wisebutnotperfect Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 so i've been single again after a difficult 10 yr marriage for about 1 1/2 yrs now and have figured out that some of my mistake in choosing an appropriate partner has been lack of dating and lack of knowing exactly what i need in a partner. this time around i am determined to date a variety of women and to become friends with as many as i like. not to become a "player" because i'm just not built that way, but just to gain more self confidence and to learn more about what a good solid relationship grows from. enter my friend barb.. i met her about a year ago and really like her as a person because she is genuinely caring, bubbly and relatively cute. not feeling smitten at all with her as far as physical attraction but i do enjoy her company and i have heard many stories of some of the best relationships starting without being "love at first sight". my previous relationships have been based primarily on physical attraction and great initial sexual chemistry and i really think that this pattern can lead to some very bad marriages if there is not enough common ground in other areas. so.... my dilemna is that barb is very smitten by me and has let me know.. i've told her that i am very flattered but that i really feel a need to date others as well. she, like all of us, has times where she really wants to have a physical relationship with me but i have told her that, man that i am, i have no objections to sex but that i don't want to hurt her by seeing other people as well. i really think that we have the potential to be really good friends and maybe more. i'm afraid that sex would create a difficult dimension for us and that she will have expectations in her mind that may very well may never play out. i've tried to be as up front with her as possible.. am i on the right track? let me know what you think!
audrey_1 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Reading this prompted me to actually log in after a long while of "read only." But your post got my personal attention, and compelled me to respond. First, I'm sorry about the breakup of your marriage. In the current situation I just ended, I was Barb. He found me on an online networking site exactly six months after I broke my engagement. He was a childhood friend. Families know each other. Grew up down the street from each other. Hadn't seen each other in 15 or so years. All of that. We spent a lot of time together over the past year, doing things from NFL football games, to long hikes, to wine tasting, to movies. It was wonderful, and I thought we were a great match. He told me he wanted to date around, and encouraged me to date other people, also, but my feelings for him continued to grow, and I was no longer comfortable being one of many. Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I dropped by to say "hi" and to see if he wanted me to take him for dinner. His birthday was that Saturday. There was another woman there. I was devastated, though I knew it was fully within his right to see who he wanted. It was then that I was forced to accept that I couldn't be a part of his "journey." I had to go NC. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm on day 5. I have no plans for him to be in my life at all going forward, and thankfully this will be easy, since we live over an hour's drive from each other. My point is this: if you date around to learn about yourself, that's fine. Have fun with that. Learn about yourself. Grow. But be prepared for the possibility of a "one that got away" scenario, when one of the "many" may want more, and decides that she won't settle for less. I wish you the best.
norajane Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I agree with Audrey. You'll have to be prepared that a woman who already does have feelings for you won't be able to just casually date you or try to be "just friends". Each date may be a little torture for her knowing that you don't feel the same way she does, and she won't want to continue getting more and more attached to you if you aren't doing the same. Your method may work with some women who are content to just date and just be friends, but most of those women won't have any strong feelings for you. So if you do develop feelings later on, they might not be on the same page as you, after putting you in the friend zone. i have heard many stories of some of the best relationships starting without being "love at first sight". my previous relationships have been based primarily on physical attraction and great initial sexual chemistry and i really think that this pattern can lead to some very bad marriages if there is not enough common ground in other areas. I agree with this, too, but you have to be careful to recognize NO interest and no potential, with some interest that can grow.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 I, too, got married without adequate dating experience, and I think you are exactly on the right track. Being upfront is all you can do. I imagine that some women will be OK with no-strings sex and others won't. As long as you are prepared for that, I don't see any problem.
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