How do I deal with this

[Goatsbreath]

Hmm..well, its been a while sense I've posted on this forum and honestly don't like coming back, haha. But here we go again. Here's the situation in a nutshell.

 

I've been seeing a girl for about 2 years. She is actually a girl I met around 12 years ago and dated briefly back in the day and parted ways because of college. When we got back together I thought this was the one for sure. I moved, took a less paying job and relocated back to where she was which was also closer to my family. Really, without going into a lot of detail I never thought we would end and maybe I took things for granted.

 

Not long after I moved down here she lost her job, shes a nurse and was diverting meds and taking them herself which I had no clue about. When I found out it made sense because of her mood changes, up and downs. I persuaded her to tell her family about her drug addiction and she entered a health professional recovery program. I let her move in with me to help her during this time as she had no job.

 

Today she has a job and is doing pretty good, I can tell she still suffers with depression issues but its a lot better and is on prescription meds. Around 6 months ago we were looking at houses to move in but we put it on hold because of money but now shes just telling me she wants to move out and get her own place. Most of her stuff is in storage as my place was not big enough so I sort of understood but its uglier then this.

 

Here is her current theme in her words: I want to move out and be my own person for a while. I want my stuff and I also want some time to be my own women. Moving in has made this feel like a marriage and things have sort of grown stale. I know we've talked about this before but nothing ever really changes. I just want to feel free like I can come and go as I please and I don't want to answer to anyone. If I want to do something I want to be able to it without a bunch of questions.

 

My Questions: You mean you want to see other people. Maybe she says followed by I just don't know.

 

Over the last few weeks thing have grown clearer. There is another man at work that she has invested some feelings into. She told me about him during a conversation when I asked her, "Is there someone else?" She said maybe, and mentioned this guy. She then said nothing has happened with him and I don't even know if I want it to but I told you because I wanted to be honest. We cried and stuff and I'm hurt pretty bad.

 

A few days ago we broke up, she says she don't really want to but I know what she wants and If I can't accept that we should for my sake. She says she wishes I could see her point and that we could still see each other but go out there and then come back and talk about it. She says we will be together if its meant to be. I don't want to see other people, I for sure don't want to talk about her being with some other guy.

 

I ask her, wouldn't you be jealous if Im out there F$%#ing a bunch of girls and she says, I'm not going to F a bunch of guys. So maybe its just this one guy I think. This conversation or one similar, who knows, there have been many turned into something ugly.

 

Around 2 nights ago I called her a evil bitch and a bunch of other stuff. She asked if I wanted her to leave and I said I don't give a #@*% what you do. She called someone as I stormed into the bedroom and I heard her say "can I come over and spend the night, me and Michael are fighting. Then she calls someone else for a minute and says shes going to dads. Second call was sister. First call I wasn't sure so when she was in a pissed off pack mode I checked her cell phone and it said work.

 

So, your going over there I ask her, some guys house? She says, I was going to but now Im going to my dads. I decided against it because it could get messy. Her dad is a hour away, I doubt it. I change my anger and tell her she don't have to leave but she packs anyway and says I can't stay here.

 

So, she leaves but after realizing she dont have her cell phone storms back in around 20 mintues later. Wheres my cell phone she yells. Shes mad and saying I was almost to 696 and now I had to turn back and come back. I ask her why she needs it to go to her dads and she yells, "its my cell phone." I say, "just tell me the truth, are you going to this guys house."

She says I'm not talking to you until you give me my phone. I give it to her and we talk for about a hour. Over the course of the conversation she says I was going to go to my dads but now its to late and Im not staying here. She says yup, Im going over there because I would rather be there then here. I pretty much beg her not to, don't do something like this until your atleast moved out. She says, nope, Im going because I cant be here.

 

She then says, I'm not doing anything wrong. I have not did anything with him, hes a friend at work and we do talk. He told me if I needed a place to crash I could sleep on his couch. We do not kiss, touch or anything, I make sure of this because I would feel to guilty. But I am going over there and I'll see you tomorrow and maybe I can talk to you. I say, your going to some other guys house in the middle of the night, a guy that you said you had some feelings about. She tells me that is sort of not the case anymore and hes trying to reconcile with his wife and has two kids and then gets mad and says I dont even know why Im telling you this. So, she leaves. Worst night ever.

