Is MM stalling?

[ilovenewyork]

Hi

 

I really need your honest advice. Please help me.

 

To cut a long story short - I am a married woman having an affair with a married man who has a four year old boy. We have been in this affair for nine months.

 

Please don't judge me. I need help.

 

We are in love and want to leave our respective spouses and start a life together. If the affair was just about sex it would almost be easier but it's simply not.

 

My MM has tried numerous times to end things amicably, all he wants is access to his boy and to pay his way - leaving her the house and everything in it so her life isn't uprooted. He is unable to have an adult conversation about this and despite the marriage having broken down which she has admitted she will not accept it's over and threatens suicide, threatens he will never see his boy again, even threatens to go to the authorities and lie about his treatment of her and her son. She has a big issue about the stigma of divorce and being a single parent and would rather stay in the marriage and save face than split. Her reactions when he attempts to discuss the future have now got to the stage where she totally flips and starts throwing things causing damage to furniture/my MM. My MM is so worried about her mental state now he is worried about the effect on his son.

 

In a nutshell he says he feels trapped and like a hostage in his own home.

 

He told me last week that our plan of ending things at home would not be in the new year as planned, he just didn't know when as he didn't feel he could leave and risk losing his son (I do believe what he has said about her as I know her and have seen her in action - very scary). I want to end the affair, leave our spouses and start as a proper couple. The affair is making me ill, the guilt, the sneaking around, the life on hold etc.

 

He was going to end things in September. Then in the New Year. And now ...well he doesn't know when. He is desperately unhappy and very very depressed.

 

Last week I kind of got angry and said he needed to be a man and if he loved me enough he would find a way and it's all or nothing with me and I ended all contact. I have backtracked - yeah yeah I know how stupid that is - I just can't go no contact with him. Neither of us want this.

 

What would you do? The crux of it is my life is on hold, how do I know he will ever leave? I plan to leave my husband in the new year regardless as our marriage is over. I just feel devastated as we are in love and although I know it must be horrendous for him I wonder if he is a cake-eater/stringing me along?

 

He has said he only wants my happiness and has been totally upfront and said he will respect any decision I make. I deserve better etc.

 

I love him and can't believe that's it. I am worried for him as he is so down and does seem trapped. He loves his son so much and is terrified of losing him.

 

Would you just carry on the affair or finish things? The thought of finishing it is harder than carrying on knowing we are still on hold. But at least I would know what I was doing.

 

I adore this man.

 

But what about me?

 

Advice please.

[anne1707]

I'm curious. Have you been on that holiday with your husband yet? Only a couple of weeks ago, you were talking about that and how you were going to use that time to focus on your husband. I just wondered whether you had been away and how that had gone.

 

I have also got to say that as a MW who had an affair, the things your MM is saying are all being said to put you off. I said equivalent things to the OM because I did not plan to leave my husband (and am still with him now). I know that is not what you want to hear but you have to face up to that and not plan anything around him. Your thoughts should be based purely on whether you want to stay with your husband or not. If you do, end the affair. If you don't then leave your husband - and again you are stalling this with "not until the New Year" so I suspect you are not entirely sure that you want to end your marriage. Certainly your previous posts have indicated a desire to end the affair and look to your marriage.

 

Sort yourself and whatever is going to happen to your marriage first.

[wuggle]

I am doing my best not to judge, honestly, but you say 'your life is on hold' what about your husands ??. I presume the holiday didn't help one way or the other??. All your thoughts seem to be with the MM not your husband, IMO you should leave your husband and become single, get your own place and then see if the MM wants to live with you, it might be that he just doesn't have the guts to move until he has another home setup to move to, a lot of people need the security, maybe you do as well which is why your not leaving your husband ??. If he moves in with you fine, if not he probably never was going to. Either way, everyone, you your husband and the mm can get on with the rest of your lives.

[MichelleS1983]

My MM has tried numerous times to end things amicably, all he wants is access to his boy and to pay his way - leaving her the house and everything in it so her life isn't uprooted.

