is this a ridiculous situation?

[weller]

i met a man 9 weeks ago and we had a very intense 3 week relationship.. he is due to be married in december and for this reason we decided to stop before things went to far (to be perfectly honest they kinda already had, with him saying he was falling in love with me and he didn't wanna get married he was only doing it for the babies and he wanted to make a proper family). I asked him not to contact me cos it hurt too much but then 2 weeks ago i find out the wedding is cancelled. So we meet and things get rekindled.. he had left the family home but has now returned under the banner of seeing the kids. which is fine.. i know he needs to see his children and he technically is still in the relationship with his financee, wedding or no wedding.

 

i wonder if i'm being a total fool.. i'm not usually one to be so loose with my emotions but i really feel something with him, and he appears to feel the same way. i'm delighted that i ceased contact with him before the wedding was called off as i means i had no bearing on the decision he made.. i have never pressurized him and have been supportive of the upcoming marriage, as i know he loves his family and if he wants to make a go of it then i'm not the woman to stand in his way.

 

however, if i was his fiancee and he called off the wedding there is no way i'd be still in a relationship with him and tbh i think he will leave again after he has spent time with his kids and return to his hometown

 

do u think i should cut my losses and walk away before things get even more messy? i know we shouldn't have got back together when the wedding was called off but i swear to god.. the man is fine!!!

[Married One]

I'm sorry, but he sounds like bad news. Really sorry, but from woman to woman, he sounds like he's just running away from being trapped. Yes, it may be he doesn't love her enough, but want his kids. But, it was just too much of a coincidence with you though. Granted you must be great, you have to be, to have the decency to do all that breaking and to write in with such a query. But, best to walk out now. And if it's yours, in time, it will happen again. Except, you should give it some time, and let it /him come to you after that time (at least 6 months to a year or so, if you can!).

 

It was just too quick and too coincidental, I just had the impression that you somehow gave him the confidence to walk away from the wedding, ie. he had been confirmed by another woman that he could have other choices in life! And, sorry, but he probably KNEW he got you so smitten that he could've been coming back to you anytime. That's why, if it's MUCH later, then the truth will surface. You will then know if YOU are what he has been waiting for, and will stick around for. (The last thign you want now is to be with him, and he does that runaway with you too, in time).

 

I truly believe, what's yours will be yours. But what's not yours, don't force it.

 

i met a man 9 weeks ago and we had a very intense 3 week relationship.. he is due to be married in december and for this reason we decided to stop before things went to far (to be perfectly honest they kinda already had, with him saying he was falling in love with me and he didn't wanna get married he was only doing it for the babies and he wanted to make a proper family). I asked him not to contact me cos it hurt too much but then 2 weeks ago i find out the wedding is cancelled. So we meet and things get rekindled.. he had left the family home but has now returned under the banner of seeing the kids. which is fine.. i know he needs to see his children and he technically is still in the relationship with his financee, wedding or no wedding.

 

i wonder if i'm being a total fool.. i'm not usually one to be so loose with my emotions but i really feel something with him, and he appears to feel the same way. i'm delighted that i ceased contact with him before the wedding was called off as i means i had no bearing on the decision he made.. i have never pressurized him and have been supportive of the upcoming marriage, as i know he loves his family and if he wants to make a go of it then i'm not the woman to stand in his way.

 

however, if i was his fiancee and he called off the wedding there is no way i'd be still in a relationship with him and tbh i think he will leave again after he has spent time with his kids and return to his hometown

 

do u think i should cut my losses and walk away before things get even more messy? i know we shouldn't have got back together when the wedding was called off but i swear to god.. the man is fine!!!

[AlaskanGal]

i should cut my losses and walk away before things get even more messy

 

I think you hit the nail on the head....

[weller]

i think you've summed up what i think in my head.. i know that if its meant to be then it will happen and even if he does break off the relationship with her i think i would be a bad idea for him to get straight into another relationship with me..

 

its really hard to do the right thing though.

 

fabulous answer btw..thank you so much for your constructive comments

[LakesideDream]

Weller, Your post was short, and a bit unclear, a few questions please.

