schewter Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]First, the SOB I've been: For twenty years I've been with my beautiful wife...there have been some good times for sure and we've managed to keep it together and even raise two special needs children (well, almost...15 and 12). I have not been a good husband though...I have worked as much at as many jobs as was necessary to provide...my wife has worked as well. Together, we have overcome many obstacles over the years such as losing everything, leaving home, friends, and family to rebuild elsewhere. The one constant for twenty years has been my addictive personality. Booze, drugs, and especially gambling have all been ongoing issues within our relationship. Of course, as anyone with addiction knowledge knows, lying is just a given...every liar isn't necessarily an addict but every addict most certainly is a liar. So, over the years I have deceived my wife in countless ways to create both the resources and time to indulge myself. It would be an understatement to say she lost all trust in me. The only thing I've never done is step out on her.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]This last year has been exceptionally bad...we had actually come through a somewhat prosperous time in the real estate boom and should have been happier but of course, having some excess money, I indulged more. I was unfocused on anything but my own demons...my wife told me three times a year ago that she "did not feel loved", that she "felt lonely", that she "didn't feel like she was married" (she basically hit me over the head with a hammer) I had taken her for granted over the years and why she even stayed is a mystery...the fact that she did is a miracle. One good thing about our relationship is that we truly are each other’s best friends...we talk numerous times throughout the day and have always had a sort of "us against the world" mind-set...we're both a little different; she shy and me zany. I was drinking more than usual throughout the spring and into summer 2008...and spending a lot of time at the bar playing poker machines as well as working pretty much 7 days a week...that was the problem, I wasn't using my down time to be a husband...I was selfishly "relieving my stress" so I called it. I just had a s__t attitude! I had my wife on ignore. My anniversary weekend (end of June) was supposed to see us spend some time together...a movie Friday night, golf Saturday but what ended up happening was me finessing a fight so I could say f__k it! And go do my thing. When I came home drunk that night my marriage was essentially over...and I could care less.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]So for about the next ten days or so we are pretty much alienated...I'm sleeping in the basement and the plan is that I am gone at summer's end...she needs me around for the kids for summer. Then one day about a week later she tells me about two upcoming events...first, on a Thursday, she has a golf tournament to attend (she sells industrial supplies and attends these affairs occasionally put on by customers) and, she says, on the Friday after the tournament she is going golfing with "Trevor and Daren"...this turns out to be untrue but I'll get to that...anyway, this is my "wake-up call". I tell her that she should at least wait until I am gone before she starts dating...then I have an out and out epiphany. I realize that I love this woman more than anything...I beg her to come back to me...Over the course of the next month I quit drinking, gambling, smoking, all drugs and lost 40 pounds...I had a complete emotional collapse brought on by guilt, shame, withdrawal etc. Throughout July she continued to resent me (she has since confided that she out and out hated me for about a year from Sept 2007) but began to at least give hope...saying occasionally I think we might be okay and lets give it to Christmas. I did suspect that there might be something up with her...being so focused on her, obsessed really, I could feel the presence of another man; she just wasn't herself...when I would ask her she would deny...tell me I'm still the only guy in her life...and basically stick with the mantra that the only thing up was her resentment for the 20 years of lies and bad behavior on my part...and I couldn't call her a liar cause she'd never been one; EVER!! But I just knew...and didn't. I even saw the guy's name who it turned out to be on her facebook account...and I had a feeling about him cause his profile only listed two friends; my wife and some other guy. He posted no pictures and I saw evidence that he had chatted with my wife in the evening...it seemed "contrived". I asked her about him around the end of June...she said he was "just a customer" and that he lived out of town and was married with two kids. This all turned out to be true and that saved me so to speak...I'll get to that. So all summer I am a fixture at the local flower shop...they know me by name. My hands smell of massage oil...I am doing everything in my power to be the husband she deserves...our sex life is wonderful after about six months of my inattentiveness. However, I am not sleeping because I am now hyper-sensitive to her moods and still feel "something" is up...I lay in bed at night imagining every scenario possible...the name's of customers take on