i think i'm ready to end this, but i need a lot of support

[lost09]

I'm not sure how i'll write what's going through my head without this turning into a novel. but i promise i will attempt to keep this short.

 

I'm into a 5 year relationship. where did the time go. I just recently came to the realization that im not happy with my life. i am not happy. That's really hard for me to admit because i hate failing at something. I tend to be a perfectionist. It's not her fault that i'm unhappy - in fact, I'll probably be more unhappy without her for a while. But i'm afraid i'll never be happy if i stay in this relationship. The reason why i'm posting here is to get another perspective on whats going on in my head - am I chasing a lost dream, or should i chase this void in my life?

 

I feel like I am not cut out to be in a relationship right now. I am 24, nearing 25 in the next couple months. my youth is starting to come to an end. I'm being pressured (or i feel im being pressured) to settle down and marry, buy a house and have kids. The whole though has always been "oh they will happen when i''m older, im not ready for that now". Well i'm older, and that thought is still holding strong. I have a girlfriend whom ive been with for 5 years now. She really loves me and has asked me on multiple occasions (probably once a month for 2 years now) "when are we going to get married, are we ever going to get married?" I always answer with, I'm not ready to get married. This really upsets her. She is a year younger than me btw. The thing that scares me the most about breaking up right now is how devastated she will be. Honestly, I'm not being full of myself or anything like that, but she doesn't have much family and not many friends and has moved to an unfamiliar city to be with me. she is living with me. She is seriously banking on marrying me. She is a great person and i hate to hurt her, but i know im going to end up hurting her by draggin this out longer. I truly want the best for her, and am scared because i wont be able to protect her if we separate. my heart sinks when i think about it.

 

I love her very much, but i am not in love with her as I once was.

 

My gut feeling is to break up all contact and move to the west coast (currently on east coast) and start a new life. I really want to start over in life. i realized that life is about having fun and i've been to busy working and studying my whole life that it all passed by. I don't feel alive. i need a change. is this stupid and irrational? should i try to ignore these thoughts? I don't want to **** up my life just because i'm going through what may be a phase.

 

so, if i get the balls to get myself out of this relationship, how in the world do i go about it. I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to hurt herself, and I don't want to regret it. Another thing that makes this complicated is that we live together, and what i realize now, is that it was a heavily influenced decision based on financial benefits of splitting rent. there is really no way to move out until the lease ends in sept 09. So it will have to end then if possible. in the meantime, i plan on thinkin about how i'm going to do this, and if i should do this.

 

any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Explorer]

I'm not sure how i'll write what's going through my head without this turning into a novel. but i promise i will attempt to keep this short.

 

I'm into a 5 year relationship. where did the time go. I just recently came to the realization that im not happy with my life. i am not happy. That's really hard for me to admit because i hate failing at something. I tend to be a perfectionist. It's not her fault that i'm unhappy - in fact, I'll probably be more unhappy without her for a while. But i'm afraid i'll never be happy if i stay in this relationship. The reason why i'm posting here is to get another perspective on whats going on in my head - am I chasing a lost dream, or should i chase this void in my life?

 

I feel like I am not cut out to be in a relationship right now. I am 24, nearing 25 in the next couple months. my youth is starting to come to an end. I'm being pressured (or i feel im being pressured) to settle down and marry, buy a house and have kids. The whole though has always been "oh they will happen when i''m older, im not ready for that now". Well i'm older, and that thought is still holding strong. I have a girlfriend whom ive been with for 5 years now. She really loves me and has asked me on multiple occasions (probably once a month for 2 years now) "when are we going to get married, are we ever going to get married?" I always answer with, I'm not ready to get married. This really upsets her. She is a year younger than me btw. The thing that scares me the most about breaking up right now is how devastated she will be. Honestly, I'm not being full of myself or anything like that, but she doesn't have much family and not many friends and has moved to an unfamiliar city to be with me. she is living with me. She is seriously banking on marrying me. She is a great person and i hate to hurt her, but i know im going to end up hurting her by draggin this out longer. I truly want the best for her, and am scared because i wont be able to protect her if we separate. my heart sinks when i think about it.

 

I love her very much, but i am not in love with her as I once was.

 

My gut feeling is to break up all contact and move to the west coast (currently on east coast) and start a new life. I really want to start over in life. i realized that life is about having fun and i've been to busy working and studying my whole life that it all passed by. I don't feel alive. i need a change. is this stupid and irrational? should i try to ignore these thoughts? I don't want to **** up my life just because i'm going through what may be a phase.

 

so, if i get the balls to get myself out of this relationship, how in the world do i go about it. I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to hurt herself, and I don't want to regret it. Another thing that makes this complicated is that we live together, and what i realize now, is that it was a heavily influenced decision based on financial benefits of splitting rent. there is really no way to move out until the lease ends in sept 09. So it will have to end then if possible. in the meantime, i plan on thinkin about how i'm going to do this, and if i should do this.

 

any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

Hello Lost,

 

I was in a very similar position a year ago. My intuition was telling me to break it off because we weren't right for each other, so I did. The pain was overbearing, but temporary. After it wore off, I realize I made a great decision. I've come to rely heavily on my intuition with decisions and it has never (That I can think of) led me astray.

 

Starting a new life by moving can be dangerous. Remember, regardless of where you end up, YOU are going to follow YOU around. You're not going to be magically happy in a new location, at least not permenantly.

