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Obligation to "work it out?"


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Posted

I have read many posts on here about A, OW/OM situations. Majority of the time, once the cat is out of the bag, the BS and cheater try to "work it out." I've heard one too many times the cheater tells the OW/OM is obligated to BS, could never leave b/c of money, kids, etc...blah, blah, blah...

 

Why are so many reactive instead of proactive? I may sound naive here, but if the M is that bad to begin with they and the said cheater ALREADY KNOWS they would never leave BS, why not go to counseling before the E/P A begins. The lies and deception that go into an affair takes a whole lot more effort and are endless! I would think as a mature adult (and I realize not everyone is mature:rolleyes:) wouldn't it be easier to go to a councilor and say, I am scared for my M b/c I am unhappy and the idea of infidelity is becoming attractive to me? I mean, at that point, one is dealing with just feelings. No lies, no bullsh*t, no OW/OM to deal with and no ACTUAL betrayal.

 

I know I'm taking the practical/sensible approach, but if cheater put the energy into the M beforehand, wouldn't all parties be better off? The H and W can come to the conclusion together whether or not the M is truly over. In the end, this would save enormous amounts of emotional destruction and heartache...

 

Input anyone?:confused:

Posted

I know I'm taking the practical/sensible approach, but if cheater put the energy into the M beforehand, wouldn't all parties be better off? The H and W can come to the conclusion together whether or not the M is truly over. In the end, this would save enormous amounts of emotional destruction and heartache...

 

Yes, you are taking the practical / sensible approach.

 

I will be blunt. Marriage gets boring, having sex with the same person gets boring. Mundane considerations put a damper on things. Affairs are thrilling and energize people. Suddenly the world is spinning with new prospects, full of colour and fraught with all sorts of exciting possibilities. It is the novelty of the thing. It is human nature to want change in life.

Posted

Marriage gets boring, having sex with the same person gets boring. Mundane considerations put a damper on things. Affairs are thrilling and energize people. Suddenly the world is spinning with new prospects, full of colour and fraught with all sorts of exciting possibilities.

 

That's it!!! :love:

Posted

I will be blunt. Marriage gets boring, having sex with the same person gets boring. Mundane considerations put a damper on things. Affairs are thrilling and energize people. Suddenly the world is spinning with new prospects, full of colour and fraught with all sorts of exciting possibilities. It is the novelty of the thing. It is human nature to want change in life.

 

Then those type of people have no business getting married.

Posted
Then those type of people have no business getting married.

 

Well, they probably mean it when they get married but then they are taken over by infatuation.

 

Some may never feel that, some may, some may act on it, some won't.

Posted

Both of your posts are what I think about most days. When the cheater makes that decision that he knows is wrong and takes the next step of no return to me he is just plain weak. It must be a personality flaw because we all have the potential to cheat but some do and don't. Looking at my H weakness is what I see -it was right there under his nose and he didn't walk away bottom line. He had no intention of leaving me (told me he loved me every day, sex was great ,never fought money ok ,great kids). Now that is out in the open (OW sent me letter) he is happy because the slate is clean and he's sorry and hopefully learned his lesson. Next time he's out on his ass. The other woman who was married pursued him and he couldn't say no -WEAKNESS. I can honestly say that I have been pursued and I made a decision to honor my vows and my marriage and walked away. See I think it boils down to character. Because of his decision I know I willl never look at him and respect him the way I did before A no matter how long we are together.

Posted

Sometimes people cheat for no other reason than because they can, because they think BS will never find out so it wont hurt anybody, because they are selfish, because they are deceptive narcissist...

 

It doesnt always mean there is something wrong with the "marriage" as far as the BS spouse is involved. WS tell OW/OM that the marriage has problems, or the spouse is mean, nuts, not sexual, etc...just so they can look like an affair is not really their fault. OW/OM are often nice people and are led to believe they aren't wrecking a marriage because its already broken.

 

When caught, the WS wants to "work on the marriage" suddenly because the only thing ruining it was HIM/HER. Typically, the OW/OM gets thrown under the bus at this point or starts getting excuses like kids or money.

 

This isnt ALWAYS but in reading here it seems very very often.

Posted

Because of his decision I know I willl never look at him and respect him the way I did before A no matter how long we are together.

 

You may fall off that high horse some day.

