The PullBack Stage and Men

[berrieh]

So, I feel the traditional "pull back" stage coming with the new guy, and even though I don't think it's in a bad way -- I feel sure he likes me still, actually a lot (based on recent actions, plans, and things I've heard from mutual friends) -- and he's not being inconsiderate, it bothers me.

 

Why do men do this?

 

Every guy I've ever dated, including many that got past the "pull back" stage (almost all the ones where I didn't lose interest or act nutty during the "pull back" stage got over this...I'm not talking about "the fade" where the guy falls off the planet, but just where he seems to be "pondering" a bit), has done this, so it's got to be something in the way many guys are wired, at least.

 

But I have never understood it.

 

I used to act crazy during the "pull back" stage when I was younger and insecure. Now, I don't do that. But I often lose interest, because I tend to be interested in what's in front of me and absence does not make my heart grow fonder. (Not that I would ever be disloyal, but emotional distance especially doesn't intrigue me; it just bores me.) Still, I cannot begin to understand why it's productive for men in a relationship sense. It seems to be productive in some way, because a majority of the men who have subjected me to it have come back afterwards, stronger than ever, and seemed to have gotten something "out of it" so to speak.

 

Any thoughts on why men do this?

[Gremio]

I'm a mid 20s male.

 

What exactly do you mean by it? I am FAR from the norm when it comes to what men my age do so I'm not sure what you are speaking of.

[berrieh]

I'm a mid 20s male.

 

What exactly do you mean by it? I am FAR from the norm when it comes to what men my age do so I'm not sure what you are speaking of.

 

There seems to be a stage, anywhere from 3-6 weeks into dating (depending on speed) where a guy pulls back emotionally a bit. Not disappears, or weans off, like in The Fade (for instance, he'll still make definitive plans that are a bit away or invite you to leave stuff at his home, which a guy in The Fade wouldn't do), but just sort of stops reaching out in quite the same way.

 

Unless I acted particularly weird or lost interest, the guy usually came back. So, I didn't associate it with The Fade (for differences, see notes above). Also, he still returned calls promptly and on time and checked in enough to maintain a connection, though not as much as usual. For me, this has always occurred before a man has asked me to enter into a more serious relationship.

 

I don't understand it. It could be a trait simply in the men I'm attracted to, and perhaps not all men... My mother said it often happened with men she dated as well, but we could be attracted to the same sorts of men.

[OpenBook]

I think it's a form of self-protection for them. They start really really liking you, you're churning up strong emotions in them - and they're afraid their emotions will run out of control and they'll turn into a steaming pile of goo. Not very manly. So they beat a hasty retreat.

 

Men's sense of autonomy is way more pronounced and precious to them than it is for women, who are more inclined to thrive on connectedness with others.

 

John Gray (author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus") recognizes this tendency in men, and his advice to women on how to handle it is known as "The Rubber Band Theory."

[Isolde]

You and I have some things in common I've noticed, and this isn't an exception.

 

The only difference is that with me, they don't seem to come back after pullbacks, OR I move away from town before they can come back! LOL.

 

My best friend experienced this to a dramatic extent with her current BF. At one point it didn't even look like they'd work out because he was so detached.

 

I've been wondering this for so long too!

[Trialbyfire]

This has only happened to me with one guy and more than once, so it confused the hell outta' me when it happened. It's not something I would repeat. He makes a better casual friend.

 

Why certain guys do this, who knows? If you're okay with this, then it's all good. If not, time to restrict your green light to a different kind of man.

 

Lesson learned for me.

[Gremio]

I've actually never heard of it before. I also have never done it. When I am interested in someone, I never disappear or become flaky. The woman I was seeing would have my full attention.

[berrieh]

Why certain guys do this, who knows? If you're okay with this, then it's all good. If not, time to restrict your green light to a different kind of man.

 

Lesson learned for me.

 

I'm okay with it only when done in a considerate way. That's why I distinguished it from The Fade, because it is characterized by respect and distance. Yeah, the guy pulls back, but he doesn't fall off the planet and gives distinct signs that it won't be 'forever.'

 

I also think I may feel it more often than most, because I tend to be very 'empathic' and notice even subtle changes in anyone's mood or inner life, before tangible signs can be seen. (I have a group of friends that jokingly calls me the 'mindreader' because I can have empathic moments even with total strangers. )

 

All my male friends tend to do this, too, when they're in relationships, so I've seen it from the other side...still not understanding it but knowing they didn't mean anything negative. It used to drive me mad. Now, it only bothers me in that my interest begins to wane during.

