End of a 3 year relationship yesterday

[FeedingOnFever]

Day two of NC. Woo hoo! I'm celebrating the minutest of victories, cause boy, do I ever need a reason to feel good about myself right now.

 

It's Monday, which means he and I both had college today. I have resisted the impulses to ask my friends if they saw him around his campus... so far. Overall if I had to choose between talking to him or talking about him, I'd take talking about him, hands down. I really want to keep the NC going.

 

Had to break it to one of HIS best friends today that he dumped me! She called and said "HEY! Cass isn't answering his phone, but the background check on him just went through and he should go talk to his new boss stat! Could you tell him?"

 

I was stunned, and said "Ummm... you didn't hear? He broke up with me on Thursday and moved out to be with his family in Ewa."

 

Her reaction was right around the lines of "HOLY CRAP." I cannot believe that he has not told one of his closest friends this very important news. I cannot believe I had to be the one to do it! He hasn't even changed his Facebook status to "single." What is he thinking??? >______< I wish I could talk to him just to YELL at him right now... ugggggggh.

 

So, overall today was like my post above. Doing better than yesterday, but really, really annoyed...

[lonelygurl]

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I can completely relate. Unfortunately, for people like us it seems all of a sudden, but for them it wasn't. He has been probably thinking about it for awhile. That is why he was so wishy washy.

 

He was feeling guilty about how bad it would hurt you. I'm glad he had the guts to tell you to your face. Mine snuck out at 4:30 in the morning with a few of his things and left the rest of his stuff with a note.

 

I'm now left with all his stuff that I figure he thought he'd play the back and forth game like last time, but I locked him out this time.

 

I say do no contact and if his stuff isn't out of the place get it out and stay no contact. It is so hard to do, I know. But it is best. You will feel every emotion on the grieving scale. Some you will feel one at a time some will overlap. You will have moments of strength and pure melt downs.

 

Come here and read, and read some more, and post. Keep busy and try to get extra rest. This is a very hard time to lose someone who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. :)

[smiiiley]

pyro you seem like a very strong girl..you didnt cry or beg..by the way your relationship sounds so much like mine..kind of identical..if you've managed to stay that way, you're doing great. I wish i would have reacted that way.

[FeedingOnFever]

Before you get the idea that I'm completely well adjusted, I want to say that I did have to beg my now-ex to take some time to cool off and really think before acting about a month and a half ago. This was during one of our huge fights and he was ranting and raving about the problems in our relationship... I had to beg him, literally, to calm down, sleep on it, and make any drastic decisions in the morning. I cried that night, because I couldn't understand how he was being so harsh and cruel.

 

He did sleep on it, and that was when we decided to "take it slow" for a few days. Those few days went by and we decided we were ready to continue working it out. Then followed the freakish 2 weeks of perfection (very strange after such a rough fight) and that was followed immediately by the break up.

 

So my case was very strange. I had a sneak preview of this horrible side of my boyfriend before he actually up and left me. I suppose I was more prepared for it the second time around. Granted, he didn't leave me the first time, but it felt like our relationship was in huge trouble. When he finally did leave, he'd been giving me the "distance" for two days... then and only then did he actually come out and break up with me.

 

If he had broken up with me right on that night a month and a half ago, after that awful fight, I guarantee you I would have been down on my knees begging him not to go, crying my eyes out and asking him why he was doing this. It's a miracle I didn't do it when he finally did leave me. I guess I was too shocked, what with him grabbing his things and flying out of there in 45 minutes tops.

 

So please don't think that you're not doing well because of handling your situation in a different way. Tons of people have been there and been through this too. Are you on NC? This is day 3 for me and I think it's the right choice.

[smiiiley]

Hey Pyro,

Regardless I still admire how you reacted to it

Yes im on NC for a month and a half now...it's been tearing me apart though because I miss talking to him. This sucks really bad...

[lifesucks2]

i've been on nc for a couple of days and i cant take it anymore ! I really admire the way u acted too pyro!

Smiley, how do you do it ? The nc ? How did you go for a month ? Its killing me i cant take it, i miss him so much he was my everything, he left now i've got nothing left

[EmperorR]

i've been on nc for a couple of days and i cant take it anymore ! I really admire the way u acted too pyro!

