for a year. It took that long to develop your relationship and work out your quirks and foibles. You can't expect things to instantly work between them just because you've brought them together. They need time to work things out, too. Fortunately, they have you to help them.

[sarayanna]

Well, I guess I am at a crossroads. I suggested to my BF that he come along with me and each of my children on the next two date nights. The first was to be last night.

 

We were together the night before & took the kids to see a movie. We had a good time overall. The kids weren't perfect by any means and I still noticed the BF was mainly initiating conversation with me, rather than the kids, but it was a good time. At the end of the night, I said, "You are still invited to date night with my son and me tomorrow night." He said, "Yeah, well, I have to work on Monday." I said, "Well, it's not like we are going to be out late or anything like that, but just let me know."

 

The next day, I got nothing. No phone call, no text, etc. I was very upset as the night went on, although my son and I did still manage to have a good time and he was oblivious to my upset and frustration.

 

So at around 9, I called my BF. I told him I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from him. He apologized profusely and told me he thought we had decided not to do it last night. I told him this was very important to me. He is the ONLY one I would invite to participate in date night. He said he didn't realize how important it was to me and he again was sorry. I told him I thought he could "connect the dots" and figure out on his own how important this was without me spelling it out for him.

 

I went on to say I felt this was a symptom of what was really going on - that he loves me, but not the kids and that we ultimately don't want the same things because I want a partner some day and he is content to maintain this relationship on his terms. He and I have a great relationship, but that is not the case when it comes to the kids. I said it was clear to me that he and I want different things and he said, "I don't know what to say." I said if he didn't know what to say, then clearly I was right in that he wasn't saying he wanted what I wanted. I told him date night was special and Christmas was REALLY special and I didn't want him to take part in that with us since it is so obvious we are on completely different pages.

 

I feel like I flew off the handle a bit, but I also feel like if he wanted the same things I did, he WOULD know what to say and would've corrected me.

 

I have to meet him tomorrow "to talk" and to pick up the gifts for my kids that I was storing at his house. We essentially broke up last night.

 

Please weigh in on any thoughts you might have. My gut tells me we want different things and that I would be better off dating someone who likes kids, yet I LOVE him. He has many qualities that are hard to find and I feel like we are on the same page about many "Life" things. It is him that I want, but I am willing to walk away for what is best for the kids.

 

I could really use some advice. Thanks in advance.

[2sure]

After dating this long, at both of your ages...its OK to want (need) to know if you are both on the same page , if you both have a vision of a future together. It OK to want to get married, become a family. Nothing unnatural or wrong with that !!

 

I know first hand that the advice other posters gave you is good. The only way for he and the kids to get used to each other, to develop a relationship..is through practice and time. If your relationship is going to move forward, this will have to be a priority and sometimes even an inconvenient one.

 

If his idea of your relationship does not include marriage or integrated himself with your family...then sadly, thats OK too.

 

You have done everything right, you have waited the right length of time...now you both have to put your cards on the table.

[norajane]

So you gave him a week to suddenly start loving your kids, and you didn't tell him how important this 'date night' is to you but expected him to just know that anyway, and then you got into an argument about your whoooooole relationship....

 

What is date night and how is it different from the previous evening when you all went to the movies together? He was just with all of you and you were asking him to come out again the next night?

 

I thought you were going to give this some time and patience and coaching and clear communication?

[sarayanna]

So you gave him a week to suddenly start loving your kids, and you didn't tell him how important this 'date night' is to you but expected him to just know that anyway, and then you got into an argument about your whoooooole relationship....

 

What is date night and how is it different from the previous evening when you all went to the movies together? He was just with all of you and you were asking him to come out again the next night?

 

I thought you were going to give this some time and patience and coaching and clear communication?

 

 

Date night is different because it is with one child, rather than both. We did talk about how I thought it was important that he get to know the kids one-on-one, which was what I said when I originally proposed the idea.

 

I didn't argue with him about our WHOOOLE relationship. I just said we clearly don't want the same things, so we need to do the right thing.

 

I am patient. It is just obvious to me that he and I are clearly not on the same page - we don't want the same things. He is around the kids in an obligatory fashion, not because he wants to try for a potential future together. I think that is more the root of the issue.

[BentSpine]

If being with your kids is still tiresome at this point, spending an entire night with one kid might not be his idea of unwinding before work on Monday. Perhaps only an hour with the kid, and making sure he has a day off the following day might appear more appealing to him.

 

I don't think you want him, you want your Cinderella fairy tale.

Because otherwise you would remember that the kids already has a father and you would let your BF be YOUR partner only. That is suitable role for him right now, since he isn't more important to you that you to almost call it quits. Expecting him to make you number one in his life is not reasonable when you clearly make him number two, at least in my own selfish view. Besides, living seperately is OK but it doesn't fit with your fairy tale. Things will get better and better in time because the kids grow older which in turn will make conversation flow better.

[sarayanna]

I don't think you want him, you want your Cinderella fairy tale.

Because otherwise you would remember that the kids already has a father and you would let your BF be YOUR partner only. That is suitable role for him right now, since he isn't more important to you that you to almost call it quits. Expecting him to make you number one in his life is not reasonable when you clearly make him number two, at least in my own selfish view. Besides, living seperately is OK but it doesn't fit with your fairy tale. Things will get better and better in time because the kids grow older which in turn will make conversation flow better.

 

 

Hmmm... I don't think that is fair. You are right, my kids don't need a father, but I need a partner. It is not really an option for him to be MY partner only when I have children. We have been dating nearly a year and a half. I deserve to have what I want, which is a life partner and he, in turn, deserves to have what he wants too.

 

If he doesn't want things to progress because of the kids, then he should date someone with no kids. If he doesn't want things to progress because he doesn't want to get married or I simply am not the one, then he should find someone else too.

 

I don't think it is a "fairy tale" and I don't think it is unfair for me to call it if we truly want different things out of the relationship, which it seems we do.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

One thing that sticks out. In 7 months they have met 12 times. That's less than twice a month. Yea, they're awkward.

 

At all meets, or most, the kids are always bickering. Then you give him a couple of one on one dates your kids and want them to have this instant connection. Is this right? On top of that you want him to read your mind.

 

How about just giving them a little more time with each other. Increase the interaction with them. Maybe once a week for a while. Then more if it looks like it's getting better.