Dexter Morgan Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I believe she returned to work on the marriage. She returned to me while the OM was still going ahead with everything. She ended it and returned leaving him hanging. Well, everyone here knows that I typically always advice divorce, and really, I still do. But if you were wanting to work it out and she came back on her own, then I'd say make your decision wisely. But if you wanted to work it out and she only came back because she was dumped, I'd say get rid of her. It is curiosity for the most part. My wife and I talk about this now, and I believe that it will be a fading desire. I do not believe that curiosity is sufficient excuse to end a marriage over. No, but her infidelity is. But you told her you have the desire to cheat? What did she say to that? No, her decisions and activities have forever changed our marriage. Nothing I have done has done this. Exactly, therefore she better have a plan to kiss your ass something fierce in return for your willingness to forgive something that alot of people would deem unforgivable. She better take this chance and run with it.
In Like Flynn Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Does the OM's wife know about what happen?
Dexter Morgan Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Does the OM's wife know about what happen? Dunno, but she needs to know. He should be contacting her. And if his wife gets mad at him for contacting her, then its obvious she wants to protect the other man.
Darth Vader Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I recently learned that my wife has been unfaithful. She was going to leave me for him, but has returned and appears committed to working through this in our marriage. I am fully committed to her and our marriage, but I keep having the desire to sleep with someone else. It isn't an attempt at vindictive reciprocity, but it is instead grounded in the fact that I have only ever slept with my wife, having been a virgin prior to dating my wife, and feel a sense of the infidelity being unfair in this regard. She had slept with men prior to myself, and now she has added another. I on the other hand have never had such experience and even though I am committed to my marriage I keep having this unwanted desire. I will never cheat on my wife, such is not an option for me. Does anyone know a method for ridding myself of this desire? Any help would be appreciated. Honestly, have you ever thought about Divorcing your wife? You deserve so much better than your wife.
Darth Vader Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 -- bring them out into the cold hard light of day by sharing your thoughts with your wife.... I think that will do two things; 1) rid you of the desire (because affairs/cheating can only succeed in secret), and 2) still have the BIG effect on your wife, which I think ... is what caused you to want to do that in the first place (?) I think I see where you're going with this. To the poster, you could say to your wife: "look what your cheating has done to me." concerning your interest in desiring to cheat on her, in some sick way, it's true. That's why I suggested Divorce earlier.
Bryanp Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You absolutely need to expose to the OM's wife and your wife need to be tested for STD's. This has to be so hard for you. She not only had a sexual affair but feel in love with another man and was willing in the short term to leave him for you. What gave her inner persission to engage in such activities? I am sorry to ask but you do you really know your wife at all? I wish you luck.
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I think I see where you're going with this. To the poster, you could say to your wife: "look what your cheating has done to me." concerning your interest in desiring to cheat on her, in some sick way, it's true. That's why I suggested Divorce earlier. In saying this, you've taken the same route as the cheater, when they throw blame every-which-way for their cheating. Each person is responsible for their own actions. "It's all your fault why I've cheated." But I do like the idea that you lay your desire to cheat on the table. It will be a reality check for your cheating spouse.
Darth Vader Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I think I am working through the desires. They have lessened severely over the past day or so. Today is a big day. It is the first day that her and the OM have the opportunity to be together or talk to each other if they wish. I am hoping that she remains faithful and committed to our relationship, but only time will tell. You're testing her............. Hmmmmmm.
Darth Vader Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Dunno, but she needs to know. He should be contacting her. And if his wife gets mad at him for contacting her, then its obvious she wants to protect the other man. Very good point.
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You DO realize that this OP poster hasn't responded since Dec 8th, right?
reservoirdog1 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You DO realize that this OP poster hasn't responded since Dec 8th, right? Doesn't really matter, I don't think. Replying to posts on LS can benefit people other than the OP. I know it's helped me in the past. If you were seriously committed to making your marriage work, this wouldn't even be a consideration now. I completely disagree with this. It's pretty normal for the betrayed spouse to have thoughts of sleeping with somebody else, for a number of different reasons. As you said, he's going through a mess of thoughts and emotions, and this is one of them. My situation was similar; XW was my first and only until we split up. She'd been with others before me, and I knew that. Never bothered me though. Thoughts of sleeping with others crossed my mind as well, after the bomb dropped. A lot of it was out of a desire to "even the score", or to cause her even a fraction of the emotional pain she'd caused me. But that's all they were -- thoughts. I didn't act on them. After XW called an end to our two month attempt at reconciliation (which had only happened at all because I wanted it), we started a one-month transition into separation. I got XW to agree that, though we were separating, neither of us would date or sleep with others while we were still living under the same roof. I don't know if she adhered to that or not, but I did. The night before I was to move out, I went to a party. Long story short, I met up with a woman there and would have slept with her, were it not for the agreement I'd made with XW. Instead, I moved out the next day, and that night, the woman came over and we slept together. Yes, this happened really fast. But the way I handled it did me a world of good. I was able to walk out of the marriage knowing I'd been faithful right to the very end, and that I'd honoured my commitments to XW. Sleeping with somebody else that very night felt righteous. I felt empowered and alive. Finding out about XW's serial cheating had been, among other things, emasculating. Knowing that I had it within me to find others was a shot in the arm when I needed it most. My advice to you, HH, is to not act on your impulses. If your reconciliation doesn't work, you can leave the marriage with your head held high. Much better than leaving it knowing that you helped contribute to its death.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 It is curiosity for the most part. My wife and I talk about this now, and I believe that it will be a fading desire. I do not believe that curiosity is sufficient excuse to end a marriage over. What did your wife say when you told her that because of what she did you now have the desire to get your juke on with another woman? Hope it stung her like hell. And you are right, the curiosity may not be enough to end a marriage over. But her letting another man put his member inside of her is. I do not believe there is much that is worth ending a marriage over. If a spouse getting banged by someone else isn't worth ending a marriage over, then nothing is. hence, there would be NO good reason to get divorced if that is true. If such was my desire, I wouldn't be here. I am here so I have a soundingboard and can view other opinions. There must be options and methods for dealing with this type of thing, I do not believe that there is no solution. divorce is a solution. but if the outcome is to keep a cheating wife, then good luck with that. There are plenty of solutions out there for that outcome. All you would have to do is "get over it", like many would suggest, suck it up and just realize that you are with someone that had sex with someone else outside your marriage. so if you are hell bent on staying with her, then maybe you would just need to get over it and move on. or maybe you would need to go ahead and even the score if you felt the need. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in that situation of choosing to put up with being married to a cheater, or going out and evening the score.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Today is a big day. It is the first day that her and the OM have the opportunity to be together or talk to each other if they wish. Uh, why are they even afforded that opportunity in the first place??? They should be absolute and strict no contact.....PERIOD. Unless she could care less about whether she is disrespecting you and isn't committed to making the marriage work. Because there is no way the marriage will move on if she is allowed to keep seeing this guy, whether something happens between them or not. I am hoping that she remains faithful and committed to our relationship, but only time will tell. If she is allowed to see this guy, I can tell you that she won't be faithful. By not laying down the law about NC, you might as well have given her a condom and say, "if you are going to do it, at least be safe".
Dexter Morgan Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You DO realize that this OP poster hasn't responded since Dec 8th, right? Hopefully its because he is too busy in meetings with a divorce attorney.
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