 

So here we are. The last two nights she has come home from work and is warm to me. Wants to talk and we sleep in same bed. I try to hold my anger but its hard, I dont want to drive her off again though. She ask what I want again, If I can handle what she wants which is to seemingly be close, possibly intimate but no labels attached. I say I dont know. Last night in bed she turns to me and hugs me and says, your not going to turn all hateful toward me are you. You are important to me she goes on.

 

This morning as she was going to work she had PJ's packed in her backpack. She works a double today and I said why do you have PJ's in your pack. She says I always pack so I have everything just in case. I say just in case what. Just in case I end up spending the night somewhere else she says. I say you don't need to spend the night anywhere, you are welcome here. She says if I get off work and Im to tired to drive I could stay at bla blas house, the guy. He lives near work apparently where my place is about 35 minutes away. I can't believe she said it.

 

So, what should I do. I guess I know I don't have the stomach for this, what she wants. I think we need to break up but I don't know how to handle this time when shes still living here. Shes looking but will probably be here for another 3-4 weeks. I have a hard time dealing with it. I mount a case in my head all day but when she gets home Im defeated again and wonder why she cant see me like she used to.

 

I feel bitter, like I was good enough to get you through this crap, provide a place to stay, support your ass and now you get a job and the first guy that comes along you want to jump in his bed. Good luck with that.

 

Im mainly looking for how to handle the next three weeks of living. Obviously even if I wanted to start NO CONTACT, I cant. What do I do?

 

Thanks and sorry this is so long

[brokenboy]

tough situation. I think there's sadly no easy way to get through. No contact itself is hard, but if you *can't* have no contact...

 

I think try to remember, try to know that when she says "she wants to be her own woman" etc. regardless of whether there's another guy, it would be very hard for you two to work it out right now. Currently, me and my g/f are having issues, but I don't doubt for a second that she wants to be with me, nor any doubt I want to be with her. So, that makes it easier to muddle through this particularly tough time. You don't have that...

 

That simply won't make it easier, the first 2, 3, 4 weeks are killer. I would honestly try to minimize contact by a) trying to stay with friends and family (which helps in other ways too), b) ask that she try to do the same, and c) set a firm date by which she's out. You have to put an end date on that so YOU know there's an end to it!

 

That isn't being mean, or harsh to her. She's a grownup, you're being completely generous allowing her to stay 3-4 weeks. But I would absolutely say by Jan1 (or whatever) she's out. That way YOU know this won't go on indefinately. You have to give yourself space and time to recover and move on... you simply can't do that with her in your mix.

 

Wish I had better/other advice... good luck, bro'.

[Paralyzed]

This is a rough situation for you.

You did everything you could for this girl. Helping her through her addiction. Taking her into your home etc. You did all you could to improve her life. Be proud of yourself for loving her as best you could, and doing all you could for her.

The harsh reality now is her interest level in you is around 40%. If her interset level in you was where your's is, she wouldn't be going anywhere. She doesn't want freedom to live her own life on her own. She is interested in another man. Her interest level in him is much higher. She is leaving you for another guy. My advice is to let her go. The new guy probably won't treat her as well as you did. Her probably won't care for her the way you did. After a while she will see this and realize what a mistake she has made. She will feel depressed again and hope that you will be around to save her. Hopefully you will be moved on by then.

[Goatsbreath]

there is one more thing. I have not told anyone this because I feel ashamed and I don't think I could tell my family and friends I talk to.

 

The girl gave me something I will be with the rest of my life, the h word. I can't even say it. She was not deceitful and she has not had that many partners but she had some bad luck in her teens. I knew this before we even started going together again. I know it sounds weird but I accepted it because I really thought I would be with her forever. Im now 33 and shes 29, its not like we are kids. I didn't want our sex life to be hindered by having to have a condom all the time and I didn't want to offend her either. I didn't want her to think its gross because I didn't. I don't think shes gross for this at all.

 

I accepted that I would share everything with her and now it seems I will only share one thing and its the one thing that without her, becomes a tragedy.

 

I know its my fault, I know nothing can be said, I just feel a bitterness creeping through my veins. Then I stare a long time and feel numb.