a whole new significance...I never use to care but now when she tells me she has to attend a business lunch I am stressed. All her customers are men...a business lunch usually means her and the company's outside sales rep and anywhere from 2-4 male reps from the client company...my wife and 3-5 men. Yikes! Oh, and she truly is strikingly attractive...I'm not just saying that...she is a buxom brunette...pretty and curvaceous. So, July fades into August and I begin to feel I am making progress but it is a roller coaster ride...we are even doing things geared toward the future...she tells me she loves me and I know for a fact that nothing physical has been happening with anyone because she just hasn't been unaccounted for but her moods are volatile...one day I am beside her heart feeling good and the next day she harbors resentment, back and forth; up and down; on and on. Even the kids are aware something's up...I'm weird due to withdrawal etc. and my wife just looks awkward around her family. In August, she goes out of town for four days for company training...no, really. This had been on the horizon for months and I saw the itinerary and helped book through the company plan. I am stressed nonetheless...4 days with just me and the kids and no smoking or drinking! Aaaaaaarrrrrrghggggghhhhhhh!!!! And of course all the scary scenarios my mind continues to conjure up aren't helping. Should mention that by this time I have been trying to hack into her hotmail acct. but she would not access it at home (afraid of key-logger software...good reason to be) I almost went with an online hacker but feared they may just send her an Email if I submitted her Email address...she also has a company Email that can only be accessed at work.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] So, basically, when I am with her I am content, attentive, loving, etc. and when I am not with her (I'm still working a lot) I am paranoid, stranger wary, love-sick, can't eat, can't sleep, etc. Finally, in mid September, the roller-coaster ride of her hot and cold comes to an abrupt end when I can no longer take it anymore and tell her that it makes no logical sense to me for her to tell me the night before that we are finished...then tell me the next morning that she loves me...then tell me at noon that we are again finished. I say "there has to be something else going on" and demand that she tell me...the silence on the phone was deafening. Then she says it..."I haven't been completely honest". "Who is it"? I ask...and I start spouting off names of customers she has mentioned (had to be a customer...she never went anywhere and didn't do anything at home) As it turns out it was the guy from the facebook scenario...it is an affair of the heart and it has gotten pretty involved. She tells me that they have been exchanging Emails daily and he calls her several times a day...they have confided that they can't stop thinking about one another and have a sexual fantasy scenario going involving a motel rendezvous and she tells me that he wants to take her to Mexico...I really don't want the details. She describes her feeling for him as a strong sexual attraction...she says that they have never said anything about love and that she does not feel that way...most of this she tells me later in the evening when we are together...I call his home in the afternoon just to let him know the gigs up...his wife answers and I leave a message for him to call me...his wife is, of course, curious and I just tell her that he'll know what it is about when he hears my name. He never does call me...oddly though, his wife calls back the next day and I tell her what is going on...he had told my wife that he was living in the same home as his wife and kids but that they were divorced (sheeesh)...his wife portrays it differently...she says he is a recovering cocaine addict and that she was just beginning to trust him again. She also tells me that she's been down this road before and further than this...she also says "yes" when I ask "is he a player"? She asks me if my wife is a sales-woman and when I say she is she tells me that her husband told her that my wife was just someone he buys stuff from. She went on to tell me that her husband had been talking about going to Mexico by himself sometime and that he was planning to be in our city in about ten days for a night…he was going with a friend.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My wife has already told me that she decided to end it with him the day before when she came clean and that she had already sent him an Email that morning because you see, he was coming to town in about 10 days and was more or less expecting the "fantasy" to become a reality...she told him I suppose that as much as she wanted to she just couldn't cross that bridge...there'd be no turning back and it would leave her life in shambles...financially ruined and family destroyed. I told her what his wife told me and she of course felt like a fool for believing his BS...she'd been played to some degree.