New Here, Just need to get it off my chest...

[Frisky_Kitty]

Hi everyone. Im new to this forum but have been poking and proding around to get myself to admitt this to others...

You all can call my Tj, just a shortened version of my name but anywho...I hope to get a warm welcome and hope no one can think badly of me and my choices that i've made....

Here's my shortened version of whats going on and what I need to get off my chest...

Im dating a guy, (lets just call him) A, we've been together for roughly 3 years, have lived together for almost the entire time we've been together and recently bought our first home almost 7/8 months ago...

For a little over a year I've been "seeing" someone else whom is a few years younger then me, we'll call him J

My issue Im having now is...I want to "be with" J sexually all the time (im a very sexually active person) and the mere thought of being sexual with my partner whom i bought our home with...makes me sick to my stomach, or just completely uninerested in sex because of how A acts during the little "session".

Im not necessarily asking for advice but if you'd like to give it...more then willing to accept it

I dont want to get the label as "cheater" for the reason being I dont want to be seen as a bad person, because im really not-I just act on my sexual urges and cant really stop myself...

Please dont think of me as a bad person, i just would REALLY love to make some new friends and be apart of this forum community

Tj

[signedin2008]

I dont want to get the label as "cheater" for the reason being I dont want to be seen as a bad person, because im really not-

 

That's like someone saying I don't want to be called a killer even though I killed someone intentionally and continue to want to kill others BECAUSE I don't want to be associated with the bad things that people associate with being a killer.

 

If you cheat, you are a cheater, period.

 

I just act on my sexual urges and cant really stop myself...

 

Either grow up or get some professional help with that.

[Sandy223]

Frisky - don't think of yourself as a bad person ... we are not perfect, and the good thing about this forum is that, for the most part, others are very supportive. We are all here, generally, because we find ourselves in situations where we let our other urges or desires take the place of good judgment. We have taken risks with our personal lives, for which we find ourselves tormented by, and need support in working through - it does not make you a bad person.

 

IMO, this situation is really about what you want in life, and what needs of yours are not being met in your primary relationship. Since you are now more committed, in that you are buying a home together, perhaps now is the time to examine what you really want in your relationship and why your needs aren't being met. For example, why are you not physcially attracted to him? Why are you with the other mate? Is it because you really can't control yourself - which I highly doubt - or because a need of yours isn't being met in the primary relatiobship?

 

To save yourself from years of self torture, before going any farther with either of these two, I would take a long hard look at myself and what I want out of life, and be honest about it. You personally would be better served in figuring this out now ... and then choose one ...

 

.. I know it is not going to be easy, but you will save yourself and these two men a liot of heartache going forward... you should nip this in the bud before you make any permanent decisions ...

 

... anyway, that is my two cents, for what it's worth,.

[Frisky_Kitty]

That's like someone saying I don't want to be called a killer even though I killed someone intentionally and continue to want to kill others BECAUSE I don't want to be associated with the bad things that people associate with being a killer.

 

If you cheat, you are a cheater, period.

 

 

 

Either grow up or get some professional help with that.

Suddelty works too i guess

Im not trying to say Im not a cheater...Im a cheater, I AM A CHEATER (isnt the first step admitting? haha)

Im not going to make excuses for myself because it was my choice as well as J's choice...I just dont want people to stick me with "you are a cheater, therefore a bad person"

[signedin2008]

We have taken risks with our personal lives, for which we find ourselves tormented by, and need support in working through - it does not make you a bad person.

 

This makes me laugh.

 

It can only come from a mistress or a cheating wife. I am guessing mistress.

[signedin2008]

I just dont want people to stick me with "you are a cheater, therefore a bad person"

 

You don't want to hear it because you know it's the truth and this truth about you stinks, hurts, and go against everything you believe in.

 

You're a cheater and what you did and doing is very bad, disrepecful and selfish. There isn't many things worse than cheating, killing, raping on this planet and you do know it.

[Sandy223]

In response to Ms. Signed In (a/k/a Ms. Perfect) Correct me if I am wrong, but isnt the whole purpose of this board to be a support forum for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner?? For those who are not perfect, which I assume you think you are, who are trying to either get out of a situation for which they are less than proud? I know we all can't be perfect like you, and am glad that you find amusement in coming to this board to judge and bash those who are trying to find support. Guess it makes it easier for you not to look at your own life.

