Telling the person you're dating that their friend is hot - cool or not cool?

[Star Gazer]

Quick poll: Say you're dating someone for a few months and this person has never complimented your appearance - ever. One day they say to you, in the midst of a conversation about something totally unrelated, "By the way, I was looking at your pictures the other day and your friend Jane Doe is HOT!"

 

Would this irk you? Do you think you'd have a right to be perturbed? Guys and girls please.

[garnet]

Ick! Totally inappropriate as far as I'm concerned. Of course you have a right to be perturbed. This has happened to me before too. Big waving red flag.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm seeing two red flags.

 

This would be inappropriate.

[Star Gazer]

In case you couldn't put two and two together, this is from the guy from my other thread. He explained his absence (basically putting the blame on me, he said I made him "uncomfortable" the last time we hung out because I pouted when he had to leave), and when I cleared the air in that regard, he came back with that comment.

 

WTF?

 

Seriously?

[jerbear]

Would this irk you? Do you think you'd have a right to be perturbed? Guys and girls please.

 

Yes, because there have been no compliments.

 

No it would not because you gals discount our compliments while another guy's compliments would brighten your day.

[Gremio]

Absolutely idiotic for either sex to say.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, because there have been no compliments.

 

No it would not because you gals discount our compliments while another guy's compliments would brighten your day.

 

He's never complimented me. Ever.

 

I do, however, see him complimenting girls pictures all the time on Facebook. "Cute pic." "You look hot here." "Short hair looks really good on you."

 

But as for me? Nada. Not since we first started dating and he drunk-texted me telling me that I was beautiful. The next day, he said he shouldn't drunk-text anymore. That kinda hurt my feelings...as there was nothing to be embarassed about or take back...unless, of course, he doesn't think I'm pretty.

 

Ugh. Why am I so upset over this guy???

[garnet]

Sorry, SG, but he kind of sounds like a loser!

 

I think your being upset is more of an ego thing rather than reflective of your interest in him. It's a natural reaction to have, but I think you need to take a closer look at him.

[Trialbyfire]

A guy who throws out compliments to multiple women like that, is still trolling for fresh meat. He's not committed.

[amaysngrace]

Sorry, SG, but he kind of sounds like a loser!

 

I agree. This guy makes you feel bad. Why give anything more to someone when they mostly only make you feel bad?

 

You would be doing yourself a huge favor if you let him go to make somebody else feel bad instead.

[Star Gazer]

Damnit. Tears.

[BlueEyedGirl]

This would really really annoy me

[Star Gazer]

I need more guys to tell me the same thing.

[Trialbyfire]

Damnit. Tears.

SG, I truly hope my comments didn't bring you tears. If they sounded harsh, it's because I've been there, believed a guy who kept trolling. Won't do it again.

[Star Gazer]

I should add, I asked him what he meant by it and he said, "Remember you were talking about your friend Jane and you said she was hot, but I didn't know who you were talking about?"

 

And then I said, "Oh yeah, I remember that conversation now, but I'm just surprised that you'd tell me how hot my friend is when I've never even gotten a compliment out of you."

 

And he says, "Wow. I didn't say I wanted to f**k her. My God."

 

Then I felt bad. Like I was being silly. So now I am the bad guy for pointing out his jerky comment?

 

See how this works??

[Star Gazer]

SG, I truly hope my comments didn't bring you tears. If they sounded harsh, it's because I've been there, believed a guy who kept trolling. Won't do it again.

 

It wasn't you, hun. It was reality sinking in.

[amaysngrace]

I admit I don't know all the specifics from every guy you appear to want but it seems as though the worse they make you feel or the more they don't give you what you need, the very more you like them.

 

Figure out why this is, if it sounds right to you, and then you will grow enough to finally attract the man who will make you happy.

 

You know sometimes you have to trip over and over on what you don't want before you finally realize what you do want.

[luverly]

He's never complimented me. Ever.

 

I do, however, see him complimenting girls pictures all the time on Facebook. "Cute pic." "You look hot here." "Short hair looks really good on you."