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Here's what I think happened: This guy worked for an out of town company that dealt with my wife as clients...he was not even the individual who my wife dealt with, that would be the purchaser. This guy was a project supervisor so he did have cause to talk to my wife on a few occasions about technical scenarios...she is a very endearing woman who does not like to offend...something about her got on this guys mind. As I mentioned, my wife deals primarily with male clientele and thus gets a lot of smutty Email jokes pass through her in-box...I had told her in the past not to let guys send her that **** and not to forward it around because it's just not lady like but she doesn't wanna seem prudish and kinda likes to feel like "one of the boys"...anyway, the purchaser for this company is on her forward list and he subsequently forwards her stuff on to the stud-muffin (SM) who played my wife, I think he got the impression from these sexually vulgar jokes that my wife was the kind of woman who might like to play around. Sometime in April the SM calls my wife for some made-up reason and at the end of the call mentions to her that he noticed that some of the Email jokes the purchaser has been sending him have come from her and "why doesn't she just send 'em direct to him"...and there friends is his play...establishing a direct link to my wife. She doesn't see a big deal with this and says sure...and so it begins. She keeps sending the **** on and now this guy is making comments back to her every chance he gets...way too soon he confides in her his made-up marital situation...she finds this a little weird but she's starting to kinda dig the attention; remember, she's being pretty much ignored by her husband. By early June this guy is beginning to get pretty flirty and suggestive and she's doing nothing to discourage him...she changes companies and brings him along as a customer and things excel. Around the tenth of June she realizes that he is becoming interested in her and warns him with no great conviction that she is 18 years married and has two children. He Emails her back that he is sorry and that her husband is a lucky guy...she replies thank you for being so understanding and no reason we can't still be friends. I think he lets up for a day or two but he's back at it in no time and despite declaring the fact that she is married my wife does not act as such...again, I remind you she hates me at this time and had already made up her mind to leave me. She doesn't really think she's doing anything wrong with that being the case. Things continue to excel...between the 10th and 23d of June the Facebook thing happens...she had told him to create an account so he could have a looksy at her and she could keep in touch...he writes a couple of long messages to her which she is quick to delete and tells him not to do that for fear I may see them...mind you, I'm still oblivious at this time to anything she is up to. Then happens our anniversary weekend and my figurative "F__k YOU"!! So, my wife decides to just see where this thing is gonna go and then it really begins to escalate.For about the last three weeks of July while I’m at home a mess; lovesick and depressed to the point of near collapse my wife gets further involved with SM during her workday…the new company is a little slow getting going so she has a lot of time to screw around on Email and phone…she looks forward to Monday mornings so she can see what he has written her…she is non-committal to me and us but doesn’t slam the door on me either…she is still full of resentment and brings up many of my worst moments from years past…the more she resents me the easier for her to carry on with him. Early August gives way to some optimism, she says things like “lets give it to Christmas” and “ I think we might be all right”. I still frequently ask her if something’s going on and she continues to say “no”. But things are beginning to really heat up with SM…I feel that this is when the hook-up fantasy begins to take shape as well as talk of Mexico. Mid August my wife goes away for training and I am miserable while she is gone…I contemplate hacking into her hotmail account through an online service but fear they will merely send her an Email alerting her if I do submit her address. I learn later that SM sent her Emails her last two days there…if only. So I pick her up at the airport Thursday night and she comes home to two dozen roses and a doting husband.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]She’s back at work the next day…back in fantasy-land. Sometime around the middle of August SM sends her an Email which if genuine gives her the opportunity to back things off however my instincts tell me it was more about seeing where she truly stood and gauging whether the motel thing was ever gonna happen. He said something like “I can see you’re not the kind of woman who plays my hanky-panky games”[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My wife replies to his Email by saying she felt that she owed it to her family to at least try and make our marriage work…she’d told him that I was doing everything physically possible to win her back. She also tells him (and this hurts) that she feels like she is being dumped (by him) and that (this REALLY hurts) she can’t stop thinking about him too. (he’d already expressed the same sentiment) I have difficulty understanding how she could put those three statements in the same Email and reconcile them with one another…it’s like “Yeah, I want to try and save my marriage but don’t stop what you’re doing”.