Smiley, how do you do it ? The nc ? How did you go for a month ? Its killing me i cant take it, i miss him so much he was my everything, he left now i've got nothing left

 

it's the hardest thing to do, somedays for me I had to leave my cell phone at home so I wouldn't be tempted to text or call. But trust me every day gets easier and easier. I'm at over 90 days NC and I never thought I could do it.

[FeedingOnFever]

90 days! That is amazing... you are truly an inspiration.

 

I also have to trick myself at times. I've removed my ex's number from my phone (which means if I want to call or text him I actually have to punch in all 7 digits, and usually by digit 4 or 5 I stop myself.)

 

Also, I put my ex's name back into my phone, but the number isn't his... it's the landline phone to my work office. I have sent mean and nasty text messages to my landline work phone for a while now There's something satisfying about writing "you broke my heart and you don't even care, do you?" and seeing it actually being sent off to your ex's "name," even though no one will ever read the message.

 

I also saw on another relationship advice site that someone made a post about keeping your ex's number in your phone, but changing the name... "Jackass" "Don't pick up this call" "Heartbreaker" "Loser" "Cheater" etc. So if they happen to call you, what will pop up on your screen is "Jackass calling." XP I thought that was pretty clever too.

 

I unfortunately have to see my ex today. I am very disappointed because technically this breaks my four days of NC. It's kind of not an option for me to not go, though. This is a big secret santa event among all our friends that was planned a long time ago, and I really don't want to skip out. What I may end up doing is arriving, chatting for a few, exchanging my gift, and leaving in under half an hour. Damage control, so to speak.

[Kage111]

That's a good idea about redirecting your exe's name to another line. I deleted her number, but its ingrained in my head, I dial it when I'm not even thinking sometimes.

 

I think this is the worst type of break up. I was the same, just the week before, she was spending the night at my place every night, we would talk about our future kids, she'd kiss my shoulder as we watched movies... then one weekend out with her friends... She comes back and just says she doesn't love me anymore, just as a good friend. I don't understand how that happens. She said she'd been feeling it for weeks and had been dropping clues. Forgive me if I didn't realize everything I listed were clues to an imminent break up after 4 years of happiness.

I don't want to sound sordid or cruel, but sometimes, it's nice to know someone else is going through a very similar thing.

[FeedingOnFever]

I've been sitting on this since I recieved it 9 or so days ago. I had sent an email to my ex getting some things off my chest that I hadn't been able to during our whirlwind-fast breakup. I told him where I stood and asked him for some answers that he never gave me. Here's what he wrote beck... it was polite and to the point, for the most part.

 

"i left because i needed space, and my love for you did change, diminished over months i tried to hold on but it wasn't enough. perhaps later when we have grown into more of the people we are supposed to be we may try again, its always a possibility, but for now i think it best to stay friends. as it stands space is still needed for wounds to heal. and i will always care for your well being and look out for you when you need it and be a shoulder you can rest your head on."

 

I should mention that the whole "being there for me" thing is turning into a crock of bull****. He needs space, but promises to be a shoulder for me to lean on... yeah, those two don't go together, and I cannot rely on him at this time. So, nice words... but ultimately empty.

 

What I need help with is that middle part. "Perhaps later we may try again." This has been killing me. I expected a straight answer. In fact, I now think I would have preferred a straight answer. This... ambiguity is worse. It's really messing with me and my four days of NC, and my ultimate healing process.

[Kage111]

Wow. My ex pretty much said the same thing.

For Christmas, I decided to wrap all of her things, old pictures, and anything that reminded me of her and give them back to her. Sort of a final good bye.

 

I sent it to her about a month ago.

Today, she IMs me, thanking me, and then telling me almost the same: "Maybe one day we'll try again."

 

The ambiguity is killing me.

 

I want her back right now, but if she keeps this up, I can feel myself really starting to hate her for putting me through this.

[TeaAbraham]

The ambiguity is usually a way of telling you something you don't want to hear. They won't say the painful stuff flat out for whatever reason (trying to care for your feelings), and so they "leave it up in the air." Usually means negative. =-\