HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I recently learned that my wife has been unfaithful. She was going to leave me for him, but has returned and appears committed to working through this in our marriage. I am fully committed to her and our marriage, but I keep having the desire to sleep with someone else. It isn't an attempt at vindictive reciprocity, but it is instead grounded in the fact that I have only ever slept with my wife, having been a virgin prior to dating my wife, and feel a sense of the infidelity being unfair in this regard. She had slept with men prior to myself, and now she has added another. I on the other hand have never had such experience and even though I am committed to my marriage I keep having this unwanted desire. I will never cheat on my wife, such is not an option for me. Does anyone know a method for ridding myself of this desire? Any help would be appreciated.
2sure Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 While our circumstances and level of experience differ greatly, I can tell you this: After discovering my H's infidelity, one of the thoughts I was left with was - What is it like (infidelity). I wondered if it would make me feel better,not for revenge, but boost my bruised ego. So, I met an "old friend". While having drinks prior to anything else - I felt awful. Sick. When he kissed me, I knew there was NO way. So, I don't know if it helps or not but: Doing it will make you feel worse about yourself. If its the experience thing thats bugging you...well, its not all its cracked up to be. I certainly dont regret my vast ( lol) experience - but piece of mind and integrity surpass it in value by far.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Go to counselling and talk this out otherwise the resentment will build up and one day out of spite you very well MIGHT consider sleeping with some other woman. I do hope though, that you and your wife are seeking marriage counselling...And I also hope this OM is completely OUT of the picture.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Yeah, I understand that. Yet the desire exists outside of my rational self. I understand the consequences, but the desire is still in the back of my mind.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Go to counselling and talk this out otherwise the resentment will build up and one day out of spite you very well MIGHT consider sleeping with some other woman. I do hope though, that you and your wife are seeking marriage counselling...And I also hope this OM is completely OUT of the picture. We are, and I hope he is out of the picture as well. Yet, if she cheats again, it just shows that we are finished. I am not paranoid, she will make her decision fully known through her actions from here on out.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 You are in control, not your desires! Remember that! Do you have access to her email, cell, instant messages? If not, you should. You should be able to check up on her whenever you want to make sure she's being honest with you and not sneaking off to talk to him and keep an emotional thing going on with him.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 You are in control, not your desires! Remember that! Do you have access to her email, cell, instant messages? If not, you should. You should be able to check up on her whenever you want to make sure she's being honest with you and not sneaking off to talk to him and keep an emotional thing going on with him. I don't want to be that way. If I can't trust her I do not wish to be with her. I will give her her freedom and take what happens as evidence of her position towards our marriage. I can show her my love and my respect, but I cannot control her. If she is sneaking off, so be it, I will hurt and move on. If she is not sneaking off, I will be happy and in love. I work with addicts in my career. I believe that the serenity prayer is apropos at the moment. "Accept the things I cannot change; Change the things I can" I know that I control my actions, I simply do not want those desires present. There must be some means of alleviating these feelings.
Athena Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 -- bring them out into the cold hard light of day by sharing your thoughts with your wife.... I think that will do two things; 1) rid you of the desire (because affairs/cheating can only succeed in secret), and 2) still have the BIG effect on your wife, which I think ... is what caused you to want to do that in the first place (?)
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 -- bring them out into the cold hard light of day by sharing your thoughts with your wife.... I think that will do two things; 1) rid you of the desire (because affairs/cheating can only succeed in secret), and 2) still have the BIG effect on your wife, which I think ... is what caused you to want to do that in the first place (?) I've thought it might be a subconscious desire to hurt her as well. We have talked about it, but the desire hasn't gone away yet
Athena Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hey, if it helps any, my husband had been married before (and cheated several times then) and I was a virgin prior to meeting him too (like you were with your wife).... Fast forward 22 yrs down the line, he continues to cheat on me too -- last I found out was in January of this year, he was bust for affair # 8 on me. I then told him very matter-of-factly that she could HAVE him, that he could pack his bags and go back to her. I also told him from that moment on, that I reserve the right to NOT BE FAITHFUL TO HIM ANY MORE!!! Yes, damn right, I wanted to hurt him. He has hurt me over and over again, and I think with a person like him, who will ONLY understand what betrayal pain is like for someone else, is if someone HURTS HIM IN THE SAME WAY (since he lacks empathy). He shows v. strong Narcissistic traits. I have told him months ago, that I wish on him, that somebody hurt him the same way he has hurt me, and that he CRIES IN HIS HEART like I have. Ah, what the heck! Who am I kidding?!