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]So now I suppose she’s like putty in his hands…I think this is where she goes from passive to active participant in the sexual scenario…he’s coming to town in September and things are looking like a go for the booty-call except for hubby (me) who’s still watching her pretty closely. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Now, she’s having a difficult time playing both sides…at work its fantasy land and she’s addicted to it. At home its reality…me, the kids and she hates herself when there for what’s happening at work…she loves me, she loves me not…I’m a yo-yo riding a roller-coaster strapped to a piston right up until “disclosure day” (D-Day) Sept. 17 (my 9-11)…the day I learned that God lied. (if I believed in God) Anyway, what happened was he was coming to town around the end of August and according to my wife (tho it makes little sense) the fantasy was still being played hot and heavy but my wife says all she would commit to was maybe to go for a bike ride. He was suggesting she look for a motel, apparently, with a hot-tub (the fantasy I guess). Panicked and feeling pressured my wife “chickens out” and tells me the truth and ends it. I think in the end she knew that she would get caught if she went through with the hook-up…that was a given since I was watching her like a hawk and I think she was afraid she may not be able to withstand the temptation of knowing he was in town and may do something she would forever regret…a life ruiner. After the **** hit the fan my wife was still pretty out of sorts for a while…this was a big part of her life for a few months and had been exhilarating and exciting, dangerous, etc. so she was having a hard time getting past it. This was hard for me too seeing my wife basically getting over another guy…he helped though, I of course told my wife about my conversation with his wife and my wife was hurt at being lied to and played for a fool. My wife called him a week later looking for I don’t know what; she says closure, she says she wanted it to end on a better note…I think the woman in her wanted him to say that he didn’t lie and everything he said was sincere…I’m glad that didn’t happen because I don’t think she could have been trusted emotionally at that time; here’s what he did say more or less. He acted a little irritated and asked if she was obsessed with him. Then he asked if she told her husband everything and mentioned that he still had all her Emails as if threatening her…then he went on to say that he felt bad for my hurt (didn’t seem to bother him when he was asking her two weeks earlier if they were gonna have an affair or what) and lastly, the thing I get a charge out of, he tells her that he isn’t very happy that his family got involved. Whaddya do? She hasn’t heard from him since. My wife has re-committed to us. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]D-day was nearly three months ago…I was quick to forgive her when she told me. Hell, if this thing wasn’t going on then the alternative was she just didn’t love me anymore and was never gonna. I also believed and still believe I had it coming for all I’d put her through over the years. She has said she was sorry and feels like a fool, like a school-girl, humiliated etc. She still doesn’t see what she did as being all that bad since it never got physical but she knows it was way over the line. I am worse now than when I found out…I obsess over it and quiz her about this and that until I find some minute little inconsistency to throw at her…or I contrast events; i.e. you and I did this on such and such a day and you were doing that with him…etc. August hurts worse than June and July…that’s when I feel she was really playing both sides and intensifying. Bottom line though…I need to get past this. I can’t think of a time when I even felt a lie from her prior to this thing. She has been a stand out as a wife and mother and deserved better than what she got from me so how do I put this thing to bed? Someone tell me. I guess the lucky thing for me is that the guy who came along turned out to be a bigger loser than me. Advice please…sorry for the book but I ramble. [/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
LakesideDream Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 First, don't cut and paste from a word processor, it doesen't work. Second use pagination! In a post like yours wading through it without breaks is more work than most will do. That being said. Welcome to the world schewter. Drinking, gambling, are the bane of happy marriages. You are fabulously lucky yours survived in any form. And... don't you just love the technology age? Email, IM, Social Networking, even cell phones. I'll bet the four above have destroyed more marriages than all causes combined in the last 5000 years. You have a lot of work to do with your wife, if she's actually willing. You seem to realize that. What she did is not your fault. It is a logical reaction to what you say you did to her for 18 years. I suggest avoiding the "blame game" altogether and begin working with what the two of you still have in common. Have you thought about seeking professional help? Your marriage sounds like one that a good counselor could help repair. I suggest you give it a try. Whatever happens it's not going to be easy. I wish you luck.
