Author pandagirl Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I've been thinking about this subject a LOT over the past couple months. I went wine tasting for a bachelorette party a month or so ago. I sat in the limo on the way to wine country, listening to the "marrieds" talk about how they met their husbands, how their relationships evolved, etc. NOT ONE felt that instant spark. Not a one. For each one of them, they "grew into it." They're all newlyweds, and sickeningly happy. I think there's something to it... You know, sometimes I see myself as a character in a movie, or see my life play out like some bad TV show, and in every scenario, I'm "that friend." The dysfunctional friend surrounded by emotionally well-adjusted happy people in relationships. The friend that everyone thinks the world of, but yet also worries about endlessly. I know the people in my life truly adore me, but it's always like: "OHhhh, Pandagirl!" and they all roll their eyes at me. So, what I'm getting at is maybe all us LSers are "that friend." Slightly neurotic and emotionally complicated when it comes to love. Normal people who don't feel the "spark" immediately don't go running. They always know when to leave a dead-end relationship. Anyway, this is way off subject. But, I really want to be able to grow into love. I believe it is the only way I will ever truly love or TRUST anyone. I'm so far away from it though.
Trialbyfire Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 In the end, I think for all the men or women who seriously believe they can find their ideal mate within a 10 minute conversation or one date are fooling themselves.I'm with you on this. It's not love. It's called sexual attraction. People romanticize Biology 101. When I look at all the successful RLs out there around me...most of them grew over a period of time. Barely any of them happened upon the first meet. We can say they're settling, but if they're happy, in love, and can't fathom anyone else...then they're doing something right compared to all the lonely complainers out there who keep thinking it's supposed to play out like a movie or novel. Here's where we differ. You can't always create Biology 101. There has to be a reasonable level of initial attraction before slow growth can happen. Also, people do settle and then wake up one morning to find out they shouldn't have. People need to understand what drives them, before entering any relationship.
Author pandagirl Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 People need to understand what drives them, before entering any relationship. This is a key point, TBF. I think the problem is, very few of us knows what drives us. And even if we do think we know, it's often times the wrong thing. Also, I think there has to be some sort of attraction or chemistry when you first meet some -- personality wise, physically or spiritually. If it's not there, then you won't stick around.
melodymatters Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 i think this lies with how open one's mind is. i don't feel like i've ever settled, but i have entertained wildly different types as having R potential. The checklist people annoy me ; 'too short, not a cool enough job, wrong hair color" etc. if you keep an open mind and treat all people kindly, i believe you will find a golden nugget of a person closer than you ever thought. BTW. my BESt 2 R's, i was NOT attracted at first sight, but once i got to know them a little bit, we went very quickly, for whatever it's worth !
Author pandagirl Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 if you keep an open mind and treat all people kindly, i believe you will find a golden nugget of a person closer than you ever thought. BTW. my BESt 2 R's, i was NOT attracted at first sight, but once i got to know them a little bit, we went very quickly, for whatever it's worth ! How long was "a little bit"?
melodymatters Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 How long was "a little bit"? LOL, DAMN, I was trying to sneak that one under the wire ! My late H, my daughters father, i married after 24 days. Yes, days, and we were living on different coasts when we met. great guy, then: he discovered crack, I kicked him out, love my kid with a passion. it was 7 yrs of a pretty damn good relationship, except for his addictions. Next : dated 7 yrs, lived together, got engaged, got married, lasted 2 weeks, he had a nervous breakdown and split. leaving me with a lot to clean up. current H: met one night, spent every night after work together after that, he moved in within two weeks, and we married after 4 months. but....i'm a bit of a free spirit and stuff, i wouldn't advise this to anyone. I just listen to my own drummer
Isolde Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 This is interesting. I used to think that love wasn't viable unless it was love at first sight, but I no longer find the idea of growing into love depressing. In fact... it's kind of awesome. Isn't it almost more romantic if you didn't know on the first date that you would end up getting married?! Being prone to infatuations, I think it's just far better to feel an inkling of love first and then letting it grow, organically. Of course, the pace of a relationship should never be too slow--that's not fun or sexy.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I like the idea of nurturing a relationship, rather than having those feeling of love come instantly and without appreciation. Unfortunately, I also think the older we get, the more impatient we get and rely all that much more on "instinct." Thoughts? At your age, I would have agreed with you about the impatience factor, but I think you eventually reach a point (for me, it was in my mid-30's) when you simply have to try and figure out what drives you, as TBF said, and as you do this, I think the impatience eases. The trick is to not give in to the impatience before you reach this point. Growing into love slowly sounds good on paper, but I think that a certain amount of initial attraction, chemistry, and spontaneity is actually necessary to plant the seeds of long-term intimacy.
