Update

[lost4ever]

Well, I really don't know if my post will help anyone, I guess I just feel like sharing. I cheated on my husband with a mm for a year. I confessed to my husband a year ago and ended it.

 

So my husband wanted to work everything out after a little seperation (about a month) It was hard, I could tell he hated me and he made sure I knew what he thought of me, he would turn from mean to super nice in a matter of minutes. If we were watching tv and someone was cheating (which, happens a lot on tv I realize), he would blow up, it was a long 8 months, then I found out he was cheating on me, we talked it over a little, not much to talk about of course, because anything that he does is because I cheated. A month later we seemed to be doing OK, the fights were fewer, though he still threw the affair in my face a lot it wasn't as much, then found out he was cheating again, and same thing happened, he did it because it was my fault.....and then two weeks ago, I found out he was cheating on me yet again, I asked him what we were going to do and he said we are divorcing, the next day he moved out, said he always thought I was a slut and knew he would never get over the affair...

 

There is my story, don't know if it does anyone any good, but I guess I just wanted to tell everyone that it is really difficult for everyone to get over an affair....don't do it!

[imagine]

Sorry Lost,

 

You did well to 'fess up. You may honestly see no reward in having done this. Nevertheless, its the right thing.

 

The progress that the recovery road took was entirely normal. Viz. Discovery/restoration/triggers/and the 6 month regrets. What your ex did was also wrong. There is no excuse here either.

 

Learn from this, especially about the concept of radical honesty within a marriage.

 

Thank you for your feedback. May both you and xH heal and grow from this terrible ordeal.

[HerHusband]

There is my story, don't know if it does anyone any good, but I guess I just wanted to tell everyone that it is really difficult for everyone to get over an affair....don't do it!

I believe he did the wrong thing.

 

I had a similar experience to what he had, my wife had an affair. I found out about it and forgave her. I have the urge to cheat on her now, but I believe such is wrong and would only widen the gap between us. I am trying to rid myself of such desires, but I know it will take work. I love my wife and hope we are finished with the lying and dishonesty that she brought between us.

 

It sounds like a divorce is the only solution to your situation. It must be difficult. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

So my husband wanted to work everything out after a little seperation (about a month) It was hard, I could tell he hated me and he made sure I knew what he thought of me, he would turn from mean to super nice in a matter of minutes. If we were watching tv and someone was cheating (which, happens a lot on tv I realize), he would blow up, it was a long 8 months, then I found out he was cheating on me, we talked it over a little, not much to talk about of course, because anything that he does is because I cheated. A month later we seemed to be doing OK, the fights were fewer, though he still threw the affair in my face a lot it wasn't as much, then found out he was cheating again, and same thing happened, he did it because it was my fault.....and then two weeks ago, I found out he was cheating on me yet again, I asked him what we were going to do and he said we are divorcing, the next day he moved out, said he always thought I was a slut and knew he would never get over the affair...

You know Lost, an affair is just one of the challenges that a marriage can face - there's also illness, financial hardship, family, etc. Given your husband's flawed and juvenile approach to communication and problem solving, I'm not sure how long your marriage would have lasted under any circumstances. Stay strong and keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Geishawhelk]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Cheating on you once, was the payback. Wrong.

Cheating on you twice was rubbing your nose in it. Really wrong.

Cheating on you three times was just a way of him having his fun and disclaiming responsibility.

Totally, completely wrong.

He's an @$$hole and his crime against your marriage isn't comparable to yours.

Though it was a dumb thing for you to do in the first place......

 

His infidelity is totally cruel, insensitive, callous, heartless and completely unreasonable.

 

You could even serve him with divorce papers, citing his adultery with person or persons unknown. The fact that he could have divorced you - and didn't - doesn't figure.

It's irrelevant. If he'd wantd to do it, he could have done it.

He chose to behave like a complete waste of space.

Now, you can slap him with it.

 

jerk.

[lost4ever]

Thanks to everyone for calling him a jerk....I need it, in a way. To tell you the truth though the affairs don't hurt all that much, I could have gotten over all 3 without thinking twice, what hurts is how much he still throws it in my face, how many times he told me I was a slut, b!tch, and what ever other word he wanted to use at the time. I was very wrong for cheating on him, very wrong, but if he wanted to work things out he shouldn't have been so horrible for so long.

