lost09 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I'm not sure how i'll write what's going through my head without this turning into a novel. but i promise i will attempt to keep this short. I'm into a 5 year relationship. where did the time go. I just recently came to the realization that im not happy with my life. i am not happy. That's really hard for me to admit because i hate failing at something. I tend to be a perfectionist. It's not her fault that i'm unhappy - in fact, I'll probably be more unhappy without her for a while. But i'm afraid i'll never be happy if i stay in this relationship. The reason why i'm posting here is to get another perspective on whats going on in my head - am I chasing a lost dream, or should i chase this void in my life? I feel like I am not cut out to be in a relationship right now. I am 24, nearing 25 in the next couple months. my youth is starting to come to an end. I'm being pressured (or i feel im being pressured) to settle down and marry, buy a house and have kids. The whole though has always been "oh they will happen when i''m older, im not ready for that now". Well i'm older, and that thought is still holding strong. I have a girlfriend whom ive been with for 5 years now. She really loves me and has asked me on multiple occasions (probably once a month for 2 years now) "when are we going to get married, are we ever going to get married?" I always answer with, I'm not ready to get married. This really upsets her. She is a year younger than me btw. The thing that scares me the most about breaking up right now is how devastated she will be. Honestly, I'm not being full of myself or anything like that, but she doesn't have much family and not many friends and has moved to an unfamiliar city to be with me. she is living with me. She is seriously banking on marrying me. She is a great person and i hate to hurt her, but i know im going to end up hurting her by draggin this out longer. I truly want the best for her, and am scared because i wont be able to protect her if we separate. my heart sinks when i think about it. I love her very much, but i am not in love with her as I once was. My gut feeling is to break up all contact and move to the west coast (currently on east coast) and start a new life. I really want to start over in life. i realized that life is about having fun and i've been to busy working and studying my whole life that it all passed by. I don't feel alive. i need a change. is this stupid and irrational? should i try to ignore these thoughts? I don't want to **** up my life just because i'm going through what may be a phase. so, if i get the balls to get myself out of this relationship, how in the world do i go about it. I don't want her to hate me, I don't want her to hurt herself, and I don't want to regret it. Another thing that makes this complicated is that we live together, and what i realize now, is that it was a heavily influenced decision based on financial benefits of splitting rent. there is really no way to move out until the lease ends in sept 09. So it will have to end then if possible. in the meantime, i plan on thinkin about how i'm going to do this, and if i should do this. any input would be greatly appreciated.
TeaAbraham Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I really want to start over in life. i realized that life is about having fun and i've been to busy working and studying my whole life that it all passed by. I don't feel alive. i need a change. is this stupid and irrational? should i try to ignore these thoughts? I don't want to **** up my life just because i'm going through what may be a phase.Is this the only reason you don't think the relationship is working? You don't feel alive? Why are you feeling like this, and when did it start? How does your girl play into this? Is she a cause of you feeling like this? Did she change? Did you change? I don't know whether or not you've got a good reason for doing this. Don't let it be a stupid reason, please. I made a big mistake and did some sh*t like you are thinking about doing for a stupid reason. You definitely don't want to screw up your life due to a phase. But sometimes that's the only way we learn, unfortunately. We gotta screw the sh*t out of our lives before we come to our senses. Us guys can be really stupid sometimes. So what exactly is going on? And be honest with yourself! Don't hold anything back.
nittanylion Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I was in your shoe 10 yrs ago. I feel the same way you are feeling about your relationship, and life. She pushed me to get marry, and I told her I am not ready. I love her but not in love with her. It was a very difficult break-up I had with my x-finacee of 6 yrs, it took me about 1 yr to get over her. She hurt me even more by dating someone 2 weeks after we broke up. But I am a survivor. lol. Anyway, in retrospect, it was the rite decision for me cause if I marry her, I will most likely end up in divorcing her. I am glad I made the rite decision 10 years later. I am happy now. Well, you have to go with your gut instincts, and dont make irrational decisions. Take ur time, and decide what is best for you, and your relationship.
Gremio Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 lost, you are pretty heavily committed in the relationship. You never did say why you felt this way. What is lacking? I've been there... beautiful woman, great career, but the spark was gone. I wasn't feeling it anymore. The good thing was we weren't living together, weren't engaged/married. Your situation is a lot different. If you want advice, you need to explain your problem, besides "my youth is coming to an end". You very well may be alone for a while or you can find someone, be with them for five years, and start the cycle all over again. Find out the source of the problem and try to work at it. If you truly feel you can't be with her, then it's best for both of you to break up. But only when you realize the faults will you be able to maintain a healthy relationship in the future.
Author lost09 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 what am i afraid of, I am afraid of not living life to the fullest. I've only been with 2 girls, i feel I really should have made an effort to meet more people and be in more relationships. I live in a fairly large city and i'm always out meeting girls and the thoughts are there in my mind... what if. To suppress these thoughts, i often try not talk to girls - my gf is extremely jealous too. any new friend requests on facebook are brought into question hours later (she's on facebook ALL day). I've been dating her since I was 19.. i also feel ive changed a lot since I was 19. I feel like I'm a lot different from this girl now, and we don't have a lot in common. I often find myself going out alone because she's not interested in going out as much, which again brings me into social situations with girls.. who immediately want to know if i have a girlfriend within the first few minutes of a conversation. i feel like i'm hiding a wife at home or something. i've never cheated and don't plan to, but i cant imagine what it would be like to exchange numbers with a girl, the thought is exciting. again, these thoughts make me feel awful, just knowing how much it would hurt her if she read this. she is extremely into me, and i'll feel so bad about just tossing her out after all the love she has given me. but ive just grown apart from her. in my head ive broken off a lot of emotional ties already (she hurt me a couple years ago, and i've proceeded with so much caution that ive created a brick wall between us). ah, so confused.
stray_cat Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 you sound like my ex-husband who i suspected is having a mid-life crisis at 33. told me same thing. not happy anymore, we've grown apart, loves me but not in love with me, he's getting older and wants to pursue his "dreams" and from what i can understand, he had this strong urge to redo his life. now we've been separated for 7 months. is he any happier? i don't think so. he sits in apartment drowning in loneliness. but hey for him thats so much better than sticking to a rather stable, happy and long standing relationship. if you are sooo unhappy then get out. staying in a relationship where one has already detached is not fair for both of you. it's natural to feel bad about just tossing her after all, but that is exactly what you will be doing. you are really just tossing her. right now you won't really know the magnitude of the choices you will be making or what lies beyond and whether you will regret it or not. just try not to think the grass is always greener on the other side. goodluck to you.
lonetiger Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 you say that your youth is coming to an end...dude, life gets better the older you get! Your young, but there is a life time right infront of you tht you are yet to discover. Sounds as if you care about this girl and knowing that you will be concerned about her if you break up...really think about what your tossing away..and will it make you happy in the end? sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side..if your heart will always care about this one
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