Athena Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I've thought it might be a subconscious desire to hurt her as well. We have talked about it, but the desire hasn't gone away yet You're wondering what it's like to sleep with someone else, since YOU have not done that ever, but she has, and yet she still chose to go back and do that (sleep with someone else) even AFTER she married you? You are wondering why she would choose to do that, unless it was VERY, VERY, good?! hmm? You are thinking, "Why don't I give that a try?" "Here is my chance" ?? You are trying to put yourself in her shoes, and better understand her (because right now you just CANNOT FATHOM WHY ON EARTH SHE WOULD CHEAT ON YOU) and you are thinking that the way to do that best -- to really "get" her (to understand WHY) -- is to do the same? No?
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Hey, if it helps any, my husband had been married before (and cheated several times then) and I was a virgin prior to meeting him too (like you were with your wife).... Fast forward 22 yrs down the line, he continues to cheat on me too -- last I found out was in January of this year, he was bust for affair # 8 on me. I then told him very matter-of-factly that she could HAVE him, that he could pack his bags and go back to her. I also told him from that moment on, that I reserve the right to NOT BE FAITHFUL TO HIM ANY MORE!!! Yes, damn right, I wanted to hurt him. He has hurt me over and over again, and I think with a person like him, who will ONLY understand what betrayal pain is like for someone else, is if someone HURTS HIM IN THE SAME WAY (since he lacks empathy). He shows v. strong Narcissistic traits. I have told him months ago, that I wish on him, that somebody hurt him the same way he has hurt me, and that he CRIES IN HIS HEART like I have. Ah, what the heck! Who am I kidding?! I can understand that. I felt that way for a while, and this is the first time it has happened to me. I hated the fact that I loved her. I felt pathetic, the most hurt I could bring myself to do to her was by changing my desktop to a portrait of a woman, fully clothed and only showing the face and shoulders. I felt so helpless, I loved her too much to hurt her even then I just hope she is serious and honest about being penitent. Only time will tell.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 How did you find out about the A? I sensed that something was up. One night I turned to her and asked her if there was something wrong between us, and told her I thought she was having an affair. There was nothing overt aside from her slightly distant behavior to clue me in to the problem. She admitted to everything.
Athena Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well done to your wife for being honest with you when you asked her about having an affair. That is far, far, better than the 'usual' run-around gaslighting and craziness that most cheaters use to flip the tables on you and get you to feel like you cannot trust your own intuition. The common response from cheaters after being asked if they are involved with someone else, is to DENY, DENY, DENY. And if that doesn't work to get you off their back, then they deflect that attention on them, by attacking and accusing you of things. Offense after defense. So, that is a promising sign for your M! btw, dunno if you missed one of my two posts up above about why you may be thinking of having an A yourself -- I think that if you examine your thoughts as to the reason, you might find that you don't have the desire anymore.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I recently learned that my wife has been unfaithful. She was going to leave me for him, but has returned and appears committed to working through this in our marriage. Did she return to you because she wants the marriage? Or did she return to you because the other man left her or told her its over? I am fully committed to her and our marriage, but I keep having the desire to sleep with someone else. That is the revenge thing in you. You should be better than that. But ask yourself, do you want to sleep with someone for revenge only, or do you really want to be with another woman? If its the latter, then maybe you should drop the idea of working on your marriage. It isn't an attempt at vindictive reciprocity, but it is instead grounded in the fact that I have only ever slept with my wife, having been a virgin prior to dating my wife, and feel a sense of the infidelity being unfair in this regard. Then my advice would be to divorce her. Because cheating is wrong, no matter what. You would become no better than her. For you to hold your head up high, then you'd have to forgive her and let the infidelity make the sexual score uneven, or divorce her. She had slept with men prior to myself, and now she has added another. I on the other hand have never had such experience and even though I am committed to my marriage I keep having this unwanted desire. I will never cheat on my wife, such is not an option for me. If you have the desire, you can't say the option isn't there for you. And since you have a feeling of inequity in the sex regard with your wife, you are not going to ever feel the same about her again.1 Does anyone know a method for ridding myself of this desire? Yes, get rid of the cheater.
