HeavenCanWait Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Newbie here - sure glad I found this forum ! Like so many others before me, I find myself torn between two worlds..... the reality of a 26-year marriage gone sour and the possibility of real happiness with an old flame. Please read on....... <--- donning Kevlar suit After lurking on the forum for a few days, I've decided to put my story "out there" for help and advice. The wife and I met in the military, she a single mother and me wanting to settle down. We have raised two wonderful sons together, now grown and living the good life in the Sunshine State. We both worked, usually different shifts so one parent was always home for the kids, which mostly worked well for parenting and matrimonial harmony. I'm quite proud of our "boys" that have grown to be mature responsible bachelors. There has been trouble in this marriage for many years. Outwardly, we were an ideal, functional couple. In private.... not so much. We became more like grumpy roommates rather than spouses. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and just bailed - moved in with a (male) coworker for a couple of weeks. She didn't handle *that* very well, but we got together to talk things out and reconciled. I moved back, and our marriage was good. Marriage good, sex good, life good. Somehow, all the same things that had caused us friction before bubbled up all over again. Then resentment set in, and our marriage began to unravel again. I won't go into all the details here, but I freely admit I contributed to the problem mostly by shutting down emotionally. With professional help, I learned my emotional distance is a kind of coping mechanism triggered by the stress of my career.....a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) You see, I'm a veteran 9-1-1 dispatcher in a major metropolitan city, where crime and trauma are a way of life. I cannot blame all my marital ills on a "disorder", but I'm sure my emotional distance has contributed to our dysfunction. Yes, I need a career change...a change of venue.... I must somehow reinvent myself. Now to throw gas on the fire...... enter the high school sweetheart. My first true love. We live 1000 miles apart, and once reconnected via email. Nothing came of that, and I mostly forgot about it. Well, she emailed me again a couple of months ago, and all the old feelings began to flow. She (the old flame) has been divorced many years, and lonely without a man in her life.... understandable. I have been living in a marriage void of sincerity and affection.... apparently all I'm good for is paying bills and doing chores Naturally, I was drawn to the idea of what might develop. A family matter required me to travel near her, so we decided to meet, not really knowing what to expect after 30-something years apart. It was Sweetest Day. We hugged, talked, enjoyed a cocktail, and went outside for a walk-n-talk. We talked about so many things, walked arm in arm around the neighborhood, and she even introduced me to some folks socially as her "first love". I did not want our time together to end. I spent the night at her place, even napped in her bed without her (I was exhausted from driving 24 hours straight, and she slept on the couch - there was no sex). I was, and still am, deliriously happy. Happier than I've been in many years, actually. It was as if we were falling in love all over again, the kind that makes you all mushy and gives you butterflies......even at middle age ! I was at once comfortable in her arms, at peace in her presence. I was an immature fool to ever let her slip my heart's grasp, and have told her as much. We've communicated quite a bit since then, exchanged little gifts, and she is understanding of my marital dilemma.... but she is also grounded in reality. It was *she* that suggested I wait until after the holiday season to seek a divorce so we don't spoil a chance to visit with my (now grown) children. My old flame has tried going out with other guys, but after my visit with her she could not bring herself to date another guy, even though I am not yet accessible to her full time. The one time that she tried, she got physically ill and had to go home..... maybe it her conscience or something working on her, but she told me she was fine once back home. Weird, huh ? Now I know what some might say - "why don't you work on fixing the marriage ?" There is nothing left to work on, too many little betrayals, and I can't even bring myself to say "I love you" to her anymore. Because I don't. I guess I know what I must do - ask and hope for an amicable divorce, then move across the country to be near her again. Now for my question - has anyone experienced something similar ? Ever rekindle your "first love" ? Got any advice for someone living a double life - married but in love elsewhere ?
Curmudgeon Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Now for my question - has anyone experienced something similar ? Ever rekindle your "first love" ? Got any advice for someone living a double life - married but in love elsewhere ? While researching some performing arts venues last night I ran across a familiar name along with contact information. I e-mailed her and lo-and-behold, it was my college sweetheart whom I've not seen nor had any contact with for 40+ years when I enlisted in the Army to go to Vietnam and she sent me a "Dear John" letter while I was in basic training. She was decidedly my first love. I have to tread lightly. I'm married. This isn't easy. I feel for you. Advice? Tread lightly as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Now to throw gas on the fire...... enter the high school sweetheart. My first true love. We live 1000 miles apart, and once reconnected via email. Nothing came of that, and I mostly forgot about it. Well, she emailed me again a couple of months ago, and all the old feelings began to flow. She (the old flame) has been divorced many years, and lonely without a man in her life.... understandable. I have been living in a marriage void of sincerity and affection.... apparently all I'm good for is paying bills and doing chores Naturally, I was drawn to the idea of what might develop. Is it possible that your attraction isn't to to this woman (whom, I would venture, you hardly know after 25+ years) but to what she represents? Stuck in a struggling marriage and a job you don't like, anyone could understand the "flee or fight" impulse. I just wonder what unsettled issues you'd be dragging with you into the new relationship. Were it me, I'd proceed very slowly, including seeking closure on my marriage before I did anything else... Mr. Lucky
quankanne Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 don't fool yourself – the problem is not so much the marriage, but your response and perception to things. If you've got a bad marriage, then you should be busting your butt to find out why, and try to reconcile that situation FIRST, rather than grasping at straws (old flame) as an answer to what's ailing you. if you and your wife give marriage counseling a fair shot AND you cease all communications with the other woman so you can focus solely on your marriage, you'll be a much better person for it, even if the end result is divorce. You owe your marriage – and yourself – that much. Because along the way, you're going to learn more about yourself, hopefully the kinds of things that help you be a better partner to your wife ... or, someone you're in a new relationship with. merely dumping the old lady for the old flame isn't going to solve your problems; they'll just come along with you, you know?
