My Husband Slept with my 14yr old sister and got her pregnent

[swoodsward]

I have just found out that my husband has been having a sexual relationship with my youngest sister for 4 months. Who has only just turned 15. I have also found out that she is 12 wks pregnent with his baby. This was all happing right under my nose. I am now having to struggle with the fact she is pregnent and that he may go to prison for his actions. I hate him for what he has done, but I still want to be with him through all of it. I just don't know how to cope with myself let alone this. I have nowhere to turn, my family don't want anything to do with me and I have not been able to seek help elsewhere. I am so alone.

[CarrieT]

I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through but, really woman, the answer is OBVIOUS: Contact the police and have him arrested for Statutory Rape. What he did is beyond reprehensible and he should be in jail. How can you consider being with a man who abused and destroyed the life of a CHILD, your sister? You should do whatever you can to be there for her and help your sister and her child through the horrible struggles they are going to have. You should be on her side as a victim, not your husband's who is obviously an abuser.

[Lizzie60]

Ouch.. you need to kick this pervert to the curb.

 

He's a pedophile.. how can you still want to be with him after all this... gosh... he has no respect for you, her, even himself..

[Taramere]

I'm sorry. You sound terribly isolated. Why do your family want nothing to do with you? Is it because of what happened, or is it because despite what happened you want to stick by your husband?

 

If it's the latter, I guess I can understand - harsh as it might sound to you. To trust a person, . I think you must have a sense that they have boundaries of some sort. Lines that they will not cross - even under stress and pressure. From his behaviour, your husband has demonstrated that he's lacking in at least one boundary which is generally deemed to be essential in our society. That is, you don't sleep with children.

 

By standing by him and saying you'll wait for him if he goes to prison, people are liable to assume that you condone his breach of that boundary. Even if that's not what you intend, that's the message most people will take...and that's a thing you'll somehow have to learn to deal with if you're bent on sticking by him.

 

Is he worth it? I mean, he's not just a cheat - he's a paedophile who slept with your little sister. Do you feel unable to manage without someone like that in your life, and if so why? Would you be prepared to go to counselling in an effort to unravel some of this in your mind...with a view to making the break from your husband?

 

Or is your stance that you intend to stick by him regardless of what he's done? Regardless of whether it leaves you similarly alienated by society?

[anne1707]

There is no other way to put it. Dump him. Get that worthless piece of **** out of your life. The priority now is your sister and helping her get over what this ******* has done to her and help her deal with being a mother at such a young age.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

You need to get someone outside parties involved in all of this.

Problems with him, problems with your sister sleeping with him, a minor, lying, cheating, and another life may could out of all of it who will ultimately suffer the most.

 

With the the information provided, counseling for yourself personally is the first step in coping with it.

[lovelorcet]

This is so sad, and my heart goes out to you. This is no simple affiar of course and you are going to need to come to terms with the fact that your husband is a sexual predator. Is that the kind of person who you want to share a future with?

[norajane]

but I still want to be with him through all of it.

 

Why why WHY???

 

I'd be the first in line to hang anyone who did such a thing to my sister, regardless of who it is. That you want to sticky by him is why your family doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

Since he is capable of doing what he did to both your sister and you, he is an abuser. I don't know a lot about abusive men, but it sure seems like their victims find it very difficult to leave the abusers. I'd suggest seeing a good therapist to help you heal yourself so you gain the strength and presence of mind to break free from whatever hold he has on you.

 

And the sooner, the better.

[marlena]

but I still want to be with him through all of it.

 

If ever I could hate a person and never want to see his face again, this would be it. I am sorry that you are going through this and your poor sister too but I am APALLED that you even want to breathe in the same room as this poor excuse of a human-being.

[xpaperxcutx]

If you stick by your husband, then you're an accessory to his actions. Not only are you not keeping your sister away from him, but you're allowing this rapist to continue to live in an environment where there are children around. You should be ashamed of yourself. Get a divorce and sent his ass to jail. Rapists don't change, let alone pedophiles.

[Ronni_W]

Big hugs, swoodsward.

I do understand that up until you found out, you loved your husband. That doesn't get "turned off" right away, even when there is a mountain of evidence and a ton of people saying that he no longer deserves your loyalty and support.

 

I suspect you are still in shock -- at least, I would still be in shock. If that's the case for you, too, then naturally thoughts and feelings will be all cloudy and obscure. Wise decision-making will likely not come too easy, at this point.

