MadBambi Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 G'morning everyone! I feel good - for the 3rd day in 9 months! I don't know why it happened or what caused it or anything all i know is that on Tuesday me and him (the man who is jeaslous but won't commit, remember?) were talking and he started a ridiculous argument because i wanted to call him back to place my drive thru order. Before I had even completed my order he called back. He insisted that i must've been ordering for two people since i didn't want him to hear.... wow.... Anyway, anyway....i think he was initially upset because i was on my way to chill at my girl's house. Being the vengeful, jealous person that he is he suddenly decided to that he wanted to go out too. 2 min after we got off the phone he called be back to say that he's going to the bar tonight and don't worry about calling him or coming up there. I told him don't worry I'm not going to chase you. I said " I'm so over this i loved you when i woke up and ima love you when I go to bed. Enjoy your night and be safe" And that LSers is that last time I talked to him!!! It's so weird! Like before I had to force myself to do NC which was like torture and obviously didn't work. This time I honestly 100% don't want to call him, see him or anything. I have no idea what happened. I just woke up the next day feeling good - relieved i guess. My friend said "girl, this is what it feels like to relax, remember?" I been so worried about him all this time and trying to please him, you know? I'm still just amazed with how i feel. I can listen to love songs, watch sappy movies and everything without any sad, longing feelings. What happened y'all? I'm happy but straight up baffled because it's like i went to sleep and someone came in and flipped the switch to OFF. I'm so cool and awesome n' stuff. Just wanted to share -thanks for listening!!!
Author MadBambi Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 DUH! I guess i forgot but I'm the reason (along with my prayers for strength) that I was able to move beyond all these feelings! I have a notebook that I've been writing in, a journal, if you will. Anyhow, i was having a moment last nite where i just felt like i needed to talk to him, Mr. Man, so i sat down to write in my notebook but instead read over my last two entries which - i actually forgot about - clearly written out of pain and anger. But I think this letter and letting these feelings out is what helped me. Its really an awesome letter too - so i wanna share - which i think will be therapeutic in a way since i'm beginning to feel as though i miss him. I've reached the point in this relationship where i can't care anymore. Everytime i am my true self - i get walked over, taken advantage of, embarrassed and disrespected. I hate to become the heartless person that i used to be but i can see that's exactly where i'm going to end up. When things ended with B (an ex whom i dated way back) I hated him 100% because of how he treated me. The reality of it is that Mr. Man treats me the same. The only difference is that he doesn't hit me. So, i have to realize that for myself - but i have to realize that now. My love for Mr. Man isn't real. He isn't capable of handling my love. He is too broken, too preoccupied, too selfish to love me. He may even belong to someone eles. I can handle that cuz you know what? I been through 10 times worse sh**! I've been beaten, ive been chased, ive been degraded, ive had my independence and freedom taken from me, ive lived with a criminal and seen so many awful things happen in our house and this is what i can't handle?? HA! Tell that to the person you were during those years! She would laugh in your face. That girl wasn't too nice - she was strong. She stood up for herself! She said f**k the dumb s*** i can do bad all by myself - and she did! And even though she walked away from the man her heart loved for 6 years she came out a strong woman who could see through the games. Where did that woman go? Why did she turn soft?? If Mr. Man can't love me when im ready to love him then i can't accept that. I cant and won't settle for living my love by someone elses rules. I can only march to the beat of my own drum, my own heart. What ive been doing instead is marching to his drum and i can't catch the beat!! But that's cuz he keeps switching the rhythm. I'll never be ablt to fall into step! But that's the trick! Ah, i remember when i was a playgirl - i had all my bitches trained and made all the rules. B was tough but he knew where the line was. In the end i thank him for beatin' my ass cuz you know what? He taught me not to trust so quickly and that's the most valuable lesson i've learned. Even if you live and breathe a man for 6 yrs they can still shock the f**k out of you and do some s**t you wouldn't believe. So, why am i so trusting of Mr. Man after just these mere 9 months?? Mr. Man, i can't love you. Love is not a continous miserable state. There are sad miserable moments but happiness is the emotion that overshadows things not sadness. Again, im reminded not to trust so soon because apparently i went soft. But you know what? The old me is back. The old me make her own rules and the old me doesn't live for anyone else. The old me stands up for herself and i took the blows to the face to prove it. Whenever i even think of not following my own mind remember the last two black eyes i was willing to take. Stand up for yourself girl! F**k a man! He needs me more than i need him. His insecurities probably come from what he's lacking in penis size - and let's face it. It's not going to grow so he will always have at least one insecurity. No matter how good i am to him he will always think ive found a bigger man and believe me tha craziness will never cease! So anyway, girl, the point is....you're better than this!! You're not weak! You don't need to track him down or prove yourself to him! I know what i am and please! many men want me...for that matter...many women want me! So why am i wasting my time on a weak ass b**ch?? Muscles and too much pride don't make a man. Having heart and willingness to face your fears does! So, damn, maybe i'm a man....? Ha! Never lose someone you love over your pride. Mr. Man must not have learned that and probably never will. The End! Wow! See very therapeutic - i feel better already! And now it's time for my show to come!! Thetapeutic and time consuming! Once again cool n' awesome n' stuff!
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