Posted

High horse hmm -that's a wierd reply. I have always felt in my heart that doing the right thing in MY life has always been the only option for me. I am not religous but I do believe in karma so lying and cheating isn't part of my character. I don't think it is being on a high horse. I forgive him but respect is something that has to be earned.

Posted
You may fall off that high horse some day.

 

 

WHAT??? To take someone's feelings of betrayal and hurt and tell them they are on a high horse?

 

You have some nerve saying that to someone whose H betrayed them.

Posted
I have always felt in my heart that doing the right thing in MY life has always been the only option for me... lying and cheating isn't part of my character.

 

It seems like you are clinging to that to feel good about what happened.

 

See if that is truly making you happy or creating separation.

Posted
Well, they probably mean it when they get married but then they are taken over by infatuation.

 

Some may never feel that, some may, some may act on it, some won't.

 

Precisely, Ariadne. :love:

 

Dexter, stop trying to fit people into your own preconceived notion of what humanity "should" be. The world is much more complicated than that.

Posted

When the cheater makes that decision that he knows is wrong and takes the next step of no return to me he is just plain weak. It must be a personality flaw because we all have the potential to cheat but some do and don't.

Often it is not a decision. It is an overwhelming impulse, one that comes straight from the Id to use a Freudian term. Emotions can not be rationalized as easily as some people may think. Some are compelling and beyond our powers to control. The human psyche is much more complicated than Psychology 101.

Posted

I don't understand what you mean. I am sad and trying to get thru this. H chose to cheat - I chose to forgive- what else is there except time and healing.

Posted

You can make all the psychoanalytical mumbo jumbo rationalizations in the world to justify aberrant behavior but the simple answer is as old as the riddle of the sphynx, ie "Why does it have the head of a man held high attached to the body of a beast held low"?

Posted
"Why does it have the head of a man held high attached to the body of a beast held low"?

 

Because such is the nature of man, perhaps? eVER

Posted
"Why does it have the head of a man held high attached to the body of a beast held low"?

 

Because such is the nature of man, perhaps?

Posted

Beyondsad...I felt the same way as you regarding my husband who cheated. More than anything what I hated is that I felt my view of him was permanently changed. I felt he had no integrity. I thought we could reciver from the actual infidelity, I even had hope that I could one day trust him again...but I was heartbroken that to me, he was no longer the same man of integrity that I married.

 

Its been more than a year now. We are nearly recovered I think, and I do trust him...and most recently, I find myself believing in him again. Its an unexpected surprise.

Posted

Its been more than a year now. We are nearly recovered I think, and I do trust him...and most recently, I find myself believing in him again. Its an unexpected surprise.

 

 

Wonderful. I hope this was a one time thing and the last of your worries. It happens, even to the best of us.

Posted

"Why does it have the head of a man held high attached to the body of a beast held low"?

 

Edit: Because such is the nature of the beast (man)! Any student of literature could tell you that.

Posted
Precisely, Ariadne. :love:

 

Dexter, stop trying to fit people into your own preconceived notion of what humanity "should" be. The world is much more complicated than that.

 

LOL, sorry there Marlena, the types of people you described HAVE NO BUSINESS GETTING MARRIED.

 

If someone thinks marriage is boring and sex with the same person for any particular length of time is boring and wants to go out and have an affair because of that, then they have no business being married.

Posted
Often it is not a decision. It is an overwhelming impulse, one that comes straight from the Id to use a Freudian term. Emotions can not be rationalized as easily as some people may think. Some are compelling and beyond our powers to control. The human psyche is much more complicated than Psychology 101.

 

Its great to know there are alot of mindless idiots out there that can't control their own actions and, yes, decisions.:rolleyes:

Posted
If someone thinks marriage is boring and sex with the same person for any particular length of time is boring and wants to go out and have an affair because of that, then they have no business being married.

 

Just one question. How long have you been married?

Posted
Just one question. How long have you been married?

 

I'm not, but 8 years when I was.

Posted
Edit: Because such is the nature of the beast (man)! Any student of literature could tell you that.

 

Then your students of literature have been lead down the primrose path for the beast can show cunning and while, affection and compassion, grief and mourning, and hope and zeal for its own survival! Only man can choose to aspire his convictions to a higher power of spirituality and thus seperate himself from the beast within to which all carnality lies. Any student of the streets can tell you that!

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