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What do women think about a man who wants to date exclusively right off the bat?

Stockalone

By Stockalone
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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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What OpenBook said. I like it when guys are serious about this stuff in general.

 

But I do agree that if things are mutually good, the guy probably won't have to state the question in that way, and it'll be very obvious that there's no multiple dating going on. I think the reason many are turned off by this question is because it just comes on really strong and doesn't take the girl's feelings into account.

 

PS--What exactly is "right off the bat?" After the first date? I think that's a bit much. Maybe after three dates.

berrieh Established Member

berrieh

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I'd not like that he was asking me based upon his nature, rather than his interest in me.

 

I wouldn't mind being exclusive with someone early on, if they wanted a relationship with me and I felt the same, and I'd be happy if it felt "right" to be in a relationship with someone.

 

If he framed it based on his feelings for me, I'd be flattered. Based on just what he does ("I don't multi date"), I'm a little put off, and I'd probably say, "I usually date around until I'm with someone, and we both feel we want to be serious with each other. To me, that makes things simpler" and, if I really liked him, see if we could resolve it as either a serious relationship or terms that still reflected both of us, rather than just bending to his way of doing things.

 

The OP never mentioned asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend, just be exclusive to each other. I don't consider that a serious relationship.

 

This is a major point that would need to be resolved before I could answer, personally, I think. To me, there is no point in "being exclusive" and not being in a relationship---they come together. I'd never say "Yes" to a guy unless I thought he wanted an actual relationship; otherwise, why should he have my exclusive focus? That's a waste of time and how you wind up in dead-end situations.

 

I'm mid-twenties. Bracket #1, but just barely.

Eilonwy Established Member

Eilonwy

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I'd agree. And expect the same.

I'm 27.

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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This is a major point that would need to be resolved before I could answer, personally, I think. To me, there is no point in "being exclusive" and not being in a relationship---they come together. I'd never say "Yes" to a guy unless I thought he wanted an actual relationship; otherwise, why should he have my exclusive focus? That's a waste of time and how you wind up in dead-end situations.

 

I'm mid-twenties. Bracket #1, but just barely.

 

I know exactly what you mean and I agree. But what I'm saying and my point is that I don't agree in dating multiple people. If I'm interested in someone, I will date them and them only. I don't consider us to be exclusive at that point and will not until we agree to it together.

Cherry Blossom 35 Established Member

Cherry Blossom 35

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I knew your approx. age so I put you in that category! You were also added to the unclear since I was uncertain about your response. Can you do me a favour and pick one of the stated categories? I don't want to put someone into something, they don't agree with.

 

I would put myself in the category of,Yes if I were into him.

berrieh Established Member

berrieh

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I know exactly what you mean and I agree. But what I'm saying and my point is that I don't agree in dating multiple people. If I'm interested in someone, I will date them and them only. I don't consider us to be exclusive at that point and will not until we agree to it together.

 

Well, I think everyone is entitled to do their own thing. One guy, before he asked for a formal relationship, told me, "I don't know about you, but at this point, I'm not seeing anyone else and I'm not going to." When I asked him if he was asking for a relationship, he said no. I then told him that I probably couldn't commit exclusively to him until we decided we were in a relationship. Eventually, we did, but my boundaries for exclusivity were different from his---I respected his, as long as he didn't try to force them on me and respected mine, too.

 

I oftentimes do date multiple people. Right now, I am not really dating anyone else becaue I'm very interested in the new boy I'm seeing. But I don't consider myself exclusive, so if an opportunity arose, I might go out on another date; I'm not seeking it out, but I'm not closing it off.

 

I would never close that possibility off and accept terms of exclusivity without being in an official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. However, I would never tell someone they had to date others... everyone is free to choose whom they want to date or not date until the relationship has been formed.

 

When a guy asks me for exclusivity, but not a relationship, I basically see it as a bit controlling -- he wants me to take my other options off the table, but he doesn't want to significantly commit to forming the relationship; by shutting down potential competition, he gets to "keep" me without investing emotionally. No, thanks.

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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You make some very strong and GOOD points. I'm only speaking for myself, how I feel. I don't consider dating only one person to be exclusive. My preference in dating one is solely because I don't want to be put in a situation where my feelings may be divided, I'd have to choose, and someone will always get hurt. Or if I'm dating two people, out with one, and the other happens upon the date.

 

In my situation it is also difficult because I know MANY people. I know owners and employees of bars, restaurants, and clubs because of my business. And I care about my outward appearances. I am not and don't want to appear as a player dating multiple women as a stigma would then be placed upon me.

sumdude Established Member

sumdude

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In my situation it is also difficult because I know MANY people. I know owners and employees of bars, restaurants, and clubs because of my business. And I care about my outward appearances. I am not and don't want to appear as a player dating multiple women as a stigma would then be placed upon me.

 

On the other hand... if handled well you could be seen as having even higher social value.

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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On the other hand... if handled well you could be seen as having even higher social value.

