Benique Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Never was fond of clattering or gossiping,so am keeping all issues of my heart aches in myself . I am a mother of twins.Twin daughters,25 years old already . Both of them are still single,but only one had been in the marriage.It was the most painful relationship a woman can and may have in life as her marriage lasted exactly 28 days... He appeared in her life 8 years ago.Even a bit more. 8 years ago they got married,and 6 months before their wedding he was all after her.Flowers,chocolates,love letters...He showed her love which she was dreaming of at her age of 16. And she told us,her parents,that was in true love with this guy. The moment she became 17 years old,they married and divorced in just 4 weeks .. He blames me ... that I was to blame as was interfering in their affairs.But they lived separatedly from parents,and all I had been doing was just advising my daughter ... AM I TO BLAME ? They met only once during this period.His demand was to loose touch with mother ,me .. My daughter did not agree ... and went on suffering from love to him .. I am so sorry to write such a long letter ,but the feelings and emotions are suffocating me . My baby was waiting for him for 8 years ,and he got married with a young girl just a week ago ... Got married. You can understand the feelings and emotions of my daughter now. She DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME,SHE DOES NOT WANT TO EAT THE MEALS I PREPARE FOR THE FAMILY,SHE IS JUST OUT OF FAMILY LIFE FOR THIS WEEK ... HOW LONG WILL IT GO ON? I AM SO SUFFERING ...
Surfer Dude Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. That man is obviously incredibly possessive and a control freak if he wanted her to kick you out of her life. Are you sure you didn't do anything to upset him at some point, unwittingly? Who am I to judge, but people are still kids below the age of 20, they are barely ready for life, I'm not so sure it was a good idea to let her get married so soon. Even older people do stupid things and mess up relationship, I don't know how a child could bear such a responsibility. Tell your daughter that there are great men out there and that she shouldn't be wasting any more time on this man, 8 years is enough.
gd26 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I am sorry about your daughter's situation. She must have been hoping for the last 8 years that he would mature and come back to her someday. That is why hearing about her ex-husband's marriage must be very hurtful to her - even though they parted ways years ago. You said he just got married last week, thus you can expect her despair/depression to perhaps last some time. It could be a few weeks or a few months. All you can do is offer your love and support to her as a mother. Her reaction seems pretty normal. I remember 4 years ago when I heard that my ex was engaged, I was rather depressed too for a few months and had trouble eating and sleeping. If you still notice her depression symptoms lasting for several weeks, then you might want to see if she is willing to go to professional counseling. But for now, just support her and see if her mood picks up in a few weeks. As far as what happened when she was 17, I am glad that he didn't convince her to break off all contact with you. The fact that he wanted to isolate her from her family is a big danger sign. Men who do that are often abusive, which is why they try to isolate their girlfriend or spouse from family or friends. Even though your daughter suffered a lot from that short marriage, I am glad that she was able to get out and didn't get stuck in an abusive relationship. If she had children with this man, she could have really gotten stuck. So it may actually have been a blessing that she was able to get away. I hope someday both your daughters find men who love them dearly, but men who are emotionally healthy for them.
Author Benique Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Thank you very much for your hearty responses . I needed your support a lot as having this ALL in me is a great burden . I do not open my heart to anyone and no one can know what sorrow is there in my heart now .. I am supporting her as much as possible,though she is rejecting all my help and support being rude to me as if it was Me who made them divorced and forced them to stay separated... Yes,he was possessive and abusive. My daughter told me in just a month after the divorce that he had beaten her also and his sexmaking style was very dominant ...she was in shock at their first night ... she was just 17 years old,and never had any excessive sex drives or inclinations to that side of life .. was always tender and so gentle .. We, both with my husband, had been very trying to persuade her not to marry so early, but she believed she met him she was reading about in romantic novels .. so young she was ...what else could she think of?
quankanne Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 benique, as much as this is killing you, you need to be the voice of sanity, that fixed guiding star for your daughter, even though she's blaming the wrong person for the end of her marriage. At some point, she's going to meet the man she's truly meant to be with, someone who is going to teach her what love *really* is, and the scales will fall from her eyes about her ex, about the failed marriage, about the love a parent has for their child. so keep the faith, mama. Because more than anything, she needs you to do that, even though she can't see that now. FYI, what you've written about your former SiL marrying another girl? it's a sickening thought, but this is what abusers do: Find someone vulnerable mentally and emotionally, and groom them and isolate them so they can abuse them. I think that deep down, your daughter understood this, and kept you as a lifeline, and she's going to see it again once she works past the hurt. hugs, quank
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