Athena Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 HCW, I suggest you start talking to family members (including the boys you share with your W) about the possibility of your not staying in the marriage. Also start talking to your W about this. I am not saying you have to work on your marriage, since you know it is over, but I am saying at least open some honest dialogue with her. This may lead to an amicable divorce. This may also lead her to telling you her 'truths' and perceptions about YOU and the marriage, which, may help you in your future relationship/s. It's a good thing you didn't sleep with this OW. Try give yourselves a few months of no contact while you sort out your own affairs at home, with your wife, in your marriage, your communicating style, and psychologically preparing your sons (and W) for the upcoming divorce. If you and your OW have been without each other for so long, another few months won't hurt, and these few months will allow you to gain the necessary tools (hopefully) to make any future relationship (with her, or others) better.
Deanster Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Two separate issues, really. First is your marriage. Would you be divorcing in any case? Has that truly hit the 'end of the road? Would you be leaving even if you didn't feel you had a 'soft landing' set up with your old sweetie? Would you be leaving to move into a cheap bachelor apartment closer to work for a couple years while you sort your life out? If the answer to all of those is 100% unequivocally 'yes', then by all means, go forward with the divorce. 'No' or 'Maybe' are HUGE red flags. Second is your new/old love. There's nothing on earth like re-connecting with an old love. They know you, they accept you, they may know the 'real you' better than your spouse, as they knew you at an earlier time, when you were more 'real' or 'free' or whatever. They still love you even after 20+ years, and think you're the best thing since sliced bread. Add in all the warmth, affection, and physical response of a new relationship, and perhaps your first 'first kiss' in a couple decades, and it's no wonder we go head over heels. (ask me how I know. ) BUT - here's the thing. 'No matter where you go, there you are.' If you have problems in your current long-term relationship, it's likely that you'll bring them to your new one, especially if you just kind of slide from one to the other, without taking some time to figure out who you are, and what you're all about. Living together, day after day after month after year after decade, is a WHOLE other kettle of fish from a weekend of warmth and being at peace in each others' arms. (ask me how I know ) Long story short - it's wonderful that you've found someone you feel warm and comfortable with. You've got some baggage that you need to deal with, and that's not simple or rapid. The hardest thing you've ever done may be to realize that you can't just swap your crummy hostile life at home for the loving smile of your sweetie, and make it stick. You have a ton of work to do squaring away your current setup, working on yourself, and finding a way to build something lasting with your sweetie, if you go that direction. Dig in, do the right thing for you, your wife, and your sweetie, and maybe all three of them will still be talking to you in a couple years. Good luck!!!
Author HeavenCanWait Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 While researching some performing arts venues last night I ran across a familiar name along with contact information. I e-mailed her and lo-and-behold, it was my college sweetheart whom I've not seen nor had any contact with for 40+ years when I enlisted in the Army to go to Vietnam and she sent me a "Dear John" letter while I was in basic training. She was decidedly my first love. I have to tread lightly. I'm married. This isn't easy. I feel for you. Advice? Tread lightly as well. Curmudgeon - Whew ! It's nice to know I'm not the only one with this dilemma. And, yes - I am treading lightly. We both know the process of reuniting will be fraught with pitfalls, but we also know the love will remain long after the initial euphoria wears off. I have more to post in the weeks to come, but thanks for the reply ! Deanster - the answer to your questions is "Yes". I was seriously considering divorce before this all went down. Actually, I would give up everything to be with her, but will be living with my elderly father nearby to help care for him in his waning years - these circumstances were in place before we reconnected. My old flame has even offered to help care for my aging father - how sweet is that ? Yep, there's much to be done, and it is a huge undertaking. I'm ready and willing to do this, and so is my flame. Athena - My two grown sons already know there have been troubles between Mom & Dad in the past - one even remarked "I was kinda surprised you didn't leave her earlier !" - kids can be so perceptive. The "OW" and I are not rushing into this - she knows I have a lot on my plate. Over thirty years have passed since we drifted apart, so a few months is no big deal. Quankanne - The wife and I have been to counseling, both together and separately. I've bent over backward to be a great husband, only to get (emotionally) spanked for my effort. I've given until it hurts, and I'm done hurting. BentNotBroken - You've asked a most pertinent question about PTSD. The effects are pervasive and not easily shaken. Since my career seems to be toxic to my mental well-being, I must consider starting over in another line of work. Fortunately I have many talents, one of which is digital photography. Big life changes such as career changes and divorce and relocating are tough hurdles, but I must persevere if I am to be truly happy. For a glimpse into my world, you can read this journal entry. Mr. Lucky - I have come to realize that I married for the wrong reasons. And, the OW and I know each other very well, even after all these years. Spending even a short time with her reaffirmed my intuition - the OW is the right one for me. Our short time together was surreal, as if time was suspended for over thirty years, and we were simply picking up where we left off. She keeps me grounded in reality, and we have similar values in so many different areas. Yes, I am attracted to what she represents - she is my soul mate. Her teenage daughter recently told her that she'd be a fool not to let me court her and eventually marry. Pretty deep stuff from a sixteen year old that has only met me once...... While I may be "stuck" in my marriage for awhile longer, I have to say that I love my job. It pays well, it is extremely rewarding, and I have enough seniority to be comfortable in this position. The only real problem is dealing with the psychological effects of constant trauma (see reply and link, above). That said, I would give up everything - just walk away - and go to work elsewhere if it meant that I could be close to my first love and help care for my aging father at the same time. The bottom line is that I cannot make anyone else happy unless I take care of myself first. It's time to jettison the baggage and move on to new challenges. Thanks to all who replied. I appreciate your input and opinions.
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