Trialbyfire Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I am fully committed to her and our marriage, but I keep having the desire to sleep with someone else. It isn't an attempt at vindictive reciprocity, but it is instead grounded in the fact that I have only ever slept with my wife, having been a virgin prior to dating my wife, and feel a sense of the infidelity being unfair in this regard. She had slept with men prior to myself, and now she has added another. I on the other hand have never had such experience and even though I am committed to my marriage I keep having this unwanted desire. I will never cheat on my wife, such is not an option for me. Does anyone know a method for ridding myself of this desire? Any help would be appreciated. You've been going through some crazy emotions lately. Having said that, what's happening now is no diffferent than what happened to her. You're experiencing a dysfunctional way to cope. If you were seriously committed to making your marriage work, this wouldn't even be a consideration now. If you can't help yourself, get some therapy. If this also doesn't work, just walk. Don't stoop to her level.
JustBreathe Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I felt that way and I've had a lot of lovers before I married which makes me wonder whether the problem is your not having had sexual experiences prior to marriage. I think most people feel like the scales are unbalanced and they want the same experience. Not all, but most. I don't think it's about revenge, it wasn't for me anyway, it is like you want things to be even. Like if you don't do that, then it is unfair and there will always be that unbalance in the scale and you will resent it. Like it must be wonderful since so many people do it. But face it. If you were to do it, you wouldn't have the same experience she did. You will never know what she did or how she felt because you were not there. You will never have the complete truth. There IS no way to balance things. You hold fidelity dear, it is important to you, there is no way sleeping with someone else can help you. You cannot know. You cannot get even. You cannot have that same experience for yourself. Even if you followed through, you wouldn't feel the same feelings she did. You just have to accept that it happened and then decide whether you can live with it or not. So.. how do you resist it? Well, personally, I studied it. I learned what cheaters rally go through after the initial break-up and the loss of their ego stroke, once they come back from la la land. I observed how at first they speak of their long lost luuvers with their eyes full of pink hearts, and later they speak of them with derision, sometimes even contempt. I decided they were emotionally immature, faithless, misguided people and I didn't want to join their ranks. I decided I was better than that.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Well done to your wife for being honest with you when you asked her about having an affair. That is far, far, better than the 'usual' run-around gaslighting and craziness that most cheaters use to flip the tables on you and get you to feel like you cannot trust your own intuition. The common response from cheaters after being asked if they are involved with someone else, is to DENY, DENY, DENY. And if that doesn't work to get you off their back, then they deflect that attention on them, by attacking and accusing you of things. Offense after defense. So, that is a promising sign for your M! btw, dunno if you missed one of my two posts up above about why you may be thinking of having an A yourself -- I think that if you examine your thoughts as to the reason, you might find that you don't have the desire anymore. I think I am working through the desires. They have lessened severely over the past day or so. Today is a big day. It is the first day that her and the OM have the opportunity to be together or talk to each other if they wish. I am hoping that she remains faithful and committed to our relationship, but only time will tell.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Did she return to you because she wants the marriage? Or did she return to you because the other man left her or told her its over? I believe she returned to work on the marriage. She returned to me while the OM was still going ahead with everything. She ended it and returned leaving him hanging. That is the revenge thing in you. You should be better than that. But ask yourself, do you want to sleep with someone for revenge only, or do you really want to be with another woman? If its the latter, then maybe you should drop the idea of working on your marriage. It is curiosity for the most part. My wife and I talk about this now, and I believe that it will be a fading desire. I do not believe that curiosity is sufficient excuse to end a marriage over. I do not believe there is much that is worth ending a marriage over. Then my advice would be to divorce her. Because cheating is wrong, no matter what. You would become no better than her. For you to hold your head up high, then you'd have to forgive her and let the infidelity make the sexual score uneven, or divorce her. Agreed with this. I will never hurt anyone, my wife included, in this manner. I am not speaking of acting upon this desire, only in dealing with it and helping it fade away. If you have the desire, you can't say the option isn't there for you. Perhaps you are different from myself, but I can state unequivocably that I will never cheat on my wife. Self-denial and And since you have a feeling of inequity in the sex regard with your wife, you are not going to ever feel the same about her again. No, her decisions and activities have forever changed our marriage. Nothing I have done has done this. I may have some responsibility for her feelings that led to this, but I do not have responsibility for her actions or the results of her actions. Yes, get rid of the cheater. If such was my desire, I wouldn't be here. I am here so I have a soundingboard and can view other opinions. There must be options and methods for dealing with this type of thing, I do not believe that there is no solution.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 You've been going through some crazy emotions lately. Having said that, what's happening now is no diffferent than what happened to her. You're experiencing a dysfunctional way to cope. If you were seriously committed to making your marriage work, this wouldn't even be a consideration now. If you can't help yourself, get some therapy. If this also doesn't work, just walk. Don't stoop to her level. I agree, having the desire is a dysfunctional attempt to cope. I think your accusation to my level of commitment is correct to a point. I am having severe trust issues. I want to make the marriage work, but atm I am concerned about protecting myself as well. A small part of my mind says, "make her leave, then she won't be able to hurt you again." Everything in life that is worth attaining requires risk, this is no different, and even with the infidelity I believe she is worth the risk. Can I state that making her leave doesn't cross my mind? No. I can state however that I am committed, albeit with some concerns, I merely have to figure out how to deal with the negative results her actions have caused in my mind.
