norajane Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Haha. Well, the guy actually called this afternoon, and I asked him what was up. Apparently, he felt like I'd backed off last week since I was busy with school ending... so he was just trying to follow suit. Perhaps I unknowingly do something that makes men back off right before they ask me to be their girlfriend! Anyway, the guy and I are now official. He said he was afraid to ask me because he wasn't sure I would say "yes" but he was afraid to get more into things if I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was really cute. And reminds me that men and women aren't so different after all... Maybe YOU'RE the distancer!
johan Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Guys don't do this kind of thing. It's an urban myth.
tkgirl Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I unfortunately DO know a lot about the good ol' pullback... or rather, I have experienced it to the extreme with this last guy I was dating.. and then wasn't.. and then was again... and now... you guessed it! I really don't understand it myself because I don't think I ever did anything to make him feel pressured. We both liked each other lot and had a lot of fun together, but then out of the blue he'd do the PB thing again! This last time I could tell my feelings were changing.. I still really liked him but it just hurt too much when that would happen, so I began to do the PB thing myself... which I actually really hated. I like to be open and share my feelings with the guy I'm with... hmmm... maybe that's my problem? lol! anyho.. in my case I finally told him I think we just want different things and we could be friends... well, a month later (no contact) I heard from him again, said he missed me etc. But instead of running back to him I played it cool.. if he really wants to be with me, then well.. That was a week and a half ago and he's diappeared again... I swear, I can't do this.. it's too painful!!! anyho.. thanks for the thread and letting me vent!
belladonna Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 The only guys I've noticed this with are the ones who are generally withdrawers and distancers - they behave this way with everyone, not just the women they're dating. Those men tend to pull away when they're wrestling with a problem or decision, or when they start to feel a little overwhelmed by or just too close for comfort in a relationship. They then throw themselves into work, sports or the gym, friends and hobbies or whatever. Once they "find themselves" or maybe re-balance themselves is a better way to think of it, they then turn their focus to the relationship again. I think for those kinds of guys, it makes them uncomfortable to place a heavy emphasis on relationship. It makes them feel out of balance and unlike their normal selves, as though the normal order of the world is skewed. So they have to check back in to their priorities for a while and determine where "relationship" fits in...kinda like evaluating and re-balancing stock portfolios every once in a while. This sounds exactly like my boyfriend. I just don't know if I can handle it anymore..and I don't know how to tell him without sounding demanding.
Trialbyfire Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 It can be very damaging. However, if their partner recognizes what they're doing, and they themselves are fairly independent, it's possible to just roll your eyes and blow it off as a quirk. The real problem comes in, I think, when the distancer is in distancing mode and their partner happens to really NEED them and their support for whatever reason. Here's where we part ways. During the dating phase and even in the beginning of the relationship, during the infatuation stage, you don't have the comfort level with the other party and no real knowledge of where they're coming from. If you can stand an extended duration of this type of repetitive cycle, you can either become anaesthetized to it or grit your teeth through it. I don't think it's tied into being independent or not. It's tied into the strength of the relationship bonds. Guys don't do this kind of thing. It's an urban myth. Really? You do this exact thing!
Nemo Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Treat 'em mean, and keep 'em keen. It's one of the truest truisms ever written into life's essential book of uncommon sense for men. Take this situation - the OP is going nuts thinking about this guy. No matter how much she might try to deny it, or discount it as being "bored." Rubbish! He's become the centre of her universe. And all because he's making her think. About him. All the time. Genius! Excellent, excellent move on his part. We're witness to a real master in action, here.
BlueHarvest Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Treat 'em mean, and keep 'em keen. It's one of the truest truisms ever written into life's essential book of uncommon sense for men. If it was truly a truism then it wouldn't need to be said in the first place. But because this statement IS NOT a truism, and my co-workers would heartily agree with me with the situations we have had to deal with at work (long story), it is not part of common (or uncommon) sense. Sorry nemo. Maybe in your paradise world you can treat women bad and they keep coming back to you. Not in the world where I live. Ask any woman on here if they like being treated like garbage. I doubt you will get any affirmatives.
