Dexter Morgan Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating on you once, was the payback. Wrong. Cheating on you twice was rubbing your nose in it. Really wrong. Cheating on you three times was just a way of him having his fun and disclaiming responsibility. Totally, completely wrong. I agree completely. I would have just divorced. I wonder, would he have cheated if she didn't? Or does she maybe suspect he was cheating prior to finding out about her affair? He's an @$$hole and his crime against your marriage isn't comparable to yours. Though it was a dumb thing for you to do in the first place...... His infidelity is totally cruel, insensitive, callous, heartless and completely unreasonable. Again, I agree. I wouldn't have done what he did. But this is what happens to people that found out they have been cheated on. They go nuts. I went nuts and was in a rage almost every day until I decided to file for divorce. However, I never cheated in revenge. but infidelity does things to people. its good that this marriage will be over. It isn't any good for either of them. You could even serve him with divorce papers, citing his adultery with person or persons unknown. Sure, she could file on grounds of adultery, as could he, but what difference does it make? Nothing except a reason to divorce. She isn't going to gain an upper hand in the divorce because he cheated.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Question for all, and please don't blast me, I'm just wondering.....Do you think sometimes the BS says they will forgive the WS just because they don't want the spouse to be with the OP As an x-BS I think that may be true in some cases. I tried to forgive, and for almost a month she thought that I would be ok in time. But I went through the same fits of anger turned sweetness, and back to anger again. And that part about seeing a cheating scene in a movie and him getting angry again rings too true. But I didn't tell her I wanted to work on it because I didn't want her to be with the OM. I was still in shock. When the shock was over, thats when I told her I wanted her gone. ....I don't want my OP back. I am just wondering why he said he would work on forgiving me, but really had no intention of doing so Again, I think he wanted to try to save his marriage, but the affair was just too strong for him to get over and he was desperate to keep his situation in tact(wife, home, kids, etc.) He should have came to that conclusion earlier, as I did, and just file for divorce instead of revenge cheating.
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2008 Posted December 12, 2008 Two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating on you once, was the payback. Wrong. Cheating on you twice was rubbing your nose in it. Really wrong. Cheating on you three times was just a way of him having his fun and disclaiming responsibility. Totally, completely wrong. He's an @$$hole and his crime against your marriage isn't comparable to yours. Though it was a dumb thing for you to do in the first place...... His infidelity is totally cruel, insensitive, callous, heartless and completely unreasonable. You could even serve him with divorce papers, citing his adultery with person or persons unknown. The fact that he could have divorced you - and didn't - doesn't figure. It's irrelevant. If he'd wantd to do it, he could have done it. He chose to behave like a complete waste of space. Now, you can slap him with it. jerk. This is what I wanted to say. What a jerk, lost. What a jerk he is being to you. You will be better off without him.
Darth Vader Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I have to agree with both Geisha and Lakesidedream. Your H became an utterly ruthless jerk precisely because you had an A. And I believe most M's fail because of them. This is what you have - a failed marriage because of your A. You did bring this upon yourself and in that I have little sympathy. None, to be honest. I DO sympathize and pity you because your H is being a world class ********* - and you DO NOT deserve that. Its time to file for divorce. No need to subject yourself to that ABUSE - and that is what he is doing to you. The marriages that do heal require enormous effort by BOTH parties. Your H isn't working on saving it - he is actively destroying it (and you). So get out for YOU. And as a BS (betrayed spouse), I applaud your honesty in the confession. It was the right thing to do believe it or not. Yes her STBXH is/was a jerk, but, she is also a jerk for her affair, it didn't have to be like this, women can be jerks too, they're just never called on it. However, she doesn't need to take the abuse from her husband, just as her husband doesn't need to take the abuse already done to him. It does look like he's going for revenge, by stepping out, perhaps even for self validation (an, I've still got it) mentality. It's wrong in either case. Somehow though, I keep thinking that he planned what he was going to do, false make up, forgiveness, cheating on her, just to hurt her, but there's no way to confirm that. As someone else said, perhaps he just couldn't forgive in the end. So, he's finding a way out of the marriage.