 

I'm already very social... :)

 

I'll give another example that actually happened to me. At a restaurant/bar I frequent with friends, after seeing a waitress and talking to her on a few visits, I asked her for her number. We chatted for a bit but she was younger than I thought and I wasn't interested. Now perhaps a month or so later I took a date to that same restaurant and the waitress happened to be there. I saw her looking at me and my date countless times. In my mind, I felt like a dick even though there was no relationship, just friendly chatter.

 

I'm very careful with peoples feelings. Could you elaborate in your statement though?

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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I have to say if a guy tells me that he despises multidating, the only word that pops up in my mind is desperation. Maybe I'm I'm not as experienced as many of the LShackers on here, but I know even after one or two dates, telling someone so much about themselves is enough of a turn off for me to want to run away.

 

Under 25

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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I have to say if a guy tells me that he despises multidating, the only word that pops up in my mind is desperation. Maybe I'm I'm not as experienced as many of the LShackers on here, but I know even after one or two dates, telling someone so much about themselves is enough of a turn off for me to want to run away.

 

Under 25

 

I would never flat out say out. I'm very tactful. :)

 

I'm not against multi-dating as far as other people are concerned, I just don't do it myself. My idea of a dating differs from the majority though.

 

If I'm seeing a woman and I know she is seeing another guy, I would be turned off. I'm going to give a first hand example of what I'm talking about and perhaps other LS'ers will now truly understand what I mean.

 

A friend I know is simply gorgeous. A beautiful woman in mind and body. She told be a couple weeks ago that she was torn. After we chatted, she told me that she was dating someone that she was really interested in... but her ex came back into her life and she was hooking up with him at the same time. Now she was torn between the two because she didn't know what she wanted.

 

That is EXACTLY my point of why I don't multi-date. Someone will get hurt. And if I was the guy she was dating at the time, I would be disgusted finding out she was sleeping with someone before we were going out on a date.

spookie Established Member

spookie

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This is a question for the ladies. Let's say you date a man who tells you the following within the first couple of dates:

 

"Hey, when I'm interested in a girl, I don't multi-date and expect the same from the other person, so we can focus on each other. What's your perspective?"

 

What are your thoughts, what would be your reaction to this?

 

Also, please state in your response which age group you belong to:

 

  1. under 25
  2. 25 - 35
  3. 35+

Thanks.

 

I would be glad we're on the same page.

 

Personally I think I know in my gut right off the bat whether I could fall in love with someone. I've found there's no point dating guys I don't feel that way about, and the ones I do come around so rarely that I don't see multi-dating as much of an option.

 

Under 25.

spookie Established Member

spookie

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I would never flat out say out. I'm very tactful. :)

 

I'm not against multi-dating as far as other people are concerned, I just don't do it myself. My idea of a dating differs from the majority though.

 

If I'm seeing a woman and I know she is seeing another guy, I would be turned off. I'm going to give a first hand example of what I'm talking about and perhaps other LS'ers will now truly understand what I mean.

 

A friend I know is simply gorgeous. A beautiful woman in mind and body. She told be a couple weeks ago that she was torn. After we chatted, she told me that she was dating someone that she was really interested in... but her ex came back into her life and she was hooking up with him at the same time. Now she was torn between the two because she didn't know what she wanted.

 

That is EXACTLY my point of why I don't multi-date. Someone will get hurt. And if I was the guy she was dating at the time, I would be disgusted finding out she was sleeping with someone before we were going out on a date.

 

Being a part of these kinds of situations would just ruin the romance of the initial giddy getting to know someone phase for me, which is why I woudln't multi-date.

kashmir Established Member

kashmir

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I have to say if a guy tells me that he despises multidating, the only word that pops up in my mind is desperation. Maybe I'm I'm not as experienced as many of the LShackers on here, but I know even after one or two dates, telling someone so much about themselves is enough of a turn off for me to want to run away.

 

Under 25

 

Well did you ever consider that the guy can't multi-date? Maybe you're one of the first women he's really liked or even gotten a date with in a while, and he doesn't have any choice than to only date you. Thus, he's going to focus more on you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's desperate...he's just doing something that doesn't come around that often.

 

I probably wouldn't say anything, but I would like it if a girl was only going out with me while I was going out with her. I don't see girls very often, and I do I view it as being a bit special. If she was seeing two other guys and alternating between us, I wouldn't like that. It's too much like a contest, and it puts her as the prize and the three guys as the competitors. I'd rather it myself and the girl be each other's potential prizes and have each one devote equal attention to each other.

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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Well did you ever consider that the guy can't multi-date? Maybe you're one of the first women he's really liked or even gotten a date with in a while, and he doesn't have any choice than to only date you. Thus, he's going to focus more on you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's desperate...he's just doing something that doesn't come around that often.

 

I probably wouldn't say anything, but I would like it if a girl was only going out with me while I was going out with her. I don't see girls very often, and I do I view it as being a bit special. If she was seeing two other guys and alternating between us, I wouldn't like that. It's too much like a contest, and it puts her as the prize and the three guys as the competitors. I'd rather it myself and the girl be each other's potential prizes and have each one devote equal attention to each other.

