Unreliable friends

[strawberryskies]

I've been friends with this girl for nearly 2 yrs. We have heaps of fun together and are really close. Only thing is, she is often incredibly late when I go to meet her (2 hrs is common) and she rarely answers my calls or texts. She seems to come in and out of my life whenever it suits her. I'm so sick of it, I feel like I'm always waiting around for her and she often cancels last minute. I still want to be her friend, I just need advice on how to talk to her about this... I want her to be there for me as much as I am for her. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

[Walk]

I would talk to her about it. Plain and simple. State it pretty much as you did on here. Explain the actions you see, and how they affect you. Stay away from labeling her "unreliable". It has a negative connotation and she'll probably become defensive. Just stick to her actions, and how those make you feel.

 

I'm a bit like the friend you mentioned, and I really wish my friends would flat out tell me when they want me to drop everything to spend time with them. If I don't answer my phone and you really need to talk to me, then say that in the message. Don't hedge around what you want. Just say it. I'm no good with innuendo's or subtlety. I don't know if that's the case with your friend, but like most everything in life.. if you don't say what you want, then you probably won't get it.

 

Don't make her be a mind reader.

[Kamille]

I have a couple of friends like that and I've found that one of the things that work for me is to not rely on them. Basically, I tell them where I'm going to be and invite them to join me there and if they show up great and if they don't not worries.

 

I do think Walk's idea of pointing out when I do need them is great. I'll try it with these friends - because, yes, I have hedged around before and they failed to come through.

[norajane]

You actually wait for her to show up for TWO HOURS?

 

No wonder she thinks she can get away with it. You let her.

 

You can talk until you're blue in the face, but if she's so inconsiderate as to keep you waiting for two hours and then shows up as if it's no big deal, she's not really going to change anything. Basically, she's saying her time is FAR more valuable than and than you, and she's got much more important things to do than actually meet you when she says she will, and that she doesn't care how she inconveniences you.

 

Next time, wait 15 minutes. If she doesn't show up, just leave. Don't call, don't text, don't do anything. Let her be inconvenienced a few times by showing up after you've left and maybe the message will get across that she can't keep treating people like crap and expect them to wait for her.

 

WHY do you want so badly to stay friends with her? Friends don't treat each other like that, not the good kind of friends.

[norajane]

I'm a bit like the friend you mentioned, and I really wish my friends would flat out tell me when they want me to drop everything to spend time with them.

 

Isn't that the point of making plans to meet at a certain place and time?

[You'reasian]

I've been friends with this girl for nearly 2 yrs. We have heaps of fun together and are really close. Only thing is, she is often incredibly late when I go to meet her (2 hrs is common) and she rarely answers my calls or texts. She seems to come in and out of my life whenever it suits her. I'm so sick of it, I feel like I'm always waiting around for her and she often cancels last minute. I still want to be her friend, I just need advice on how to talk to her about this... I want her to be there for me as much as I am for her. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

 

Is this a cultural thing for her? Is she South American or Italian? I know that being fashionably late in their cultures sometimes means being there at T + 2hrs.

 

Perhaps she is trying to make her self less available and seem more valuable?

 

or maybe she just doesn't care.

 

Either way you should talk to her about her constant tardiness and how important your time is.

[Trialbyfire]

WHY do you want so badly to stay friends with her? Friends don't treat each other like that, not the good kind of friends.

Are you listening OP? Why be friends with someone who believes their time is more valuable than you are? There's no excuse for outright rudeness or a lack of respect.

[norajane]

Is this a cultural thing for her? Is she South American or Italian? I know that being fashionably late in their cultures sometimes means being there at T + 2hrs.

 

If that's the case, then when you want to meet at 8pm, tell her the plan is to meet at 6pm, and just don't go there yourself until 8pm. That way, you'll both show up at the same time.