[Dexter Morgan]

So, your going over there I ask her, some guys house? She says, I was going to but now Im going to my dads. I decided against it because it could get messy.

 

Ya, and all of her little, "I need to be my own woman and find out who I am" bulls##t is just that, bulls##t.

 

You can rest assured she is cheating and her "time apart" was nothing more than time to be with another man.

 

Cancel her.

 

 

So, she leaves but after realizing she dont have her cell phone storms back in around 20 mintues later. Wheres my cell phone she yells. Shes mad and saying I was almost to 696 and now I had to turn back and come back. I ask her why she needs it to go to her dads and she yells, "its my cell phone." I say, "just tell me the truth, are you going to this guys house."

She says I'm not talking to you until you give me my phone. I give it to her and we talk for about a hour. Over the course of the conversation she says I was going to go to my dads but now its to late and Im not staying here. She says yup, Im going over there because I would rather be there then here. I pretty much beg her not to

 

On god's green earth WHY would you beg her not to leave? She is screwing around on you with another guy. You know this to be true.

 

 

don't do something like this until your atleast moved out. She says, nope, Im going because I cant be here.

 

Nope, she is going because she wants to be with another man.

 

 

She then says, I'm not doing anything wrong. I have not did anything with him, hes a friend at work and we do talk.

 

Ya, right. and the truth comes out. There IS a "him". And you can bet your booties she isn't wanting time away because he is "just a friend".

 

 

He told me if I needed a place to crash I could sleep on his couch. We do not kiss, touch or anything, I make sure of this because I would feel to guilty.

 

She is digging her hole here. If they are "just friends", why would she need to restrain herself from doing things with him if they are "just friends"? She is a liar.

 

 

 

But I am going over there and I'll see you tomorrow and maybe I can talk to you. I say, your going to some other guys house in the middle of the night, a guy that you said you had some feelings about. She tells me that is sort of not the case anymore and hes trying to reconcile with his wife and has two kids and then gets mad and says I dont even know why Im telling you this. So, she leaves. Worst night ever.

 

I'd have had everything of hers packed and out on the front lawn when she came back with a sign attached saying, "go to him and leave me alone".

 

 

So here we are. The last two nights she has come home from work and is warm to me. Wants to talk and we sleep in same bed. I try to hold my anger but its hard, I dont want to drive her off again though. She ask what I want again, If I can handle what she wants which is to seemingly be close, possibly intimate but no labels attached.

 

No labels attached? What does that mean?

 

 

This morning as she was going to work she had PJ's packed in her backpack. She works a double today and I said why do you have PJ's in your pack. She says I always pack so I have everything just in case. I say just in case what. Just in case I end up spending the night somewhere else she says. I say you don't need to spend the night anywhere, you are welcome here. She says if I get off work and Im to tired to drive I could stay at bla blas house, the guy.

 

LOL, oh my, she must think you are really stupid.

 

its clear that she WANTS to stay with this guy. Why do you even want a girl like this? find yourself a decent girl, and one that wouldn't think of getting involved with a married man.

 

Maybe you need to find out who the wife of this guy is.

 

 

He lives near work apparently where my place is about 35 minutes away. I can't believe she said it.

 

So, what should I do.

 

Get rid of her. She isn't worth it.

 

 

I guess I know I don't have the stomach for this, what she wants. I think we need to break up but I don't know how to handle this time when shes still living here.

 

You tell her to get the #$%# out. Simple as that. Tell her you don't want a woman that wants another man, much less a homewrecker.

 

You need to stand up and grow a set. Don't let her walk all over you. The way you talk its as if she has you eating out of the palm of her hand.

 

MAN UP!!!!!

 

 

Shes looking but will probably be here for another 3-4 weeks. I have a hard time dealing with it. I mount a case in my head all day but when she gets home Im defeated again and wonder why she cant see me like she used to.

 

She doesn't need to look for weeks for another place to stay. Throw her belongings out and tell her to go stay with the other man.

 

 

 

I feel bitter, like I was good enough to get you through this crap, provide a place to stay, support your ass and now you get a job and the first guy that comes along you want to jump in his bed.

 

And thats the way you need to see her. Decent men who are doormats get walked all over like this all the time. Show her you are not a doormat. Show her you are her landlord and evict her ass.

