Powerful realizations about the kind of boyfriend I was...

[justletgo07]

Although this is probably too little too late...but still significant I think.

 

I have been on several of these forums for a few months now, and I feel that I have gained a tremendous amount of insight into my self and my relationship with my ex. It has been so helpful reading all of your stories, and I really appreciate everyone's openess to share what's really on their hearts and minds.

 

Just a quick recap of my situation: We were together for about 2.5 years. I'm 23 and out of college and she's 22 and still in college. Over the time we were together, we fought quite a bit and broke up several times during that time. We loved each other a lot, we are just prone to arguing. She broke up with me at the end of September, and I was devastated. Of course, I begged and pleaded, and made all the promises to change that everyone does. Pulled myself together and tried to be light and friendly in LC, and then got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, which I know many people say is a cop out, but I believe in this case she is telling the truth. She was really upset about it, and was actually crying as she was telling me, and I was actually comforting her. I decided to go NC about 2 weeks ago, and haven't broken it.

 

After she broke up with me, I started reading everything I could about relationships and reconciling, trying to figure out a way to get her back. Invested in several of those "Get Your Ex Back" e-books, searching frantically for some magical answer that would fix everything and bring her back. And, like many of you, I have read through what feels like 1000s of posts, trying to find someone who's figured out the trick, or whose situation is exactly like mine. While all of this was initially focused around my intense need for instant gratification and a quick fix, I started to realize that I was so focused on myself and my feelings that I had completely ignored my role in the relationship that led to the break up. I began reading books about co-dependency and attachment anxiety, and began to see so much of myself in what I read.

 

I guess one of the turning points came as I was looking through the posts on several forums and came across several of the "I want to break up with my boyfriend" threads. I read through dozens of these, reading countless stories of women who had given it their all, given their boyfriends countless chances to change, and had finally decided to throw in the towel. As I read through their reasons, my heart sank as I began to see myself and my behavior in their descriptions. I began to see myself through my girlfriend's eyes, to understand the pain and frustration I had been causing for a long time. Among my realizations, I realized that I:

 

1. Missed opportunities to connect with her by arguing and playing devil's advocate when she would share things with me, giving her the impression that we had different values and beliefs. I couldn't see that she was sharing those things with me to try and become closer to me through having shared ideas and beliefs.

 

2. I rarely took the time to validate her feelings. When she would come to me upset, I would try to problem solve or tell her she had no reason to be so upset, when all she wanted was for me to listen to her and tell her that the way she felt was completely normal. I missed opportunities to show her that I really, truly cared about her, and instead made her apprehensive to come to me with her problems.

 

3. When she tried to talk about problems with us, I would often react out of frustration, or I'd play the victim, always asking "Why are you doing this to me?". I'd often make her even more upset, and I'd apologize and comfort her, but never address or comfort her for the original problem she had brought to me. This caused a lot of problems to go unresolved. I even went to the extreme of calling her ridiculous or acting like she was crazy for being upset.

 

4. I was co-dependent, and I couldn't be ok when she was upset, even if it had nothing to do with me. I frequently made her more upset, since I would take on her emotional state, instead of keeping our emotions seperate and being strong when she needed me to be.

 

5. I frequently put the responsibility of my happiness on her, rather than taking responsibility for myself. I also have a lot of attachment anxiety, due to my childhood, which made me sometimes panic or act out of fear when none was warranted.

 

6. Got lazy with my health and hygeine. Never to an extreme point, but enough where I'm sure it demonstrated a lack of respect for myself and a low sense of self-worth, which is really unattractive.

 

7. Getting angry and being snappy a lot. Instead of talking about how I felt, I would often be sarcastic, or take other routes of passive-agressive behavior.

 

8. I was always focused on my own feelings

 

There are more, but I think you get the point. Now, I don't want to give you the impression that I am beating myself up, because I'm not. I know that relationships take two, and I know that she brought unhealthy things to the relationship as well. I just wanted to share some of my self discoveries because honestly, even though the truth is not very pretty, I have never felt so self-aware. It would be so easy to demonize my ex, and blame her for "doing this to me", and I think in past relationships that is exactly what I've done. I don't want to hide behind that anymore. I want to change these behaviors, and I am dedicated to doing so. I know it will be difficult, and probably take a long time, but I'm confident that in doing so I'll be a happier person, and that I will have better, more intimate relationships.

 

I miss my gf so much, and my greatest regret is that I couldn't see these things sooner. I don't know if I'll ever get another chance, or if her love can ever come back. At this point, even if she did see these changes in me, she'd probably be happy for me, but it wouldn't change anything. I guess one of the hardest things for me is that, if she were posting on this forum about getting back together or being unsure about her decision to break up with me, most people would tell her not to look back. They'd tell her that she broke up with me for a reason, and that people don't change. I'm sure that's what her friends and family are saying to her, if she even has doubts.