Author HerHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 I felt that way and I've had a lot of lovers before I married which makes me wonder whether the problem is your not having had sexual experiences prior to marriage. I think most people feel like the scales are unbalanced and they want the same experience. Not all, but most. I don't think it's about revenge, it wasn't for me anyway, it is like you want things to be even. Like if you don't do that, then it is unfair and there will always be that unbalance in the scale and you will resent it. Like it must be wonderful since so many people do it. But face it. If you were to do it, you wouldn't have the same experience she did. You will never know what she did or how she felt because you were not there. You will never have the complete truth. There IS no way to balance things. You hold fidelity dear, it is important to you, there is no way sleeping with someone else can help you. You cannot know. You cannot get even. You cannot have that same experience for yourself. Even if you followed through, you wouldn't feel the same feelings she did. You just have to accept that it happened and then decide whether you can live with it or not. So.. how do you resist it? Well, personally, I studied it. I learned what cheaters rally go through after the initial break-up and the loss of their ego stroke, once they come back from la la land. I observed how at first they speak of their long lost luuvers with their eyes full of pink hearts, and later they speak of them with derision, sometimes even contempt. I decided they were emotionally immature, faithless, misguided people and I didn't want to join their ranks. I decided I was better than that. Thank you. Your statements really hit home. I was approaching a similar conclusion myself.
imagine Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Today is a big day. It is the first day that her and the OM have the opportunity to be together or talk to each other if they wish. I am hoping that she remains faithful and committed to our relationship, but only time will tell. Sorry pal, This where you need to wise up. You and your WW are playing with fire. Stop her if you can. No contact -forever -is required. A letter, vetted by you, is sent to OM by WW. Get the heck to marriagebuilders.com and read their articles. Get hold of "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley. Read about the three parts to ending an affair.
Author HerHusband Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Sorry pal, This where you need to wise up. You and your WW are playing with fire. Stop her if you can. No contact -forever -is required. A letter, vetted by you, is sent to OM by WW. Get the heck to marriagebuilders.com and read their articles. Get hold of "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley. Read about the three parts to ending an affair. You seem to not understand. And you are underestimating me. She will not see the OM at work. She has agreed to not see or communicate with him again. We have ended the affair in a manner that is similar to what is suggested there. The problem is whether or not she will follow through on her commitments now. Will she contact him? Will she avoid it if he attempts to contact her? This is where we are. If she does contact him or does not avoid his attempt, should it occur, then I must decide if I am willing to continue. The only method of regaining trust is time without her coming into contact with him. They will not even be in the same city, however, today is a day when she will be out of my vicinity and he will be away from his wife's vicinity. They both know this time exists. It is now completely in their hands. I am fine with attempting to trust her, she either fails or not, either way, I know what her decision is after today.
Athena Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 hmm well, if they both know they are out of sight of their respective spouses, they may very well contact each other to talk things out (not necessarily to get back together, although you know it surely can lead down that slippery path...). So -- are you truly going to walk away from her if she allows contact? I think that if they had feelings for each other, they will surely try to talk... I think that perhaps it takes a couple of attempts before they finally break free from each other (?) You are setting your wife up to LIE by letting her know you will leave her for such a minor (albeit dangerous) contact... don't you value Honesty more? So, if she 'slips' up as I think is common, or she talks to him for 'closure' do you think she should be able to tell you (i.e. be honest with you) or to lie to you? Dunno, just a thought.
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