[Geishawhelk]

This is appallingly disrespectful behaviour.

If you cannot be faithful to a partner, get out of the relationship.

If you can't get out of the relationship, either ditch the lover, or get real and confess to the partner.

 

You're obviously willing to be deceitful, but you don't actually have the courage and character to face those with whom you share your lives, your finances, your homes, your time and space, and admit you're being deceitful?

 

I've said it before, and I will continue to say it.

 

Humans are not, in my opinion, programmed to be faithful.

We're not made to be monogampous.

Very, very few mammals are.

 

But if we commit to something, we should commit and mean it.

Or not commit.

Or admit, when we can no longer commit.

 

But deceit is not the way to go.

 

I don't blame you for being unfaithful.

I blame you for lying and continuing to lie, and carrying on with the full intention of continuing to lie.

 

Tell your partners what you're doing and get it out in the open.

You will feel so much better to be finally completely honest.

 

I dare you.

I double-dare you.

With knobs on....

[Frisky_Kitty]

Frisky - don't think of yourself as a bad person ... we are not perfect, and the good thing about this forum is that, for the most part, others are very supportive. We are all here, generally, because we find ourselves in situations where we let our other urges or desires take the place of good judgment. We have taken risks with our personal lives, for which we find ourselves tormented by, and need support in working through - it does not make you a bad person.

 

IMO, this situation is really about what you want in life, and what needs of yours are not being met in your primary relationship. Since you are now more committed, in that you are buying a home together, perhaps now is the time to examine what you really want in your relationship and why your needs aren't being met. For example, why are you not physcially attracted to him? Why are you with the other mate? Is it because you really can't control yourself - which I highly doubt - or because a need of yours isn't being met in the primary relatiobship?

 

To save yourself from years of self torture, before going any farther with either of these two, I would take a long hard look at myself and what I want out of life, and be honest about it. You personally would be better served in figuring this out now ... and then choose one ...

 

.. I know it is not going to be easy, but you will save yourself and these two men a liot of heartache going forward... you should nip this in the bud before you make any permanent decisions ...

 

... anyway, that is my two cents, for what it's worth,.

Thanks sandy, I appreciate your words

I agree with everything you've said...I do need to take a good strong look at my life and what I want...

Anything i say here is going to make me look like a "gold digger" persay, without the gold-or greenbacks...

I want my cake so I can eat it...not just look at it...

For the last 3 years i've been caring for A(current boyfriend) as if he were my child-I have to remind him to brush his teeth, wash behind his ears...was his rear end for gosh sakes...

He doesnt shave his face, rarely changes clothes(he'll change for work-then directly back into the clothes he was wearing before he went to work)

He's a hard "worker", but thats just it...he'll work-at a job, not work at his home...

He works so much that money has consumed his life and causes us to fight ALL the time.

Im proud of him for his work effort and responsibility whilst at his job, but When i care for someone as if they are my child-I find it hard to be attracted to them in a sexual way.

It's plain and simple-he cant deal without a "mother figure" and when i try to make him learn how to deal without one...thats when he quits washing himselve appropriately, lets his weight go, his hygiene in every aspect go so I have to chime back in to make sure he's doesnt get to dirty...

He masterbates alot, even when we had a really good sex life, he continued to masterbate numerous times a day...which is fine but he'll use my personal lotion(like for my legs and arms and stuff) and leave the bottle empty for me-no biggy right? Just go buy a new one but it's just the little stuff that he leaves laying around after his climax...

he'll leave his clothes in a pile under the computer...or just climax on the floor and leave it there...

Then when we do have sex, it isnt...nice, or romantic...it's as hard and fast and whatever position he wants...just to get off

I dont mind hard/fast or whatever, but when he takes the control out of me so that he can manuever me however he wants else he becomes unhappy...it's not enjoyable for me.

I know I make it sound like rape or similar but it's not...It's just he wants me a certain way, so once im that way...he'll take the control out of my hands so he can move me as fast as he wants to get off (if that makes sense)

And with J(the MM) it's sweet, sensitive, and everything that makes sex enjoyable...and it's not even the sex that I stay with him for...it's obviously a plus but he talks to me, we joke, we cuddle, we watch movies-it's just like having a friend when A is gone so much...so i have some human interaction-but it's also sexual interaction as well...