 

In so many of the posts I've read, the women who broke up with their boyfriends were convinced that they would never admit their faults, or were too stubborn to ever take a hard look at themselves. Well, I'm proof that a stubborn, selfish, insecure ex-boyfriend can open his eyes and admit to himself and the entire world that he made mistakes, and that he is so SO sorry...

 

Part of me wants to write her a letter, telling her what I've realized, but I know it would just look like another attempt to change her mind, and I've realized that words really are cheap, and that showing her through my actions will make a much more powerful statement. To you guys out there who don't get why you were dumped, or are saying "Why did she do this to me?" (barring cheating, abuse, etc), allow yourself to take just one more look...

 

...I really miss her today

[alwayssme]

You shouldnt blame yourself...why do we all do this? yes u made mistakes but is anyone perfect? every relationship has problems. i made so many mistakes with my ex and i got the same line "i love you but im not in love with you anymore". and i know i made so many mistakes with him and deep down wish i could go back in time and do those things different but i cant. i know i am a better person now because of it. we cant take back what we did wrong, we can only learn from our mistakes.

[justletgo07]

I'm not blaming myself. I'm just sharing what I've discovered about myself and my role in the breakup. She is FAR from perfect, and the breakup is as much her fault as mine. I guess I was more reacting to all of the claims people make that people never change or that they can't. I believe I can, and awareness is the first step.

[donnamaybe]

This is the sweetest most open post I've read for a long time on LS.

 

Now that you've learned some things about yourself, and at a very young age I might add, you'll be so much better for the next time you and a gal find each other. Or, who knows, maybe your ex will see the changes in you and come around.

 

Just be the best "you" you can be, and everything will be alright. You'll be happy again.

[Ronni_W]

I'm just sharing what I've discovered about myself and my role in the breakup.

Excellent post, JustLetGo!

Sounds like you're pretty close to marketing your own ebook...or could do, if you wanted to .

 

Yes, at this point it is just words that you have to give your ex. BUT, if these are new thoughts and words that she hasn't heard from you before...it may just be worth a shot to put it in nice document format, print it on good quality stationery, and snail-mail it to her with a Christmas card or somesuch.

 

May NOT make a difference to her...but it may.

[newpainting]

Great, great realizations!! I am 38 just out of a year long relationship and I wish my ex realized her selfishness in the matter. She just jumped into another relationship. I kept planting the seeds for us to work through our emotional pain that brought us to this point. But alas all for not. I find your post to be beautiful and enriching. You have learned well and are on a good path. My ex could never ever say she was sorry and she is 33. You have years of maturity above her.

[Dmoney28]

good job bro

 

you sounded like me 2 months ago. I did the same exact thing you did. I read like a mad man. Bought 5 diffrent books and read all of them. check out the "5 languages of apology" and the "five love languages" by Gary chapllan. They opened my eyes so much to how many mistakes i made with my ex. I realized that my communication with her was so screwed up. The important thing is you became self aware. Many people do not reach that level. And they find themselves in strings of relationships and mutiple failed marriages. What you learned will help you have a healthy and happy relationship in the future. Just keep up the good work...and make sure those changes stay permanent.

[EmperorR]

Number 1 - no relationship is perfect

 

hell my ex cheated on me and I was going around acting like I caused it when I did nothing wrong. I'm sure iin certain aspects its good to look back at what mistakes were made and work on those so you don't make it in your future relationship.

[Gremio]

I'm not blaming myself. I'm just sharing what I've discovered about myself and my role in the breakup. She is FAR from perfect, and the breakup is as much her fault as mine. I guess I was more reacting to all of the claims people make that people never change or that they can't. I believe I can, and awareness is the first step.

 

Just playing a little devil's advocate here. I'm a male near your age.

 

I don't believe people change. Most do not even when they say they do. Have you had the opportunity to prove yourself to another woman? To prove that everything you initially said is how you truly act today? Only then will you have changed.

[Dmoney28]

Change not possibe? i know you are playing devil advocate. But i assume you are not a very religeous person. In christianity..the very prescence of christ is to forgive those who repent(change) there ways. Even the very point of prison, is to reform. I have a cousin, who was a former convict...he did a complete 180, married and has bust his @$$ to change his life. Change for one's self is permanent...change for another person is false. And it take time for changes to stay. As long as you are TRYING...then you are headed down the right path. Much easier to continue doing the same old same old. Much harder and a greater inner strength to make make great efforts to adopt good habbits and stop bad ones. Just my opinon.

[justletgo07]

Just playing a little devil's advocate here. I'm a male near your age.

 

I don't believe people change. Most do not even when they say they do. Have you had the opportunity to prove yourself to another woman? To prove that everything you initially said is how you truly act today? Only then will you have changed.

 

First, I want to thank you for sharing your opinion. You raise a valid point.

