11 years in and things are not right...

[sadmommy]

I've been married to my husband for almost 11 years now. We have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. We've had our share of problems in the past and when my 8 year old was 1 I saw a divorce attorney and told dh if things didn't change I was leaving. Now here we are. When my 2 year old was born dh asked me to quit my job and stay home with the kids. Dh has never, ever helped out around the house. He won't cook, do dishes, bathe the kids, take out trash, do laundry, all he does here is sit on the couch glued to the tv. So I quit my job b/c I couldn't see doing everything by myself and tending to both kids.

 

Last year at this time this seemed to be going fine. I've accepted the fact that he won't help out and I'm fine with doing it all as long as he continues to work and be a good provider which he is. On our anniversary last year he bought me a huge anniversary ring and I truly felt that I was happy and things were fine.

 

Now we are coming up on our anniversary and something has changed. He says he loves me but he shows absolutely no interest in me otherwise. He doesn't kiss me or anything else for that matter. SInce I've been staying home with the kids nothing has changed about me. In fact IMO it's gotten better. I've worked really hard and lost 40 pounds. So I wouldn't think my looks are putting him off. I'm afraid to even bring this up with him b/c I don't want him seeing me cry about it. Mostly b/c I don't know if I'm crying b/c he's not interested or if I'm crying b/c I'm truly unhappy and just want out of the marriage. I'm only 29 and I feel like there's more to life than this.

 

Dh is working today and I hate to interrupt him but at the same time I've truly had enough and I want to know right now where things are going. If they really are going downhill then I need to find a job and fast.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry but you really are going to have to bite the bullet and tell him something is up.

He's negligent, I can understand that, but he's not psychic.

 

I'm sure you are completely justified in feeling the way you do.

And I know staying at home to care for two children with far-apart ages, is really challenging....I had two girls 7 years apart.

Childcare at any time, is chsallenging, and right now you feel as if you're doing a thankless unpaid task, climbing a mountain of jelly (or jell-o, as it's known in USA....).

 

But he needs to know.

You stayed all this time, and have tolerated a great deal.

Now it's your turn.

And come what may, you are as important as he is when it comes to being considered within the relationship.

It should be 50-50.

 

If it isn't, you may have to show him what it's like to have a 100% of Zero.

[Touche]

Actually, it should be 100%/100%.

 

But yes, I agree. You need to tell him how you're feeling. How do you know he won't give you more of what you need from him unless you ask him for it?

 

I don't think you should interrupt him at work for this...wrong time.

 

Get a babysitter and go out. And approach this in a way that looks like you're not blaming him. Tell him that you want to work together to make things as good as they can be. Tell him you have high expectations for a marriage and that right now those expectations aren't being met. And then ask him what YOU can do to change that. Ask him first what HE needs and the conversation should go from there with each of you telling the other what you need from each other without being accusatory or placing blame.