I'm assuming you both live in the United States. Everyone knows that no court of law in the US is going to allow his wife to keep him from seeing his kid. This isn't 1958 - fathers have plenty of rights now. The only way he'd be prohibited from seeing his son is if he's proved to be abusive or an unfit parent. So his argument about fearing that he'll be cut off from his son is bull.

 

He is unable to have an adult conversation about this and despite the marriage having broken down which she has admitted she will not accept it's over and threatens suicide, threatens he will never see his boy again, even threatens to go to the authorities and lie about his treatment of her and her son.

I'm being dead serious when I ask this quesion. You KNOW this because he TOLD you this, or were you in the room when they had this conversation? Seriously, were you in the room and did you hear her threaten suicide and did you hear her threaten to go to the authorities and lie about how he treats his kid? If not, then you can only assume this is what was said by his wife. Unless you live with them 24 hours a day, you really DON'T know what his wife is thinking. You don't.

 

She has a big issue about the stigma of divorce and being a single parent and would rather stay in the marriage and save face than split.

Again, this is tripe being fed to you by your married boyfriend whose cheating and lying. You need to reconcile with the fact that his views are going to be a little JADED and more than likely dishonest. He lies on a daily basis - never forget that. I'm sure her side of the story is going to be somewhat different than his. And might I also remind you that when this woman got pregnant 5 years ago, she DIDN'T do it thinking she'd be raising this kid ALONE. Of course she wants to keep her marriage and her family unit intact. I'm honestly amazed that you comment on this as though she's WRONG to want to do that.

 

Do any of us have kids HOPING to be deserted and become single parents 3, 4 or 5 years down the road? Where's your compassion for God's sakes?

 

Her reactions when he attempts to discuss the future have now got to the stage where she totally flips and starts throwing things causing damage to furniture/my MM. My MM is so worried about her mental state now he is worried about the effect on his son.

And I'm going to ask this question AGAIN. You know this for FACT because.....? Oh yes, because he told you this happened. I'll repeat myself again - unless you were THERE in the room when this happened, you only have his word that it did (and admittedly, his word isn't much - he's lying and cheating, remember?)

 

In a nutshell he says he feels trapped and like a hostage in his own home.

LOL. I've been reading OW and infidelity boards for years. Do you have any idea HOW many times I've read this same garbage over and over and over? That the poor MM is "trapped" because his crazy, violent wife is mentally imbalanced and the poor, poor MM must stay in the home because he fears for his kid's life? If you had ANY idea how many times MM have used this ridiculous excuse to stay in the marital home you'd actually be embarrassed to have even posted it.

 

He told me last week that our plan of ending things at home would not be in the new year as planned, he just didn't know when as he didn't feel he could leave and risk losing his son (I do believe what he has said about her as I know her and have seen her in action - very scary).

Well, since you two claim she's 'scary' and 'mental,' SURELY he knew this going INTO your affair - no? Surely he KNEW this back when he first began plotting to leave her and his child - no? Or was this mental instability very SUDDEN and it's changed all your plans?

 

I want to end the affair, leave our spouses and start as a proper couple. The affair is making me ill, the guilt, the sneaking around, the life on hold etc.

He's not leaving. Whether you choose to waste more of your time on a dead-end like this is really up to you.

 

He was going to end things in September.

I'm sure she was "scary and mental" back in September, right?

 

Then in the New Year.

She's still "scary and mental," so what would be any different in the New Year?

 

And now ...well he doesn't know when.

I guess when she's no longer "scary and mental" he can make his move.

 

What would you do?

Being completely honest, I would never be a part of asking a man to desert his wife and kid for ME. I was an OW many years ago and my now xMM had a 2 year old kid back then. Never ONCE did I ever ask him to desert his family. EVER. I knew that my role was mostly that of an escape for him because he wasn't overly happy in his marriage. I was a fantasy - an escape. He claimed his undying love for me every single day but when you peeled away all the sweet words and everything else, I was nothing more than an escape for him.

 

You just need to keep that in perspective.

 

The crux of it is my life is on hold, how do I know he will ever leave?