 

I understand, but you can't expect " exclusivity" after one or two dates, that's diving into shark infested water. Afterall, isn't dating all about testing out the waters first before diving in?

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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I understand, but you can't expect " exclusivity" after one or two dates, that's diving into shark infested water. Afterall, isn't dating all about testing out the waters first before diving in?

 

It is, and I don't believe anyone said you CAN'T multi-date, but I do believe others would agree it is a huge turn off if you are genuinely interested in someone.

Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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I don't see girls very often, and I do I view it as being a bit special.

 

You unwittingly summarized my situation...!

 

I don't see boys very often, and I view dates as something a bit out of the ordinary, so it makes me more inclined to focus all my attention on one guy. I have this feeling that even if I had more options than I do now, I wouldn't multi-date, because how long does it really take to decide if you're really into someone you're dating? Usually, not that long!

jlr5175 Member

jlr5175

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I'm 16 and going to be 17 January 20th. I dont necessarily like the idea of talking to someone who is multidating but I can tolerate it I guess. I always talk to one girl at a time. Flirting with more than one girl at once always seemed wrong to me. It would feel like I'm betraying any other girls I may be flirting with by deceiving them with the illusion that I am focused on being with them while I'm really talking to 3 other girls the exact same way and will eventually have to go through the stress of deciding which one I want. Anyways, if someone said that to me I probably wouldnt mind it and may agree to it. But if it didnt feel so wrong while flirting with more than one girl I would probably tell them to buzz off.

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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I'm 16 and going to be 17 January 20th. I dont necessarily like the idea of talking to someone who is multidating but I can tolerate it I guess. I always talk to one girl at a time. Flirting with more than one girl at once always seemed wrong to me. It would feel like I'm betraying any other girls I may be flirting with by deceiving them with the illusion that I am focused on being with them while I'm really talking to 3 other girls the exact same way and will eventually have to go through the stress of deciding which one I want. Anyways, if someone said that to me I probably wouldnt mind it and may agree to it. But if it didnt feel so wrong while flirting with more than one girl I would probably tell them to buzz off.

 

The question isn't about flirting, it's about whether it's alright the hear the other person talk about being " exclusive" or not to the other person they're dating.

 

I think people are allowed to test out chemistry with more than one date as long as they keep the details and discretions to themselves.

jlr5175 Member

jlr5175

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The question isn't about flirting, it's about whether it's alright the hear the other person talk about being " exclusive" or not to the other person they're dating.

 

I think people are allowed to test out chemistry with more than one date as long as they keep the details and discretions to themselves.

Sorry if misunderstood. Read it real fast and gave quick answer. Still didnt completely intake your post. Can you explain it any further?

berrieh Established Member

berrieh

Posted
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I don't see boys very often, and I view dates as something a bit out of the ordinary, so it makes me more inclined to focus all my attention on one guy. I have this feeling that even if I had more options than I do now, I wouldn't multi-date, because how long does it really take to decide if you're really into someone you're dating? Usually, not that long!

 

Funny, this is how I used to be, too. I guess I like my multi-dating (not sleeping around, mind you) because I found putting too much focus on a guy in the early period didn't work for me.

 

Part of why I expect a significant relationship to go along with exclusivity is that I'm a very social creature and require a good amount of attention in a relationship. I've had guys want me to date only them but to only go out once a week or so and barely communicate in between... I just don't see the point in that.

 

So, really, I multi-date, so I don't get too attached to a guy early on...essentially so I don't get hurt. Others say multi-dating only causes hurt, but, for me, it has definitely helped me avoid getting hurt the way I used to in the past when I put all my eggs in one basket.

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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Sorry if misunderstood. Read it real fast and gave quick answer. Still didnt completely intake your post. Can you explain it any further?

 

Most people multidate but none would blurt out they're actually dating someone on the side. Neither would anyone be willing to hear that they're # 3 on the dating list. So it's all hush hush.

jlr5175 Member

jlr5175

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Most people multidate but none would blurt out they're actually dating someone on the side. Neither would anyone be willing to hear that they're # 3 on the dating list. So it's all hush hush.

I, personally, would feel guilty if multidated. That's why I dont do it.

Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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Berrieh, it's not that I'm not willing to TRY this method, I just don't really get a lot of dates... at this rate I'm not even sure I'm ever going to go on one again ... !!!

berrieh Established Member

berrieh

Posted
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Berrieh, it's not that I'm not willing to TRY this method, I just don't really get a lot of dates... at this rate I'm not even sure I'm ever going to go on one again ... !!!

 

That was totally me at times. It's why I stuck in a terrible relationship for more than half of college... I figured I didn't get that many dates, it was the best I was gonna find! Horrible. ;)

 

I don't know your situation, but that definitely can change. I didn't get any prettier (heck, I even gained weight, though some men do like me better now since I have actual curves), smarter, etc, but I got more interesting with time, by developing myself, and more comfortable being assertive and expressing interest in men.

 

Now, I'm not advising anyone multi-date...but if you feel you'll never get a date again, don't worry; these things completely turn around sometimes. :)

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