I made the fatal mistake....

[v33dubber]

Hi there my name is Joe,i'm married with 5 kids & have/had the most wonderful life in the world(trouble was I couldnt see it) until I made the fatal mistake of having an affair,not just any affair though,You see I am reaching 38 & I fell for the advances & games of a very devious 19 yr old,what makes it worse ? I have 2 daughters the same age,how would I feel if it were them,well lets not go there(hypocrite or what).

I started a job in beside my wife as a maintainence man at a care home,I wont bore you with all the details,but part of my job was to take care assistant to hospital with the residents who had appointments.I made the fatal mistake of giving the care assistant in question my number to contact me direct to go back & collect them,before I knew it I had a text message from her saying "here is my number if you want it" I never thought anything of it as I didnt realise at the start who's number it was until the next text telling me who it was,the next day the messages started getting a bit "friendlier",Now please dont think at anytime during this I am trying to exonerate my part in this,I totally hold my hands up to my part in this.

At 38 & not having much of an upbringing,I stupidly was flattered by the advances of this 19 yr old making me feel like a teenager again,I will spare everyone the gory details,but lets just say that I now know that even though my teenage years were lost there is NOTHING I can do to regain them,this affair has made me realise something I should have realised long before it happened & probably before that everything that I already had in front of me,my beautiful wife,my pain in the ass kids,who I love dearly & most of all my wonderful life,I didnt need to feel like a teenager again,my wife made me feel like a man & my kids made me feel like a teenager,so I do agree that women do mature before men,so to any guys out there reading this contemplating the same thing,please take my advice now..DONT DO IT..it aint worth destroying the perfect life you actually have in front of you,just open ur eyes & see it.

"wife", I know that you will read this & I just want you to know in front of all these witnesses that I love you & will do anything to have you back.

[Athena]

Hi there. So, you now experienced the 'grass on the other side' and realized what you actually have is much better.

 

Although you have hurt and betrayed your wife so badly maybe, just maybe, she will give you this ONE chance to 'come right'.

 

I have read that some people only ever cheat once in their lives. And that is enough for them to 'learn their lesson'. Now, if you fall under that category of cheaters, then I say to your wife, "Take him back, but with VERY clear boundaries".

I certainly hope you are not one of the other types, the type of cheater who realizes that he actually got away with what he did, and with marriage and family intact, continues to stray every now and again... Those serial cheaters should not be forgiven time and again (I should know -- I am married to one).

 

However, know that you will have to be very, very, open with your thoughts, and your actions. Let her look at whatever she wants to look at, and let her ask whatever she wants to ask you. Yes, you will get irked by her questions, but it will help her heal.

 

Of course it is possible for the two of you to repair this damage caused, but you might want to consider the help of a professional marriage counselor to guide the process. Good luck.

[Athena]

I also want to add that I HATE THE WAY MY H SAYS HE 'MADE A MISTAKE'.

 

It's not a 'mistake'... it's a DECISION he, and you made... every step of the way you could have made a different choice, but you chose to continue with the affair until it was consummated.

 

Eh... you may now see your actions as Wrong... but I don't believe it was your 'mistake' as in 'whoops, I didn't realize what I was doing'... nope, when you have an affair it is the most clear-thinking go-ahead decision-making ever (and I am not talking about a one night stand when you are drunk and the opportunity is there, although that isn't excusable either)... I am just telling you that your calling it a 'mistake' kinda excuses what you very intentionally chose to do every single step of the way. Right?

[fingersniffer]

I also want to add that I HATE THE WAY MY H SAYS HE 'MADE A MISTAKE'.

 

It's not a 'mistake'... it's a DECISION he, and you made... every step of the way you could have made a different choice, but you chose to continue with the affair until it was consummated.

 

Thank you so much for saying that, so often my STBXW made it sound like she was forced into screwing Him, like she was dragged to motels, forced to book rooms and then raped or something. It is so very much a hugely concious descion that she made - repeatedly - and its reprocusions are that she annd I are not going to see out the dreams and hope that we had. Grrrrrr. who am i fooling? We had! I had.

 

v33dubber: you are a fool. And now, you are a cheat. I am not going to offer adviese to you as it is a person like you that ruined my life. I hope yours sucks half as much as mine does.

[v33dubber]

Thank you Athena for your comments,I am indeed one of the "I will never do it again" type,I truly love my wife & although what I have done doesnt point to that fact,The saying you dont know what you have till its gone is very very true & I wholey admit I lost sight of that,but I would never do this ultimately halfwitted thing to my family again.

I have come on here only to let people know I am not hiding from what I have done nothing else.

Fingersniffer I am truly sorry to have been one of those people,I never truly thought I was but I proved myself wrong & for that now I am truly sorry,I am not a serial cheater I made this stupid DECISION only once & never again as I couldnt bear to see the look I see now on wife & kids faces.

Once again thank you for your comments.