Sorry so long, but i hope that explains some of it...

[whichwayisup]

What counts is what YOU think of yourself at the end of the day. Can YOU look at yourself in the mirror, have a peaceful sleep, while laying next to your partner, whom you live with.

 

You're not a bad person, but you're making a big bad mistake, knowingly and selfishly. This path you're on is going to ruin your partners life, as well as the MM's wife and his family. And, you'll be hurting yourself, losing who "you" are, or were, before the cheating started.

 

It's only a matter of time before you either get caught or someone finds out and tells his wife or your partner.

 

How would you feel if your partner was doing this to you? Put yourself in his shoes for afew minutes, as well as the MM's wife as well.

[Frisky_Kitty]

You don't want to hear it because you know it's the truth and this truth about you stinks, hurts, and go against everything you believe in.

 

You're a cheater and what you did and doing is very bad, disrepecful and selfish. There isn't many things worse than cheating, killing, raping on this planet and you do know it.

I never said I didnt want to hear it...I dont mind saying it...as a matter of fact A knows majority of my sexual life...he even knew how open i was about my sex life before him.

Im not looking for a quick fix, or to be bashed about how I currently live my life...

Im opening up about my situation in hopes to find someone like me...there's nothing harder in life than feeling like the odd one out...everyday of your life.

I am how I am and there's not alot that can change the way I view my life, love and finances but at least I can get tips on how to manuever it in a better way...

So like I said, I did NOT say i didnt want to hear it, I will yell it to the high hell that I am a cheater, therefore obviously a bad person but because I am a cheater/bad person does that mean I shouldnt be allowed to make new friends? or ask for advice?

I came here to find people like me...not to be bashed for for mistakes i've made-since your here too...you must have made some as well!

[whichwayisup]

just act on my sexual urges and cant really stop myself...

 

Then seek professional counselling to fix this, otherwise you'll never be in a faithful and honest relationship. Does your partner know you have this problem? Maybe he'll agree to an open relationship, that way he can get some on the side as well. Just something to consider and think about.

 

Bottomline is, DO you love the guy you're with (boyfriend)?? If yes, then GET help and stop cheating on him. If you don't love him, break it off so he can find love with someone else who won't cheat on him. Continuing to cheat and betray him in the worst way is just plain cruel of you, especially since you ARE aware of what you're doing to him. Sadly, the consquences are going to high when the truth comes out..Be ready.

[Frisky_Kitty]

What counts is what YOU think of yourself at the end of the day. Can YOU look at yourself in the mirror, have a peaceful sleep, while laying next to your partner, whom you live with.

 

You're not a bad person, but you're making a big bad mistake, knowingly and selfishly. This path you're on is going to ruin your partners life, as well as the MM's wife and his family. And, you'll be hurting yourself, losing who "you" are, or were, before the cheating started.

 

It's only a matter of time before you either get caught or someone finds out and tells his wife or your partner.

 

How would you feel if your partner was doing this to you? Put yourself in his shoes for afew minutes, as well as the MM's wife as well.

Thank you for your input...

Two wrongs never make a right but depending on how you look at cheating..."A" cheats on me almost everyday of his life with the 20 some girls he has stacked up in his cell phone whom text him and he returns texts which are all sexually related...or the sexual nature of his myspace messages...

Im not making excuses for the reason i do this because in all honesty, I was raised in a cheating environment, I cheated previous to "A" and whilst our relationship now...

He cheated on me physically a few months back and actually thought he got his lucky lady Prego.

I've asked him about a more "open relationship" to express both of our needs because he flat out told me "i bore him" but he will not let me have an open relationship with any male figure...only female...

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you for your input...

Two wrongs never make a right but depending on how you look at cheating..."A" cheats on me almost everyday of his life with the 20 some girls he has stacked up in his cell phone whom text him and he returns texts which are all sexually related...or the sexual nature of his myspace messages...

Im not making excuses for the reason i do this because in all honesty, I was raised in a cheating environment, I cheated previous to "A" and whilst our relationship now...

He cheated on me physically a few months back and actually thought he got his lucky lady Prego.

I've asked him about a more "open relationship" to express both of our needs because he flat out told me "i bore him" but he will not let me have an open relationship with any male figure...only female...