 

Truth is though, I know my husband more then anyone, and I always knew that even if we stayed together he would never let me live it down....ever. It is all just sad, not in a crying my eyes out way....just a sad way.

[imagine]

What is your current situation?

 

Eg. Regrets? Economically? Romantically?

[lost4ever]

Regrets, Tough question, so many....

- I regret having an affair

- I regret not dealing with the problems I was having with my husband before it got to the cheating

- I regret not leaving, before the affair, right after the affair, during the affair...just leaving

- I regret how much I hurt him

- I regret seeing the pain in his eyes

- I regret not having the right words, or doing the right thing to help him heal from this

- I do regret ever telling him

- If I was being really honest I would say I regret trying to get through this, It was cracked for a long time, I took a hammer to it, and then we had a crazy idea that we could glue back together all nice and pretty.....

 

I don't have any regret financially, not to say it will not be difficult.

 

and really, I'm thankful for somethings too......I don't miss him touching me or holding me or kissing me, I don't miss his paycheck, but god knows I miss his big blue eyes and the way he smiles and the sound of his laugh. I feel good that I think he will finally be able to be happy, he hasn't been happy in awhile.....

[lost4ever]

Question for all, and please don't blast me, I'm just wondering.....Do you think sometimes the BS says they will forgive the WS just because they don't want the spouse to be with the OP....I don't want my OP back. I am just wondering why he said he would work on forgiving me, but really had no intention of doing so

[Athena]

Well, before I can give my .02c to that --- Do you think he saw the OM as 'better' than him? Like, younger, more handsome, more successful, better body, etc?

[lost4ever]

I think my H may think the OM has somethin "on him" but in reality and truth the OM doesn't. He is not even close to looking as H, he is older then my husband, he does have a better title, but more successful, no....however I don't think my H ever believed me when I told him that....but yet my husband didn't know anything about my affair partner when I told him and still doesn;t.

[Athena]

Well, in that case, then No -- I don't think your H tried to win you back just to prevent the OM from having you.

 

I do think that men HATE to lose...

 

I do think that sometimes, when people TRY to forgive and forget an affair, they find out over time that they simply cannot.... so it may just be this.

 

However, judging from his actions of revenge affairs, shouting, swearing at you, blaming you, etc... it sounds like he was full of anger... and I guess you might be able to say that if he was soo intent on hurting you, then add 'divorcing you' to his list.

[pelicanpreacher]

At first his possessive instinct kicked in when fear of losing his familiar world overruled his logic. Next, his anger at your betrayal kicked in which aptly describes his vengeful reaction by engaging in infidelities of his own. He hasn't been able to resolve his need to balance his scale of justice because his infidelities have little to do with seeking an emotional connection as you did which leaves him feeling more and more hollow after every iteration of the deed. He repeatedly threw your affair in your face because he's frustrated that he can't walk in your shoes to achieve the same satisfaction you did when you engaged in your affair in comparison to the results of his forays which infuriates him all the more. His immature exit with the expounded vulgarities just proves that he has neither achieved healing nor closure which had to occur first before any real forgiveness could ever be granted.

[Athena]

Good points and well written and explained, Pelican.

[pelicanpreacher]

I was going to make one more grammatical change to the post but you beat me to the punch, LOL. Thanks for the kind ovation btw!

[norajane]

Question for all, and please don't blast me, I'm just wondering.....Do you think sometimes the BS says they will forgive the WS just because they don't want the spouse to be with the OP....I don't want my OP back. I am just wondering why he said he would work on forgiving me, but really had no intention of doing so

 

He may have wanted to work it out. When betrayed, some people feel like their whole world has crumbled and they want to hold onto it and fix it. However, they discover that they just can't get over it, can't get the images of their W or H f*cking somebody else, or loving somebody else, out of their minds. The images haunt them and haunt them constantly and they can't make them go away, no matter how hard their WS tries to make amends and no matter how much they try.

 

I suspect your H thought, just maybe, it would help him get those images out of his head if he cheated on you. Like, nothing else worked, so maybe try that. But, it didn't work. He was still haunted by it. Maybe desperation and then just giving up made him go through the next two affairs. But if he's still calling you slut and whore and whatnot, then he's still tormented by the thought of another man screwing his wife for however long your affair lasted.

[LakesideDream]

Lost4ever, There's still an elephant in the room. You had an affair. Instead of doing what the vast majority of ladies do these days... packing up and walking away, you 'fessed up, confessed.