Well, if he's claiming that she's "mentally unstable," do you honestly think she's magically going to wake up one morning, right as rain, and that's when he can make his move? He's ALWAYS going to use that excuse because he doesn't plan on leaving. He fantasizes about a new life with you but he's not going to make it happen. He's staying right where he is and his excuse - used by literally MILLIONS of other MM - is that his wife is unstable and he fears for his kid. Geez, you'd think these guys would get some new material. Of course, some of them lie and claim their wives have cancer or some other horrible disease, and they simply can't leave because they'd be a slime if they did. That's another one they use quite a bit. But the most common one is that old standby, "my wife is crazy and will hurt my kid!" excuse.

 

I just feel devastated as we are in love and although I know it must be horrendous for him I wonder if he is a cake-eater/stringing me along?

Most women have much more courage than men. Men are complete sissys and stay where they are. Women have the courage to leave a bad marriage. I think the stats are like 80% of divorces are initiated by women. No big surprise there. Men, however, will stay where they are out of a sense of duty, guilt, and a desire to NOT look like the bad guy. And trust me, if he deserts his wife and small child for another woman, people will think he's a scumbag (I would think that about him, too).

 

I love him and can't believe that's it. I am worried for him as he is so down and does seem trapped. He loves his son so much and is terrified of losing him.

I'm again calling bullsh*t on this excuse. No court in the land is going to take his kid away from him unless he's PROVED unfit as a parent. But here's a thought - since his wife is so horribly INSANE, why doesn't HE go for full custody of his kid? Since you both claim she's so scary and mentally imbalanced - and has threatened suicide and he fears for his kid's welfare being around this nutcase - why hasn't he started the legal steps of getting this poor kid away from his crazed monster of a mother? I'm sure if she's as crazy as he claims, a psychiatric evaluation will more than seal her fate and he can probably get full custody.

 

I find it kind of odd that he leaves his kid in the care of a woman every single day whom he claims is mentally imbalanced. One would assume that he'd be HOME every single second he could be, trying to make sure his kid is properly being taken care of - since his wife is a nutter and all. Yet, strangely enough, he's NOT doing that. He's spending a good portion of his free time with you rather than being home and making sure his kid is alright.

 

Are you starting to realize how ridiculous his story is?

[ilovenewyork]

Yes even typing it out I realise how ridiculous it sounds. And how ridiculous I sound.

 

I consider myself an intelligent, sensible, honest, level headed good person.

 

This affair has taken all of those qualities away from me and turned me into a clueless pathetic naive love struck unfaithful unhappy woman.

 

I am going to end it with him today.

 

My husband and I are over - I was trying to do the right thing by comitting to it but my heart isn't in it.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum for your honest advice. Going to go and sort my life out.

 

Thanks again

[lkjh]

Go read forbiddenfruits threads, she has been doing the same thing as you for about 3 years(ignoring everyones advice). He is not going to leave because he has no plans to. Leave your husband but be honest with him. If you can not tell the truth you will always be a liar, cheater, and just plane out cruel person. Do not wait because one month from now you are going to change your plans and try to work it out and then you will be setting yourself up for a ride.

[pelicanpreacher]

So, by your own admission, you're leaving a good and decent husband because you allowed your head to be spun around by a lying, cheating, player? What are you looking for in a man, marriage, or life partner? Will you ever be able to commit to a marriage in the future with a firm resolve to adhere to expected boundaries required of an exclusive relationship?

 

You really need to ponder these thoughts for flitting through life destroying all in your wake will eventually make Jill a lonely girl!

[OpenBook]

I would walk away from both men. Make a clean break.

[whichwayisup]

Your heart isn't in it because you never gave your marriage or husband a chance! How could it work when the MM was still in your life? You never cut off contact, got counselling to heal and let go of MM for good, get him out of your heart.

 

I hope you do talk to your husband, be completely honest and end your marriage with him, then go be alone for a while. What the MM does or doesn't do shouldn't matter because you need to focus on your life and fixing it before getting involved with anyone else, that includes MM (IF he leaves and divorces).

