The woman I thought I'd eventually marry called today...

[dns502475]

Hi Everyone,

 

I thought I'd share something that happened today, that may be of interest to some of you going through a breakup right now.

 

The ex-girlfriend that I thought was the "one" I would walk down the aisle with called me today out of the blue. She and I have been broken up for about 2 years after telling me that she didn't think it was going to work and that she needed "a break".

 

Well...I gave her all the "break" she needed (even though I was doing it for my own well being, of course).

 

Now, this was my second major relationship breakup. I did an ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE job of handing my first major breakup with a different woman. I did everything...and I mean EVERYTHING a person isn't supposed to do after a breakup. I begged, pleaded, bargained, behaved as if I couldn't live without her, etc. It was a disaster.

 

The breakup with the woman who called today, on the other hand, I handled much, much differently. I exercised No Contact. No phone calls, emails, texts, IMs, nothing.

 

I tried my best to completely focus on myself and my needs, and immediately accepted that it was over and said that I would not give into any false hope. And yes...it was VERY hard. But I remembered what a very good friend of mine told me during my first heartbreak that stuck with me.

 

He said "You know...at some point, you have to WANT to get over her."

 

Fast forward to today...She called this afternoon and we spoke for about an hour and a half just catching up. It was a very nice, easy conversation. It was fun. We laughed, cracked jokes, asked about what the other person was up to, etc.

 

Near the end, the tone of the conversation changed a bit. She then asked would I mind if she spoke a bit more seriously. I answered "of course, what's on your mind"? She talked about our relationship and expressed that missed me and loved me, and realized that she made a mistake. She asked if I missed her at all, and would I be open to giving us another try.

 

(Pardon me, as I'm paraphrasing here a bit..) But I told her..."Hey, you know I care about you, I really do. And I wish you the best, but I just don't feel that way for you anymore. You left me in a position where I had to either stay stuck or move on. Although our relationship was very important to me, I made the decision to put it behind me and that's what I did".

 

She said she understood and apologized for any pain she may have caused me. I told her, "don't feel that way, you didn't do anything that wasn't in your right to do, and it wasn't anything I couldn't handle".

 

Following that, we exchanged a few more words and pleasantries, and that was it.

 

I thought that it was interesting that she would reach out to me just a few days after I started taking part on this site. So, I thought it could be pretty relevant to some people struggling in their early or middle parts of their own breakup.

 

If you keep on track and really commit to sincerely moving on and rebuilding yourself during these difficult parts of your breakup and recover, you'll be surprised that you could find yourself as the one given the opportunity decide the fate of the relationship.

 

But you REALLY have to sincerely move-on for that possibility to present itself. I sincerely believe that if I did all of the same things I did in my first breakup with this woman, I would never have received this call today.

 

So, stay strong. You may find yourself surprised by the outcome.

 

Hope this helps...

 

dns

[Jenny123]

I take it ur not letting her back in ur life then? Is those feelings gone 4 her now?

[dns502475]

I take it ur not letting her back in ur life then? Is those feelings gone 4 her now?

 

Hi Jenny,

 

Well, it's not really about "letting" at this point. I moved on. I simply don't feel the same way for her anymore. I mean, is she still attractive and beautiful and all of those other things I saw in her? Yes, of course.

 

But I'm no longer "in love" with her anymore. I think she's great person, but there's just a better fit for me personally out there.

 

Today I had the very thing that, at one point, I thought I wanted most in the world offered to me and I found myself saying "no thank you".

 

Strange feeling.

[Jenny123]

Was curious on whether there was a possibility. Thanks for your honesty. I'm 70% there, just a bit more to go 2 closing that chapter in my life.

Good luck, ur posts are great;)

[citizen67]

That is interesting - thanks for sharing. I remember a friend of mine, this guy broke it off with her and she was pretty broken up about it, but she accepted it. Eventually he called and wanted her back (it had been quite a while) and she said something along the lines of too little too late. It was empowering. So yes, acceptance is key

[norajane]

If you keep on track and really commit to sincerely moving on and rebuilding yourself during these difficult parts of your breakup and recover, you'll be surprised that you could find yourself as the one given the opportunity decide the fate of the relationship.

 

But you REALLY have to sincerely move-on for that possibility to present itself. I sincerely believe that if I did all of the same things I did in my first breakup with this woman, I would never have received this call today.

 

If you sincerely move on, then who cares if that possibility presents itself when you get a call 2 years later?

[DSM-IV Tom]

dns youre the friggin man. marry me. even though im straight

[Trialbyfire]

I don't disagree that moving on is something worthwhile. Where I disagree is that it's reliant on what made the two of you breakup in the first place, which will define whether you should move on right away or not.

 

I'll also agree that there isn't just one person for anyone. You'll love again and find someone new. Whether everyone is disposable is reliant on your attitude. I prefer to view it as "if someone isn't going to put the effort into keeping a relationship going, then it's time to move on".