 

It is terribly important, IMO, for you to get some professional counseling. Free services would be women's hostels/shelters, community services, even crises lines. While you yourself have not been raped, the rape crisis counselors will have the compassion to hear you, and to refer you to a possibly better resource.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and without comfort and understanding from your own family. I do understand their position as well, if they are just seeing it as you "sticking by your pervert-rapist husband."

 

Of course that is part of the whole picture but, right now, my sense is that your focus may be somewhere else, entirely. For you, there are many other parts to the whole.

Again, I do encourage you to find a counselor with whom you can unburden your heart. Support is out there...and it is your responsibility to find it for yourself.

 

God bless.

[Tarantula]

I am really very sorry to hear all what has happened to you ..It`s sad and very heartbreaking .

I understand your feelings..all .

I understand why you want to stand by your husband`s side even now ,

but

...it`s a mistake , illusion , that you have to fight with ...

 

You , as a woman with the feeling of selfrespect , need to overcome this illusion ,dear ...

He is the last person you need by your side in life .

[GPFan]

I hate him for what he has done, but I still want to be with him through all of it.

Please don't make any long-term decisions whilst still in 'discovery shock.' Give yourself a LOT more time!

 

It could be argued that he betrayed you, your sister and your family. If your family is angered and outraged, that is normal and understandable; they should be.

 

You are in a position to choose; your husband or your family and you can't have both and you can't expect them to stand by you as you stand by your (and their) betrayer.

[wuggle]

What a mess, I feel for you. I understand that you love this guy and that shows a strength of character on your part but as other people here have said IMO it is wrong to stand by him. Any man who can not control his sexual urges to the extent of peodophillic rape of your 14 year old sister (and yes it is rape, she IS too young to consent, that is what our society tries to protect against!) is really not a decent man and I can honestly foresee you staying with him, alienating your family and finally finding this out in years to come when his true colours come out again and ending up sad and alone. I recomend you report him to the police, then try to get him to accept some help, then move completely away from him, any obligations you had are null and void. Apologise to your family and do whatever you can to help your sister, your allegiance should be with her, she is the victim, support her no matter what and always remember she IS the victim (even if she consented, she was only 14!!). Good luck.

[marlena]

Just curious. How old are you? And how old is your husband? Is he close to your sister's age? Do you think that this was a mutual consent thing or do you think that he raped/forced her to have sex? Is she planning to keep the baby? I am sorry for all the questions. I do not mean to pry. I am only trying to understand the situation better.

 

Once again. I am sorry. It's going to take a long,long time to get over this and my heart goes out to you and your family.

[swoodsward]

I am 27 my husband is 26 and yes she has decided that she wants to keep the baby.

[swoodsward]

I do not consent what he has done I know it was wrong, but what she said to the police was that she wanted to do this with him. They acepted that. I know my sister and although she was still young she knew to a certain extent what she was doing. I saw her flurting with him and just thought it was a typical teenage crush I never thought anything of it.

[anne1707]

She was 14. So what if she was flirting. She is just a girl. He is a grown man and knows better. He should not have gone near her. This is not your sister's fault - he abused her one way or another, it does not matter that she consented. I am quite sure your sister deeply regrets what has happened now. She is the one who is paying for your husband's wrong doing.

 

How long have you known your husband - just asking because your if you have known each other for a few years then he has been watching your sister grow up from a young child to where she is now. Unfortunately she is going to have to grow up a lot faster now.

[swoodsward]

Your right it does not matter that she was flirting he should have been strong enough to stay away. He has known my sister since she was 11yrs old. Thats how long he has been in my life and yes he watched her grow up. How you said it makes me feel like he was grooming her for this.

[Benique]

..knowing your sister from such a little age of 11 ,

your husband had to feel some parental feelings to your sister,

if he was normal .. and not making her pregnant when she is 14 and was starting her life .