 

You thought that by making that magnanimous gesture you would set yourself on the path to forgiveness and reconciliation. You didn't count on your husbands reaction.

 

It appears that your husbands opinion of you, his love for you was ruined by your infidelity. His actions may be his way of telling you that he doesen't respect you or want you any longer. He may not even know he feels that way. His response isn't unusual at all.

 

Some men just cannot get over the mental images of the object of their love willingly giving their bodies to another man. Cant reconcile their love's giving their hearts away as well. It taint's their visions forever.

 

Of course his cheating as a part of his response and healing was the wrong thing to do. If he had a little more self respect he might not have done it that way. On his behalf, it's hard to have self respect when you are forced to think about another mans penis penetrating the woman you sleep with at night. That vision can really sting.

 

Time to call it quits. He isn't going to change. Maybe you have, that isn't the point. He is done with the "two of us against the world" kind of forever love you want.

[jwi71]

I have to agree with both Geisha and Lakesidedream.

 

Your H became an utterly ruthless jerk precisely because you had an A. And I believe most M's fail because of them. This is what you have - a failed marriage because of your A.

 

You did bring this upon yourself and in that I have little sympathy. None, to be honest.

 

I DO sympathize and pity you because your H is being a world class ********* - and you DO NOT deserve that.

 

Its time to file for divorce. No need to subject yourself to that ABUSE - and that is what he is doing to you. The marriages that do heal require enormous effort by BOTH parties. Your H isn't working on saving it - he is actively destroying it (and you).

 

So get out for YOU.

 

And as a BS (betrayed spouse), I applaud your honesty in the confession. It was the right thing to do believe it or not.

[lost4ever]

Thanks to all for your comments, really great comments...I guess I will have to chalk it up as lesson learned...somethings just can't be forgiven, focus on myself and hope for the best for him.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thanks to all for your comments, really great comments...I guess I will have to chalk it up as lesson learned...somethings just can't be forgiven, focus on myself and hope for the best for him.

 

And go and sin no more (at least that one)!

[Reggie]

Question for all, and please don't blast me, I'm just wondering.....Do you think sometimes the BS says they will forgive the WS just because they don't want the spouse to be with the OP....I don't want my OP back. I am just wondering why he said he would work on forgiving me, but really had no intention of doing so

 

I've read that, in fact, htis is very common. A women who wrote two books on wmen's infidleiyt, Michelle Langely, surveyed BH's that had stayed in the marriage. I'm not sure of the size of her sampling.

She said that every guy she talked with in this situation regretted the decison to saty with his wife at about the 1-2 year mark.

She hypotesized that the initial desire to reconcile was based on tow factors for men(maybe the same is true for women, but she did not comment on them).

The first was fear driven, the fear of being lone and the unknownThe second was an ingrained sense of competiton, the desire to best the OM.

After these subsided, all the men regretted the decison to give the wife and marriage a second chance. They just could not get past it and be happy and secure.

I'm not sure WS's realize this when they take the leap and cheat, as TV and movies paint a fals picture of the odds of reconciling. The same is true for websites promoting their healing services.

[SRV]

I think my H may think the OM has somethin "on him" but in reality and truth the OM doesn't. He is not even close to looking as H, he is older then my husband, he does have a better title, but more successful, no....however I don't think my H ever believed me when I told him that....but yet my husband didn't know anything about my affair partner when I told him and still doesn;t.

 

Why would you expect him to believe you after you "cheated", "lied" to him for a whole year? Wow!

[HappyAtLast]

many years ago. I never truly forgave her, it definitely affected the way that I looked at her, felt about her, cared about her. I did however, stay in the marriage until my last child left home. She knew how I felt, my children did not. There was no fighting, no unpleasantness.

 

When I look back, I really do not believe that I regret staying with her. My children had happy childhoods and have grown into fine, accomplished adults with happy marriages. This is not to say that this would not have happened had we divorced, one never knows.

[lost4ever]

You don't regret staying with her? Was this because you were happy or because the Kids? My husband (STBX) came over to get some stuff, he first went shopping ( I have a problem with not eating) so he bought food and what ever and then he just stayed....I just wonder, if he cares why does he leave, he if doesn't care, why don't he just go? I hate the limbo

[Dexter Morgan]

I believe he did the wrong thing.

 

If the affair scarred him so bad that he couldn't get over it and even cheated himself because of it, then divorce was absolutely NOT the wrong thing.