alwayssme Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I read this at the library on some psychology book and found it pretty interesting...i'll summarize it for you guys... The begining of a relationship everything is new. There are butterflies (which mean "nervousness" kind of like you get anxious) There is excitement and a certain spark. After awhile you get to know this person so well, to the point that you can completely be yourself with them. Then REAL love settles in, this person becomes your best friend and kind of a reflection of yourself. Arguments take place more often because simply you are so comfortable with that person. You yell and feel as though you CAN argue with them because at the end of the day, you know this person will always be there, or you are simply so close to them that you just feel like you can say whatever is on your mind...apparently psychologically it is much easier for humans to argue with someone whos close to them and who loves them...and to act more polite towards those that we dont know as well or care for as much. Once you get to the point that your relationship is so comfortable, you feel like you "have" this person....somehow the "excitement" "butterflies" dont come around as often...Sometimes this makes people want out of the relationship BUT they dont want to walk out and regret that decision so they wait untill they KNOW that it wont hurt them...So they wait untill they know that cutting their partner out of their life will not bring alot of pain for them...with that said they could meet someone new they feel "the spark" with or are interested in...or they could simply "get over you while they are with you"...alot of times they are being selfish without admiting it to themselves...they dont tell their partner untill they are SURE that they can walk out of the relationship and be okay. When people cheat or end a relationship is because they believe it has run its course and they no longer feel like they can gain anything else out of it. Meaning that they have the upper hand and truly are over it. Harsh...Sooo I'm guessing in a relationship we just have to keep that "excitement"??? Oh and one more thing they said communication is key!! But what I don't get how come even after the excitement had gone away I STILL loved my ex and somehow I knew that things are NEVER how they are at the begining...its just how it goes...but i enjoyed that "love/best friend" feeling more than the thought of a "first kiss"....yes the begining was nice but this was much better for me at least...and he said he was VERY ATTRACTED to me....ughhh i never "fell out of love" so i wonder how the hell does that happen. anyone who has ever been REALLY into someone then they just stopped liking the person...what exactly happened and how???
Surfer Dude Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Majority of relationships end because the "spark" and "excitement" are gone. People are like that, it's easy to "love" someone while the relationship is still new and shiny, but after a while those initial feelings of infatuation go away. Now, most morons don't get it that it's perfectly normal, that every relationship is a rollercoaster of emotions, that they go away and come back eventually. Look at marriage for example. People who have been together for like 20 or 30 years can easily attest to the fact that they fell out of love and fell in love again many times. It's normal, it's natural and there's nothing weird about it. The problem is that most people don't get it and they're willing to break off a perfectly healthy relationship just because the initial spark is gone. They meet someone new and think "oh I'm so in love, this person is perfect, it feels so good". Well guess what, of course it feels good, you just met someone new, your expectations are high, you are infatuated, you're having a crush. It's sad how people lack basic understanding about these things and mess up so many things just because it feels good to screw someone new. The excitement goes away after a year or two, but the emotional bond still remains. Love is still there, but infatuation is gone and people decide to walk away. Really sad.
lofi_tokyo Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Surferdude, in response to your post I'll say this: Why settle? I think you're being incredibly critical of peoples intelligence saying that they just bail out of relationships because they do not understand that the spark can fade and come back. Personally, I think a lot of people realize that is the case. But... when you're young, for instance, you're not looking to settle right away perhaps, so why not keep chasing the good feelings, rather than trudging through the trenches until you're old and grey. And beyond that, for anyone - young or old - sometimes that initial spark wears off, and people just realize they are not happy in the relationship they're in. Even if it APPEARS perfectly good, happy, and loving, if a person is unhappy in a relationship, then I think its unfair to be cruel to them for wanting out. Yes, people make mistakes in relationships - we all do. But in the grand scheme of things, we need to make mistakes to learn, and sometimes, what appears to be a mistake to some, is not a mistake at all - its very deliberate. Also, in response to your original post, Always: Thats one THEORY. Theories are not concrete. So I wouldn't obsess too much over what you read.
Surfer Dude Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Surferdude, in response to your post I'll say this: Why settle? I think you're being incredibly critical of peoples intelligence saying that they just bail out of relationships because they do not understand that the spark can fade and come back. Personally, I think a lot of people realize that is the case. But... when you're young, for instance, you're not looking to settle right away perhaps, so why not keep chasing the good feelings, rather than trudging through the trenches until you're old and grey. And beyond that, for anyone - young or old - sometimes that initial spark wears off, and people just realize they are not happy in the relationship they're in. Even if it APPEARS perfectly good, happy, and loving, if a person is unhappy in a relationship, then I think its unfair to be cruel to them for wanting out. Yes, people make mistakes in relationships - we all do. But in the grand scheme of things, we need to make mistakes to learn, and sometimes, what appears to be a mistake to some, is not a mistake at all - its very deliberate. Also, in response to your original post, Always: Thats one THEORY. Theories are not concrete. So I wouldn't obsess too much over what you read. Hey Tokyo Of course you could always keep chasing the high while you're young, but why settle only when you get older? Just because you are scared of being alone and the possibility of never finding a partner comes up? Now, that would also be incredibly selfish and unfair to the other person, it's basically like saying "I don't know if I like you anymore, but I'll stay because I'm in my forties and don't wanna be alone when I get old, so I'll settle". In my book, age and feelings towards someone are completely unrelated. It's ok to bail if the relationship is still young and you feel you can't have future with that person. Here we're discussing the case where people promise future, marriage and kids to each other, they spend great times together, they have established an amazing bond. And then they meet someone new and ditch their relationship for some new fling.