[annieo]

So do you think your wife is going to forgive you eventually? You're in for a long wait, my friend, and a lot of guilt and pain all around.

And by the way, I flinched when I read the word "devious" used to describe the girl you had the affair with. I will admit, there are females out there who get a real sense of power getting happily married men to sleep with them. I knew one of these types in university. She probably used you for a little self-esteem boost, to prove to herself that she is irresistible.

However, do yourself a favour and do NOT place any of the blame for this (even indirectly) at the feet of the girl who "seduced" you, especially to your wife.

Attractive women get attention pretty frequently from men, and it's not an excuse to have an affair. If I slept with every man who ever showed an interest, I'd be into the triple digits by now. It's not any different because you are male. YOU let things get out of hand, YOU screwed up. Remember that.

[Enema]

How did your wife find out that you cheated?

 

You tried a couple times to make excuses and blame-shift in your post:

 

- Devious, game playing 19 year old

- Didn't get much ass as a teen

 

Pretty transparent.

[Athena]

I made this stupid DECISION only once & never again as I couldnt bear to see the look I see now on wife & kids faces.

 

This, to me, is the most positive comment I read on your replies... if you can honestly SEE and empathize with your wife and children's pain as a result of your actions, it is indeed a very hopeful sign that you are capable of change.

 

I understand that some people might enjoy the fantasy-come-true aspect of having a quick shag with someone outside of their marriage (thinking that no harm's done, and no one will find out), however infidelity usually has a way of surfacing. When you stop to think of the pain you will undoubtedly cause your family (and you have seen this pain now, firsthand) then that truly will be a deterrent.

 

But even more importantly -- it shows that you are capable of seeing and reacting to the hurt your wife is experiencing, and you obviously love her enough not to want to do that to her again, nor risk losing her, despite any other future randy 19 yr old nymphs coming your way. The temptation is always going to be there, it's your reasons for NOT straying that should be put firmly in place.

[whichwayisup]

Get a full physical done, both you and your wife to make sure there's no STD's. Then get your butt to marriage counselling, together and on your own. Use the same counsellor for both.

 

Work as hard as you can to prove to your wife that you are worthy of a chance to show her that she can love you, trust you, have faith in you again. BE an open book. Allow her access to your email, cell, whatever - She HAS to know she can check up on you and see there's nothing being hidden.

 

I DO hope the 19 year old is out of your life forever. That means NO contact at all with her, not even a glimpse of a hello or a nod towards her. NOTHING.

 

Because of your 5 kids, the marriage should be given another chance but it will take many years to rebuild and make the marriage strong. For your sake, I hope your wife has it in her to give you that chance, and if she does give you that chance - Make sure you adore your wife for the special woman she is.

 

Good luck.

[v33dubber]

Enema I am sorry if you feel that I tried to shift blame in my posts,but this is not true,as I said in my post I fully hold my hands up to what I have done & I will do anything in my power & my miserable existence to make up for this & show to my wife & kids that I have been a silly old fool.As I said at no time whatsoever in my first post was I trying to shift blame,YES I made the decision,YES I fully accept what is coming to me,I love my family with all my heart & soul,but as I said I lost sight of that.

The devious 19yr old comment was made purely because I have now found out that this female seems to make a hobby of this & I'm not the first & probably wont be the last,but YES I made the decision,I didnt intenionally go out to do this,I let myself be sucked up in a whirlwind of follishness & unadulterated idiocy.As for the comment on not getting enough ass when I was 19,this also is not the case,without people thinking I am looking for sympathy,WHICH I AM NOT,what I meant by my comment was that my teenage years were taken away from me by a mother who physically & mentally abused me from the age of 5 & a "STEPDAD" who tried to drown me(at this point now I wish he had succeeded & I wouldnt be here to have caused this pain to my wife & kids) but who also decided to sexually abuse from 12 to 14yrs the first occasion being while my mother was lying next to drunk & all this I still carry with me,but which I am now seeking help for & also to try in some way to repair this damage I have caused.That is what I meant about lost teenage years & I know a lot of people will say yeah but thats your past but I have suffered mental torture for 30 yrs now to the point now that I could have possibly ruined the one good thing I had in my life but couldnt see in front of me because I was going around digging holes trying to bury my past but falling into the holes I was digging,this time I have dug a doozy & all I can do is slowly crawl back out of it,lay myself bare & hopefully have my family back in my life.

I have come on this forum because my wife sent me the link to myself bare in front of everyone on here who has been hurt by a person like me & let my wife know that I truly do love & miss her & would rather lose a limb than hurt her in this way again.

 

Thank you for your time.

Joe

[whichwayisup]

WHICH I AM NOT,what I meant by my comment was that my teenage years were taken away from me by a mother who physically & mentally abused me from the age of 5 & a "STEPDAD" who tried to drown me(at this point now I wish he had succeeded & I wouldnt be here to have caused this pain to my wife & kids) but who also decided to sexually abuse from 12 to 14yrs the first occasion being while my mother was lying next to drunk & all this I still carry with me,but which I am now seeking help for & also to try in some way to repair this damage I have caused

 

Sorry to hear about your past in your childhood. Noone should have to suffer like that. I am glad that you're seeking help with this because it almost ruined what you have now.