Nemo Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Sorry nemo. Now you're just being silly. Of course women aren't going to say they "like being treated like garbage." The point is, when the guy becomes whipped, he's on a gradual downslope to oblivion. She'll lose interest, and move on to more exciting challenges. So it's desperately important for the guy to take every opportunity he can to "pull back" and avoid a horrible, claustrophobic trip to the relationship graveyard.
Vertex Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 For a moment I misread the title of this thread as "The Pullout Stage and Men"
norajane Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 For a moment I misread the title of this thread as "The Pullout Stage and Men" Now that could be an interesting correlation to explore...do men who are distancers prefer the withdrawal method of contraception?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Yes, I have experienced the rubber band theory. In my case, the rubber band usually breaks. Just chill and occupy yourself with friends and other activities until this guy comes back. I think John Gray explains it pretty well in the Mars/Venus book. They just seem to need to collect and reorient themselves. It's annoying, though. Well, we women have our annoying things too, so if we can just cut each other a little slack, we will all be better for it.
Nemo Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Actually, I believe the OP and her guy are now screwing like rabbits. So this thread turned out to be something of a premature ejaculation.
Star Gazer Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 The only guys I've noticed this with are the ones who are generally withdrawers and distancers - they behave this way with everyone, not just the women they're dating. Those men tend to pull away when they're wrestling with a problem or decision, or when they start to feel a little overwhelmed by or just too close for comfort in a relationship. They then throw themselves into work, sports or the gym, friends and hobbies or whatever. Once they "find themselves" or maybe re-balance themselves is a better way to think of it, they then turn their focus to the relationship again. I think for those kinds of guys, it makes them uncomfortable to place a heavy emphasis on relationship. It makes them feel out of balance and unlike their normal selves, as though the normal order of the world is skewed. So they have to check back in to their priorities for a while and determine where "relationship" fits in...kinda like evaluating and re-balancing stock portfolios every once in a while. I totally agree with this analysis. I'm also happy for the OP that things have worked out well so far.
Jilly Bean Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Berrie, this is a technique that John Gray talks about a lot, and he terms it "rubberbanding." Google both, and I think you will find a very good explanation for this behavior. And FWIW, Im with you. When a guy pulls this, I tend to lose interest entirely. It's one of the huge ways men and women are wired differently.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 It can be very damaging. However, if their partner recognizes what they're doing, and they themselves are fairly independent, it's possible to just roll your eyes and blow it off as a quirk. The real problem comes in, I think, when the distancer is in distancing mode and their partner happens to really NEED them and their support for whatever reason. Very true and I also agree with Commitment Phobe, though I don't agree that it necessarily means he's a "bad male", he's just putting his own self interest first. I think the key difference is women prefer to work through it together whereas men tend to withdrawl completely but like other posters mentioned, we are wired differently. Yes he's still in the picture but from a very far distance. He keeps the string just enough for you to grasp onto, it's his way of keeping you without having to invest/put forth any real effort or emotional investment. This tends to create a lot of resentment because it's in essence, neglect. And if you apply the rubberband theory, if you keep pulling it, eventually it breaks.
OpenBook Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Yes he's still in the picture but from a very far distance. He keeps the string just enough for you to grasp onto, it's his way of keeping you without having to invest/put forth any real effort or emotional investment. This tends to create a lot of resentment because it's in essence, neglect. And if you apply the rubberband theory, if you keep pulling it, eventually it breaks. And to take the Rubber Band Theory one step further - you let your end go when the tension is at its highest (he has pulled away). Snap! Ouch!:laugh:
Author berrieh Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Maybe YOU'RE the distancer! Haha... maybe. If I am, it's not on purpose. However, it's totally possible that when things are on the verge of getting serious I send out some sort of vibe that makes things get distant.
