Telling the person you're dating that their friend is hot - cool or not cool?

[Star Gazer]

Ok, you're saying that all these guys (and lets be honest there have been more than a couple) treated you wonderfully and pursued a relationship with you until suddenly, out of no where they turned in to a-holes or broke things off. That just isn't logical, that isn't how people operate, and I've seen you say otherwise yourself.

 

Even the current guy. The issue did not start with him complimenting your friend then saying "not like I said I want to f*ck her." You said yourself that he completely disappeared on you, he then blamed you for this because you annoyed him by pouting at the end of a date. And, earlier in this thread you stated that he was very rude to you once before all all this. I think it was in the beginning of this thread. I don't remember the details just that at the end of the post you said "Now I'm angry, lol"

 

The Idaho guy told you from the beginning that he was unsure if he wanted a relationship with you but you chased the relationship until he officially broke it off. Then you went back to him until he broke it off again.

 

My point is that you are wrong in thinking that things with these men have been great till some out of the blue issue/blow up, they haven't. You've chosen to ignore signals that these men weren't that in to you or weren't bf material, and you continue to do so.

 

With all due respect, Allina, YOU are the one who's wrong here.

 

I have been dating my current guy since JULY. It is now December. His rude behavior began just THREE weeks ago, including the "other" rude thing I mentioned. To say that I've known he was jerky from the get-go is just flatly WRONG.

 

Idaho guy did NOT tell me he was unsure about a relationship with me at the beginning. Again, he pursued and it wasn't for a few months that he started acting distant (and the timing of his "pull back" was when he decided that he was moving). At the beginning of our relationship he showed no signs of flaws or lack of interest. Remember, we were spending 5-6 nights a week together.

 

And just how am I continuing to ignore signs NOW with a non-existent guy???

[norajane]

And just how am I continuing to ignore signs NOW with a non-existent guy???

 

Are you ignoring the positive signs with shirt guy to focus more on the negative? Like how you feel relaxed and unafraid and that makes it easy to get to know him and be comfortable, and are instead concerned that your heart isn't racing at 100mph with him.

 

That racing heart isn't just chemistry; it's also fear. THAT's a sign you need to pay attention to.

[Star Gazer]

Are you ignoring the positive signs with shirt guy to focus more on the negative? Like how you feel relaxed and unafraid and that makes it easy to get to know him and be comfortable, and are instead concerned that your heart isn't racing at 100mph with him.

 

That racing heart isn't just chemistry; it's also fear. THAT's a sign you need to pay attention to.

 

I'm not ignoring ANY signs with shirt guy - positive or negative. I'm paying keen attention, while also trying to be laid back and just let things develop and evolve as they should.

 

As for chemistry, I totally agree. My version definitely has a large fear component.

[Lishy]

Do you think it is possible that you get more attached to the unavailable guys out of fear of failing and the love of the chase? It could explain why when you are showed that a guy is liking you alot and is nice and kind, it turns you off and you find faults and when a guy is more laid back and not so interested you step your game up. I think I do this too and could explain many things to me.

 

I have found myself that I get more obsessed with guys who hold back and i think I have worked it out as a fear of failure and feeling like he should like me back and I feel a need to make him like me. When it doesnt work my anxiety raises and he stays in my head out of my need to make him like me and my thoughts as to why he doesnt. I know I need a bit of a mystery man and find them more attractive, but it also leads to much thinking, anxiety and misery.

 

To answer your title, it is SO not cool and completely unacceptable, what he said!

[Star Gazer]

No, Lishy. While I definitely go after what I want, I am not one who enjoys the chase. Nor have I ever had a fear of failure.

 

I choose unavailable men because if they are in fact unavailable, they can never leave me because they were never mine to begin with.

 

This brings me to a thought I had this morning while at brunch with girlfriends that I want to start another thread about...... Off I go!

[V.Vixen]

His rude comments just started 3 weeks ago, but didn't you say he has never ever complimented you? I think, for this one, that might have been you red flag.

[orangehose]

 

As a side note, what I find really odd is that when men have cheated on me, I've been gone. Done. No second chance, period. I have absolutely no problem turning on my heel and walking under those circumstances. But when it comes to what I perceive as questionable behavior (which is most often confirmed by LS people as just flat out WRONG), I let it go. I tolerate it, I explain it, I justify it, I find fault with myself...instead of walking away as I would if they had betrayed me. Why do you think that is?

 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for your string of bad luck. Unfortunately, it often takes a few months for people to show their true colors in a relationship, and by that time, to just walk away can be the hardest thing in the world (I should know, it's happened to me twice).

 

It's also hard when the evidence isn't really clear-cut. Cheating is one thing - it is one of those situations where in spite of your feelings, you rationally know you just HAVE to walk away. It's definitely much harder in situations like the one you've described in this thread. Sure, the guy's comments are dicey, and if you're not the one dating him, it's easy to say "dump the jerk". But when you really know a person and have seen their good side too, it's hard to just walk out. It would feel too petty to do so.

 

I'm not sure what to recommend for you / me. Currently, I tend to extrapolate about a guy's goodness from as little evidence as possible. This results in me rejecting guys very very early on for what may seem like petty reasons. It's a safe strategy, but it does result in being alone :laugh:

[nicki]

I have one word: ABUSIVE.

 

That's what he is. Plain and simple. Believe it.

 

I've studied the subject quite extensively. The category of his abuse would be "dismissing" or maybe "discounting." He DIDN"T EVEN CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FELT.

 

Huge red flag. A good guy would have never said something like he did in the first place. Or when pressed, would have apologized and said you were way hotter. AND THEN NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.

 

He was clearly trying to control you and "power over" you to make you feel like less.

 

This guy clearly feels entitled (abusive) and that he's right and his feelings come first (abusive.)

 

The only way you could ever be happy with a guy like this is to never ever need anything or express yourself. And you better always put his feelings first and never question him.

 

Sounds like a raw deal.

[nicki]

To quote my favorite line from a movie/book (Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil):

 

"Two tears in a bucket, aw, now f#ck it!"

[Star Gazer]

When you think ahead 10 years, do you see yourself meeting the ideal guy going about this in the same way you have? Or will an Edward Lewis have to come along?

 

The ideal guy IS Edward Lewis.

 

I kid. But not really. He's actually a perfect example of what I'd go for - the unattainable, the emotionally unavailable, distant dude.

 

Ugh.

[dEEpChArM]

I've just read several pages of this thread and definitely see myself much more clearly as a result. I think it may be fairly common - this dating dilemma of yours.

 

I'm suddenly very curious about why we can easily dump a known cheater in a flash without reservations, but if things aren't so cut & dried we continue to see them while wringing our hands. Is there something in us that wants to explore ourselves through our experiences with these shabby characters? I'm familiar with the self esteem and abandonment fears, but now it's occurred to me that we also use these bad relationships for our own good - to evolve. Like we purposely put ourselves into challenging situations in order to learn about ourselves and other people, and life.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to post some of my thoughts. I'm so impressed with the quality of what i've read here so far, I love it!

[zenith]

I do that all the time

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Wow, DeepCharm. That is a very astute observation! I have never thought about it in that way. Perhaps we put ourselves in situations to see if we can handle them. It is awful.

[Shygirl15]

I wonder if you have done the deed with this guy because normally there would be some sort compliments exchanged in the process.

[Star Gazer]

I wonder if you have done the deed with this guy because normally there would be some sort compliments exchanged in the process.

 

We have not slept together. We have done everything-but, and there have been compliments in that process related to my body and what I do for him. However, there have been no personal compliments outside of that context.

[Lishy]

How do you feel about him now Star?

 

Do you think you will see him again?