 

In this particular case, the boy in question is somewhat jealous - though he hides that well - and also knows everyone in town, so I am wary of dating or even really flirting with others in the meantime, because I think he would not like it. Yet I am a big flirt, and I get asked out a lot... I don't sleep around at all, but I'm very sociable and like dating and flirting (I don't even neccesarily crave the physicality of it, but the intellectual side, mostly).

 

So, when a guy pulls back, especially pre-commitment (after commitment, I would never dream of flirting with others), I tend to get very bored if I don't date others. If this guy were flaky, I wouldn't care... I'd just throw him to the curb. But he's not being flaky exactly, just less communicative than usual and quieter when we're together. Yet, he's asking me to things that are weeks away (company Christmas party) and buying things for me at his place at the same time, which sends the opposite message of The Fade.

[BlueHarvest]

Anyone ever known women to do this? I feel like the roles are switched in my situation. I feel like the girl I'm seeing (we are at 5-6 weeks now) was going through the fade for the past week. Not sure. Just wanted some opinions if women do this too.

[berrieh]

Anyone ever known women to do this? I feel like the roles are switched in my situation. I feel like the girl I'm seeing (we are at 5-6 weeks now) was going through the fade for the past week. Not sure. Just wanted some opinions if women do this too.

 

Well, I know women who do The Fade.

 

I've yet to know women who do The Pullback (and then return, and everything's good).

 

I do, occasionally, get busy when dating a guy, but I explicitly tell him what's up. "I won't be seeing you for a week or so because I have to write 1000 pages worth of papers and take a huge exam this week" or something.

[Gremio]

Well, I know women who do The Fade.

 

I've yet to know women who do The Pullback (and then return, and everything's good).

 

I do, occasionally, get busy when dating a guy, but I explicitly tell him what's up. "I won't be seeing you for a week or so because I have to write 1000 pages worth of papers and take a huge exam this week" or something.

 

If only more people had the decency and common sense to be polite.

[berrieh]

If only more people had the decency and common sense to be polite.

 

This makes a good point. The Pull Back period I notice might just be guys catching up on all the stuff they let fall by the wayside in the meeting-a-new-girl-I-really-like phase, and they might just not be telling me how neglectful they've been/how much they need to catch up on. I can put a lot of them into that context.

 

I am pretty much an open book, and there's nothing I'm really ashamed of, including my tendencies to procrastinate (I get things done eventually). So, I don't realize how many people might not say this overtly, because they don't want to appear disorganized, chaotic, unavailable... Kind of like the "if I don't mention anything, maybe she won't notice" theory.

[Trialbyfire]

'Tis a balance of expectation management. If someone can't pace themselves within the initial infatuation stage, doing the full court press to "get" someone, then it's time to rethink their methodology. It creates the illusion of someone who is different from the real person.

 

When the real person starts to show through, then it causes double vision and confusion for the other person.

 

I dunno. I guess it depends on whether you see the other person as someone of value, to get to know, or just part of the endgame, where the endgame is "getting" someone.

[indianlover]

I hear everyone. I'm in ths stage of a relationship as well. In the past I also would react negatively when this would happen - pull harder, try to get back control.

 

But now, this time I'm giving him space to get his school work done. (Despite the fact that I find it difficult not to ask for more). Realizing that the last thing he needs on his to-do list stressing him out is me. Its better to be supportive and gently reminding him I'm still here. That's what a good partner is anyway, right? Someone who will be there for you in a positive way and let you do what you need to do and vice versa.

 

I think the hard part is when you are in a new relationship its 1) scary and 2) difficult to have to support someone from a distance that you aren't sure is really going to stick around for much longer.

[Ruby Slippers]

Maybe it's an unconscious test of your independence and self-sufficiency? Or of their own ability not to be consumed with the relationship? I haven't experienced it, so I'm not sure.

[norajane]

The only guys I've noticed this with are the ones who are generally withdrawers and distancers - they behave this way with everyone, not just the women they're dating.

 

Those men tend to pull away when they're wrestling with a problem or decision, or when they start to feel a little overwhelmed by or just too close for comfort in a relationship. They then throw themselves into work, sports or the gym, friends and hobbies or whatever. Once they "find themselves" or maybe re-balance themselves is a better way to think of it, they then turn their focus to the relationship again.

 

I think for those kinds of guys, it makes them uncomfortable to place a heavy emphasis on relationship. It makes them feel out of balance and unlike their normal selves, as though the normal order of the world is skewed. So they have to check back in to their priorities for a while and determine where "relationship" fits in...kinda like evaluating and re-balancing stock portfolios every once in a while.