 

But as for me? Nada. Not since we first started dating and he drunk-texted me telling me that I was beautiful. The next day, he said he shouldn't drunk-text anymore. That kinda hurt my feelings...as there was nothing to be embarassed about or take back...unless, of course, he doesn't think I'm pretty.

 

Ugh. Why am I so upset over this guy???

 

 

 

Holy Crap this guy sounds like an a--hole!!!!!! I would be long goooooooooooone. OMG, that is just mean!

[amaysngrace]

I should add, I asked him what he meant by it and he said, "Remember you were talking about your friend Jane and you said she was hot, but I didn't know who you were talking about?"

 

And then I said, "Oh yeah, I remember that conversation now, but I'm just surprised that you'd tell me how hot my friend is when I've never even gotten a compliment out of you."

 

And he says, "Wow. I didn't say I wanted to f**k her. My God."

 

Then I felt bad. Like I was being silly. So now I am the bad guy for pointing out his jerky comment?

 

See how this works??

 

This is because he feeds your insecurities. He is flighty and you can't be secure with someone who's flighty. So every time he says something it makes you overthink what he said. It's not your fault he's an ass to you. And it's not your fault for feeling insecure. This guy has done absolutely nothing to make you feel secure.

 

The proof of that is how he used your insecurity against you. A nicer man would have said "I don't really think she is hot. No offense. She's kind of plain to me" or something but he's a jerk. And he makes you feel bad.

 

You need someone who brings out the best in you. I'm sure you don't see yourself in moments of insecurity as being the best of you. None of us do.

[kashmir]

Holy Crap this guy sounds like an a--hole!!!!!! I would be long goooooooooooone. OMG, that is just mean!

 

Nah, you women love this kind of guy, you just deny it.

[norajane]

In case you couldn't put two and two together, this is from the guy from my other thread. He explained his absence (basically putting the blame on me, he said I made him "uncomfortable" the last time we hung out because I pouted when he had to leave), and when I cleared the air in that regard, he came back with that comment.

 

WTF?

 

Seriously?

 

I'm sorry, Star, I'm going to have to ask WFT and Seriously to YOU!

 

WTF are you still doing with this guy? Why are you even considering letting him back into your life? This was not a misunderstanding - he f*cking dropped off the face of the earth because you made him feel "uncomfortable" when you were sad that he had to leave the last time?

 

Do you not remember the "It doesn't matter now, does it?" text? Seriously?

 

And now he's sniffing around your hot friends?

 

What is it going to take for you to realize that he's not the guy who is going to give you what you need in a relationship? You shouldn't even be talking to him anymore, especially not after this hot friend comment.

[Left in a Lurch]

Holy Crap this guy sounds like an a--hole!!!!!! I would be long goooooooooooone. OMG, that is just mean!

 

He is an ass. If he complimented her and she knew she had him hooked, her interest would wane.

Once again, the a-hole stirs up powerful emotions women can't control.

Buy a girl flowers and tell her how pretty she is, and take her on a 'romantic' date and she will think you're a nice wimp and have no sexual interest at all.

Allude to the fact that her friends are hotter or more desireable than her, she will do anything to the point of self-destruction to be with you.

The one thing I have found pretty funny is that the easiest woman to pick up is the really hot one with an ugly friend. By spending the entire night talking to the friend and giving her your full attention and not saying a word to the hot one, the hot one will fall all over herself trying to give you her number as you get up to leave.

Not judging, just observing. Woman tend lose control for guys that treat them like they are not special.

I hope Star makes a good decision based on what is good for her and not on emotions, because this guy knows how to trick her into pining away for him- no compliments and plenty of shots to her self-esteem.

[IrishCarBomb]

In connection with his absence, I'd say he's just making a power moves out of insecurity.

 

What's his dating history? (If you know...) If I had to guess, I'd say a lack of any serious relationships, or one intense relationship with a brutal ending.

 

Some guys can't help themselves and just comment about women, your guy is not one of those (otherwise he'd have complimented you as a reflex). However, some guys get wary when they realize that they may be losing the upper footing in the relationship. A comment that someone's friend is hot (without any context to make it appropriate... in fact... calling her "hot" instead of pretty or attractive just seems odd..) just seems designed to let you know that you don't have control over him.

