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I need a plan B

prettybaby

By prettybaby
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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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You guys, I'm so lost. He hasn't called yet and I'm going nuts. He's into me, there's no doubt about that. I want to give you the basic points so you get a more accurate picture of this situation, because I think a few people made inaccurate assumptions in my last thread.

 

- he's turning 40 in 5 months

- never married, no kids

- last relationship was apparently years ago, and it doesn't look like he's actually dated since. His overall dating experience seems pretty slim

- he's sensitive, shy, kind, patient and somewhat of an introvert

- I think he might have insecurity issues (maybe linked to some past relationship?)

- he comes from a somewhat traditional background (went to catholic school etc)

- he's looking to settle down and have children but seems pessimistic at this point

- we get along VERY well, we laugh, and every time we talk, we discover something new we have in common

- he finds me attractive

- we're both financially comfortable

I don't know what to do. We've had a crush on each other for nearly a decade now. I moved abroad for 5 years and now I just got back in touch with him, and I was so pleased to see that the common attraction is still there. And now he's not making a move.

 

I must add, every time I've contacted him in the past, he has always greeted my moves with the best reactions. Could he be too passive? I don't want to be too bold now and scare the guy away, but I don't want to waste any more years either.

 

If he doesn't contact me within the next few weeks, I'm most probably going to contact him. I'm just not sure how exactly I would approach this. I mean, this is not your typical serial dating bachelor with a rock solid self confidence. He's truly a diamond in the rough who seems to have trouble opening up :-S

sptu Member

sptu

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hi!!!what happened and you stopped contacting each other?

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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We never dated, just had an obvious crush. At the time, I also got very busy with work; had an opportunity abroad and decided to move forward with that.

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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Help anyone? :(

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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Yeah, I know, worst case I will end up calling lol I just have no idea what to say :( He seems so shy when it comes to feelings, this is really tricky.

 

Maybe texting is another option? I'm lost.

Posco_Proudfoot Established Member

Posco_Proudfoot

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I don't know the full story but I've always been of the opinion that it is always a good idea to just pick up the phone. Worst case it can't hurt.

 

Call him ! If he is shy and had some bad relationships, but yet he is someone you really like, I would say make that first move. I wouldn't even wait 3 weeks.

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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What should I say though? It's so tricky

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

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40, single, never married, no kids, hasn't dated in years...

 

You sure he's straight?

 

And if he is, why are you not viewing these flags as warning signs that this guy is not relationship-material? It seems like you'd be pushing a stone up hill with this one, or trying to make him into a guy that he's not.

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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lol he's not gay :laugh:

And he's an awesome guy, why wouldn't I at least try everything I can before I officially give up and move on? He really is a great person and I know he's not everybody's type, but I find him sooo attractive :o I don't know, we just really click, and it would feel like a waste to me if I didn't at least try a little more. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't.

Posco_Proudfoot Established Member

Posco_Proudfoot

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Call and ask him to lunch or something? You don't have to rush into it. Just call and get something started. Maybe suggest you're wanting to buy a gift for Christmas and need a man's opinion to go look at something.

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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Hmm, in any case, I suppose I should keep it nice and casual, right?

CommitmentPhobe Established Member

CommitmentPhobe

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Does he know that you're interested in something romantic?

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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You know, I'm starting to wonder :confused: I thought I was pretty damn obvious, but who knows?? Some guys aren't that good at reading women's clues, and if he's not too sure about himself on top of it, then yeah. In any case, he is interested in me, so that's already one good thing.

 

I mean, I never wanted to be all "in your face" and now I don't know if that might cause some hesitation on his part. I'm pretty sure he does have a clue, but perhaps he's not quite sure?

CommitmentPhobe Established Member

CommitmentPhobe

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Well given that he hasn't been in a relationship for a while he's probably a bit rusty.

 

Meeting up a few times and doing a few things is the way to go, if he doesn't warm up to the idea after than then you'll have your answer. Casual for sure.

allina Established Member

allina

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What makes you sure that there is no doubt about him being in to you?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer but imo when a man doesn't contact you it's usually because he doesn't really feel like it or care to.

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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He acts sooo adorable when I'm around. He stares right into my eyes, has this little smile practically non stop, he's very attentive to everything I say, he remembers lots of details that I never thought he would, he blushes (which he doesn't do around others), and when some of his collegues joined our conversation for a few minutes, it's like he only paid attention to what I was saying :D it was so cute. And he just generally acts very interested. His body language is also a dead giveaway.

 

When we parted last week, he gushed and blushed :love:

kashmir Established Member

kashmir

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When I saw the title of this thread, I thought you got knocked up. Glad that isn't the case. ;)

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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When I saw the title of this thread, I thought you got knocked up. Glad that isn't the case. ;)

Hahah :lmao: thanks

LoveJonesRomance Member

LoveJonesRomance

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lol he's not gay :laugh:

And he's an awesome guy, why wouldn't I at least try everything I can before I officially give up and move on? He really is a great person and I know he's not everybody's type, but I find him sooo attractive :o I don't know, we just really click, and it would feel like a waste to me if I didn't at least try a little more. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't.