[frannie]

Yes even typing it out I realise how ridiculous it sounds. And how ridiculous I sound.

 

I consider myself an intelligent, sensible, honest, level headed good person.

 

This affair has taken all of those qualities away from me and turned me into a clueless pathetic naive love struck unfaithful unhappy woman.

 

I am going to end it with him today.

 

My husband and I are over - I was trying to do the right thing by comitting to it but my heart isn't in it.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum for your honest advice. Going to go and sort my life out.

 

Thanks again

 

Hello.

 

I think you're doing completely the right thing. I know how hard it is to let MM go when he sounds so plausible, and probably is being honest about his fears. You love him and you feel for him, but you're frustrated as hell with his seeming inability to act.

 

The things is, its his fear to deal with, and your being sympathetic and understanding and waiting won't change anything for him until he's ready to sort it out himself. Neither will logic or his legal rights or anything else make a scrap of difference, you may as well talk to the wall

 

I think the only sane thing is to continue with sorting out your own life and assume that he's going to remain stuck. If you miss him continue with LC if that's what you feel you need (that's what I'm doing currently). However, I know that can hold you back if you're ready for a fresh start in life. You really just have to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

He has said he only wants my happiness and has been totally upfront and said he will respect any decision I make. I deserve better etc.

 

If this is what he said, he wants you to realize he will NEVER leave his W and be happy you have him in an A or you won't have him at all.

 

They always say this "you deserve better" crap when they want you to agree to being a doormat for them.

 

Everyone in this situation deserves better, including both of your respective spouses. Do what you need to better your own life and leave like you planned. This isn't fair to anyone. At least you realize it.

 

GEL

[Agent_99]

Hi~

 

exMW's relationship has many similarities. There are some differences, but her gf is very unstable at times. Sometimes I wonder why I was thankful that she was always honest with me that she wasn't going to leave. I still went through emotional hell. I am only just now seeing how emotionally manipulative she was with me. Part of that is I see her attempts to do so now, but since they have no real affect now. . . well I can't say NO effect, but I'm learning. I'm not even sure she does it on purpose, maybe it is part of our dysfunction in having an affair, and yet then I think about how dysfunctional her primary relationship is.

 

Anyway, the point is, if he wanted to leave he would, just as you are doing. Put all the shoulds and advice you recieve aside. Deep down what do you feel is the best path for YOU? NC? limited contact? What path will lead you to feel balanced and happy no matter what?

 

~99

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think if he were genuine about leaving, he would simply discreetly see a lawyer, document his W's behavior (including the emotional blackmail and extortion), have her committed and labeled an unfit parent, get full custody of his son, and get a divorce. No court in the world would let his kid's mother have custody if she is as violent and unstable as he has told you.

[bentnotbroken]

I think if he were genuine about leaving, he would simply discreetly see a lawyer, document his W's behavior (including the emotional blackmail and extortion), have her committed and labeled an unfit parent, get full custody of his son, and get a divorce. No court in the world would let his kid's mother have custody if she is as violent and unstable as he has told you.

 

 

My thoughts exactly. And if her were any kind of father with a backbone, he wouldn't allow his child to be in danger from a potentially deadly situation. He is a lying donkey.

[norajane]

Yes even typing it out I realise how ridiculous it sounds. And how ridiculous I sound.

 

I consider myself an intelligent, sensible, honest, level headed good person.

 

This affair has taken all of those qualities away from me and turned me into a clueless pathetic naive love struck unfaithful unhappy woman.

 

I am going to end it with him today.

 

My husband and I are over - I was trying to do the right thing by comitting to it but my heart isn't in it.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum for your honest advice. Going to go and sort my life out.

 

Thanks again

 

Have you considered that the reason your heart isn't into your marriage right now could be because your affair has turned you into a "clueless pathetic naive love struck unfaithful unhappy woman"?

 

I'm not saying you should stay with your H if you really don't want to. However, a lot of people who enter affairs suddenly find all kinds of faults in their marriage they never saw before, and while in the affair fog and so enamored of their affair partner, aren't seeing things clearly. It's called rewriting history. If your marriage was so dead, why didn't you leave your H before ever meeting this MM?