 

I do agree that begging and pleading are bad mojo. No one deserves this or should put themselves through it. Have some self-respect. Where there is room for movement is the act of compromising on issues and coming to an agreed upon understanding.

 

Overall, I agree with nj. Why does it matter if you've moved on? Sounds to me like more of a positional validation than anything else. Sure, it's an ego-stroke and I won't take that away from you but see it for what it is.

[dns502475]

Overall, I agree with nj. Why does it matter if you've moved on? Sounds to me like more of a positional validation than anything else. Sure, it's an ego-stroke and I won't take that away from you but see it for what it is.

 

Trialbyfire, you seem to have a problem with men who speak their mind. Some guy clearly hurt you pretty badly.

 

But you're right about one thing. It didn't matter because I made my decision about it a long time ago.

 

And yes, you're SO right. It's just me stroking my ego. See, I need to come to a board of people I've only become acquainted with over the internet this week to gloat about the woman I wanted to spend my life with at one point.

 

You got me, Trialbyfire!

 

Yep, there was NO way whatsoever that I posted this for people who are secretly, or not so secretly resorting to desperate behaviors because they're having trouble cutting off contact and hesitating from moving on.

 

Perhaps you should talk to someone instead of posting 25,000 posts in the course of 2 years. Sounds like you don't have much to do.

[BCCA]

It's always when youre the least interested in discussing getting back together that an ex will take the initiative to throw it out there. Its really true, whoever cares least controls most.

 

I think when you've really moved on, you wont care if they call at all.

[alphamale]

(Pardon me, as I'm paraphrasing here a bit..) But I told her..."Hey, you know I care about you, I really do. And I wish you the best, but I just don't feel that way for you anymore. You left me in a position where I had to either stay stuck or move on. Although our relationship was very important to me, I made the decision to put it behind me and that's what I did".

good job dns...now you'll feel even better cause YOU rejected HER

[IcemanJB]

If you sincerely move on, then who cares if that possibility presents itself when you get a call 2 years later?

 

 

Exactly his point. Moving on put him in the position of "power" for lack of a better term. That call would certainly be an incentive for me to continue my NC. I'm on day 12, after a month and a half of my hopes getting up then getting swiftly crushed by her shortly after. Luckily I didn't beg or plead, but I still "let" her text, email and meet up with me when I should have forced NC.

[Trialbyfire]

dns, I have strong opinions and so do you. Let's keep this non-personal. You've thrown your thoughts out onto a post and I've replied to it in the way that makes sense to me.

[norajane]

Exactly his point. Moving on put him in the position of "power" for lack of a better term. That call would certainly be an incentive for me to continue my NC. I'm on day 12, after a month and a half of my hopes getting up then getting swiftly crushed by her shortly after. Luckily I didn't beg or plead, but I still "let" her text, email and meet up with me when I should have forced NC.

 

But that position of "power" means nothing if you don't care about that person anymore because you've moved on and don't care about having power.

 

When you've moved on, you're indifferent, you don't care, it doesn't affect you. At the point of indifference, even gloating has no appeal.

 

So what difference does it make if she calls 2 years later or not?

 

ETA: And why is this thread pinned? Is there some wisdom I'm missing? Can I pin my own threads? I think my bra-fitting thread deserves to be pinned as it's informative and useful for all women.

[EmperorR]

thanks for this, this reminds me to change my number as soon as I can

[BCCA]

So what difference does it make if she calls 2 years later or not?

 

Because it probably felt pretty damned good to tell her "thanks, but no thanks" after all that time. An ego boost, as mentioned. I'm sure, to a certain degree, it would be difficult for any of us to resist this temptation, but I think the best thing you could have possibly done is to let her leave a message that you didnt return.

 

And I urge anyone reading this to not think too far ahead and expect that this will ever happen to you. Move on as if youll never hear from your ex again, and if by some chance you get a call like this, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

[EmperorR]

So what difference does it make if she calls 2 years later or not?

 

Because it probably felt pretty damned good to tell her "thanks, but no thanks" after all that time. An ego boost, as mentioned. I'm sure, to a certain degree, it would be difficult for any of us to resist this temptation, but I think the best thing you could have possibly done is to let her leave a message that you didnt return.

 

And I urge anyone reading this to not think too far ahead and expect that this will ever happen to you. Move on as if youll never hear from your ex again, and if by some chance you get a call like this, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

 

lol, kind of sad but i already have a draft letter of what I'll read if my ex ever tries the I made a mistake I want you back etc.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm a little confused at why this thread is pinned, as well. Doesn't it make sense to pin threads with a positive message, such as honestly moving on enough that no matter what your ex does, it's moot to you?

[norajane]

So what difference does it make if she calls 2 years later or not?

 

Because it probably felt pretty damned good to tell her "thanks, but no thanks" after all that time. An ego boost, as mentioned. I'm sure, to a certain degree, it would be difficult for any of us to resist this temptation, but I think the best thing you could have possibly done is to let her leave a message that you didnt return.