 

Your affair partner / bf has two children with the woman he was engaged to marry in a couple of months? He entered and affair with you (he was the agressor?) while preparing to get married to the mother of his children?

 

If the above are true, the man persued you while living with the woman he was engaged to, the woman who made two children with him, the woman he was engaged to be married to in a short period of time. That's not a man I would want my daughter to associate with. From your description he seems seriously flawed.

 

You say he's a "fine" man. I assume you are talking appearance. I can't imagine you are referring to his character.

 

Sounds like a rotten deal to me.

[Meaplus3]

If I were you I'd run and fast. This guy sounds like bad news. Don't waste your time here. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[2ndWife]

I am sorry for what happened. But I have to agree with all other posters. Do you know the reason why he canceled off the wedding? If you know, do you think he's a responsible person who you can trust and depend on? If not, then run. 3 weeks is not a long time. One can barely know the other person in 3 weeks.

 

Good luck.

[Die Hard]

Weller, Your post was short, and a bit unclear, a few questions please.

 

Your affair partner / bf has two children with the woman he was engaged to marry in a couple of months? He entered and affair with you (he was the agressor?) while preparing to get married to the mother of his children?

 

If the above are true, the man persued you while living with the woman he was engaged to, the woman who made two children with him, the woman he was engaged to be married to in a short period of time. That's not a man I would want my daughter to associate with. From your description he seems seriously flawed.

 

You say he's a "fine" man. I assume you are talking appearance. I can't imagine you are referring to his character.

 

Sounds like a rotten deal to me.

Whoa let's back the train up a little. First of all this guy IS NOT and WAS NOT married. Anything is fair before the vows. Not saying it's right but it's sure a lot different than, say, moving to another town with the intention of engaging in an affair.

 

I don't think she should get involved with this guy either, but I sure as heck don't see that his character should be attacked. By your logic the MW you are "seeing" has low character and is seriously flawed. Why would you not take your own advice? I suppose your MARRIED woman is different.

[Angel1111]

Well, I think it's great that he cancelled the wedding because he'd be nuts to go through with it now. He is the one who cancelled it, right? The fact that this happened is very promising, and the fact that he has contacted you again. You should probably just sit back and wait to see how things transpire. I can understand the thing with the kids but there's some danger in him being there because he could get comfortable and decide to keep things as they are as long as they don't get married. This could end up very similar to being with a married guy because technically he's still with her. Until that changes, just remain cautiously optimistic.

 

Yeah, if I were his gf and he did that, I wouldn't need anymore hints as to where this was going. I don't know why people stay in relationships like this.

[LakesideDream]

Whoa let's back the train up a little. First of all this guy IS NOT and WAS NOT married. Anything is fair before the vows. Not saying it's right but it's sure a lot different than, say, moving to another town with the intention of engaging in an affair.

 

I don't think she should get involved with this guy either, but I sure as heck don't see that his character should be attacked. By your logic the MW you are "seeing" has low character and is seriously flawed. Why would you not take your own advice? I suppose your MARRIED woman is different.

 

Die Hard. Generally I agree with you, with a cavet. This is the 21st century. There are many "live in" relationships that are bringing multiple kids into family settings featuring unmarried parents, unmarried but cohabiting. This situation was not common until twenty years ago or so. The children add a new and more serious dynamic. The "anything is fair before the vows" adage really gums up the situation. Obviously this guy is playing house, married in all but the ceremony.

 

At about the same time these arraingments were becoming common, the concept of "common law marriage" went down the tubes, a casulty of the womens rights movement and various legal rulings.

 

I actually don't care much about any of the adult participants. There are two children born innocent that are going to be forced to pay a heavy price if their father decides "all's fair" and becomes an "occasional dad".

 

As for comparing it to my situation specifically. It doesen't wash. All the "children" who could be involved are long time adults themselves.

[wildsoul]

This is the 21st century. There are many "live in" relationships that are bringing multiple kids into family settings featuring unmarried parents, unmarried but cohabiting. This situation was not common until twenty years ago or so. The children add a new and more serious dynamic. The "anything is fair before the vows" adage really gums up the situation. Obviously this guy is playing house, married in all but the ceremony.