 

Has every (inappropriate) action been usually followed by a "huh?!?" or "Why does this make you so upset?", or generally just him being surprised by your negative response? If he is... then it's compounding the issue, because not only is he conjuring your negative feelings, he's framing it so that you feel like you're out of line for having those feelings.

 

The behavior is symptomatic (in my opinion) of his own fear of vulnerability. This is why I am guessing he hasn't had any great experiences with serious relationships... either his fear has been from childhood and he's never been serious with a girl, or his fear was learned from some traumatizing earlier experience. The problem is even worse if you see yourself as a "fixer"; because the more you try to fix him, the harder he will resist (and possibly making him seem like he "needs you to fix him" even more).

 

Finally (and probably most important) is what you should do: nothing. As I just stated, any actions to change his ways will just make him recoil and get defensive. If you really like this guy, the best you can hope for is that he really wants to have a great relationship someday, and down the road he'll realize that he wants that with you. However, there's quite a bit of risk for you on that path. He may never sort his issues out, he may sort them out and realize he doesn't want to be with you, or you may realize after some time that you don't really like him.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry, Star, I'm going to have to ask WFT and Seriously to YOU!

 

WTF are you still doing with this guy? Why are you even considering letting him back into your life? This was not a misunderstanding - he f*cking dropped off the face of the earth because you made him feel "uncomfortable" when you were sad that he had to leave the last time?

 

Do you not remember the "It doesn't matter now, does it?" text? Seriously?

 

And now he's sniffing around your hot friends?

 

What is it going to take for you to realize that he's not the guy who is going to give you what you need in a relationship? You shouldn't even be talking to him anymore, especially not after this hot friend comment.

 

I hear you. I do. I wasn't entertaining letting him back into my life. Really, I wasn't. But I have to admit that I was pleased that he explained himself, and that it was a result of a miscommunication and not something to do with ME...albeit a miscommunication that proved to me that he's RIDICULOUS. He literally said I BEGGED him to stay and threw a "mini fit." Pfffft. I said, "Awww, you have to go? Oookaaayyy..." in a cute, adorable way. A way that usually seduces them to my bedroom-kinda way. I was SHOCKED that he interpreted it that way, and was further convinced (as TBF has previously said repeatedly) that I'd FOREVER be walking on eggshells with this guy. I've never been so unnerved by someone before.

 

He does make me feel bad. My problem is remembering how I feel when I'm actually with him. When I'm with him, I'm so happy, giddy, over the moon. This is, of course, because I have no idea at the time I'm doing something to "make him uncomfortable."

 

I asked this question because I had started to wonder if I was being oversenstive, or if I WAS doing things that rightfully made him uncomfortable. Like telling him that I didn't understand why he'd tell me my friend is hot when he's never complimented me before. (I didn't add that the timing was very weird too, but that also compounded my reaction.) I was hoping to receive confirmation that he IS a jerk, and that I'm not being unreasonable in feeling bad as a result of things like this. I received that confirmation.

 

But it still hurts. I cannot understand why he compliments every one else, and not me. The one he's been dating, and almost-having-sex with. Perhaps it is ego, I dunno.

 

I don't want this guy. Not anymore. Really. I want to not hurt because of him though. And right now I really don't know how not to.

[norajane]

He does make me feel bad. My problem is remembering how I feel when I'm actually with him. When I'm with him, I'm so happy, giddy, over the moon.

 

You sound like all the OW in affairs posting in the OW/OM forum. They're miserable 90% of the time, and the other 10% is only when they're actually with MM and they can go into denial about how crappy they feel about the relationship the rest of the time.

 

The giddiness is just chemistry. Or maybe a combination of chemistry, and your own fear of abandonment...he can't abandon you if he's never yours to begin with, so that makes him more attractive than the men you CAN have.

 

Think back to who you were giddy about a year ago. Still even remember him? This too shall pass.

 

Better to let loser guys go before you get even more attached and it hurts even more to cut them loose later.