sunshinegirl Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I’m sitting by a roaring fire at my sister’s house, babysitting her three kids while she and hubby are at a party. I’ve been doing better in the last several days in terms of putting my breakup further behind me. I’ve been doing a ton of work on myself and sorting out my patterns, and I think I have been pretty healthy in my re-entry into the dating world (weeding out the obviously unavailable ones, giving others multiple chances before deciding they’re not for me). Still, though, I am feeling pretty bummed out tonight. I have been “multi-dating” and have 3 really good guys at my doorstep. Like, really really good. Available. Employed. Good looking. At least somewhat connected to their feelings. Clear about being interested in me. And yet I feel no chemistry with any of them. Not that I haven’t tried: I’ve gone out with one guy 9 or 10 times now but the spark just isn’t igniting on my end. I've gone out with the other two once each, and nothing—and I mean nothing—has stirred in my loins for them, either. All of which is doing a huge number on me – is it me? them? What is going on and am I ever going to meet someone (healthy) that excites me? What’s it going to take to actually turn me on? I turn 35 in 10 days and I really really bummed myself out by thinking that I will have no special someone on my birthday, Christmas, New Years... etc. I did last year, dammit and I really do not want to go into doom loops about my ex and what he’s doing this year. Bleah!!
orangehose Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I turn 35 in 10 days and I really really bummed myself out by thinking that I will have no special someone on my birthday, Christmas, New Years... etc. I did last year, dammit and I really do not want to go into doom loops about my ex and what he’s doing this year. Bleah!! Well, good for you for going out with those guys... a whopping three!! I'm flabbergasted But at least you're trying. . Is it just a matter of physical attraction, or some more elusive "connection" / personality attraction? I think the latter is much harder to find. Either way, though, don't beat yourself up for not wanting these guys. You can't force things. I haven't formally "dated", but I've hung out with a few guys in the past months, and well, I feel like my desire for a relationship has died. I feel unable to like someone enough to spend a lot of time with them. If I begin to like someone, a little voice in my head says, "Moron. You got burned so badly the last time you got into a relationship. And you want to waste your time in one AGAIN?" It just seems so idiotic to be putting myself back in a position to be hurt. So I (emotionally) run from any real involvement. Does any of this resonate with you? I know the pain I endured as a result of my last breakup has made me gun-shy. A guy had better be INCREDIBLE for me to again risk emotional pain. Perhaps your standards have also been raised as a result of your experiences...
inulg Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I know exactly how you feel and i think orangehose described it a bit... it's probably just your 'subconsious' trying to hold you back a little... i feel perhaps also it might have to do with the fact that these guys aren't really what you're looking for... yes they fit the qualifications of being happy and healthy, but i think it goes alot deeper than that... i hope..
alwayssme Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 its so hard to find that connection. and it seems like when you do its way too passionate and everything is great at first, then it goes to hell. i never understood why people around me conform to a nice guy good job and attraction. i myself i prefer the whole fire in my chest when i see him and butterflies when he calls me. but then it goes to ****. soo.....i agree with your last word.. "bleah!!" lol couldnt agree more....damn it this break-up and dating again thing....ahhhh!!! lol
alwayssme Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 you find that one guy you fall in love with..everything is perfect...then it goes to hell.......and then u just cant shake that freaking feeling of missing your ex....even when u get to a conclusion of **** him, if he doesnt want me i'll find somebody else...you meet other people who seem great but somehow there is no connection......lol great
Ingenue Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 SSG, do you feel any better today? I'm sorry you were feeling so blah yesterday, but you should give yourself some credit. You're attempting to date and move on with your life. That is commendable. I haven't even started to date yet. If you're not ready, don't rush it. Take as much time as you need.
Author sunshinegirl Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Thanks, all. I've been meaning to reply but I had a busy day. I am feeling better today, mostly because I was with friends and family all day and it was a good reminder to me of all of the love and good things I already have in my life. I'll try to write more later tonight- several people wrote some good things on this thread that I want to respond to. But I'm babysitting again tonight so have kid duty for the next couple of hours.