Thank you for saying that!

 

And I'll add that (imo) the fact that he cheated right before the wedding is particularly brutal. I'm sure married people here will balk, but to me there is a greater level of betrayal when the cheating is close to the time of the wedding (before/after.) It's one thing to have an affair when someone realizes the M is over (and hopefully just a slip on their way out) but quite another when they cheat at the same time as taking vows. Eww.

[Die Hard]

As for comparing it to my situation specifically. It doesen't wash. All the "children" who could be involved are long time adults themselves.

So cheating is only an issue of character when children are involved. Okay.

 

 

It's one thing to have an affair when someone realizes the M is over (and hopefully just a slip on their way out) but quite another when they cheat at the same time as taking vows. Eww.

It's one thing to have an affair when someONE realizes the M is over, huh? For christ's sake ...you haven't learned anything from this forum, or your own experiences.

 

The two of you make a great pair of rationalizers. If only you could hold such upright opinions when it comes to yourselves. I cannot actually believe you both are judging others.

 

It's one thing to engage in an affair and entirely another to do it and be a hypocrite about others. I'm sure they all have rationalizations to fit their situations, just like you .

 

And wildsoul ...please dispense with the "eww" when you've been sleeping with a married man yourself. As if you're cleaner than the rest of us.

 

I have no issues with either of you ...I quite like your threads, but can't we "keep it real" once in awhile?

[weller]

further background for people who are interested.. it may make it a little clearer.

 

yes, it was he who called off the wedding..

 

i've known him longer than the time frame of the relationship but only sporadically.

 

hes never actually lived with her for any length of time. they met while working away and he has always worked abroad, only returning every other weekend and living with her and her relatives. they have a house to move into and were going to do so after the wedding.

 

i think after looking at all your replies that you speak what i am thinking but i take issue with the fact that some are slating him.. hes done the right thing and called off the wedding.. surely it would have been worse if he'd gone through with it.

 

i can make excuses for him til the cows come home but i'm not going to.. i know that we shouldn't be doing what we are doing, and maybe i'm just an excuse for him to get out of doing 'the right thing'.

 

as an aside, i was brought up in a horrible situation where my father and mother stayed together for the sake of the children and it had a very negative impact on all of us.. I can't see why him as an absent father wouldn't be able to be as caring as a present one.. especially if he was happier within his situation and not trapped in a relationship that was making him unhappy. Its a sign of times but people do have babies willy nilly and don't think about the consequences. I certainly would never have one outside of marriage but people these days so.. and at a very young age..

[frannie]

i met a man 9 weeks ago and we had a very intense 3 week relationship.. he is due to be married in december and for this reason we decided to stop before things went to far (to be perfectly honest they kinda already had, with him saying he was falling in love with me and he didn't wanna get married he was only doing it for the babies and he wanted to make a proper family). I asked him not to contact me cos it hurt too much but then 2 weeks ago i find out the wedding is cancelled. So we meet and things get rekindled.. he had left the family home but has now returned under the banner of seeing the kids. which is fine.. i know he needs to see his children and he technically is still in the relationship with his financee, wedding or no wedding.

 

Which of them called off the wedding, and why? And is it cancelled or postponed for some reason (that you may or may not ever know)?

 

I'm with those who think it's actually worse to be cheating when you're due to get married than it is after years of marriage. I'm aware that seems back-to-front to some, but I think the reasons for that have been explained by others so I won't reiterate.

 

There are too many questions here, too much of the ewww factor (sorry to those it offends, yes I'm an ex-OW too!)... and thankfully for you, weller, you have only known him for nine weeks, so I would say, yes, get out. Walk away while you still feel able to. As you say, the rings may not have been exchanged but he is still in a relationship with a woman with children.

[LakesideDream]

So cheating is only an issue of character when children are involved. Okay.

 

 

It's one thing to have an affair when someONE realizes the M is over, huh? For christ's sake ...you haven't learned anything from this forum, or your own experiences.