 

Work on you, fix what's broken and hopefully your wife will see the changes, and take you back.

[Athena]

Hey Joe,

 

You sound like a decent guy, and I understand you have bared your chest here on this forum b/c you are trying to show your wife you are willing to come right.

 

To your wife --why don't YOU post here? Are you willing to take him back and forgive him? It sounds like he has been through hell and back, and now stupidly put you through hell and back, but looks like he is intent and willing to change.

 

God knows, my H would NEVER bare himself on this forum!

[signedin2008]

I have come on this forum because my wife sent me the link to myself bare in front of everyone on here who has been hurt by a person like me & let my wife know that I truly do love & miss her & would rather lose a limb than hurt her in this way again.

 

Thank you for your time.

Joe

 

We need more information about your situation:

 

1) How long have you been having this affair and when did it end?

 

2) How many times have you slept with her and did you use protection? If not, have you been tested for STD? What bout your wife?

 

3) How did your wife find out? Is that the reason why the affair ended?

 

4) What's your living situation now?

 

5) Is your wife open for any possibility for reconciliation? (If she is not, you can't blame her).

 

6) How old are your kids? What's your relationship with them now?

[v33dubber]

We need more information about your situation:

 

1) How long have you been having this affair and when did it end?

 

2) How many times have you slept with her and did you use protection? If not, have you been tested for STD? What bout your wife?

 

3) How did your wife find out? Is that the reason why the affair ended?

 

4) What's your living situation now?

 

5) Is your wife open for any possibility for reconciliation? (If she is not, you can't blame her).

 

6) How old are your kids? What's your relationship with them now?

 

1) 2 weeks.

 

2)I slept with her once but lost erection & mind numbingly stupidly no I didnt wear a condom because I really thought she would never turn up,my wife has been tested for an std & possibly(but I hope to God not)she may have one.I am going for tests asap.

 

3) I ended the affair but the female had other plans & had already set the wheels in motion by telling work colleagues after the first meeting,as she told one work colleage I have since found out "that it was part of the thrill & danger being caught & she was loving it"

 

4) My living stuation at the moment ?I'm living in HELL.

 

5)Yes we are talking through things now & she says she wants me back(thank God).

 

6) My kids are 19,19,17,15 & 10,my relationship with them now ? Strained & trying to prove to them I am sorry from the bottom of my heart also.

[signedin2008]

What are you willing to do to recover your marriage? What are you willing to do to help your wife heal? What are you willing to do to restore her trust again?

[v33dubber]

What are you willing to do to recover your marriage? What are you willing to do to help your wife heal? What are you willing to do to restore her trust again?

 

Everything/anything,but most of all be totally open & honest with her & NEVER even contemplate anything as stupid & idiotic as this again because as I realise now she is worth a whole more to me thaan I had ever realised before,I love her,I married her because I love her & I will always love her.

[angie2443]

1) 6) My kids are 19,19,17,15 & 10,my relationship with them now ? Strained & trying to prove to them I am sorry from the bottom of my heart also.

 

You slept with someone the same age as a couple of your children. You seem to have unhealthy bounderies here. In all honesty, this is going to make your children's skin crawl, although they most likely won't tell you this. I hope your other bounderies with your children are intact.

[advise2008]

Everything/anything,but most of all be totally open & honest with her & NEVER even contemplate anything as stupid & idiotic as this again because as I realise now she is worth a whole more to me thaan I had ever realised before,I love her,I married her because I love her & I will always love her.

 

I would like to share some personal advice, experience and suggestion with you. Hopefully, it can help you with your recovery if your wife chooses to do so. You can reach me [email protected]

[vnqsh2001]

I also want to add that I HATE THE WAY MY H SAYS HE 'MADE A MISTAKE'.

 

It's not a 'mistake'... it's a DECISION he, and you made... every step of the way you could have made a different choice, but you chose to continue with the affair until it was consummated.

 

Eh... you may now see your actions as Wrong... but I don't believe it was your 'mistake' as in 'whoops, I didn't realize what I was doing'... nope, when you have an affair it is the most clear-thinking go-ahead decision-making ever (and I am not talking about a one night stand when you are drunk and the opportunity is there, although that isn't excusable either)... I am just telling you that your calling it a 'mistake' kinda excuses what you very intentionally chose to do every single step of the way. Right?

 

Athena, I think the mistake that adulterers make is letting the first domino fall. They begin to allow that first excuse to creep into their heads; then more follow until it reaches the conclusion. So in a sense, a mistake was made. No, the act of sex wasn't the mistake, but the thoughts leading up to it were. It's like the first pebble dropped at the top of a mountain that eventually covers everything in an avalanche.