donno Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 I came to this website to just browse but came accross some great threads with similar circumstances and great replies so I want some too! (replies that is!) Sooo.. 30 years old married for 3 1/2 years, together for 5 years before that. We have 2 Children--1 1/2 and 2 1/2 --I know, we wasted no time! like many, I had my doubts when getting married but knew no relationship is perfect and thought they were workable--actually, I think I was "hopeful" he would live up to my expectations. We are extremly similar; out going, hard working, driven and stubborn. (actually he WAS) O.K-great person, works hard so that we can get ahead and "tries" to be all the things he knows is important and that I value..... Someone I can depend on---he is late (30 min to and hour) every night from work, which is not such a big deal except when he is to pick the kids up from day care, or when he misses dinner with us. The same excuses are--didn't realize time, forgot...., was sopposed to..... Let me add he has untreated sleep apnea (a whole other issue) so his memory and energy have been at a low for awhile. Long story short, I cannot depend on him for anything, he has all good intentions but never follows though, he falls asleep on the couch 25 days of the month because he has become lazy (sleep apnea related) which of course results in a lack of sex. We argue alot--yes in front of the kids some times; always about the same stuff, I feel I am always let down, given excuses, taken for granted and wanting more. He always thinks it's "no big deal" and promises to...be on time, call, come up to bed, whatever it is. Nothing would get done unless I make lists, remind, then "bitch". He takes no initiative in anything from changing a light bulb to buying his own socks. Old school Mamas boy with good intentions but leaving me lonely and wanting more in a marriage. I am soo full of energy and life and want to share it with someone similar_which is no longer him...WHAT DO I DO????
Angel1111 Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 I have a friend who has sleep apnea. He'll just fall asleep on the sofa right out of the blue. It's amazing. He's very scatterbrained, too. I have to tell you that I think the sleep apnea is really affecting his life and his drive. I mean in a huge way. Has he gone to the dr. for this? I believe that something can be done about it but I'm not sure what. Please look into this before you end your marriage. And as a sidenote, please stop arguing in front of your children - this is so damaging. You and he are the adults and you should show a lot more self-control than that.
alphamale Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 When do you know it's time to throw in the towel? when you're happier if your lover/spouse isn't around...
amaysngrace Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 when you're happier if your lover/spouse isn't around... Exactly. I have to add that if he's the same age as you (30) he's not caught up yet. And what Angel says makes sense too. Find out what can be done about his condition before you end your marriage. It was in sickness and in health, right? I almost feel sorry for the guy for your lack of empathy here. He has an ailment.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Sleep Apnea can be considered a dangerous condition that will not only wear him down but increase the likelihood of suffocating in his sleep. If he has been suffering from this condition for a lengthy period of time then you should take the lead on getting him treated for he's slowly losing his mental focus. This I believe is the least you could do before making any decisions for yourself about the marriage! Imagine if you had breast cancer and your energy was so drained that you couldn't cope and your husband turned around and dumped you because he wanted more from you and the marriage!
Ronni_W Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Your husband has sleep apnea. Other than succumb to daytime sleepiness, what is he doing about it? Have you both done the necessary research to properly educate yourselves on ways to minimize the impact? Does he use an airway pressure device or oral appliance during the night? Is his weight and general health okay? Is he abstaining from alcohol and sedatives? Is it so bad that he needs to consider surgery? Sleep apnea can't be his excuse to, er, well, to sleep through life and his responsibilities and obligations as a father and husband. And his sleep apnea can't be your excuse to let the ship go down without a captain. Who is at the helm of this mess??? Which adult is in charge of what? Your cycle of "list-making, reminding, bitching" is not effective or productive...it's become part of the problem in that it is just perpetuating the non-supportive, discouraging dynamics. Your participation in a lot of arguments, the same. It's all just enabling the old crap between the two of you. Medical intervention for his sleep apnea. And marriage counseling for the two of you. Harville Hendrix has a few good books: 'Getting The Love You Want' and 'Receiving Love' may be interesting. And Gay Hendricks has 'The Conscious Heart'. Your hopes and misgivings from before the wedding ceremony are neither here nor there, at this point. You are married and you have 2 kids and an under-responsible husband with a health problem. Good luck. It's tough. Get moving to set this thing back on proper course! Seek professional help as to how to support and motivate your husband to get the help that he needs, if he doesn't have the strength to do it himself.
Author donno Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 Thank-you for your insight. Yes, after much frustration and pleading he agreed to let me (cuz god forbid he orchestrated it himself) arrange treatment; got the sleep apnea machine but doesn't use it, almost every night he says he will. I tell him to come up before he falls asleep on the couch, he says yeah in a minute and ....zzzzzzzzzzzz. So some issue the next day, tired, absentminded, says he knows and will try....same ****. His reason is it is uncomfortable so I made an appointment to get refitted for another style/size but he didn't go. By the way, he is 39. I am empathetic and educated in the condition but..you can only lead a horse to water..right? Same theme thoughout our relationship really; attempts and promises of change and "hopefullness" on my part. I just seem to be running out of hope and know how detrimental it is to argue in front of the kids-even if it is very little. Tired of my energy being drained, is a "partnership" too much to ask?? I would love to just not worry about something for once; taking care of it all; bills, shopping, meals, cleaning, kids, whatever. Unless...I ask, ask again, remind, remind again, write notes, send texts; THEN when it's still not done...I bitch, yes and I hate it cuz thats not me. Thanks again!