 

The two of you make a great pair of rationalizers. If only you could hold such upright opinions when it comes to yourselves. I cannot actually believe you both are judging others.

 

It's one thing to engage in an affair and entirely another to do it and be a hypocrite about others. I'm sure they all have rationalizations to fit their situations, just like you .

 

And wildsoul ...please dispense with the "eww" when you've been sleeping with a married man yourself. As if you're cleaner than the rest of us.

 

I have no issues with either of you ...I quite like your threads, but can't we "keep it real" once in awhile?

 

 

Die Hard, I take acception when anyone tries to speak for me, which you have with your statement: So cheating is only an issue of character when children are involved. Okay.

 

Cheating is never OK. OK means positive and laudable. It's not. I have seen it from both sides. I am fully aware of the consequences. I have never reccomended it. Negetive things will usually flow from it. Cheating is however a facet of the human condition.

 

There is a difference between what is occuring in the OP's life and what happens much later in life. Responsibilities change. Relationships evolve. What is unfathomable at 25 may seem very different at 55. This may be because IT IS different.

 

My worry here is for the young chillins. As I stated I don't care much about the two, or three counting the fiance people involved. They are youngish adults, they will probably recover. They are not dependent on others for everything. Those children are. The man the OP speaks of does not seemed overly concerned about the children he fathered or the woman he fathered them with. The OP seems totally unconcerned with them whatsoever. This is sad.

 

Look around you. Look at the behavior young children are displaying today. The violence, drug use, lack of responsibility or even minimal consideration of others some young children are showing society. Do you think that this situation is unconnected to the total oblitheration of the nuclear family by the changes in social morals that began in the 1960's?

 

There were no 10 year old drug dealers or pimps when I was 10 years old, no Colombines, no pre adolesent murders.

 

There were almost no "broken families" then. When I was 10 I went to an inner city grammer school with over a thousand students. There were 3 divorced families, 3 "single moms" in the whole school.

 

15 years ago when my kids were in grammer school, between them in 5-6 grades there were 65 students. Among those 65 only 5 kids were still living in intact families with their bio moms and dads, includeing my two. The rest were being raised by single parents, or in "blended" families. Are the children well served by that? That is keeping it real !

[Die Hard]

Cheating is however a facet of the human condition.

I quoted the relevant sentence since you buried the lead.

 

Then quit challenging the morality and character of those who are doing exactly as you are currently doing. It's one thing to advise against an affair, but you don't have to by a hypocrite at the same time.

 

Now, I'll let you go back to saving the children and bemoaning the disintegration of the nuclear family.

 

[wildsoul]

It's one thing to have an affair when someONE realizes the M is over, huh? For christ's sake ...you haven't learned anything from this forum, or your own experiences.

 

The two of you make a great pair of rationalizers. If only you could hold such upright opinions when it comes to yourselves. I cannot actually believe you both are judging others.

 

It's one thing to engage in an affair and entirely another to do it and be a hypocrite about others. I'm sure they all have rationalizations to fit their situations, just like you .

 

And wildsoul ...please dispense with the "eww" when you've been sleeping with a married man yourself. As if you're cleaner than the rest of us.

 

I have no issues with either of you ...I quite like your threads, but can't we "keep it real" once in awhile?

I am keeping it real. I shared my honest opinion, knowing that a few would balk. My opinion (which is just that, my opinion) stands.

 

I don't think cheating is right. Never done it before now, but I'm adult enough to see that people do. As in most crimes, there are levels of betrayal (e.g. robbery with a gun carries a higher sentencing than shoplifting.) You may call it rationalizing, but to me a grey zone does exist.

 

This year, I crossed that line with a MM who told me he was ending his M and that his W knew he was dating others. After a month, when I found out that she knew, but didn't condone it, I broke up with him. We stayed in light contact, but I told him I wouldn't date him again until he was separated. Within 6 weeks, he rented a room outside the home and we dated in earnest. In the summer, when it seemed his separation process wasn't progressing, I broke up with him again (and joined this site.) There are no children involved. Judging myself ONLY, I feel that my crimes have crossed the line into being an A. Yet I've also broken up with him every time when it seemed his separation might not be mutual with her. Naive and willing to overlook due to selfishness: guilty as charged. But did I actively deceive her, or participate with him knowing he was actively deceiving her? No, I didn't.