 

My suggestion would be to end things with MM, give yourself some time to let the affair fog dissipate, and then make the decision about your marriage.

[OWoman]

I think if he were genuine about leaving, he would simply discreetly see a lawyer, document his W's behavior (including the emotional blackmail and extortion), have her committed and labeled an unfit parent, get full custody of his son, and get a divorce. No court in the world would let his kid's mother have custody if she is as violent and unstable as he has told you.

 

My MM's BW is a lot as you (ILNY) describe - and it took a good deal of counselling and support for him to realise the baselessness of fears such as those you describe. We're together now, with the kids (who are older, and see their mother occasionally by their arrangement) and the D should be finalised any day now. BUT - and here is a big but - he decided that he was done with his M. Until your MM decides that he WANTS to make the break, his abilty to hear how senseless such concerns are will be impaired.

 

What LB outlines above are pretty simple and straightforward steps to get to where he "needs" to be - if that's where he WANTS to be. If it really is a case of him being "trapped" and him being "unable" to leave, offer to help him find a good lawyer who can secure him a quick D with full (or at least primary) custody, and an interim protection order for him and the kid - his response will tell you whether or not that's just a BS story.

[Married One]

Me, you, and person posting here, "Ilovenewyork", sounds like we are all in the same boat - Married OW's.

 

So I recognise some of those things discussed here. Sigh.

 

Exactly righ, it's really a matter of sorting out our OWN marriage first really. That is, OUR own LIVES really, before we concerntrate so much on OM and OM's marriage. In the first place, who are we to talk, right?

 

As for myself, I have, these two days become a little "sick" too, (not exactly sickly sick, but "disgusted" sick, with the happenings). My OM, who had only JUST announced to BS his wish to separate this week, has also just been told almost immediately after that she has just been told she has a fatal disease. And yes, it sounds like a drama or almost something made up on the spot, but it's all REAL and true (and that's why, I am sick!)

 

Those who have read my own threads/posting under "Married One", THIS IS my update! (I stopped writing in my own because I was just so shaken... and I wonder if my readers would agree with me too!)

 

Anyway, ilovenewyork, I hear you, we NEED to decide what WE want, or not! But good luck!

 

I'm curious. Have you been on that holiday with your husband yet? Only a couple of weeks ago, you were talking about that and how you were going to use that time to focus on your husband. I just wondered whether you had been away and how that had gone.

 

I have also got to say that as a MW who had an affair, the things your MM is saying are all being said to put you off. I said equivalent things to the OM because I did not plan to leave my husband (and am still with him now). I know that is not what you want to hear but you have to face up to that and not plan anything around him. Your thoughts should be based purely on whether you want to stay with your husband or not. If you do, end the affair. If you don't then leave your husband - and again you are stalling this with "not until the New Year" so I suspect you are not entirely sure that you want to end your marriage. Certainly your previous posts have indicated a desire to end the affair and look to your marriage.

 

Sort yourself and whatever is going to happen to your marriage first.

[Married One]

I'd just sent a reply here to Ilovenewyork via Anne1707. And if you would read it, you would WHY I am so scared and confused now!

 

Before reading your post, I was feeling quite depressed and sad, now, I am feeling not only those but probably I AM the one going insane soon!

 

You really painted a real life picture there ... but, I can also hear that you have some bitterness still, from your own "episode" with an MM?

 

I ask because, what I am about to write, I THINK you might come back and imply that I am still so naive and foolish. You would think that I am, due to bias (for my MM), I'm merely justifying for him.

 

You talked about how BS was

 

1. How everything is always just MM's words - ticked

 

2. BS crazy - ticked! My MM's wife supposedly had such a history and suicidal tendency (proven in the past). She prefers to be alone, don't want friends, no friends, crazy or erratic mostly to him all these years, but amazingly, good mother and is not so crazy with her kids (two of them, but both older now), but kids also a little scared of her.