EmperorR Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Yep and that's why it seems so many people just dump you and rush into a new relationship quickly. It hurt alot when my ex was talking about her new guy how he gave her butterflies and she felt nothing for good old predictable never let her down me. That's when I realized how immature she really was, once the spark and "excitement" wears of with her new man she will most likely dump him and cheat on him and continue on her pathetic cycle. She was actually telling me how perfect her and her new guy are together, how they both like math, and the same color and want the same amount of children. She was already thinking about marriage after a WEEK and both being teachers and having 3 kids. At least her immaturity finally made me start NC and got me to where I am today. I think the spark goes in every relationship, once you know everything about someone, their habits, their interests, they get kind of stale etc. Think of when you first were with your bf or gf you'd talk on the phone for hours, for hours on msn yahoo etc., and the time would feel so short. You'd ask a billion questions, spend so so so much time together. Then as the weeks turn to the months and months to years you still love them, but you don't talk as much, don't go out as much, you wonder if there si something better out there etc. Hell I did, when my ex went from some sweet loving girl to some cranky nagging, jealous, paranoid person, but unlike her I didn't bail out of the relationship and tried to wokr on it, going on trips doing new stuff.
Benique Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 There are so many kinds of people,that every time they mingle,every relationship would be just of some different type and never alike another one. If the author is asking how it happened personally with the forum members, then I will tell my own opinion with pleasure . Agreeing that the excitement butterflies in tummy are really very attractive in the very start of the romantic relationship, however when settling in the marriage , I consider that exactly that REAL love as mentioned by the author , the love which is established as that friendship and partnership are most important . And if even those butterflies are over and away ,that is not the reason to fall for anyone other who would make us feel some butterflies... well,its not my case . I am a stable person loving stability . If in my marriage (I am married for 26 years already to a person whom I married with by love and brought up twin girls together with ) something like "sparks" again happens,then that probably will be something that caught my soul too deep rather than just seeking some excitement in life . Even then I would prefer to wait with making quicky decisions.
EmperorR Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Also would like to add, And I guess that's why they can move on so easily because they already checked out of the relationship long before, instead of communicating it, there moving on while they are with you, lying that they love you, basically using you then dropping the bomb cutting you out and moving on like its nothing.
Surfer Dude Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Also would like to add, And I guess that's why they can move on so easily because they already checked out of the relationship long before, instead of communicating it, there moving on while they are with you, lying that they love you, basically using you then dropping the bomb cutting you out and moving on like its nothing. Exactly. Utmost disrespect and selfishness. And like you mentioned in your previous post, it's a certain sign of mental and emotional immaturity to leave your long term partner just because someone you just met can spark butterflies in you. It's just silly and morally wrong to the other person. I admit I felt butterflies when I talked to some hot girls who were hot for me too, but I would never ever even think of leaving my loved one for them, or even cheating. We feel those kinds of things and it's normal but it's necessary not to act based on them. My ex said she was deeply in love with a guy she dumped me for. Guess what, she dumped him after 2 weeks. Then she said she was in love with someone else, he also got dumped for some dude. Now she is with that dude and I know for a fact that their relationship is not going to last, because past behavior indicates future behavior.
inulg Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Surferdude, in response to your post I'll say this: Why settle? ... when you're young, for instance, you're not looking to settle right away perhaps, so why not keep chasing the good feelings, rather than trudging through the trenches until you're old and grey. And beyond that, for anyone - young or old - sometimes that initial spark wears off, and people just realize they are not happy in the relationship they're in..... sorry, I think i'm going to have to side with surferdude... it's not about age... it is definately about emotional maturity. the initial spark will ALWAYS wear off... its something you have to work together to KEEP.
Ingenue Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I have to agree with most posters here. Being on the receiving end of the "no spark" email conversation, I think there is some validity in suggesting that it is those who are emotionally immature who honestly believe that relationships are continually one long spark fest. Mature and healthy individuals who have a realistic view of love understand that when you're together, the nature of love evolves. It may not always spark and there will be highs and lows to any relationship. It is up to both partners to remedy and work through whatever differences the relationship may encounter providing that there is adequate communication. I certainly see how some people may constantly seek that spark in relationships and move from relationship to relationship. That is fine if both parties in a relationship agree to that. I think the honest thing to do in that case is to inform a potential partner of that. Had I been told by my ex that he was constantly seeking a relationship that sparked, I never would have even dated him. I wasted five years of my life with a man who is a serial spark chaser.
inulg Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Had I been told by my ex that he was constantly seeking a relationship that sparked, I never would have even dated him. I wasted five years of my life with a man who is a serial spark chaser. :'( we waste so much time on people who can't give back... why?? I wasted 7 years of my life on someone like this
Ingenue Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 :'( we waste so much time on people who can't give back... why?? I wasted 7 years of my life on someone like this Maybe we're naive? moronic? too in love to recognise the signs of a serial spark chaser? optimistic and hopeful that things will work out? I honestly don't know. This spark thing just creeped up on me out of the blue. My partner never really communicated it to me at the end. He just said it one day in an email. It's hard to say why anybody stays in a relationship inulg. We did, you for 7, me for 5. But that is in our past and it's time to move on. We can use this as a learning experience and choose mates more selectively and with more experience. We can't do anything other than that. The longer we lament over it, is more time wasted. Somewhere out there is a person who you will connect with.
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