Author schewter Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 Thanks for the advice on everything...I figured the cut and paste would not work too well but after I had written my novel on the message box and clicked "submit" I was of course logged out...and lost it...had transferred a copy to Word and the rest is history. I think I just wanted to write an account as much as anything as part of the whole process. We both want to work it out...I need to shut up about it...she just wants to forget about it and I'm making that difficult. Our biggest problem and attribute is that we wear too many hats for one another...being best friends is good but it can be tough sometimes to talk to your best friend about your spouse's affair when your spouse is your best friend. We have been to counseling and will continue but you know...a month ago i thought I was getting past it but I am an analyzer...a hair-splitter to the nth degree and if all does not line up logically then I am beating it to death...and when do emotional situations ever act logical, eh? (yea Canuck) Thanx again...talk at you later.
Athena Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 <<So, basically, when I am with her I am content, attentive, loving, etc. and when I am not with her (I'm still working a lot) I am paranoid, stranger wary, love-sick, can't eat, can't sleep, etc.>> You do realize, don't you, that you became Addicted to her... this is in you, you know. <<she is still full of resentment and brings up many of my worst moments from years past…the more she resents me the easier for her to carry on with him.>> Actually, I think at this point, she was mentally changing gears -- giving herself permission to think about getting into an PA with OM! Let me tell you, you have somewhat 'rewarded' her by letting her off a tad too easily... I did this too with my H's first A, and THAT I believe, simply encouraged him to try again when the next opportunity came around, and gave him mental permission -- i.e. not too much to risk, gamble, or lose as far as our M was concerned; all that would happen was I would be hurt, but the marriage would stand -- so he did it again, and again. Don't forgive too easily! At least tell her while you are very glad and thankful that she did not sleep with him, you have realized after all this, that you will NOT TOLERATE her having an affair of any kind in the future, and that there will be consequences the next time. At least talk to her about this, so she has it in her mind as a deterrent, even if her own high morals have kept her clean thus far... Even the most loyal wife, after enough disappointments and let downs, might be tempted to succumb to another man who views her as truly special -- this OM is clearly experienced in how to slowly wear down a woman, as he has succeeded in the past with other women. BTW he sounds like he was really afraid of his own spouse being told all the nitty gritty details (when he was 'threatening your W with copies of all her emails')... so she (your W) could easily turn that around on him. How do you get over this? With Time. But, seriously, if you DO get over this, you will be back to square one -- with you turning your obsessive style nature onto something else which feeds your addictive personality... seems like you have to stay focused on her, just try to make it a healthy meeting-her-needs kind of focus.
Author schewter Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 Althena, thanks for your input...fer sure I have become obsessed with my wife. Truth is it's like meeting someone all over since I had ignored her for so long I'd forgottn what it was that I loved about her. She may have gotten off easy at first but believe me I have been pretty much torturing her with my obsession over what I have come to refer to affectionately as "that f__king thing". The deal with us is that as long as I'm being a real husband then she would have no reason to do this again...our MC made us promise one another that if there is even an interest in someone outside the marriage we have to let one another know immediately. First thing my wife did was delete all the **** he'd sent her...she didn't want the constant reminder. And I sure as hell didn't want to lay eyes on any of it...my imagination's scary enough. I get your point about the addiction thing...just need to find better more healthier addictions. Thanks again.
Athena Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 It sounds like this incident served as a wake up call for you. Glad to hear you cleaned up your stuff and are back to enjoying your wife. All the best to you both
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