 

3. BC better nowadays, though still cold and horrible to MM.

 

4. After MM's of first announcement of wish for separation this week, BS also announced just been diagnosed horrible disease!

 

5. Will have follow-ups to disease (ie. any need for the type of hospital procedures) within these few weeks.

 

6. MM said both of them think, if doctor's advice on disease does not have involve too much complication, they will continue MM's desired separation. But, if disease is bad, (or to be reported bad in these next weeks), MM probably can't leave her for fear children will be hateful towards the whole situation.

 

7. Granted, I was "not in the same room" when all this were discussed, but, I do think/know from experience and observation, MM is honest and walk the talk type. It has NOT been just me and him. I deal with MM's office, and I know how he treats others, and how others view him etc., so that. should tell something, right (that is, that should tell me more than just his own "words" every time).

 

8. When I met MM, I had been reluctant, (for like you, even now, I NEVER demand MM to dump her and family). It has been exactly because MM already behaved like he was wanting/planning a separation one year later anyway. And we are right on time. So, like I said, it's very much of the walk the talk. Which is why, I hardly doubt MM. (But, I am an open person, and hoping that I grow older AND wiser, so I don't block out others' input, though I do NOT necessarily go with everything blindly either).

 

Finally, actually, before the disease bit was announced to him/then me yesterday, I was already feeling sad for him/them, but, I was also feeling down for my own life/marriage - what I am to do with it, when I have no more love left for my BS, (though I have stayed mainly for our kids - I know, this point has been another touchy subject to many in this forum!).

After hearing about this disease, I started feelng even a little sick, as I have trouble believing how I got into all this "drama" in the first place? I had been the type who would condemn and despise people who meddle with people's married lives. And now .... In fact, right now, I am thinking perhaps there is a message in all this for all of us - time to stop "messing around"! I started to grieve already - I am thinking maybe I should just quit, or give all thsi a break, and instead, focus on what to do with my married life - to leave or not to leave.....

 

Now I REALLY wish I would have a lot of input to this post ...I am also posting this in my own of forum under name : "Married One"

 

 

I'm assuming you both live in the United States. Everyone knows that no court of law in the US is going to allow his wife to keep him from seeing his kid. This isn't 1958 - fathers have plenty of rights now. The only way he'd be prohibited from seeing his son is if he's proved to be abusive or an unfit parent. So his argument about fearing that he'll be cut off from his son is bull.

 

 

I'm being dead serious when I ask this quesion. You KNOW this because he TOLD you this, or were you in the room when they had this conversation? Seriously, were you in the room and did you hear her threaten suicide and did you hear her threaten to go to the authorities and lie about how he treats his kid? If not, then you can only assume this is what was said by his wife. Unless you live with them 24 hours a day, you really DON'T know what his wife is thinking. You don't.

 

 

Again, this is tripe being fed to you by your married boyfriend whose cheating and lying. You need to reconcile with the fact that his views are going to be a little JADED and more than likely dishonest. He lies on a daily basis - never forget that. I'm sure her side of the story is going to be somewhat different than his. And might I also remind you that when this woman got pregnant 5 years ago, she DIDN'T do it thinking she'd be raising this kid ALONE. Of course she wants to keep her marriage and her family unit intact. I'm honestly amazed that you comment on this as though she's WRONG to want to do that.

 

Do any of us have kids HOPING to be deserted and become single parents 3, 4 or 5 years down the road? Where's your compassion for God's sakes?

 

 

And I'm going to ask this question AGAIN. You know this for FACT because.....? Oh yes, because he told you this happened. I'll repeat myself again - unless you were THERE in the room when this happened, you only have his word that it did (and admittedly, his word isn't much - he's lying and cheating, remember?)

 

 

LOL. I've been reading OW and infidelity boards for years. Do you have any idea HOW many times I've read this same garbage over and over and over? That the poor MM is "trapped" because his crazy, violent wife is mentally imbalanced and the poor, poor MM must stay in the home because he fears for his kid's life? If you had ANY idea how many times MM have used this ridiculous excuse to stay in the marital home you'd actually be embarrassed to have even posted it.