[wuggle]

I would not assume he was grooming her, I doubt things are that simple. I would hazzard a guess and say he just started finding her attractive one day, she was getting flirty etc, He probably fought back feelings but eventually gave in to them, I strongy doubt he was grooming her, deliberately or otherwise, and I would further add that you should NOT feel bad for watching him do this, I strongly doubt you knew, this isn't your fault !. IMO many men have found themselves in this position, young girls can be flirty as they try to find thier feet in a new adult world, find out about thier sexuality etc, 14 is a confusing time. BUT as a civilised society we draw lines in the sand, usually in western cultures this is that people should not be having sex before they are 16. As a society we do this to protect our young from themselves and those elements of society who would use or abuse them. Your sister may have THOUGHT she was old enough to have sex but most of us agree, especially as we get older and see the wisdom of it, that she wasn't. How many decisions did you make at 14 that you look back on now and see were childish and immature, but they didn't seem so at the time. Your husband was old enough to be able to see the rights and wrongs, and should have fought back those feelings a lot harder, in not doing so he showed a serious character flaw and unless he accepts this flaw, and gets some serious help to grow is in danger of destroying your life as well, because you love him and want to stand by him. I tried to hint in my last post that you shouldn't be blaming your sister, I will say it again but a bit clearer. At 14 you sister may have consented or even encouraged this, but as older people I'm sure most would admit that she was too young to be making these choices, your husband should have seen this, he is to blame, not her and not you, at worst your sister can be accused of being immature, childish and confused. You are both victims in this. Help each other. Good luck.

[marlena]

Again, if you don't mind my asking, why has she decided to keep the baby? It's almost incest especially if you have children as well. What do your parents advise her to do? How are you dealing with her? And your husband? What is his stance in the whole matter? Is he in love with her? Is she?

 

Once again, sorry for the "interrogation" but there are so many parameters!!

 

You need help and support. Lean on anyone who will listen. Even us here on LS. Amazing how catharctic it is to unburden your soul even to stangers on the Internet.

[swoodsward]

I am not quite sure why she wants to keep the baby. There has been talks about abortions, by police our parents even myself and I don't personaly believe in them. My mother does not want her to have the child, all she keeps saying is, its my baby and I want to keep it. I have one son and he knows too much already, because of what he has heard from other family members. She has not looked at his feelings in all this, but then again why would she. She does not understand that what she is doing right now is not right in the long run. I am still in shock at the moment and I am very angry with the pair of them. She has been asking my brothers to phone me up to make me upset so she can use anything she can against me to the police. I have had a warning from them because of the way she has made me feel. I had my fallopian tubes out 12wks ago on the 18th of September. 2 days before she fell pregnant with my husbands baby and now I can not concieve. My son is not my husbands baby and I always wanted to have one with him, as he has none himself. He has always wanted children and I was hoping I could do that. Instead I have my tubes removed and at the same time she is pregnent, no wounder I am in a mess, she just does not understand how this has made me feel. I don't want her to have it. He says he does not love her and his reasons for all this was that he felt lonely and un-loved. We were going through a rough time and she happened to be the only one there. My mum and her was living at our house at the time. This was for 3mths. I don't know if that is true or not, I just don't know what to believe.

[sb129]

Believe this:

Your husband is a cheating, lying scumbag who WILL do this to you again if you stay with him.

 

This is pretty much the worst kind of cheating someone can do- with an immediate family member of their spouse. Its selfish and manipulative because it puts you in an impossible situation. Not to mention in this case its ILLEGAL.

 

Your sister is a child- she has no clues as to how her actions will affect you or even her. She hasn't a clue what its like to be a mother or what that involves. Its unlikely anyone will make her see sense until its too late anyway.

 

YOU have to be the adult in this. You are the only person still capable of rational thought. Your parents should still be able to push for prosecution of your H- your sister is a minor.

 

If I were you I would be seeing my lawyer ASAP to start divorce proceedings.

[anne1707]

I feel so desperately sorry for you. You are being torn apart by a situation that you have no responsibility for or control over.

 

Your sister is in pain and incredibly mixed up. She will lash out and in her confused mind you will be the most obvious candidate (totally wrong but she is scared). With regard to an abortion, there are arguments for and against which are all too complicated for here. But I think whilst you understandably do not want her to have the child, I think you need to try really hard to avoid expressing this view. Your sister is not thinking as a rational adult (again understandable) and may resent your opinion at the moment.

 

I am not sure of why you had the surgery but I assume it was for medical grounds. Therefore you would have been incredibly vulnerable and emotional over the last few months whilst facing this decision when you wanted children. It seems like your husband has used this as a reason for his behaviour but to me it adds to his betrayal. When you needed him most, he did this.

 

I really think you need to see a counsellor so you can start to work our what you want and how to deal with this mess. But please remember - the only person to blame is your husband. Not you and not your sister.