 

 

You both need counseling and to leave each other alone. He won't let you:eek:how does a grown man tell a grown woman she can't do something. I don't agree with open relationships, but he has no right to tell an adult anything and neither of you have the right to run around humping like rabbits because your libidos are in control.

[norajane]

I am how I am and there's not alot that can change the way I view my life, love and finances but at least I can get tips on how to manuever it in a better way...

 

He cheated on me physically a few months back and actually thought he got his lucky lady Prego.

I've asked him about a more "open relationship" to express both of our needs because he flat out told me "i bore him" but he will not let me have an open relationship with any male figure...only female...

 

The only better way I see is for you to leave him. He sounds kinda gross, actually. Masturbating onto the floor and leaving it? Ew.

 

And since he's cheated on you and says you bore him, I'm completely clueless why you two stay together. Hasn't the thought of leaving him even crossed your mind? Even after you found out he cheated on you at the same time you've been cheating on him?

 

WHY are you staying in this relationship with A when it sounds like pure suck?

[Sandy223]

Frisky ... i hate to say it, but I think the problem lies with the man you are buying a home with. it seems as if none of your needs are getting met in this relationship, but you have stayed with him anyway and resigned yourself to a life of cheating. You know that is not the way to go ... even for selfish reason ... irrespective of the harm it will bring to everyone else.

 

It's hard to break off a relationship with someone you are committed to .. you are buying a home together! This is the time to stop this dead in its tracks, and muster up the courage and strength to do the right thing ...

 

... you do not want to live a life of cheating and deceipt! you don't want to pick up after your bf and be his mother ... from what you have described, I can see why you are totally disgusted with his behavior, and I can see why you are not physically attracted to him! No longer being sexually attracted to your mate is a signal that other things are wrong in the relatiobship ....

 

... that is where you have the choice ... the choice that seperates you from right and wrong. You can either work on the primary relationship ... which is WORK ... it is hard ... but, cheating on him doesn't resolve anything... it keeps you in a relationship that isn't working ... it makes the situation with him bearable... but isn't that settling???

 

... people who cheat do so because it is easier ... it is easier to find a band aid vs. looking in the mirror and examining the relationship for what it is, with all of its warts ... and either remaining committed to fixing it or to getting out... it is a lot of hard work, but there are no short cuts ....

 

... if you don't work on the relationship now, and if you really don't belong there, something else in life will happen to force you out of the relationship...

 

... you CAN control yourself ... take your power back, and please do the hard work now before other circumstances make that decision for you. Now is the time to end the extra relationship so that you and your boyfriend can work on that relationship ... or maybe right now you need to work on yourself ... there is no easy answer ...

 

... but the worst thing you can do to yourself is burying it under the carpet and getting your needs met else where and living a double life ... it will all come crumbling down on you like a house of cards, and then you will really be distraught ...

 

... this board is very supportive, not always the advice we want to hear ... but, you came here for a reason ... you are having difficulty balancing the situation, and you KNOW it is wrong ... saying you can't help yourself is one big excuse ....

 

... also, while this board is supportive, it should not be used as a substitute for professional help. In all sincerity, in this case, I really beleive that you need it ... you are about to really go down the wrong path (the past is the past), and you know it ... which is the first step...

 

... but now, you really must pull yourself together and do the right thing, for ... today's choices define tomorrow ... don't make the wrong choice. (or stop making the wrong choice)

[Frisky_Kitty]

You both need counseling and to leave each other alone. He won't let you:eek:how does a grown man tell a grown woman she can't do something. I don't agree with open relationships, but he has no right to tell an adult anything and neither of you have the right to run around humping like rabbits because your libidos are in control.

I totally agree we both need some sort of counseling, him telling me I can or can not do something in small retrospect as i've given here...is just the half of it

 

 

The only better way I see is for you to leave him. He sounds kinda gross, actually. Masturbating onto the floor and leaving it? Ew.

 

And since he's cheated on you and says you bore him, I'm completely clueless why you two stay together. Hasn't the thought of leaving him even crossed your mind? Even after you found out he cheated on you at the same time you've been cheating on him?

 

WHY are you staying in this relationship with A when it sounds like pure suck?

LOL yes i know totally gross-masterbating on the floor was actually the least of my worries, I dont dare type the other thing he left me once...