Author pandagirl Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 At your age, I would have agreed with you about the impatience factor, but I think you eventually reach a point (for me, it was in my mid-30's) when you simply have to try and figure out what drives you, as TBF said, and as you do this, I think the impatience eases. The trick is to not give in to the impatience before you reach this point. Growing into love slowly sounds good on paper, but I think that a certain amount of initial attraction, chemistry, and spontaneity is actually necessary to plant the seeds of long-term intimacy. Yes, a certain amount is important. There are exceptions, of course though. Also, what do you exactly mean by what "drives you"? Do you mean, what is important to an individual in a relationship? I just got back from dinner with a friend of mine who is married. I asked her how their courtship was, and she said he asked her out for four months before she agreed to go on a date with him. She said she just wasn't interested, but they slowly became friends and then one day, she decided to give him a chance. She says she married her best friend and is so happy she did so.
flc Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I don't think there is a prescription for living happily ever after. Like everything in life you take your chances and most of the time things work out but sometimes they don't. I have been obsessively in love with someone before and it was great/terrible your life is totally consumed with the person and you ignore all faults. In the end it burned quick and died. My xW was more of a slow development we dated for a year lived together for 2 years and were married for 20 years but in the end while we loved each other we had too many different interests and we grew apart and the marriage failed. Now at 51 I less inclined to be concerned about marriage and how long the relationship will last. I just enjoy what I have and will go were life takes me no pressure at all.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Also, what do you exactly mean by what "drives you"? Do you mean, what is important to an individual in a relationship Yes, but it's broader than that as well. A relationship is a part of the bigger picture that is your life. Are you living where and how you want? Do your professional aspirations truly reflect what you value? Are you actively choosing things and ways to help you move forward toward what you want? (I eventually realized that my whole life, I have simply been just floating along, doing what I thought I was "supposed" to be doing.) Do you understand and "own" your tastes, likes, and dislikes in life? Your friend's husband gets points for persistence and for managing to stay (or get) out of the "friendzone" -- Most likely, I would not have been able to do that.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Initial attraction and then infatuation, causes people to stick around to find out more about the other person. Love can happen, if people are willing to put some effort into getting to know the other person, beneath the superficial attraction. The difficulty is knowing who's capable of love or not, who's really sourcing below the surface and who's just, plain, superficial. Given my own experience, I absolutely agree!! Not gonna lie ... my current partner and I experienced the big sonic boom initially. The mutual attraction was off the scales and it scared the heck out of both of us. I think understanding the difference between lust and love (and both having some real relationship experience under our belts) went a long way in making us even more cautious about protecting our hearts in spite of the undeniable chemistry. But it was that “spark” between us that fueled enough interest to stick it out long enough to get acquainted when that “burned-in-the-past” flightiness set in and we might have otherwise bailed at the slightest hint of discomfort. TIME. And plenty of it, is the only way to really get to know someone beneath the superficial attraction. It’s more important to really know what someone is like when they’re at their worst than to only see them when they’re putting on their best. The deeper connection and endearing friendship that comes from trust, reliability and mutual respect (Love) is certainly more sustaining and fulfilling than the “high” that comes from the initial endorphin rush of lust. I have not only come to Love my partner, but I have never met anyone in my entire life who I genuinely “liked” and looked up to more. Over time he has become my best and most trusted friend. And while those butterflies and weak knees no longer cause us anxiety and sleepless nights ... they still come in waves at the most unlikely and unpredictable moments. Like when he’s on the roof swearing and fighting with the Christmas lights, with that same devilish grin and twinkle in his eye that first caused you to melt all those years ago. It’s in those insignificant everyday moments when you are suddenly reminded of just how lucky you are to have landed the “sexiest” person alive ... and you wanna drop all the grocery bags to go jump them.
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