Author sunshinegirl Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Well, good for you for going out with those guys... a whopping three!! I'm flabbergasted But at least you're trying. . Is it just a matter of physical attraction, or some more elusive "connection" / personality attraction? I think the latter is much harder to find. Either way, though, don't beat yourself up for not wanting these guys. You can't force things. I haven't formally "dated", but I've hung out with a few guys in the past months, and well, I feel like my desire for a relationship has died. I feel unable to like someone enough to spend a lot of time with them. If I begin to like someone, a little voice in my head says, "Moron. You got burned so badly the last time you got into a relationship. And you want to waste your time in one AGAIN?" It just seems so idiotic to be putting myself back in a position to be hurt. So I (emotionally) run from any real involvement. Does any of this resonate with you? I know the pain I endured as a result of my last breakup has made me gun-shy. A guy had better be INCREDIBLE for me to again risk emotional pain. Perhaps your standards have also been raised as a result of your experiences... YES...everything you said resonates! *sigh* I'm struggling in some cases w/ physical attraction, in other cases w/ connection. Yeah, part of me just feels like my desire for a relationship is dead. Like my body/heart/mind just don't respond to men even though I know I do want a good relationship. With the most promising guy of the three, I am definitely holding back out of fear. I just don't want to put myself out there again. Especially if I'm not yet sure he's INCREDIBLE, as you say. I think I just feel so surprised that I am this gun-shy after this breakup. I have had very hard breakups before - two before this one - but neither one of them affected me like this. I was always able to go on and "love like you've never been hurt before". Maybe this breakup was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back? I'm not sure how to get myself back to risking this kind of hurt again.
Author sunshinegirl Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 I know exactly how you feel and i think orangehose described it a bit... it's probably just your 'subconsious' trying to hold you back a little... i feel perhaps also it might have to do with the fact that these guys aren't really what you're looking for... yes they fit the qualifications of being happy and healthy, but i think it goes alot deeper than that... i hope.. It's very hard to figure out if it's me or if these guys aren't what I'm looking for! I wind up feeling like I'm broken. I mean, these are really really good guys and I am lucky to have their attention and interest. But I'll tell you what, making out with the one guy that I've seen 9 or 10 times doesn't nearly stir me up inside the way one kiss with my ex did. So is this the wrong guy for me, or did I feel that kind of passion with my ex simply because my ex was unavailable and that triggered all kinds of deep-seated stuff in me that showed up as passion and chemistry?
inulg Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 It's very hard to figure out if it's me or if these guys aren't what I'm looking for! I wind up feeling like I'm broken. I mean, these are really really good guys and I am lucky to have their attention and interest. But I'll tell you what, making out with the one guy that I've seen 9 or 10 times doesn't nearly stir me up inside the way one kiss with my ex did. So is this the wrong guy for me, or did I feel that kind of passion with my ex simply because my ex was unavailable and that triggered all kinds of deep-seated stuff in me that showed up as passion and chemistry? i'm kind of in the same boat you're in, so i'm not so sure how much wisdom my words have in them, but I have to say, I've been feeling the same way about the last 5 or so guys I've dated in the last 8 months... there was one that i REALLY had a connection with... physical and mental... but yeah, that didnt work out anyway... maybe why we feel this way is because it's too soon for us to be looking for a *real* commited relationship? Maybe the only thing we're capible of right now is 'casual' dating, because it may seem that we're healed but really, the "scar" hasn't dissppeared yet? I sometimes I feel like I have to forget what it was like with the ex before I can move on to another serious relationship. Or perhaps it's just the types of guys i've been seeing (because i DID feel a strong connection with that one guy, he just decided that i wasnt right for him ) So I'm just going to trust in the universe after my last two serious 'tragedy' relationship with men that the third one's *always* the charm (that's how the saying goes, right? ) I've learned from my mistakes, and I KNOW this next guy is gonna be pretty damn amazing... ! (PLUS i've racked up all those karma points from the last two ****ty ex's!!) I say stay strong and be patient. Something good is bound to happen, just try not to worry about how long it may take