 

 

Im mainly looking for how to handle the next three weeks of living.

 

You don't wonder about the next three weeks. You nip this in the bud NOW. Throw her stuff out, change the locks if you can. Tell her to go live with the other man. And don't, I mean DON'T let her weasel her way back in your life. If she cries and you feel sorry for her, just suck it up and keep her away.

 

 

Obviously even if I wanted to start NO CONTACT, I cant. What do I do?

 

Why not? What is it? She give a mean blowjob or something? Nothing, I mean NOTHING is worth keeping an untrustworthy partner for.

 

Is it that you think you can't get better? Dude, she isn't the only woman in the world, there are TONS of them out there...decent ones!!! You WILL find one. Let this tart be someone elses problem.

 

oh, and contact the wife of this other man.

[Dexter Morgan]

there is one more thing. I have not told anyone this because I feel ashamed and I don't think I could tell my family and friends I talk to.

 

 

If you feel ashamed and destroyed over this, that means she is NO GOOD FOR YOU!

 

My man, get rid of her for the love of god and the love of yourself!

[Goatsbreath]

You murder bad people right, haha I'm just kidding. I don't think she is bad, I mean maybe relative to my thinking but not in general. She's actually the kindest women thats ever ripped my heart out. Seriously, don't kill her.

 

Ok, so I know you are right. Its time to move on. Whats funny is I used this forum back in 2002 or something and after looking at my post I find it funny. Like, oh my god dude, what is your problem. Its so obvious now that she was not the one and I'm hoping to see that sooner with this case.

 

One thing I think, if I find myself posting here on a daily basis like I did back then with every what he/she said event I know I'm not really in the recovery process.

[Dexter Morgan]

You murder bad people right, haha I'm just kidding.

 

I relish the day when Dexter gets a cheater on a slab and wraps them in saran wrap.

 

 

I don't think she is bad, I mean maybe relative to my thinking but not in general. She's actually the kindest women thats ever ripped my heart out. Seriously, don't kill her.

 

I won't get into an argument whether you think she is a bad person or not.

 

But she IS bad for you and I guarntee, if you don't evict her from your life, you WILL regret it.

 

 

Ok, so I know you are right. Its time to move on. Whats funny is I used this forum back in 2002 or something and after looking at my post I find it funny. Like, oh my god dude, what is your problem. Its so obvious now that she was not the one and I'm hoping to see that sooner with this case.

 

Good for you. Find yourself a decent girl that doesn't play these games.

[Goatsbreath]

OK, its been a few days and things are still horrible. I feel miserable but I'm not going to go into all the details because I know I just need to start NC. The other night she didn't come home from work at all and it sent me into another sickness. When she came home in the morning there wasn't a lot to say. I told her I think she needs to take her stuff and go stay elsewhere, her sisters, even his house. Just not here. She told me she cant, that those are not options and that she will be out of here in around 3-4 weeks when her apartment becomes available. She did pay half the rent so I don't know what else i can do.

 

Then last night she started getting ready and when I asked wheres she going she said "R....." house, the guy like she can just throw that name around now. I knew she was. I didn't beg and go crazy like last time but I did say how inconsiderate she was being. I told her its hard enough for me to see you coming and going and have to sit here alone with all your stuff when I see you leave. I said its sad that you don't even care about my feelings anymore. If your going to be with someone else how about you wait until your out of my place. This fell on deaf ears, silence, and so I walked away.

 

I was sitting in the living room when she walked out of our room with the backpack. She sat for a moment and said, I understand how hard this is for you. Just let me go this one night, explain the situation to him, that I wont be seeing him until I move out. Let me do that and I won't go over his house again. I just shook my head ok, what else do I do. I feel defeated.

 

Anyway, a option for me did pop up. A girl I know offered me a room at her place. Shes just a friend and said I could stay with her until she moved out. Is this a good move? I'm not being a wuss for not only pleading with her to see the past we've shared but now I'm the one moving out so she can have her run to do whatever she wants. I think it might help, being in a new place, unfamiliar of memories.

 

My other problem is she don't have internet at her place and I have no cell phone. She only has her cell, I dont want to use that for all the calls I need to make to family and such at this time. I guess I could come back here during the hours shes at work.

 

What do you all think?