Author berrieh Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Treat 'em mean, and keep 'em keen. It's one of the truest truisms ever written into life's essential book of uncommon sense for men. Take this situation - the OP is going nuts thinking about this guy. No matter how much she might try to deny it, or discount it as being "bored." Rubbish! He's become the centre of her universe. And all because he's making her think. About him. All the time. Genius! Excellent, excellent move on his part. We're witness to a real master in action, here. I wouldn't call him mean, and he's certainly not the center of my universe (though he is really fun, and I'm happy we're on the same page). But he's way too nice to call "mean." The "pullback" I was referring to consisted of only texting me once one day and not texting me one night and only being able to hang out once or twice next week (being busy the whole first part of the week). I think to call it "mean" would be melodrama. Though yes, his being busy, especially on nights he's not typically busy, did perk my ears a bit, I'll admit. (It wasn't a ploy to, though, I don't think, now that I know what he's up to those nights... It's a work thing, and no fun for him, really.) I think I was just being a bit of a brat because I have hardly anything to do next week, with all my friends busy with holiday things and school being over for me. And overreacting because it was the first night since we started seeing each other he didn't text me to say goodnight or something late at night.
norajane Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Haha... maybe. If I am, it's not on purpose. However, it's totally possible that when things are on the verge of getting serious I send out some sort of vibe that makes things get distant. Keep in mind, those guys who are distancers aren't necessarily doing it on purpose, nor are they necessarily aware they are doing it either.
Nemo Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 , his being busy, especially on nights he's not typically busy, did perk my ears a bit, I'll admit. Agreed. The guy is a genius. A worthy role model for any single guys out there. You sound quite clingy, so I would try to resist the urge to manufacture ideas in your head that he isn't being attentive. He seems pretty-much hooked, and I see a long, fruitful, and happy relationship ahead for the two of you. Especially if you're open to the exploration of anal sex.
Author berrieh Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Agreed. The guy is a genius. A worthy role model for any single guys out there. You sound quite clingy, so I would try to resist the urge to manufacture ideas in your head that he isn't being attentive. He seems pretty-much hooked, and I see a long, fruitful, and happy relationship ahead for the two of you. Especially if you're open to the exploration of anal sex. I'm actually not clingy at all, I don't think. I do invent ideas in my head, because I'm an optimist in training, but my natural state is a bit pessimistic. And I tend to pick the wrong men. This was why I stayed single for over a year (this is my first boyfriend in awhile, though I've dated plenty -- just not wanted to really sleep with or be serious with anyone till him) after my last relationship, because I wanted to develop better habits/taste in men and revamp other parts of my life. I do require a lot of attention - which I differentiate from clingy in a couple ways: I don't require complete attention (hanging out and doing separate things is totally okay, hanging out in groups is okay too, and I'll often wander off and chat with others, not needing the guy by my side all night, etc) and I believe both partners should have a distinct life outside of each other and interests that are unshared. I'd ideally like to hang out with a partner about half the week (3 nights or lunch one day and 2 nights etc) until we get into super-serious territory, with some form of communication almost every day, even just a quick text. I guess some would see that as clingy, but I see it as being involved in each other's lives. I require a man who has a desire to communicate with me, since communication is sexy to me. The texting every night thing was something he naturally did, not something I neccesarily require (but if you do something and then suddenly don't do it, I'm going to notice), but it's nice and it definitely made me like him more. That said, in an exclusive relationship, I do require quite a bit of time from the person. I also just have A LOT of energy, which is part of why I require a lot of attention. I get bored very easily. This guy has a high energy level, too, which is one thing I like about him.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Agreed. The guy is a genius. A worthy role model for any single guys out there. You sound quite clingy, so I would try to resist the urge to manufacture ideas in your head that he isn't being attentive. He seems pretty-much hooked, and I see a long, fruitful, and happy relationship ahead for the two of you. Especially if you're open to the exploration of anal sex. OMG, I have to say after reading this thread it made me a little sad but after I read that I laughed my butt off! LOL
Nemo Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Guys don't do this kind of thing. It's an urban myth. Really? You do this exact thing! I'm hearing wedding bells!
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'm hearing wedding bells! All you did was start a debate. He's a typical commitment phobe. When he asked if we should set a date, I suggested practical dates like Y3K and 2050. Well...excuses, excuses like inability to perform and things like that. No worries, I get the hint. He's just not that into me so I have to move on.
Nemo Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 He's just not that into me so I have to move Squirming around to get the maximum depth is all part of the fun, I think.
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