 

Last, eliminate the pressure to marry. You ARE young at 25. Do NOT marry until you're ready. You'll know when that is.

[hotdancer2009]

Haha, the moving to the west coast and finding yourself bit. I just broke it off with my bf and want to move west and start over too . We should meet J/K!

[wuggle]

IMO many of the issues you discuss actually have little to do with the person you are in a relationship with, they are all to do with you, your life, your ability (or inability) to accept changes etc.

 

Comments like 'my youth is starting to come to an end', 'am I chasing a lost dream' would indicate to me that you are scared of moving to the next stage of your life. You are 24 and like the rest of us you probably still feel 18\19 in your head. This will not change. When you are 50 you will still feel 18 in your head and have the same isues about change, growing up and growing old. You will probably never be ready to marry, never be ready to have kids, never be ready to have grandkids, never be ready to retire, never be ready to die. Same as the rest of us. Life just happens, whether you want it to or not, whether you are ready or not.

 

Your girlfriend is asking when you will marry, this does not sound like an unreasonable question, 24 is a comon age to start thinking about such things, forget the pressure. Forget the sharing accomodation thing as well, more excuses.

 

What are you afraid you haven't done yet, what are you afraid your missing by growing up ? Do you want to travel ? do you want to make loads of money, have fast cars ? what ?

 

You can quite easily throw this person away, that may or may not be the right thing to do, I cant advise you. But don't do it because your scared of the future, or misisng out on something that you just can't put your finger on. You can have a wonderful life either way , but you need to look deep inside yourself and find out what your scared of.

 

You only have yourself to answer to ultimately.

 

ps The issue of not being in love with her is a bit weird, The way we love our partners does change over time, generally 'being in love' is for the first part and 'loving her' is for the rest. You say you are not i'in love' - so what , do you love her ? can you imagine the pair of you at 60 on abeach together happy ?

 

You can have a future with her or without her, but I think before you throw her away (seeing as how you say you love her) you do some thinking and have an idea in your own head why your throwing her away.

[birdie]

IMO many of the issues you discuss actually have little to do with the person you are in a relationship with, they are all to do with you, your life, your ability (or inability) to accept changes etc.

 

Comments like 'my youth is starting to come to an end', 'am I chasing a lost dream' would indicate to me that you are scared of moving to the next stage of your life. You are 24 and like the rest of us you probably still feel 18\19 in your head. This will not change. When you are 50 you will still feel 18 in your head and have the same isues about change, growing up and growing old. You will probably never be ready to marry, never be ready to have kids, never be ready to have grandkids, never be ready to retire, never be ready to die. Same as the rest of us. Life just happens, whether you want it to or not, whether you are ready or not.

 

Your girlfriend is asking when you will marry, this does not sound like an unreasonable question, 24 is a comon age to start thinking about such things, forget the pressure. Forget the sharing accomodation thing as well, more excuses.

 

What are you afraid you haven't done yet, what are you afraid your missing by growing up ? Do you want to travel ? do you want to make loads of money, have fast cars ? what ?

 

You can quite easily throw this person away, that may or may not be the right thing to do, I cant advise you. But don't do it because your scared of the future, or misisng out on something that you just can't put your finger on. You can have a wonderful life either way , but you need to look deep inside yourself and find out what your scared of.

 

You only have yourself to answer to ultimately.

 

ps The issue of not being in love with her is a bit weird, The way we love our partners does change over time, generally 'being in love' is for the first part and 'loving her' is for the rest. You say you are not i'in love' - so what , do you love her ? can you imagine the pair of you at 60 on abeach together happy ?

 

You can have a future with her or without her, but I think before you throw her away (seeing as how you say you love her) you do some thinking and have an idea in your own head why your throwing her away.

 

excellent post

[You'reasian]

I am 24, nearing 25 in the next couple months. my youth is starting to come to an end...

 

..... Speaking of youth, a buddy of mine your age got his *** handed to him by a 37 year old guy in a thaiboxing match.

 

What's with all these old folks out racing us in triathlons?

[ruggy]

You really need to sit down and express your feelings within your gf. That ould be where I would start off if I was you.

[lost09]

wuggle, great post thank you.

 

what am i afraid of, I am afraid of not living life to the fullest. I've only been with 2 girls, i feel I really should have made an effort to meet more people and be in more relationships. I live in a fairly large city and i'm always out meeting girls and the thoughts are there in my mind... what if. To suppress these thoughts, i often try not talk to girls - my gf is extremely jealous too. any new friend requests on facebook are brought into question hours later (she's on facebook ALL day).

 

I've been dating her since I was 19.. i also feel ive changed a lot since I was 19. I feel like I'm a lot different from this girl now, and we don't have a lot in common. I often find myself going out alone because she's not interested in going out as much, which again brings me into social situations with girls.. who immediately want to know if i have a girlfriend within the first few minutes of a conversation. i feel like i'm hiding a wife at home or something. i've never cheated and don't plan to, but i cant imagine what it would be like to exchange numbers with a girl, the thought is exciting.

 

again, these thoughts make me feel awful, just knowing how much it would hurt her if she read this. she is extremely into me, and i'll feel so bad about just tossing her out after all the love she has given me. but ive just grown apart from her. in my head ive broken off a lot of emotional ties already (she hurt me a couple years ago, and i've proceeded with so much caution that ive created a brick wall between us).

 

ah, so confused.