LakesideDream Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Thank-you for your insight. Yes, after much frustration and pleading he agreed to let me (cuz god forbid he orchestrated it himself) arrange treatment; got the sleep apnea machine but doesn't use it, almost every night he says he will. I tell him to come up before he falls asleep on the couch, he says yeah in a minute and ....zzzzzzzzzzzz. So some issue the next day, tired, absentminded, says he knows and will try....same ****. His reason is it is uncomfortable so I made an appointment to get refitted for another style/size but he didn't go. By the way, he is 39. I am empathetic and educated in the condition but..you can only lead a horse to water..right? Same theme thoughout our relationship really; attempts and promises of change and "hopefullness" on my part. I just seem to be running out of hope and know how detrimental it is to argue in front of the kids-even if it is very little. Tired of my energy being drained, is a "partnership" too much to ask?? I would love to just not worry about something for once; taking care of it all; bills, shopping, meals, cleaning, kids, whatever. Unless...I ask, ask again, remind, remind again, write notes, send texts; THEN when it's still not done...I bitch, yes and I hate it cuz thats not me. Thanks again! In my life I have known two people with Sleep Apenia, both were very good and close friends. The first was my age. We were pals from our early 20's the other I met later in life. The man I met earlier passed away at 44. While intellegent and witty, a great guy who had many advantages he was never able to enjoy life to the fullest. His successes were limited. This was years ago before the tests and machines and such. We'd go camping, he'd wake us all each night. Couldn't share a hotel or motel room on trips, It was scary to hear him stop breathing, then gasp for breath. The older man was able to take advantage of the technology and is still alive in his mid 80's. Encourage your husband to take advantage of the treatment available. Apenia is a condition that will literally take his life if he doesent deal with it in a serious manner.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Ahhhhhh! Now you have painted a proper picture of life in the Land of Donno's. I'd say that he is using his condition to revert to being a kid again and is angling for you to be his mommy. I'd say that you shock him back to manhood by serving him with divorce papers without actually filing. I'll bet my bottom dollar that cold bucket of ice reality will clear his willpower to focus in a heartbeat. You'll all of a sudden see him take the intiative to "change" by adhering to the requirements to treat his sleep apnea, getting more involved with the child rearing and other household duties, and becoming more attentive to you and your needs. Let him know point blank that if he's only coming back to life in order to fool you into staying long enough so that he can eventually revert back to being a kid again then your Damocles's sword of divorce will come down on his head when you will file the papers and the marriage will be finished. He put himself in this predicament so don't feel guilty in the least by coldly making your point known! If this begins working on your "Rumplestilskin" you must do your part to gently remind him of what you want and when you want it for he's still only a man and will never be a mind reader.
Ronni_W Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Yep, I read where the CPAP machine can be uncomfortable. Even though that seems to be the preferred, there's also mention of a BiPAP device and an "oral appliances...designed to open your throat by bringing your jaw forward, which can sometimes relieve snoring and mild obstructive sleep apnea." [from mayoclinic.com] As you've described it, I definitely see the possibility that Hubby is taking advantage of his condition, hiding behind it to avoid life's challenges and opportunities. But, as Pelican said, you are NOT "mommy" and he is not a baby. Questions for Hubby are: Is he prepared and willing to allow his medical condition to be the thing that ends his marriage and splits-up his family? Does he want to be part of a team that is working to build and strengthen the marriage and family, or is he too busy weakening and tearing it down? Cos the splitting and demolishing is what HE is in the middle of doing, by acting all helpless and a big victim of this "sleep apnea thing." He is making himself the victim of it...and victimizing the rest of you, in the process. He's not leaving you too many sane options, far as I can see. His actions (rather, lack of action) has put you between the proverbial rock and hard place, has it not? I'm still gonna recommend marriage counseling (before threatening divorce), separate and apart from his getting more medical help for his condition. Cos his attitudes/beliefs about his proper adult/married roles -- as partner, dad, co-parent, contributing household member, etc. -- just seem as if they can do with do a bit of exploration/analysis and (a lot of?) adjustment. Again. Best of luck. EDIT: In the meantime, if your budget allows you to hire a housekeeper or other services to take some of the pressure of chores and such off you, that would be a sane option for you. Perhaps a local high school kid who can use the income, that won't be as expensive as a professional service.
Author donno Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 I am very greatful for your responses, it's nice to get subjective views. Fri night, I told him not to come home after-well, the same old issues-long story short, my car broke down (with the kids) and I of course couldn't depend on him to come for help-couldn't get a hold of him Yesterday morning I told him I wanted a seperation. This of course resulted in begging, pleading and promises to change. I told him not not this time. So he showed up early this morning with serious promises and aknowlegments of his issues and short comings--I had him right where I wanted_scared and knowing I was serious. I have decided to do a few things-I have let him know that if he does not use the machine every night (to at lest start with it), go to counselling with me and follow a list of expectations (which we will come up with tonight together) that we will seperate for awhile. I think I'm hooked on this site, thanks to all!
PWSX3 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I am very greatful for your responses, it's nice to get subjective views. Fri night, I told him not to come home after-well, the same old issues-long story short, my car broke down (with the kids) and I of course couldn't depend on him to come for help-couldn't get a hold of him Yesterday morning I told him I wanted a seperation. This of course resulted in begging, pleading and promises to change. I told him not not this time. So he showed up early this morning with serious promises and aknowlegments of his issues and short comings--I had him right where I wanted_scared and knowing I was serious. I have decided to do a few things-I have let him know that if he does not use the machine every night (to at lest start with it), go to counselling with me and follow a list of expectations (which we will come up with tonight together) that we will seperate for awhile. I think I'm hooked on this site, thanks to all! Don't make it sound like he needs to do all the changes. He might be the one that has more problems, but it takes two to make a marriage work so there are things you need to share with him that you will work on as well. No one is perfect & it will help him to know you are welling to do things as well to make the marriage better........
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