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What do women think about a man who wants to date exclusively right off the bat?

Stockalone

By Stockalone
in Dating

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Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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New tally. If I missed anyone, fix it yourself. :p

 

Age unknown: No = 1

Under 25: Yes = 1, No = 2, Yes if I were into the guy = 1

25 - 35: Yes = 1, No = 1, Yes if I were into the guy = 4

35+: Yes = 2, No = 4, Yes if I were into the guy = 2

 

The above figures are a tally of 19 women. I could have missed a woman due to the chatter and the ambiguity of userids. If you have an ambiguous userid, plse state your gender.

jlr5175 Member

jlr5175

Posted
Posted
New tally. If I missed anyone, fix it yourself. :p

 

Age unknown: No = 1

Under 25: Yes = 1, No = 2, Yes if I were into the guy = 1

25 - 35: Yes = 1, No = 1, Yes if I were into the guy = 4

35+: Yes = 2, No = 4, Yes if I were into the guy = 2

 

The above figures are a tally of 19 women. I could have missed a woman due to the chatter and the ambiguity of userids. If you have an ambiguous userid, plse state your gender.

I am a male.

movingonandon Established Member

movingonandon

Posted
Posted

I would remove the "under 25" age group entirely from the 'study', or at least from the discussion :). Girls younger than 25 can't tell dating if it bit them on their aZzeZ :cool:. (Men too, but if there are any, they've had the common sense not to chime in:))

 

 

Women (not girls) 25 and older will have no problem with that unless it comes before some critical amount of dates (i'd say at least 3, depemnding on how they go)

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Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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Thanks for all your responses. I will try to answer the questions that have been asked. Some of the questions seemed to be similar in nature so I won’t address each of those individually.

 

In case I missed something because of this approach, please point out what I missed and I will answer those questions too.

 

 

 

After only one or two dates?

 

It’d probably be towards the end of the third date. I don’t need more time to see if there is potential for a relationship or not.

 

 

 

BF/GF and exclusive are one and the same, IMO.

 

They are not the same for me.

 

A relationship is the goal, the reason why I went on dates. But that doesn’t mean that I wanted a relationship right from the start.

 

I do understand that this is asking people for a leap of faith, cutting off their other options to see where the “potential” we have, is going to lead us.

 

But I know that I am not flattered by a woman choosing me in an elimination process. The woman I date is my priority, she gets my undivided attention. Hence, I like to get in return what I offer and I really don’t care much for being only one option among many.

 

Maybe I should be flattered that she picked me instead of the other guys she went out with at the same time, but it doesn’t work like that for me. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It makes me feel like a pawn that can easily be sacrificed and makes me feel like I was chosen because I was the last piece left on the board.

 

I don’t mind being tested or scrutinized, but only if it is done to find out WHO I am, not WHAT I am in comparison to someone else.

 

 

 

I wouldn't mind other than the use of the word "expect" in your sentence. It's fine that you have that expectation, but I wouldn't want to hear such a strong word so soon. That's probably the loudest word I would hear in that entire group of words.

 

I only “borrowed” the phrasing, but I wouldn’t mind using it myself in that form.

 

I can see why the word “expect” will bother people though, but I believe it pretty much sums it up. I won’t date women who multi-date, so there is no reason to pretend otherwise.

 

However, if the delivery is the problem, maybe this would be better?

 

“I really like you and believe that we have the potential for a relationship. But I know that I can only explore this potential if we are only seeing each other, when there is no distraction from dating other people.

 

I really want to try and see where this is going with us. What do you think?”

 

 

 

The title implies that the guy is directly asking a particular girl to date him exclusively. However, the opening post is a generic question asking about a girl's dating preferences in general... not specifically asking her to become exclusive with him.

 

The reason for using this statement was pretty much to establish a point of reference, so everybody would reply to the same thing.

 

If you would like a more direct approach concerning a particular girl, please look at my response to AlektraClementine.

 

 

And depending on the tone of your voice and your body language, I might think that your goal was to "own" me - and that is a huge red flag for me. I would run for the hills!!

 

It certainly depends on the definition of “owning” a person, but that is probably true. I am possessive and more jealous than the average guy.