 

I guess I want to clarify first that I am under no delusion that I have changed. It has barely been 2 months, and I have only recently become aware of these tendancies and behaviors. I want to make sure that is very clear. I am completely aware that while I have come to many realizations, those behaviors would likely return since all I've done is admitted that I have them.

 

I believe the key here, though, is awareness. I would say that it is somewhat uncommon for people to take the time to really look critically at themselves and their behavior like this. Sure, people do in some unhealthy ways by making melodramatic statements about themselves (i.e. "I ruined everything!", "I'm a failure!", etc.) because of their insecurity and low self esteem. But even those people aren't usually willing to break down individual behaviors and look at the specific things they did that led to the situation their in. Plus, people often become pretty self-righteous any time their ego is assaulted, especially after a break up, and for good reason. Self righteousness puts you in the right, and makes your ex out to be the bad guy. It makes the break up easier by convincing yourself that you are the victim of a cold, heartless person who pretended to love you. It is so much easier to fall out of love with someone who you convince yourself is bad person. It makes sense, but it also makes you feel little responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

 

I believe that people have some aspects about themselves and their personalities that cannot be changed, inherent qualities that make them who they are as an individual. When I look at relationships though, they are, for the most part, guided by behaviors, which are learned. For the most part, everything that you do in a relationship; sexuality, how you argue, how you talk about feelings and emotions, how you feel and express yourself about committment, etc. are all behaviors that you learned as you grew up. Many psychological issues, such as attachment anxiety, are caused by the interactions between us and our parents/caretakers in the first few years, but these too, are not a part of you.

 

The hard part comes in because by the time you reach adulthood, many of these behaviors, be them good or bad, are instinctual. You don't have to think about them in order to do them. That is why awareness is so important. By making yourself aware of the behavior, and aware of the emotions/people/things that trigger the behavior, you can begin to unlearn it, and replace it with a new, healthier behavior.

 

In my opinion, most people don't change because it's hard, or because they don't know how or where to start. Or because they believe it is not possible. Many psychologists say that to change these deeply-engrained behaviors, it typically takes working hard for 1 month per the number of years you have been alive, so it also gets progressively more difficult as you age. People can definitely change. You just have to want to.

 

I came to a lot of these conclusions because I began to realize that most of my LTRs have progressed and ended in the exact same way. If you pay attention, you'll begin to notice a lot of patterns in your relationships, particularly in the types of people you attract, and in the ways the 2 of you interact. I'm not talking physical characteristics, or their likes/dislikes, but more subtle things about their personalities.

 

I have gone from relationship to relationship, carrying the same unhealthy patterns of behavior with me along the way, and each had the same outcome. I have decided to draw the line here. Rather than feel sorry for myself, retreat into another relationship, or simply decide I'm better off, I want to use all the energy from this huge heartbreak and turn it back on myself so that I can stop these unhealthy patterns for good.

[Trialbyfire]

WOW!!!!!!!

 

That's one brave post justletgo. You have my respect for that. The only road to change is to admit the problems to yourself first. Even if it takes you 10 years to make change, once you're able to be self-aware, you can catch yourself even after you've started down the path.

 

Also, don't forget to mesh her behaviours into yours, so you can figure out what your triggers are. Armed with this information, it's possible you won't repeat the same partner selection, thus avoiding the pattern(s) of behaviour.

[Dmoney28]

very good post, i really enjoyed it. I think also a tragic event also triggers change. Hence, your breakup, and the loss of your loved one. If that tragic event never happened, would you have changed? I know from my personal experience, it took my breakup ...to wake me up. Walking around in the same boxers, crying all day and dropping 15 pounds....i stoped feeling sorry for myself. And it spark a desire to find out where the hell i went wrong in my personal life. Then i learned about my flaws, etc. I think once you are aware of your bad qualities...two things can happen, you can "accept" this as you...or try your hardest to change for the positive.

[Vince Black]

Justletgo07

Tremendous. Absolutely tremendous post.

This is what life is all about.

Looking at our own true self and realizing that we are not perfect.

We do wrong, we make ourselves better and move on.

You for your age seem very mature, reminds me of................me.

The best part of all of this is that for the future you will be a better and and more ready

to be an equal part of a healthy, loving relationship.

 

As for those who say people can't/don't change.

Pay that no mind.

Why?

Because people CAN change and they do. You, me, everybody.

It's the people who WON'T change that they are really talking about.

None of us should change the core of who we are. By core I mean the basics..the good stuff.

The parts where we fail are what need change, and in all of us is the ability to change that.

And changing it.....for the better....is the decision we all must make. For us and others who are in our lives, now and in the future.

 

Much respect,

Vince

[Eyeofthoth]

I am awed by the words of wisdom coming from someone so young!

 

Change is hard, hard work and takes constant vigilance, but it is only possible with awareness.

 

You are on a great path.

 

I am middle-aged and am just embracing what you are finding out already.

 

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