Im actually not entirely sure why we stay together at all...I broke up with him awhile ago because of his lack of responsibility around the house and lack of empathy for how much i did without any thanks at all(sounds kinda lame saying that when i look at the big picture of being cheating on him)

but you know just stuff around the house...cleaning, dishes, making supper, washing clothes, feeding and caring for the animals we have etc etc...

But he wouldnt leave me alone, nagging, crying, showing up at my house at all hours of the night/day/evening wanting me to take him back...

I believe our relationship is based purely on comfort-Im comfortable around him, he's comfortable around me-as well as the fact i take care of him more then the average woman would put up with EX: making sure he washes properly...

I do love him, i cant say im "in" love with him anymore though...

I know for a fact he isnt in love with me, it shows-very well...i kinda think he enjoys the feeling of "owning me" although i seem to rebel alot and it doesnt work out the way he always hoped it was going too...but i think he thinks...he owns me...

[Geishawhelk]

This relationship is so damaged, I don't even think "relationship" is the right word.

It's kind of an insult, in a way, if you know what I mean, to those who ARE in a relationship.....

 

THis has got to stop.

It's so beyond repair, it's a mess.

A complete and utter, disrespectful, distrustful, uncommunicative mess.

[norajane]

Im actually not entirely sure why we stay together at all...I broke up with him awhile ago

 

But he wouldnt leave me alone, nagging, crying, showing up at my house at all hours of the night/day/evening wanting me to take him back...

 

I believe our relationship is based purely on comfort-Im comfortable around him, he's comfortable around me-as well as the fact i take care of him

 

Do you NEED to feel so needed by someone? This sounds a bit like co-dependence to me...although I'm hardly an expert on psychological issues.

 

But, I can tell you that's not a healthy adult relationship. If you find you cannot leave him even though you are miserable with him, then you have some issues you need to work on. Most people CAN and DO walk away under these kinds of circumstances, and would have long ago, without looking back regardless of how much begging and pleading was done.

[Frisky_Kitty]

Do you NEED to feel so needed by someone? This sounds a bit like co-dependence to me...although I'm hardly an expert on psychological issues.

 

But, I can tell you that's not a healthy adult relationship. If you find you cannot leave him even though you are miserable with him, then you have some issues you need to work on. Most people CAN and DO walk away under these kinds of circumstances, and would have long ago, without looking back regardless of how much begging and pleading was done.

I dont know if i NEED to be needed...but I like to be needed, makes me feel important-like i have a reason to get up everyday.

I just want to be needed by someone who see's me as an equal...not as a mother.

[Geishawhelk]

I dont know if i NEED to be needed...but I like to be needed, makes me feel important-like i have a reason to get up everyday.

I just want to be needed by someone who see's me as an equal...not as a mother.

 

This isn't a 'need' based on a mutually beneficial exchange.

This 'need' is neither productive nor nurturing.

This need is parasitic, insiduous and damaging.

 

This isn't 'need'.

 

it's complacent abusive dependency.

 

Is this what you want to continue to live with?

[Geishawhelk]

"insidious".

 

Typo.

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome!

 

Your story makes it sound like you have oodles of valid reasons for leaving A. The reasons for staying don't seem clear. It doesn't seem that you have any more than kinship love remaining.

 

Are you afraid of leaving him for some reason? You mentioned "gold digging." Does economic uncertainty play a part? Why don't you break up with him?

 

If you become single, then you can choose J or someone better. And it wouldn't have to be part-time sneaking. Seems like you'd have a lot MORE cake if you let go of A.

[lkjh]

Sandy,

I have to disagree with you. Not all people cheat for the same reason; some people do cheat simply because they are not capable of staying faithful. Not all cheaters cheat because they are missing something. Nobody can have 100% of their needs met! Missing something in a relationship does not give someone the right to cheat

[Mino]

In response to Ms. Signed In (a/k/a Ms. Perfect) Correct me if I am wrong, but isnt the whole purpose of this board to be a support forum for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner?? For those who are not perfect, which I assume you think you are, who are trying to either get out of a situation for which they are less than proud? I know we all can't be perfect like you, and am glad that you find amusement in coming to this board to judge and bash those who are trying to find support. Guess it makes it easier for you not to look at your own life.

I second that!!!! Warning to the new poster,,, not all are friendly, One has a really big chip on their shoulder...I just think they like to bash, I think they just had a d day recently, yonno..biterness is a terrible state to be in, Anyway, we welcome you!