 

In a sense, I do want to “own” the woman I am with, but it’s not like I want to own her like I own my car. I also don’t mind being owned myself.

 

 

ALL of my "real" relationships have started that way ! We are either BOTH mutually very interested in seeing where this particular relationship will take us, and don't want to muddy the waters. ( plus, no sex until excusivity, and usually the lust is very much there in these situations ) or, it's casual dating and i'm not that into the guy. AND i only let myself invest when i can tell the guy is very invested in ME.

 

I guess that how invested I am and the casual dating go hand in hand in my case. Casual dating doesn’t work for the “real” me. I tried that for a while in college. It did work, as far as getting dates was concerned and it worked actually better in getting follow-up dates than my usual approach. Not really a big surprise, but I have to admit that this bothered me nonetheless.

 

The vagueness/ambiguity of casual dating is a turn-off for me and it feels like a waste of time and effort. As a result, I am more reserved and probably appear more confident as a result, which apparently is more attractive to the women and I can see why. But the man that these women saw while dating me is not the man that I really am. They never got to see my best side, but they also never saw my worst side.

 

If I pursue a woman, I am not going to hide my insecurities that might cause problems in a relationship. That woman will get to know my worst side but she will also see the best side. I know I have insecurities and they will never go away completely, so hiding them would not be right. They are part of who I am. Besides, I couldn’t even hide them completely if I wanted to. I can only try to work on them and control them the best I can. And that works much better for me when I am actually in a relationship. They are much harder for me to control during the pursuit. I really don’t like the chase, the anxiety. I start to worry about making mistakes.

 

Not many people get to see that vulnerability though. I never dated much, but I know that I can only love if I let the woman see my vulnerability.

 

 

 

I'd not like that he was asking me based upon his nature, rather than his interest in me.

 

I think it is both. I know early on if there is enough interest on my part to want a relationship or not.

 

And I never dated much, so the interest in the woman I actually want to date exclusively is already there. At least that is how I view it.

 

 

 

I think people are allowed to test out chemistry with more than one date as long as they keep the details and discretions to themselves.

 

...

 

Most people multidate but none would blurt out they're actually dating someone on the side. Neither would anyone be willing to hear that they're # 3 on the dating list. So it's all hush hush.

 

I think it is both. I know early on if there is enough interest on my part to want a relationship or not.

 

And I never dated much, so the interest in the woman I actually date is already there. At least that is how I view it.

berrieh Established Member

berrieh

Posted
Posted
I do understand that this is asking people for a leap of faith, cutting off their other options to see where the “potential” we have, is going to lead us....

 

I can see why the word “expect” will bother people though, but I believe it pretty much sums it up. I won’t date women who multi-date, so there is no reason to pretend otherwise.

 

Asking someone to take a "leap of faith" is a much nicer way to put it.

 

I'm still not sure that I'd agree -- without the trappings of a relationship, I would find exclusivity suffocating, personally, and there are going to be women like me as well as women who just want to take their time and explore their options (for me, it's not that examining men against each other thing at all...it's just that I view exclusivity as synonymous with a significant relationship and only then). So, I'm not saying it would work with everyone.

 

However, I think you'd look a lot less controlling if you asked for a leap of faith and explained how you felt, rather than jumped into "expectations" and dealbreakers so early. No one likes to feel that they are being controlled, especially so early in a relationship; they like to feel they are making their own choice, and by phrasing it as a "leap of faith," that gives them a nicer way to choose.

RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
Posted
"Hey, when I'm interested in a girl, I don't multi-date and expect the same from the other person, so we can focus on each other. What's your perspective?"

It's happened to me and I thought "This guy is a keeper." A statement like that won't make me think that he's clingy or insecure or not good enough, because I feelt he same. It means he likes me enough, he does one girl at a time, and he's faithful. It doesn't mean he's not good enough, because his qualities depend on what I've observed (his intelligence, looks, manners, sense of humor, looks, education, eloquence, etc.) It's really nice to have a great guy wanting to be exclusive.
RamiTia Member

RamiTia

Posted
Posted

Honestly, I think it would depend. If I really liked the guy and had know him for a while before hand, yeah, sure it would be okay. But, a guy I'd only dated 3 times? Probably not....

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