Author lost4ever Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Hi Darth, nice to hear from you again....and the wisdom!
atwitsend Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Lost, your husband may have desperately wanted to reconcile with you. I believe in this case you both would have been better if you immediately separated. Both went to IC and MC. Then started completely from scratch in a new relationship. He obviously still loves you or he wouldn't still care for you. At this point limbo is all he can offer. Imagine the pull from the contrasting feelings of "I LOVE HER, AND CAN'T BE WITHOUT HER" and "I HATE HER AND CAN'T LOOK AT HER" He is a tortured soul. I have a question to ask. Does he have a gf? Or is he in any other meaningful relationship since he left you? Are you? My point is that if you did happen to start another relationship, It would completely crush him. Because I think he is still in love with you. I think you two were destined to be together (I am a romantic). Yes he hurt you, because he didn't have any other type of coping mechanism. And the only way he could cope is by hurting you with the same tool you used to hurt him. The way he has acted i am surprised he hasn't hurt himself (in a way he has by hurting that which he loved most, you). Are you both still in counseling? You should be. I don't know how you two will end up. I hope after a break and time apart to think you will both realize that you still love each other and "try to love again". Best wishes. And Happy New Year to you both.
65tr6 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Question for all, and please don't blast me, I'm just wondering.....Do you think sometimes the BS says they will forgive the WS just because they don't want the spouse to be with the OP....I don't want my OP back. I am just wondering why he said he would work on forgiving me, but really had no intention of doing so lost, let me speak for myself. When i thought i had forgiven my WW 1) She was in complete remorse - very important to me 2) She was in complete NC 3) I wanted us to move on with recovery 4) no, not for a second did it occur to me that i was doing this because i didnt want my spouse to be with OM - the loser. I am not sure about your husband what his thinking was, but it was very wrong to bring up the affair to prove a point.
65tr6 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 She said that every guy she talked with in this situation regretted the decison to saty with his wife at about the 1-2 year mark. so that's 100% of the cases where BHs regretted staying in the marriage ? That is not very encouraging for me then !
vnqsh2001 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Lost, I think that when a woman cheats, she lowers her value as a woman in society's eyes. Maybe your husband is the only one who knows what you did, but his opinion of you is likely reflected by what he has learned from the society in which you live. In other words, you've lowered your status from an acceptable mate to something below that. That's a tough thing to live with. Men in today's society don't want to be married to "sluts" or "wh0res." We want to be married to "good girls." He probably had a lot of feelings and attachment for you, but the labels he placed upon after you cheated on him wouldn't allow him to see you as a suitable wife anymore. He wanted to stay married to you, but, at the same time, you had become something different in his eyes. In the end, he couldn't deal with that. He had to find a woman with a proper label in order to feel comfortable again.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Also, I think his ensuing infidelity is his way of saying, "You're just a slut. You're not really what a wife should be, so I don't have to do the things a husband should do. I'm free to do what I want because you're just a dirty woman. Nobody cares if you sleep around on a wh0re. Men are the ones with stronger desires anyway." Even though you've stopped having an affair, you haven't raised your status as a wife and a woman in his eyes. It sounds like you never will get the chance. In that case, your only choice is to find a new man and get some fresh respect. I hope you don't screw it up again.
Author lost4ever Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I don't know if he is in a relationship right now...I think we are at a don't ask don't tell type thing. He is having a really hard time with the seperation he comes over a lot he calls all the time, he spent Christmas at my moms house.....This really doesn't make me happy, for one, why does he have the right to drop by whenever he wants, #2, my family went on with Christmas as normal; meaning he was still apart of everything (as did I). After my family Christmas he went to his family, I received no invite and none of them exchanged gifts or called me. and last, I know I am the one that caused the final break up however, at some point doesn't he need to make a decision not to be a baby and decided what he wants in life or does he really need for me to tell him to get lost???? It sounds mean but I am really sick of the oh, i'm so sorry for what I did to you.... Ahhh, never mind I'm just ranting because he came over today dropped off the dog and went to play poker at a friends house and then told me he would be sleeping on my couch tonight....so I'm a little distraught.