 

It's ridiculous to say that just because a person finds themselves in an A that they should approve ALL affairs. I don't. Call me a hypocrite if you want, but I don't think all crimes are equal. When it comes to children and actively lying to the BS, it's more serious to me.

 

My eww was a reaction to imagining how painful it would be to be the betrayed fiancee. Also, my eww was imagining that this guy could do the same thing to weller. It's just plain ol' icky, and I'm not pretending otherwise. Weller was asking if she should cut her losses and walk away before it got even more "messy." If she'd been sounding hell bent on keeping this guy, I wouldn't have even shared my reaction. But even she thinks this is messy.

[Die Hard]

It's ridiculous to say that just because a person finds themselves in an A that they should approve ALL affairs.

Never said that and you know it.

 

This is my fault. I apologize. I forget that I'm speaking with folks who don't have their head straight right now. The absurdity of what you write is completely lost on you both.

 

Wildsoul, your MM could have 10 kids and you'd STILL stay with him. That much is evident from your threads. The only reason you say child issues are unacceptable is because your MM doesn't have any. Fits perfectly into your little hypocritical thesis.

[wildsoul]

Never said that and you know it.

 

This is my fault. I apologize. I forget that I'm speaking with folks who don't have their head straight right now. The absurdity of what you write is completely lost on you both.

 

Wildsoul, your MM could have 10 kids and you'd STILL stay with him. That much is evident from your threads. The only reason you say child issues are unacceptable is because your MM doesn't have any. Fits perfectly into your little hypocritical thesis.

No, you didn't SAY that. What I was responding to was the implication that since we'd been in affairs we have no right to judge whatsoever.

 

You're wrong in your assertion about me being with MM even if he had kids. I'm very socially conservative when it comes to children. One of the reasons why I didn't have kids was because I wasn't married during my childbearing years (no judgement on others at all, but that's my own standard for myself.) And when it comes to dating, I don't date men w/ young kids because I don't want to put them through more drama. My xH was the only exception, as his kids were 17 and 21 when we met. Even then, I told him that I wanted to date and make sure he and I were serious before meeting them (they lived with him.) Anyways, NO I wouldn't have dated MM if he had kids, or even if he was M w/o intention that he was definitely separating.

 

Love you, too Diehard.

 

Weller: SORRY for the threadjack!

[Die Hard]

No, you didn't SAY that. What I was responding to was the implication that since we'd been in affairs we have no right to judge whatsoever.

 

You're wrong in your assertion about me being with MM even if he had kids. I'm very socially conservative when it comes to children. One of the reasons why I didn't have kids was because I wasn't married during my childbearing years (no judgement on others at all, but that's my own standard for myself.) And when it comes to dating, I don't date men w/ young kids because I don't want to put them through more drama. My xH was the only exception, as his kids were 17 and 21 when we met. Even then, I told him that I wanted to date and make sure he and I were serious before meeting them (they lived with him.) Anyways, NO I wouldn't have dated MM if he had kids, or even if he was M w/o intention that he was definitely separating.

 

Love you, too Diehard.

 

Weller: SORRY for the threadjack!

I guess I did imply that. In fact, I believe that some of the best support can come from those who have "been there". You can show empathy without judging, btw. Honestly, my gripe was with LSD, not with you. You weren't here when LSD used to stalk this forum section saying some of the meanest things I've seen written on this site(this was before he admitted his own affair). He even has a thread he started to proclaim his hypocrisy. I give him credit for coming clean but I will darn sure point out when he's heading back down the road he was before he admitted he was human like the rest of us.

 

Anyway I have no ill will towards either of you. If I sound blunt it's just because that's the way it comes across via text. If we had this conversation in person you would not think I disliked you at all. So, back at you.