[indianlover]

Once they "find themselves" or maybe re-balance themselves is a better way to think of it, they then turn their focus to the relationship again.

 

I've seen this as well. I've known high-achieving people from both sexes and in general women who are high achieving are well -organized and incredible at time management. The men on the other hand are very bright as well, but put things off till the last minute and have to crunch.

[Trialbyfire]

It's like a big game of Go, Go, Go...STOP, where one person is always in control.

[norajane]

It's like a big game of Go, Go, Go...STOP, where one person is always in control.

 

Ha, yes. It IS 100% about control, actually, although not always necessarily controlling the other person. It's more about controlling themselves, or the fear of losing control. With the men who are very afraid of losing control, it can go too far and it extends to controlling the relationship and the other person.

[Trialbyfire]

Ha, yes. It IS 100% about control, actually, although not always necessarily controlling the other person. It's more about controlling themselves, or the fear of losing control. With the men who are very afraid of losing control, it can go too far and it extends to controlling the relationship and the other person.

Your overall analysis is bang on. The only problem is that not everyone is willing to be controlled or wants one person to always control the relationship. If that person fears losing control, they need to recalibrate themselves, as the situation is happening v. pulling back and then attempting to recalibrate everything, including the other person's emotions. It does nothing but cause uncertainty, enough that if it's a repetitive pattern, there's only a negative cost benefit.

[norajane]

I've seen this as well. I've known high-achieving people from both sexes and in general women who are high achieving are well -organized and incredible at time management. The men on the other hand are very bright as well, but put things off till the last minute and have to crunch.

 

No, it's not a matter of putting things off and then having to crunch.

 

It's more a matter that they start to feel like they've allowed themselves to get too involved in the relationship, and that makes them uneasy, like they are losing touch with the guy they think of themselves as being - the guy who is in control of himself, so how could a woman have gotten that close without him realizing?!

 

So then they have to go hunt tigers for a while or kick some footballs and feel back in control of their manly selves.

 

It often happens after a particularly "close" period between the couple, or when his friends tease him about never being around anymore because he's always with his girl.

[berrieh]

It's like a big game of Go, Go, Go...STOP, where one person is always in control.

 

Haha. Well, the guy actually called this afternoon, and I asked him what was up. Apparently, he felt like I'd backed off last week since I was busy with school ending... so he was just trying to follow suit. Perhaps I unknowingly do something that makes men back off right before they ask me to be their girlfriend!

 

Anyway, the guy and I are now official. He said he was afraid to ask me because he wasn't sure I would say "yes" but he was afraid to get more into things if I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was really cute. And reminds me that men and women aren't so different after all...

[CommitmentPhobe]

Haha. Well, the guy actually called this afternoon, and I asked him what was up. Apparently, he felt like I'd backed off last week since I was busy with school ending... so he was just trying to follow suit. Perhaps I unknowingly do something that makes men back off right before they ask me to be their girlfriend!

 

Anyway, the guy and I are now official. He said he was afraid to ask me because he wasn't sure I would say "yes" but he was afraid to get more into things if I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was really cute. And reminds me that men and women aren't so different after all...

 

Oh right, so he wasn't a withdrawer, a distancer, a control freak or a predictably bad male.

 

Nice to hear.

[Geishawhelk]

:laugh:

 

My partner is 70% withdrawn from our relationship.

 

He's currently up to his neck in his 3rd year at university, and his studies are seriously getting on top of him.

It's gotten to the point where we're like ships that pass in the night.

 

And you know what?

I'm sucking it up.

 

Because he knows he's doing it, he knows he's 'neglecting' me, but seriously, he can't in all honesty, multi-task right now.

 

And that's ok.

I accept that.

It stinks, at times.

It's hard work standing aside and giving books and texts centre stage.

But that's the way it has to be.

 

It happens.

And I know that if he was giving me the kind of attention I'd like right now, his work would suffer.

And that, in the long run - as part of the bigger picture - would be disastrous.

[norajane]

Your overall analysis is bang on. The only problem is that not everyone is willing to be controlled or wants one person to always control the relationship. If that person fears losing control, they need to recalibrate themselves, as the situation is happening v. pulling back and then attempting to recalibrate everything, including the other person's emotions. It does nothing but cause uncertainty, enough that if it's a repetitive pattern, there's only a negative cost benefit.

 

 

It can be very damaging. However, if their partner recognizes what they're doing, and they themselves are fairly independent, it's possible to just roll your eyes and blow it off as a quirk.

 

The real problem comes in, I think, when the distancer is in distancing mode and their partner happens to really NEED them and their support for whatever reason.