Gee.

 

He sounds like a gem, but me wonders why he's still single, no kids, no ex wife, no current GF at 40yrs. And at 40, he really should be able to pursue you, if he wants to..

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prettybaby Established Member

prettybaby

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Gee.

 

He sounds like a gem, but me wonders why he's still single, no kids, no ex wife, no current GF at 40yrs. And at 40, he really should be able to pursue you, if he wants to..

Gahhh he truly is a gem :o Well except for the whole shy/insecurity part :confused: I think some b**ch really messed him up.

 

If he can't grab himself together, I'm gonna have to do something, but I don't wanna be too bold and knock him off his comfort zone or whatever that might turn him off. I really don't know how to handle this right. I have no problem calling or texting, except I don't know what to say or write now :(

Posco_Proudfoot Established Member

Posco_Proudfoot

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Gahhh he truly is a gem :o Well except for the whole shy/insecurity part :confused: I think some b**ch really messed him up.

 

If he can't grab himself together, I'm gonna have to do something, but I don't wanna be too bold and knock him off his comfort zone or whatever that might turn him off. I really don't know how to handle this right. I have no problem calling or texting, except I don't know what to say or write now :(

Isn't it just as easy as just calling him and talking for awhile?

sunshinegirl Established Member

sunshinegirl

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Gahhh he truly is a gem :o Well except for the whole shy/insecurity part :confused: I think some b**ch really messed him up.

 

If he can't grab himself together, I'm gonna have to do something, but I don't wanna be too bold and knock him off his comfort zone or whatever that might turn him off. I really don't know how to handle this right. I have no problem calling or texting, except I don't know what to say or write now :(

 

I also don't mean to be a downer, but please don't slip into the mentality that all this guy needs is a good woman to love him. That could put you in rescue mode... be careful of that.

 

And don't romanticize any red flags. Seriously. They will come back and bite you on the ass, hard. So far sounds like there are some yellow flags, heading for red...

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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I also don't mean to be a downer, but please don't slip into the mentality that all this guy needs is a good woman to love him. That could put you in rescue mode... be careful of that.

 

And don't romanticize any red flags. Seriously. They will come back and bite you on the ass, hard. So far sounds like there are some yellow flags, heading for red...

In a nutshell prettybaby...

 

It's easy to blame some woman for messing him up because you don't want to taint your image of him. On the otherhand, most of us on LS have experienced relationship loss of some kind. Some make it out, others don't. You have to ask yourself why he didn't for so long, if he got messed up which you don't even know for fact, and why he's not contacting you now.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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40, single, never married, no kids, hasn't dated in years...

 

Why are you not viewing these flags as warning signs that this guy is not relationship-material? It seems like you'd be pushing a stone up hill with this one, or trying to make him into a guy that he's not.

 

HUGE red flags to me.

 

What makes you sure that there is no doubt about him being in to you?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer but imo when a man doesn't contact you it's usually because he doesn't really feel like it or care to.

 

Totally agree.

 

He acts sooo adorable when I'm around. He stares right into my eyes, has this little smile practically non stop, he's very attentive to everything I say, he remembers lots of details that I never thought he would, he blushes (which he doesn't do around others), and when some of his collegues joined our conversation for a few minutes, it's like he only paid attention to what I was saying :D it was so cute. And he just generally acts very interested. His body language is also a dead giveaway.

 

When we parted last week, he gushed and blushed :love:

 

You do realize that men gush and blush and woo and court and actually insert their penises into women, all the while they DO have doubts that they are into the woman.

 

I think you're holding on to hope here. Your hope is what's fueling your "certainty." But all you know for certain is that he's not calling, yet those who are into someone also know for certain that they will find a way to contact the person they're into.

 

Again, if you were sooooooooo certain, you wouldn't be wigging out like this.

 

That said, just from what you describe this guy does not sound like relationship material.

Gremio Established Member

Gremio

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I mean, I never wanted to be all "in your face" and now I don't know if that might cause some hesitation on his part. I'm pretty sure he does have a clue, but perhaps he's not quite sure?

 

I know it's eating you up inside, and you've read my thread about my situation. I haven't followed up with it, but I will tell you what I have done at this point.

 

After we talked last week, we made some plans for get together, but they fell through. Everything really has gone downhill. She wanted to see me Tuesday so I stopped by her work to see her. We made "open plans" again, and since that night, I haven't heard a word from her. That night I wanted to tell her (when she told me she would call) how I felt in case she wasn't aware (as you are feeling). Guess what happened? She never called.

 

The next day, I wrote her a message online letting her be aware of how I felt. Her last update on a profile of hers was "starting my new life". She read the message two days ago and has not replied or contacted me. This went from 60-0 and I have absolutely no idea why. She texted me everyday, called me after work almost every night, we had some wonderful nights together, then BAM she doesn't exist, responds really with one word answers, falls through on any plans, etc.

 

Been feeling really ****ty the past few days, but I felt I had to send her that message. It was eating me up, and by that point I felt I had nothing to lose.

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