Sari Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I really thought I was feeling better yesterday. It's only been a week since my 3 year relationship ended, but yesterday I was able to eat almost normally, and didn't wake up in the night crying or shaking. I even laughed properly for the first time since it happened. Today I feel so sad, like nothing will take the pain away. I am desperate to contact my ex and make him see that he is wrong to finish things, I know that he thinks in absolutes and will have convinced himself that this is all for the best, even though he sent me an email saying how much he was hurting. He has no ability to think long-term or see anything past this exact moment in time. I am so angry with him for doing this, it is so unfair on both of us. I think I was kidding myself up until now that we would get back together, our relationship was so good and ended so weirdly and wrongly, no cheating, both still love each other, still lots of good times, that this just didn't seem real to me. Now I think it is sinking in. I think I preferred denial. I moved all my stuff out of our house two days ago, which is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have had some hard times in my life believe me. I cuddled his dressing gown for ages, just breathing in the scent of him. He had put all the pictures of us in a drawer, which broke my heart but also made me feel better that he was hurting too much to look at them. Good. Let him hurt. I left him a note, telling him that I loved him and I know that we are right for each other, but I know that the situation has become too bad for us to stay together, and we took each other for granted too much, and so this is all for the best, and I am ok and staying with friends. With the exception of loving him and staying with friends, I didn't mean a word of it. I wanted to stay there cuddled up with his stupid dressing gown until he came home from work, then throw myself at his feet and beg him to want me again. But I didn't, and I won't. I didn't reply to his email, and I will not contact him for the foreseeable future.
Surfer Dude Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. We've all been there. It's a great pain when you have to break up with someone you trusted with your life, with someone you wanted to spend your life with. When me and my ex broke up (I was dumped) she wasn't remorseful at all, because she left me for another man (men in fact). In fact she wanted to stay friends. What can I say... staying friends is a really bad idea, especially if you're the one who got dumped. Disappear from his life and let him realize what he just lost. I sometimes regret not doing the same after my ex dumped me. I should've just disappeared. Instead I begged, pleaded, called names, begged even more, promising I'd change, totally destroyed my self respect etc... for what? They are the ones who broke up, they are the problem, not us.
Author Sari Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Surfer Dude, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I am familiar with your situation, having been lurking on these boards all week. Your ex sounds like a f****** b*tch. I know it is no consolation while you are hurting so much but just try and tell yourself how lucky you were to have gnawed your leg out of that bear-trap. I don't know a single girl who would EVER treat her bf that way, so please don't give up hope, not all girls are like that and most of them are very different from that. I will continue with NC, and am trying to get on with my life as much as possible, seeing friends, going out for a big night out tomorrow where I plan to get fairly hammered and hopefully kiss a guy or two (immature I know aged 26 but who cares?!). I plan to give my bf a friendly call in a month. If by then he still hasn't come to his senses then I will never contact him again. I know others on here will slate me for this and tell me to go NC all the way but I will never forgive myself if I don't fight for him just one more time. And that is truly what it will be, I have gone through this breakup NC stuff before and I know I can do it. PS If I had a bf who was a Surfer Dude I would never leave him! That's cool!
Surfer Dude Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 You have to make it clear whether you want to get back together with him or not. Is he willing to give it another try with you? Do you want to give it a chance? If only one of the answers to this is negative, then NC is the only way to remain mentally sane on the long run. It's insanely difficult to remain friends with your ex. Actually it might work fine for a while, when you're both still single, you can get some emotional support and everything. But guess what, as soon as one of you moves on and starts a new relationship with someone, the other one will be in for a freaking hell. Words can't begin to explain how much it hurts to see your ex love with another person. What you don't know can't hurt you. NC ensures you break the emotional bond and prevent any further suffering. As for my situation, I know this breakup was for the best, even though it didn't seem that way. It's amazing how love can blind us to the point where we don't even realize the relationship is unhealthy and that we're being emotionally abused, even though everyone else can see it. Stay strong and don't let your ego get in the way and make you say things you'll regret, it's amazing how much people can accomplish just by sitting down and talking about problems
Author Sari Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Well we have 'tried again' before and it seemed to be going well for a bit, but then he got cold feet again and ran. I think we tried too soon, both so desperate to make it work. That's why I'm going to leave it a month before I even contact him, then it will just be a one-off, just a casual call, to put the ball in his court. If it's a no-go, then at least I will be a month down the line and getting on with my life again. Everything he has told me and written to me smacks of confusion and panic, disordered thoughts, not knowing what he wants, missing me, saying there are so many reasons why breaking up is wrong etc. I know that if those feelings were strong enough he wouldn't have been acting like such a d*ck lately and we would still be together, but I'm hoping that a few weeks of NC will sort his head out one way or the other. I am not hoping for a miracle but I know that he thinks I am the most special girl in the world and that's why he dragged his feet over our break-up, which gives me a good jumping off point for further communication and possible reconciliation. I repeat, I am not expecting miracles though so we will have to see.
Author Sari Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Oh man, I just feel like I'm kidding myself now. God why is this so painful and hard?
Geishawhelk Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Because you have a big heart, and loving nature. If you were a callous Bi*t*ch, none of this would be affecting you. Those with a big heart feel the pain more. Hang in there, do what you know is right.....
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