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Forgive each other or beat each other to death with baseball bats. Either one would be better then what you are going through. When he said he was going to sleep on the couch. Did you think of saying you don't have to. That doesn't mean you have to have sex. It would be a peace offering. If I had the two of you together I would literally handcuff you both in a hug together and would wager that you would do a lot of talking, crying and maybe just maybe forgiving.
NoIDidn't Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I am not a man, but I disagree with the results of that survey that Reggie mentions. Every man she asked? Every single man regretted it? Somehow I doubt that. But, in my experience, most men regret getting married in the first place within the first two years of the marriage. LOL. Its like when they put on that ring, they become a babe magnet. LOL. But back on topic. Lost, it doesn't sound like your husband has dealt with your infidelity in a healthy way at all. He doesn't know what he wants right now. But if a divorce is what YOU want, you need to steer him in the right direction. Changing the locks might help. His family really doesn't need to disrespect you like I feel they have. And just sitting him down and telling him that separation was his decision too and its time for him to act like it. He can't just tell you that he is going to sleep on your couch. Even if he did used to live there with you. And the other part is you standing up for yourself. Showing remorse does not mean being a doormat. You don't have to take his verbal abuse. He should not be allowed to walk all over you because you cheated once. Stand up for yourself girl. I think he will be talking about possibly reconciling, though (don't hold your breath).
vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I don't know if he is in a relationship right now...I think we are at a don't ask don't tell type thing. He is having a really hard time with the seperation he comes over a lot he calls all the time, he spent Christmas at my moms house.....This really doesn't make me happy, for one, why does he have the right to drop by whenever he wants, #2, my family went on with Christmas as normal; meaning he was still apart of everything (as did I). After my family Christmas he went to his family, I received no invite and none of them exchanged gifts or called me. and last, I know I am the one that caused the final break up however, at some point doesn't he need to make a decision not to be a baby and decided what he wants in life or does he really need for me to tell him to get lost???? It sounds mean but I am really sick of the oh, i'm so sorry for what I did to you.... Ahhh, never mind I'm just ranting because he came over today dropped off the dog and went to play poker at a friends house and then told me he would be sleeping on my couch tonight....so I'm a little distraught. Lost, if you really want to get your relationship back on track, you're going to have to stand up for yourself first. He's obviously lost all respect for you. He's never going to treat you right as long as he disrespects you. You earned a certain amount of respect before you had an affair, that's why he married you. But he feels like you threw that out the window. Now it's gone. You've got to earn it back, otherwise you're never going to be happy around him. One way to start earning his respect is by standing up to him when he starts calling you names or when he thinks he can just do what he wants. I'm not saying you should do that in an angry way, but rather, in a calm reasonable manner. Draw the line and keep him away from you when he crosses it. I think you're probably letting your guilt in this matter punish you more than what it should. It sounds like you both have developed a dependency for one another. That is common in my experience. I disagree when people say that men dislike marriage. In fact, we become quite comfortable with our wives over time. Wives are the only people husbands seem to express real emotions with and they often become our only confidants. We value them a lot and really hate to lose such valuable friends. He probably feels he needs you. But it's the sexual desire that gets us into trouble. We all long for variety and excitement in our sex lives and some people are willing to take any excuse in order to loosen their own moral fiber. You deserve more respect, because you still deserve some happiness in your life. Don't deny yourself that. It would be a waste of a perfectly good life. Go out there and live!
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Ahhh, never mind I'm just ranting because he came over today dropped off the dog and went to play poker at a friends house and then told me he would be sleeping on my couch tonight....so I'm a little distraught. Perhaps it is the friendship/companionship part he is still seeking. Also, I do not believe that he wants you to move on. He may have moved on himself... mostly, however he does not want you to do the same. What is your goal in all of this? What would make you happy?
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