 

 

Well, since you two claim she's 'scary' and 'mental,' SURELY he knew this going INTO your affair - no? Surely he KNEW this back when he first began plotting to leave her and his child - no? Or was this mental instability very SUDDEN and it's changed all your plans?

 

 

He's not leaving. Whether you choose to waste more of your time on a dead-end like this is really up to you.

 

I'm sure she was "scary and mental" back in September, right?

 

 

She's still "scary and mental," so what would be any different in the New Year?

 

 

I guess when she's no longer "scary and mental" he can make his move.

 

 

Being completely honest, I would never be a part of asking a man to desert his wife and kid for ME. I was an OW many years ago and my now xMM had a 2 year old kid back then. Never ONCE did I ever ask him to desert his family. EVER. I knew that my role was mostly that of an escape for him because he wasn't overly happy in his marriage. I was a fantasy - an escape. He claimed his undying love for me every single day but when you peeled away all the sweet words and everything else, I was nothing more than an escape for him.

 

You just need to keep that in perspective.

 

 

Well, if he's claiming that she's "mentally unstable," do you honestly think she's magically going to wake up one morning, right as rain, and that's when he can make his move? He's ALWAYS going to use that excuse because he doesn't plan on leaving. He fantasizes about a new life with you but he's not going to make it happen. He's staying right where he is and his excuse - used by literally MILLIONS of other MM - is that his wife is unstable and he fears for his kid. Geez, you'd think these guys would get some new material. Of course, some of them lie and claim their wives have cancer or some other horrible disease, and they simply can't leave because they'd be a slime if they did. That's another one they use quite a bit. But the most common one is that old standby, "my wife is crazy and will hurt my kid!" excuse.

 

 

Most women have much more courage than men. Men are complete sissys and stay where they are. Women have the courage to leave a bad marriage. I think the stats are like 80% of divorces are initiated by women. No big surprise there. Men, however, will stay where they are out of a sense of duty, guilt, and a desire to NOT look like the bad guy. And trust me, if he deserts his wife and small child for another woman, people will think he's a scumbag (I would think that about him, too).

 

 

I'm again calling bullsh*t on this excuse. No court in the land is going to take his kid away from him unless he's PROVED unfit as a parent. But here's a thought - since his wife is so horribly INSANE, why doesn't HE go for full custody of his kid? Since you both claim she's so scary and mentally imbalanced - and has threatened suicide and he fears for his kid's welfare being around this nutcase - why hasn't he started the legal steps of getting this poor kid away from his crazed monster of a mother? I'm sure if she's as crazy as he claims, a psychiatric evaluation will more than seal her fate and he can probably get full custody.

 

I find it kind of odd that he leaves his kid in the care of a woman every single day whom he claims is mentally imbalanced. One would assume that he'd be HOME every single second he could be, trying to make sure his kid is properly being taken care of - since his wife is a nutter and all. Yet, strangely enough, he's NOT doing that. He's spending a good portion of his free time with you rather than being home and making sure his kid is alright.

 

Are you starting to realize how ridiculous his story is?

[tiff]

No way would I judge you! Things happen and people fall in love. I don't think that things are lost here, but I do think you should give him space and tell him to figure things out. This is going to separate you from the mentally unstable wife. The last thing she needs is to find out about you and start going after you... crazy people will do crazy things.

 

I would give him three months to do the right thing, whatever that would entail. As hard as it will be for you, I think that if you start putting your life first, maybe reconnect with some old friends or something, shop, buy a pet, then he will see that you're not playing around with this ultimatum that's been thrown at you (yes, it's not a typical ultimatum, but if you look at it the right way it is). In the end he's going to have to make a choice, and hopefully it will be the right one.

 

I garuntee if you do this he will start thinking he's losing you and wanna put ideas in your head that he's leaving her soon. Don't fall into that trap. Let him handle his business and if things are as solid as you imply he will be back. Hey, what's three more months of waiting? You've been waiting all of this time anyway, haven't you?