 

You know, maybe that's why I don't get this thread at all. I don't get an ego boost from that sort of thing. I'd feel sorry for the ex if they did that. I'd feel compassion for them, not smug self-satisfaction.

[kizik]

She talked about our relationship and expressed that missed me and loved me, and realized that she made a mistake. She asked if I missed her at all, and would I be open to giving us another try.

 

(Pardon me, as I'm paraphrasing here a bit..) But I told her..."Hey, you know I care about you, I really do. And I wish you the best, but I just don't feel that way for you anymore. You left me in a position where I had to either stay stuck or move on. Although our relationship was very important to me, I made the decision to put it behind me and that's what I did".

 

She said she understood and apologized for any pain she may have caused me. I told her, "don't feel that way, you didn't do anything that wasn't in your right to do, and it wasn't anything I couldn't handle".

 

My question is: if she put you in a position where you could either "stay stuck" or "move on," how is it that you would later tell her, "You didn't do anything that wasn't in your right to do"?

 

When someone leaves me like that, it's hard to imagine a scenario in which I completely absolve them of all responsibility. I don't care if it's tomorrow or ten years from now, I will ALWAYS look at my ex (both of them, actually) in a negative light because of what she did to me. Doesn't mean I won't say hi to her if I pass her on the street on some random day, but I sure as f*ck won't go stroking her ego or saying "It's OK" when she clearly acted unfair and selfishly.

[dns502475]

My question is: if she put you in a position where you could either "stay stuck" or "move on," how is it that you would later tell her, "You didn't do anything that wasn't in your right to do"?

 

When someone leaves me like that, it's hard to imagine a scenario in which I completely absolve them of all responsibility. I don't care if it's tomorrow or ten years from now, I will ALWAYS look at my ex (both of them, actually) in a negative light because of what she did to me. Doesn't mean I won't say hi to her if I pass her on the street on some random day, but I sure as f*ck won't go stroking her ego or saying "It's OK" when she clearly acted unfair and selfishly.

 

It's not stroking her ego to simply acknowledge that what she did was within her rights to do, regardless of how it made me feel.

 

I can't make anyone stay with me and I can't make anyone leave me, either. It's always up to the person I'm dating at the time. Nor can they impose the same on me.

 

She decided that whatever it was she needed in relationship, I wasn't able to provide it. She made a decision regarding the direction of her own life. That's absolutely a choice she (or anyone for that matter) is entitled to make.

 

Kizik, I'm sure you agree that neither life or people have any obligation to be "fair" to us.

 

And, honestly, isn't it just as selfish for someone to continue to pressure, guilt-trip, or otherwise emotionally manipulate a person into staying with them, when that person has clearly demonstrated that it is not their desire to do so?

[kizik]

All valid points, but just admit to yourself that she hurt you. Don't deny it. Be human. Nothing wrong with being angry.

[Dmoney28]

And, honestly, isn't it just as selfish for someone to continue to pressure, guilt-trip, or otherwise emotionally manipulate a person into staying with them, when that person has clearly demonstrated that it is not their desire to do so?

 

my first time quoting, lol....bear with me. No amount of manipulation, pressuring or guilt tripping is goingt o make anyone stay...or stay for very long anyway. People who have thier mind made up, are going to do whatever they want. Unless they have some MAJOR issues.

[dns502475]

I said from the beginning that I was very hurt.

 

And I didn't deny it when she apologized. I just said (two years after the fact mind you) that it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

 

Am I angry, or upset, or hurt now? Not at all. Why should I be at this point? It's been two years. Anyone on this board dealing with a breakup will be able to say the exact same thing themselves two years from now.

 

Despite what some others have read into this thread, it's ONLY purpose was to show to those people who are still feeling weak, or like they need their ex that moving on puts them back into a position of power. And that power isn't some in rejecting them because they rejected you. (I don't even think the word "rejected" is appropriate in these situations).

 

It's the power that comes when a person who has been going through the hell on earth that is a broken-heart FINALLY gets to the point of being in control of his or her own emotion such that, it isn't a desperation-driven, and fear-based "neediness" controlling their decision.

 

When I see these posts that think of it as some "ego trip" it makes me scratch my head...

 

This wasn't about telling someone to "take a hike". This was a woman I loved enough to marry and, prior to our breakup, she is someone I had known a long time. I care about her, and if I still had those same feelings for her, I would have absolutely given it another shot. But I don't and I wasn't going to put her through any "ins and outs" about it.

[dns502475]

my first time quoting, lol....bear with me. No amount of manipulation, pressuring or guilt tripping is goingt o make anyone stay...or stay for very long anyway. People who have thier mind made up, are going to do whatever they want. Unless they have some MAJOR issues.

 

None of that stuff will make them stay if they don't want to.

 

But at their core, these actions are still based out of a selfish desire of the person who resorts to them.