cherryade Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I think I have the opportunity to "date" a friend who I've only recently met up with after 10 years of not keeping contact. But it's only just over a month since I got dumped by my boyf of 2 1/2 years. Is it too soon? Would it be selfish? It's definitely not my intention to hurt my friend, and he knows about the ex, and has talked about me not being ready, but I'm aware that I could still end up hurting him - I don't know my real motivations for persuing this. But I have been thinking about it/him all day... Btw. I don't fully understand the concept of "dating". He hasn't asked directly, but I'm fairly sure that's what he's after since we have discussed the meaning of the word "dating", and he has booked us v expensive theatre tickets and wont let me pay for mine. I don't have the confidence to initiate anything. Especially as I don't think I could cope with any more rejection atm. Suggestions? Thoughts?
Tarantula Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Understand your feelings and encourage you to make your life new , but dating just for the sake of 'not being alone' after the previous relationship had ended ,would be at least selfish ,yes... Let some feelings appear , then date . God bless!
Tarantula Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 .....though if the date is just a date for the sake of date for both , and not promising anything more serious to him, then he will not get hurt God bless!
Benique Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Without dating you will not get to know the person the way you need to start a new happy life, so date and date.Cheers !
EmperorR Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Date, just take it slow. That's what I'm doing, screw my ex.
Author cherryade Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 so now we're "dating". I don't even know what that means! I've never dated. I've never kissed anyone except the ex. AND the added complication of the new guy being nearly a foot taller than me. How does that work?! Feeling slightly out of my depth here, but I'm gonna have to do it sometime, right? BTW, it was decided in an MSN conversation and I probably won't see him for a week or so.
alwayssme Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well first question do you like this guy? For me I wouldn't "rebound" because...well first I don't even understand what that means exactly...but I'm assuming you get with someone after you come out of a relationship because you miss having someone there and you feel lonely (and your not used to it sooo you want to replace your ex with that person for awhile??) But do you actually LIKE your rebound person" Because if you like them why would they be a rebound??? LOL if the rebound person is someone i see as "just a friend" i wouldnt do it...i'd rather be alone then have to force myself to like somebody...it makes me feel worse...
alone_confused Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 yes i think a rebound person is someone to help you get over your ex, well that is the purpose anyway, to make you feel special again, attractive, funny, valued, wanted, needed etc, I don't personally believe its a bad thing, why should we stay home and cry ourselves to sleep for the next year, get out there and have fun. I do repeat i have no issue with the whole rebound idea, but i believe it is only fair that you fully inform the person of your intentions, or lack there of, for example, I just got out of a long term relationship, I'm not sure what i want or need right now, so i would like things to be taken slow, on a casual level with no promises, if you are okay with that, great, if not, thats fine too.
TeaAbraham Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 No idea. I feel selfish thinking about dating another who I am not 100% totally interested in. I feel like a 50% attraction to another would be selfish on my part. Like eh, I feel like ****, I like this girl, kind of. I need someone to make me feel better, I'll go for it. And then I'll feel better knowing that I CAN get another girl, and end up hurting the girl because I was never 100% into her in the first place. I don't know. That's just me. I would love somebody to tell me that I'm wrong though. Maybe just start as friends and see how it goes? That's walking the edge of a sword though. You pose a good question, haha No matter what, SLOW is good. You can work out the quirks that you might be unsure about due to your confusion of coming out of a long relationship.
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 OP, what was your dynamic with this friend 10 years ago? How long had you known him when you lost/ended contact? As long as you're each aware and agreeable as to the risks, I think it would be a healthy transition back to being single and available. Err on the side of being conservative. I would only advise caution if this is a person of interest from your past and you or he risk revisiting or developing intimate feelings and know you're compatible. The newness and emotional process might hurt that dynamic. It might blow up and you'd lose that chance you might otherwise have had once you're healthier and more centered emotionally, both about yourself and dating/relationships. Be straight with him and be honest about your feelings, especially if you get scared. If he's a true friend, he'll understand and support you. Best wishes
MichiganMan222 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 How can it be selfish unless you make a commitment to a relationship with them? You are under no obligation to do such a thing just from dating; whether he ponies up for the tickets or not...that's his choice. Hell if if NOT on the rebound, you're still not obligated to do anything. If you find yourself getting close to him or intimate with him because it eases the pain of your breakup, then yeah, you're treading in selfishness by leading him on.
Melrapuo Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 If its a rebound type of situation, I'd only do that with someone who was looking for a rebound as well. Kind've just so the two of us each get what we want without having to put too many emotions into it. But make sure that it is set like that. Otherwise you're lying/using the other person for support. If he wants way more than you're willing to give, you have to let him know. The uneasiness will just build to a point where you'll have to tell him anyway. Don't worry, though. All good things come in time. : )
4by4 Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 I'm in a very similar situation. I have known a girl for a good 5 years, we lost contact and only recently started hanging out again. I can definitely feel the mutual attraction, we would sit in a car and talk crap for hours, joke, tease, flirt. We have met up several times over the past week, going to movies, dinners, bars and clubs. We went out last weekend and were actually holding hands for a brief moment, and I had her in my arm for a while too. If I hadn't come out of a relationship I would totally be going after her, but I'm still at that 50/50 stage. Although I honestly feel better and better each day. I have not officially made my feelings known to the new girl, but I probably will if my feelings develop. I don't think it's selfish even if you are not 100% into the other person as long as you take it slow, make sure he/she understands your situation and just be very casual. I have known cases where a seemingly "rebound" relationship works out. I would just be honest with the other person and be very careful. Honestly, if you are just out having a good time and getting to know someone more intimately. You have no bad intentions and just want to enjoy their company. Why should you feel any guilt? If you end up together that's great, just be sure you have taken your time and feel like you are over your ex.
Author cherryade Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 my original relationship with him isnt really relevant - we were just kids last time we knew eachother! i'm aware of the concept of rebounds, but i'v never experienced it so i can't really be sure it's not just a rebound. but i do think i have genuine feelings for him; there was a sudden pang when he was casually talking about a friend trying to set him up with one of her friends. but he wasnt interested. he's fully aware of my situation, and he even went as far to say he's in no rush - he'll wait till i'm ready. which is nice. i'm in no rush to get together with anyone, it's just sorta happened. which is the best way i guess...
melodymatters Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 my original relationship with him isnt really relevant - we were just kids last time we knew eachother! i'm aware of the concept of rebounds, but i'v never experienced it so i can't really be sure it's not just a rebound. but i do think i have genuine feelings for him; there was a sudden pang when he was casually talking about a friend trying to set him up with one of her friends. but he wasnt interested. he's fully aware of my situation, and he even went as far to say he's in no rush - he'll wait till i'm ready. which is nice. i'm in no rush to get together with anyone, it's just sorta happened. which is the best way i guess... Oh, you like him, just admit it ! just be honest as the posters above said, be kind, and take your time, whatever is meant to be, will be..... good luck and have fun !
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