Zapbasket Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Hey SSG! So many things I want to say in response; sorry if I'm kind-of all over the place. First of all, how awesome to have three guys vying for you at once! You must be giving out some level of availability vibes to pull sustained interest from three men--my experience suggests that romantic prospects can "sniff" when someone is too preoccupied with mistrust/confusion/hurt/etc. to be capable of testing the relationship waters with sincere intent. It's highly possible, then, that the "break" in the "camel's back" you're feeling inside is just a tiny crack and not a full-blown fracture. Also...if you've been on 9 dates with someone and have even made out and you're STILL not really feeling it...that strongly suggests there's just no chemistry (at least not from your end)--and it doesn't necessarily suggest that something is psychologically awry in you, keeping you from feeling what you "should" feel for this guy or the other two guys, for that matter. I was thinking about this the other day--that really, there ALWAYS is something psychologically "awry" in us at any given point. If there weren't, there wouldn't be room for us to grow emotionally. So, if this is indeed true, then after a certain amount of introspection and emotional work...interpersonal matters really boil down to timing and fit. Meaning, if you're not feeling it for these guys, that doesn't mean that if the "right" guy came your way you wouldn't be able to feel romantically for him. It's like how I always agonized when I was in my early 20s that I "still" had never had a real boyfriend. "What's wrong with me that I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and so many other people have?" I'd ask myself almost every day. And then one day, I met someone, and we hit it off and started dating, and suddenly all that angst over not having a boyfriend and what did it mean became irrelevant. I suspect it might be a similar scenario for you--i.e., your not feeling stoked about these guys means only that: that you're not stoked. And then you'll meet someone you DO feel stoked about and all the worrying will be moot. That said, there's one other possibility that flashes to mind in light of your openness here on LS about the pattern you're noticing, of your choosing unavailable men. I heard someone say the other day, "Nothing becomes more desirable than love that is withheld." Mayyyyybe (and this may be way off base) your sparks of attraction have, in the past, gone off more for those unavailable men--meaning that you're not even INTERESTED somehow unless a part of you can sense that you're going to have to "work" to earn their love. If that's the case, then you'll have to pay close attention to yourself when you next feel a real attraction for someone--all your hormones will be leaping around and saying, "This is it! This is it!"...and it may suddenly blind you to any "unavailable-ness" emanating from the person. Hope all this helps somewhat; sorry I'm so rambley tonight; my thoughts are a bit scattered and so I'm having trouble finding the right words. I hope you feel better SSG! I know it doesn't feel like it now, and I'd feel as you do in your shoes, but as an outside observer I can say I feel confident that it WILL happen for you, when the time is right. You have so much to offer; I'm sure lots of guys see it...and sooner or later someone truly worthy of you will come your way and snap you up before you even know what hit you
Zapbasket Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Hey again SSG-- I was doing a little "LoveShack memory lane" today and I found this from you, from nearly a year ago: I said: It also advised not to have contact with your ex, and to trust that you WILL meet someone else as wonderful and that the relationship will be better because, if the other relationship were really that healthy, you wouldn't be broken up. All nice, pat thoughts... And this was your reply: I know they sound like nice, pat thoughts right now. They did to me too, when I was at a similar stage of grieving/healing as you. But you know what? In time I came to understand that sentiment as a very deep, profound truth - the furthest thing from "pat" as they come. I totally couldn't see what you meant at the time, but now, I definitely see it--and I find it ironic that in my post above I was trying to tell you the exact same thing. I thought it might help you to see that same conviction expressed in your own, perhaps long-forgotten words...so you can see that amidst all the doubts you're experiencing now, deep down you know you will come out of this with all you dreamed and more.
Author sunshinegirl Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks, GC. As I said to you last night, where did I come up with that stuff? It almost sounds...wise! I am letting two of the three guys go. Still struggling with 9 date man, however. Something about him still has me 'hooked' in some way (despite the lack of chemistry!), which is very unusual for me because once I know I am not interested, I am swift and direct in ending things. That one remains a head-scratcher. As to your other post, GC, about me being attracted to unavailable guys, that's precisely what I'm afraid of - that the ONLY men that excite me are the ones that are bad for me. What if the good guys never awaken my loins? I can just see myself becoming my late great Aunt Dora...a lifelong bachelorette and increasingly wacky over the years. I even have one of her sweater-vests in my closet, which must be 40 years old at this point... I'm just waiting for it to come back into style.
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