atwitsend Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Sorry if this gets wordy. I've been married 29 yrs, and am 49. I love my wife deeply and I know she loves me. Our problem is our sex life. I have always had to contend with her low sex drive. I have always made her pleasure a priority when we make love. The real problem is her response. Every time I try to start the romance I generally get two responses. A face that looks like she thinks "yuk" or the "you're number 8 on the list and my list only goes to 7" look. I have tried everything to cultivate a positive response from her. I tell her how beautiful she is. I help with chores. Bring her flowers. I tell her I love her and that she is my world (which she is). I have been able to deal with this over the years but something changed. We just became empty nesters and it forced me to look at our relationship and what we want for our future. I have focused on us getting closer but I can tell she is satisfied with the way things are. And is even acting impatient with the added attention. We have seen counselors in the past over this issue. But I always get the "that's just the way I am" response. I have told her that I am unhappy and that I don't want to make love to her until she can convince me that our love life is a "get to" and not a "got to". I can't look down the road at the next 30 years feeling like this. Thoughts?
Benique Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Explain her how much important for you sex life is . If that does not work out ,and you are not fond of sexual changes in your married life, then seek some other interests and hobbies except for sex . You may go into arts,expressing sexuality in different ways.Though it won`t be making love,but it will stroke your stamina.
Geishawhelk Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Leave. Or stay for more of the same. Your choice.
anne1707 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 This is such a difficult situation. You clearly love your wife but a crucial part of marriage is physical intimacy. Does your wife avoid all forms of contact e.g. kissing, cuddling - or is it lovemaking she seems to want to avoid? Also when you have been to counselling, have you actually gone to specialist sex counselling? Do you see this is just a problem in the physical apsects of your relationship or are there other problems and this is a resulting symptom? Sorry - I know this is just more questions but I think these things are helpful in trying to understand your situation and how you can deal with it.
Author atwitsend Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 She accepts kissing and hugging but does consider them an interruption half the time. I ask her if she loves me and she tells me that she "does not want to be with anyone else". That sure floats the boat.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I sense deception in her reactions and responses to your overtures and inquiries. Is it remotely possible that she has had or is having an affair for she shows many signs of dissonance that result from realigning her loyalties to someone else? You won't get a truthful answer from her on this issue so don't bother asking her upfront. You need to snoop and get independent third party corroboration before you'll have the truth. Don't be like so many other LSers that staunchly refuse to consider this notion until it's too late lest you find your life in shambles wondering what happened some day. Look up the posts of Singledad and Ilovenewyork to understand what I mean!
anne1707 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I'm sorry but jumping to the conclusion she may be having an affair seems a bit harsh. There are other issues to consider. Unfortunately there are some women who have a real problem with sex and find it uncomfortable - this may be the issue. What about the menopause - may be she is having a difficult time and again that would impact on her sex drive. I think it would be worth not focussing on the end result of having sex. Making it clear to your wife that when you want to kiss and cuddle, it is not to have sex but just because you love her and love being with her and not taking it further. If the focus moves away from having sex then it may make her feel more relaxed with you and more welcoming of taking things to the next stage. I really do think however that some kind of proper sex therapy may help (have been through this myself and it does work). Make time for each other and make your wife feel special. Time for just the two of you to talk, have fun and remind yourselves why you wanted to be together in the first place.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I agree with Ann. It may be a medical issue but for the time you've spent together consider working on it with professionals and work on the sex issues and why you were together in the first place. It might be as easy as changing your approach and that you want to be with her and not just for sex every time.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 The only reason the question begs regarding the possibility of an affair is because she not only recoils from sex with her husband but also from his touch as well. And when posed the simple question of "Do you love me" she gave the slippery response of "I don't want to be with anyone else". WTF?!! I think the OP should probe deeper by at least asking "Why do you want to remain married to me if you don't want my touch, affection, or intimacy"?
Author atwitsend Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 No its not that there is anyone else. Hell I can't be sure if there's me. She's just complacent and comfortable. I'm a good looking and successful businessman and am trying to wake her up. If you want to make a marriage work nowadays (with the internet and availability of endless hook-ups) it takes effort. Not that I would cheat on her. I'd try separation first. In hopes it would wake her up.
PWSX3 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 There could be many reasons, my W or stbxw of 26 yrs was sexually abused in her teens & it ha affected our marriage up to when she moved out even though she tried working on the issues a couple years ago...... Have you thought of going to a retreat for help? If you love her & sex is the only issue then it would be well worth working on it & trying to figure out why....Maybe go to a sex therapist as well.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 You know PWSX3, I was just about to comment on that issue but you beat me to the punch!
Author atwitsend Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Wow. Had a long talk with the wife about our sex life. It was like a light just turned on. My wife has literally NO imagination when it comes to us being together. I'm serious. She does not think about us having sex E-V-E-R. No wonder why I get the responses I get. It is literally like living with a sexual amnesiac. Don't get me wrong she climaxes 70% of the time and loves it once we get started. At least now I know what I have to do. I just have to leave post it notes around the house (in different colors) telling her to expect a proposition from me tonight. This blows me away. I now consider my self a sexual giant! Considering her condition, I hit the jack pot on a consistent basis. And the other benefit of this malady is I am now positive that she is not fantasizing about any other men either. It puts a new twist on things when she says "I don't want to be with anyone else". Thanks for all the advice. LOL
anne1707 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Anticipation - it's a wonderful aphrodisiac. I guess you will be on your way to the stationery store Happy posting!!!
signedin2008 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Well, the good news is she is not cheating.
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